Some educationalists argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some educationalists argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people working in education claim that students should have to take art-based subjects like music, drama, art, and craft in secondary school, even if they don't have to take exams for them because this can enhance their academic performance. I strongly agree with this suggestion given the fact that it holds the potential to bring numerous benefits to students.

To begin with, taking art-based subjects at school promotes greater both self-awareness and self-confidence in students, which makes a significant contribution to their academic performance. To be more specific, the arts help young learners recognize their strengths or weaknesses so that they will achieve their potential in studying more easily. For instance, a student might never know about his acting ability until he took a role in a play assigned by his drama teacher. As a result, he would be more tempted to undertake study tasks related to presenting.

Regarding their interpersonal skills, being involved in creative lessons or activities makes students boost their teamwork and communication skills. Taking music as an example, when teenagers have an opportunity to perform a trio repertoire, they have to learn how to work in groups effectively. Also, if there is(are) any problem (problems) happening while they are carrying out their task, they should use written and oral language to present their ideas and intentions and pay close attention to their partners’ opinions at the same time. Those indeed do wonders for their performances in other academic subjects.

In conclusion, non-tested(?) art subjects should be included in secondary-school curriculum due to the fact they indeed play a crucial role in helping students develop their personal and social skills as well as improve their academic results.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some people working in education claim that students should have to take" -> "Some educators argue that students should be required to take"
   Explanation: Replacing "Some people working in education claim" with "Some educators argue" refines the phrase to a more specific and formal academic tone. "Should have to take" is awkward and incorrect; "should be required to take" is grammatically correct and more formal.

2. "even if they don’t have to take exams for them" -> "even if they are not required to take exams for these subjects"
   Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The revised version clarifies that the subjects are not required to be examined, improving the sentence structure and precision.

3. "I strongly agree with this suggestion" -> "I strongly support this proposition"
   Explanation: "Proposition" is a more formal term than "suggestion," aligning better with academic writing standards.

4. "given the fact that" -> "given that"
   Explanation: "Given the fact that" is redundant; "given that" is sufficient and more concise, enhancing the formal tone.

5. "greater both self-awareness and self-confidence" -> "enhanced self-awareness and self-confidence"
   Explanation: "Enhanced" is more precise and academically appropriate than "greater," which is somewhat vague and informal in this context.

6. "makes a significant contribution to their academic performance" -> "significantly contributes to their academic performance"
   Explanation: "Significantly contributes" is a more formal and precise way to express the impact, aligning better with academic style.

7. "he would be more tempted to undertake study tasks related to presenting" -> "he would be more inclined to engage in tasks related to presentation"
   Explanation: "More inclined to engage in tasks related to presentation" is more formal and precise than "more tempted to undertake study tasks related to presenting," which is awkward and informal.

8. "boost their teamwork and communication skills" -> "enhance their teamwork and communication skills"
   Explanation: "Enhance" is a more formal synonym for "boost," fitting better in academic writing.

9. "if there is(are) any problem (problems)" -> "if any problems arise"
   Explanation: "If any problems arise" is grammatically correct and more formal than the original, which is awkward and incorrect.

10. "non-tested(?) art subjects" -> "non-examinable art subjects"
    Explanation: The term "non-tested" is unclear and informal; "non-examinable" is the correct term for subjects that do not involve exams, and it is more formal.

11. "due to the fact they indeed play a crucial role" -> "because they indeed play a crucial role"
    Explanation: "Due to the fact" is redundant; "because" is sufficient and more direct, improving the flow and formality of the sentence.

