Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary schools rather than secondary schools. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In education , an increasing number of people support the appearance of foreign languages at primary schools due to their popularity . Despite the fact that many educators support these concepts, some individuals think that their children will be burdened as the children have to study second languages at a young age. This essay agrees that alternative languages have an influence on people and will discuss both points of views .

On one hand , different languages have some significant effects . The most popular benefit is that the children can improve listening skill and memory ,providing them with more choices of career in the future. For instance , many people have easier conditions when choosing a profession which has many benefits for their future ,thanks to the convenience of second languages. Moreover, children can improve their creative mind and confidence boost which keeps their mind sharper for longer .

On the other hand, alternative languages may have some negative drawbacks .The main one is that the children can not balance between studying their mother tongue and foreign languages . Most of the children can not deal with the pressure from studying other languages then they can have anxiety or doubt about their abilities ,which can make them fear the notion of speaking with foreign tourists.

In conclusion , the advantage of studying foreign languages has several positive effects for people, leading to the increasing number of people studying more languages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In education, an increasing number of people support the appearance of foreign languages at primary schools due to their popularity." -> "In education, an increasing number of individuals support the inclusion of foreign languages in primary schools due to their growing popularity."
Explanation: Replacing "appearance of foreign languages" with "inclusion of foreign languages" clarifies the intended meaning, which is the integration of foreign languages into the curriculum. "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "growing popularity" is more precise than "their popularity."
"some individuals think that their children will be burdened" -> "some argue that their children will be burdened"
Explanation: "Argue" is more formal and academically appropriate than "think," which is too casual for academic writing.
"alternative languages" -> "additional languages"
Explanation: "Alternative languages" is not a standard term; "additional languages" is more precise and commonly used in educational contexts.
"have some significant effects" -> "exert significant effects"
Explanation: "Exert" is more precise and formal than "have," which is vague and less specific in this context.
"improve listening skill and memory" -> "enhance listening skills and memory"
Explanation: "Enhance" is more formal than "improve," and "skills" should be plural to match the generalization.
"more choices of career" -> "greater career options"
Explanation: "Greater career options" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea.
"have easier conditions when choosing a profession" -> "enjoy easier access to career choices"
Explanation: "Enjoy easier access to career choices" is more specific and formal, improving the clarity and formality of the statement.
"thanks to the convenience of second languages" -> "owing to the convenience of second languages"
Explanation: "Owing to" is a more formal preposition than "thanks to," which is colloquial.
"children can not balance" -> "children may not balance"
Explanation: "May not" is more appropriate than "can not" in formal writing, as it indicates possibility rather than certainty.
"Most of the children can not deal with the pressure" -> "Many children struggle to cope with the pressure"
Explanation: "Struggle to cope with" is a more precise and formal way to describe the difficulties faced by children.
"then they can have anxiety or doubt about their abilities" -> "which may lead to anxiety or self-doubt"
Explanation: "Which may lead to" is more formal and precise than "then they can have," and "self-doubt" is a more formal term than "doubt about their abilities."
"fear the notion of speaking with foreign tourists" -> "fear communicating with foreign tourists"
Explanation: "Communicating" is a more specific and formal term than "speaking," which is too general and informal for this context.
"the advantage of studying foreign languages has several positive effects for people" -> "the benefits of studying foreign languages have numerous advantages for individuals"
Explanation: "Benefits" and "advantages" are more specific and formal than "positive effects," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in academic writing for its formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of learning foreign languages at a young age. However, it does not fully explore the implications of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which is a crucial part of the question. The conclusion reiterates the benefits but fails to explicitly state whether these benefits surpass the drawbacks, leaving the reader unclear about the author’s position.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly compare the advantages and disadvantages in the conclusion. A clear statement indicating whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, supported by the arguments presented in the body, would strengthen the essay’s overall response to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a position in the introduction, indicating agreement with the benefits of learning foreign languages. However, this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The discussion of disadvantages is presented without a clear counterbalance or acknowledgment of how the advantages may mitigate these drawbacks.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to their stance throughout the essay. This can be achieved by linking each point made back to the central argument, perhaps by using phrases like "Despite these drawbacks, the advantages such as…" to create a cohesive narrative that supports the initial position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of learning foreign languages. However, the ideas are not well-developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the claim that learning a foreign language improves career choices is mentioned but not elaborated upon with specific examples or data. Similarly, the discussion of anxiety lacks depth and fails to connect back to the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could include statistics, studies, or real-life examples that illustrate the benefits and drawbacks more vividly. Additionally, extending each point with further analysis or implications would enhance the depth of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of learning foreign languages in primary education. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes vague or slightly off-topic, particularly in the conclusion, which does not directly address the prompt’s requirement to weigh the advantages against the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. A clear structure that aligns each point back to this comparison will help keep the essay on topic and relevant to the prompt.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should focus on explicitly addressing all parts of the question, maintaining a clear and consistent position, developing and supporting ideas with specific examples, and ensuring that the discussion remains tightly focused on the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from the introduction to the first body paragraph could be smoother. The introduction mentions "the appearance of foreign languages at primary schools," but the first body paragraph jumps directly into benefits without clearly linking back to the prompt about whether advantages outweigh disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after stating the advantages, you could introduce the disadvantages with a phrase like "However, it is also important to consider the potential drawbacks." This would create a clearer contrast and guide the reader through your argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. The first body paragraph lists benefits but lacks depth in analysis, and the second body paragraph on disadvantages is quite brief and could benefit from more examples or explanations.
- How to improve: Aim to develop each paragraph further by including more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, in the paragraph discussing the benefits, you could elaborate on how learning a second language at a young age can enhance cognitive skills or provide specific examples of career opportunities that require foreign language skills. Similarly, the disadvantages could include examples of studies or statistics that illustrate the pressure on children.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the transition between sentences in the disadvantages paragraph could be more fluid.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Furthermore" or "In addition" to add information, and "Conversely" or "Nevertheless" to introduce contrasting points. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows the previous one, which can be achieved by using phrases that refer back to the main idea or introduce new information in a way that feels connected.