These changes refine the essay to better align with academic standards, enhancing clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of including non-exam art-based subjects in the secondary school curriculum. The introduction outlines the argument and the conclusion reiterates the importance of these subjects. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, which would provide a more balanced discussion.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider briefly discussing the potential counterarguments against making art subjects compulsory. This could involve mentioning concerns about curriculum overload or the prioritization of core subjects over arts education. Addressing these points would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently advocating for the inclusion of art subjects. Phrases like "I strongly agree" and the use of supportive examples reinforce this stance. However, the position could be made even clearer by explicitly stating how the benefits of art subjects directly correlate with improved academic performance.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could include a sentence or two in each body paragraph that ties the benefits of art subjects back to academic performance more explicitly. For example, after discussing self-awareness, the writer could state how this self-awareness leads to better focus and engagement in academic subjects.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the argument, such as the development of self-awareness and interpersonal skills through art subjects. These ideas are extended with relevant examples, such as the acting ability discovered through drama. However, the essay could benefit from a more structured approach to presenting and supporting ideas, as some points feel slightly underdeveloped.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing teamwork in music, the writer could elaborate on how these skills translate to group projects in academic subjects, thereby creating a stronger link between art education and overall academic performance.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic, discussing the benefits of art subjects in relation to academic performance. However, there are moments where the phrasing could be more precise, such as the use of "non-tested" in the conclusion, which may confuse readers about the nature of the subjects being discussed.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the writer should ensure that all terminology used is clear and relevant to the topic. Avoiding ambiguous phrases and ensuring that each point directly relates back to the prompt will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, a clearer definition of what is meant by "non-tested" art subjects could enhance understanding.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of the task response criteria, addressing the counterarguments, enhancing the clarity of the position, providing more detailed examples, and refining language choices will further elevate the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of including non-exam, art-based subjects in the secondary school curriculum. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized around specific benefits of these subjects. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses self-awareness and self-confidence, while the second focuses on interpersonal skills. This logical progression aids the reader’s understanding of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. Additionally, a more explicit connection between the benefits discussed and their impact on academic performance could strengthen the argument. For example, after discussing self-awareness, a sentence linking this trait directly to improved academic outcomes would clarify the relationship.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is essential for coherence. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, which helps maintain clarity. However, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother to reinforce the connection between the ideas presented.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider adding transitional phrases at the beginning or end of paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, a phrase like "In addition to personal development, art-based subjects also enhance social skills" could serve as a bridge between the two body paragraphs, making the relationship between the ideas more explicit.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "For instance," and "Regarding." These phrases help to guide the reader through the argument and clarify the relationships between ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance the overall flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "for instance," you could use alternatives like "for example," "to illustrate," or "as an illustration." Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "Consequently," can help to create a more sophisticated and varied writing style.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and sophistication of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in the context of discussing the benefits of art-based subjects. Phrases like "self-awareness," "self-confidence," and "interpersonal skills" are appropriately used. However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, especially with terms related to education and arts. For instance, the word "students" appears frequently without much variation (e.g., "young learners," "teenagers").
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students," you could incorporate terms like "pupils," "learners," or "scholars." Additionally, introducing more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text. For instance, instead of saying "significant contribution," you might say "substantial contribution" or "notable impact."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "enhance their academic performance" is appropriate, but the use of "non-tested(?) art subjects" introduces ambiguity. The question mark suggests uncertainty, which detracts from clarity. Additionally, phrases like "do wonders for their performances" could be seen as informal or vague.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, avoid using uncertain language. Instead of "non-tested(?) art subjects," simply state "non-examined art subjects." Furthermore, consider replacing vague phrases with more specific language. For example, instead of "do wonders," you could say "significantly improve" or "greatly enhance."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with no glaring errors. However, there are minor issues, such as "there is(are) any problem (problems)," which indicates confusion in subject-verb agreement and could lead to spelling or grammatical errors in more complex sentences.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling and grammatical accuracy, practice proofreading your work for such issues. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases or errors. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling rules and exceptions in English, and consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch mistakes before submission.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, improvements in lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy could elevate the score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of the complex sentence "To be more specific, the arts help young learners recognize their strengths or weaknesses so that they will achieve their potential in studying more easily" effectively conveys a nuanced idea. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "which makes a significant contribution to their academic performance" could be rephrased to enhance variety.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, using participial phrases or conditional clauses could enhance the complexity of your sentences. Additionally, varying the length of sentences can create a more engaging rhythm in your writing. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Taking," try beginning some with adverbial clauses or different subjects.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, the phrase "being involved in creative lessons or activities makes students boost their teamwork and communication skills" could be more clearly expressed as "being involved in creative lessons or activities boosts students’ teamwork and communication skills." Additionally, the use of parentheses in "if there is(are) any problem (problems)" is awkward and disrupts the flow of the sentence. There are also minor punctuation issues, such as the missing comma before "which makes a significant contribution" in the first body paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the proper use of articles. For example, ensure that singular and plural forms are used correctly, as in "if there are any problems" instead of "if there is any problem." Additionally, practice using commas correctly, especially in complex sentences. Reading your work aloud can help identify areas where punctuation may be needed for clarity. Lastly, consider revising sentences that feel awkward or convoluted to improve overall coherence and flow.

By addressing these areas for improvement, you can enhance the grammatical range and accuracy of your writing, potentially raising your band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people working in education claim that students should have to take art-based subjects like music, drama, art, and craft in secondary school, even if they are not required to take exams for them, because this can enhance their academic performance. I strongly agree with this suggestion, given that it holds the potential to bring numerous benefits to students.

To begin with, taking art-based subjects at school promotes greater self-awareness and self-confidence in students, which significantly contributes to their academic performance. To be more specific, the arts help young learners recognize their strengths and weaknesses so that they can achieve their potential in studying more easily. For instance, a student might never know about his acting ability until he takes a role in a play assigned by his drama teacher. As a result, he would be more inclined to engage in study tasks related to presentation.

Regarding their interpersonal skills, being involved in creative lessons or activities helps students enhance their teamwork and communication skills. Taking music as an example, when teenagers have an opportunity to perform a trio repertoire, they have to learn how to work in groups effectively. Also, if any problems arise while they are carrying out their task, they should use written and oral language to present their ideas and intentions and pay close attention to their partners’ opinions at the same time. These experiences indeed do wonders for their performances in other academic subjects.

In conclusion, non-examinable art subjects should be included in the secondary school curriculum because they indeed play a crucial role in helping students develop their personal and social skills as well as improve their academic results.