By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, with terms such as "burdened," "significant effects," and "creative mind." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety in expression. For example, the phrase "foreign languages" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the lexical diversity of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "foreign languages," alternatives like "second languages," "additional languages," or "non-native languages" could be utilized. Additionally, using more sophisticated vocabulary related to education and language acquisition could elevate the essay’s overall quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "alternative languages" is somewhat vague and could be interpreted in different ways. Furthermore, the term "creative mind" is not a standard expression and could be replaced with "creativity" or "creative thinking" for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using more commonly accepted phrases and terminology. For example, instead of saying "alternative languages," the writer could specify "foreign languages" or "second languages." Additionally, ensuring that terms are used in their correct context will help avoid ambiguity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors and typographical issues, such as "skill and memory ,providing" (missing space after the comma) and "can not" (should be "cannot"). These errors can disrupt the flow of reading and may lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally multiple times. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary can enhance overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary use, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For example, the use of "Despite the fact that many educators support these concepts, some individuals think that their children will be burdened…" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys contrasting viewpoints. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward sentence constructions and lacks more sophisticated structures that could enhance clarity and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses, conditional phrases, and varied introductory elements. For instance, instead of saying, "The main one is that the children can not balance between studying their mother tongue and foreign languages," the writer could say, "One significant concern is that children may struggle to balance their studies of both their mother tongue and foreign languages, which could lead to confusion and frustration." This not only adds complexity but also improves the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, phrases like "the children can not balance" should be corrected to "the children cannot balance," as "cannot" is the standard form. Additionally, there are instances of missing commas, such as before "providing them with more choices of career in the future," which can lead to confusion in reading. The sentence "Moreover, children can improve their creative mind and confidence boost which keeps their mind sharper for longer" lacks a comma before "which," making it a non-defining relative clause that should be separated for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review the rules of punctuation, particularly concerning the use of commas in complex sentences. Practicing sentence combining exercises could also help in understanding how to structure sentences more effectively. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of contractions, will significantly improve the overall quality. Engaging with grammar resources or seeking feedback from peers could also provide valuable insights into recurring mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In education, an increasing number of people support the inclusion of foreign languages in primary schools due to their growing popularity. Despite the fact that many educators endorse this concept, some individuals think that their children will be burdened, as they have to study additional languages at a young age. This essay agrees that foreign languages exert significant effects on individuals and will discuss both points of view.

On one hand, different languages have some significant benefits. The most notable advantage is that children can enhance their listening skills and memory, providing them with greater career options in the future. For instance, many people enjoy easier access to career choices, which has many benefits for their future, owing to the convenience of second languages. Moreover, children can improve their creative thinking and boost their confidence, which keeps their minds sharper for longer.

On the other hand, foreign languages may have some negative drawbacks. The main issue is that children may not balance studying their mother tongue and foreign languages. Many children struggle to cope with the pressure from studying additional languages, which may lead to anxiety or self-doubt about their abilities, causing them to fear communicating with foreign tourists.

In conclusion, the benefits of studying foreign languages have numerous advantages for individuals, leading to an increasing number of people learning more languages.