Some individuals are of the opinion that succeeding in school would not be potential if juveniles still take part in playing sports and doing leisure-time activities. Personally, i partly agree with this suggestion based on some major reasons that are explained in this essay. On the one hand, there are some persuasive rationales that support the claim that pastimes drive teenagers to fruitlessness of their study in school. As sports invariably require that every player has certainly professional skills if they want to compete or play well.This demand could lead to some youngsters who are competitive and have passion about athletic pastime are not able to have equilibrium of academic work and entertainment due to sacrificing too much time for indulging in and developing better their recreational strengths. As consequently, students would not both accomplish their assignments and affect badly in their achievements as well as their degree. But in the worst situation, pupils could be either repeated a class in general education or sit an exam again in univervities. Furthermore, when professional in this recreational sports, students are predisposed to taking precedence over pursuing highly- skilled sport careers rather than better improve their academic performance at school. Therefore, they are at all likely to ignore their studies and end up falling behind other classmates. On the other hand, should the adolescents recognize what is the border between academic work and relaxation, this will be an advantageous aspect of that amusement. Firstly, doing physical activities would recharge students’ batteries after long hours of studying. Also, this divertissements could help undergraduates to relieve their stress and get ready for their upcoming lessons. Being in good mood for pupils helps them to learn more efficiently. In the second place, some scholarships from many of foreign universities always necessitate their extracurricular activities during their highschool as one of the best standards to assess their dynamy and vivacity in real life. A prime illustration of this point is the scholar standard of studying abroad in the Oxford University, the criteria of extracurricular activities are rated in the second place just after the demand of academic attainments. In conclusion, there are mixed opinion on determining whether playing sports and other hobbies would exert an adverse impact on all the adolescents’ studies, i think younger individuals should balance between their academic work and amusement to make the best progress in their way of developing themselves.

Some individuals are of the opinion that succeeding in school would not be potential if juveniles still take part in playing sports and doing leisure-time activities. Personally, i partly agree with this suggestion based on some major reasons that are explained in this essay.
On the one hand, there are some persuasive rationales that support the claim that pastimes drive teenagers to fruitlessness of their study in school. As sports invariably require that every player has certainly professional skills if they want to compete or play well.This demand could lead to some youngsters who are competitive and have passion about athletic pastime are not able to have equilibrium of academic work and entertainment due to sacrificing too much time for indulging in and developing better their recreational strengths. As consequently, students would not both accomplish their assignments and affect badly in their achievements as well as their degree. But in the worst situation, pupils could be either repeated a class in general education or sit an exam again in univervities. Furthermore, when professional in this recreational sports, students are predisposed to taking precedence over pursuing highly- skilled sport careers rather than better improve their academic performance at school. Therefore, they are at all likely to ignore their studies and end up falling behind other classmates.
On the other hand, should the adolescents recognize what is the border between academic work and relaxation, this will be an advantageous aspect of that amusement. Firstly, doing physical activities would recharge students’ batteries after long hours of studying. Also, this divertissements could help undergraduates to relieve their stress and get ready for their upcoming lessons. Being in good mood for pupils helps them to learn more efficiently. In the second place, some scholarships from many of foreign universities always necessitate their extracurricular activities during their highschool as one of the best standards to assess their dynamy and vivacity in real life. A prime illustration of this point is the scholar standard of studying abroad in the Oxford University, the criteria of extracurricular activities are rated in the second place just after the demand of academic attainments.
In conclusion, there are mixed opinion on determining whether playing sports and other hobbies would exert an adverse impact on all the adolescents’ studies, i think younger individuals should balance between their academic work and amusement to make the best progress in their way of developing themselves.

Some individuals are of the opinion that succeeding in school would not be potential if juveniles still take part in playing sports and doing leisure-time activities. Personally, i partly agree with this suggestion based on some major reasons that are explained in this essay.
On the one hand, there are some persuasive rationales that support the claim that pastimes drive teenagers to fruitlessness of their study in school. As sports invariably require that every player has certainly professional skills if they want to compete or play well.This demand could lead to some youngsters who are competitive and have passion about athletic pastime are not able to have equilibrium of academic work and entertainment due to sacrificing too much time for indulging in and developing better their recreational strengths. As consequently, students would not both accomplish their assignments and affect badly in their achievements as well as their degree. But in the worst situation, pupils could be either repeated a class in general education or sit an exam again in univervities. Furthermore, when professional in this recreational sports, students are predisposed to taking precedence over pursuing highly- skilled sport careers rather than better improve their academic performance at school. Therefore, they are at all likely to ignore their studies and end up falling behind other classmates.
On the other hand, should the adolescents recognize what is the border between academic work and relaxation, this will be an advantageous aspect of that amusement. Firstly, doing physical activities would recharge students’ batteries after long hours of studying. Also, this divertissements could help undergraduates to relieve their stress and get ready for their upcoming lessons. Being in good mood for pupils helps them to learn more efficiently. In the second place, some scholarships from many of foreign universities always necessitate their extracurricular activities during their highschool as one of the best standards to assess their dynamy and vivacity in real life. A prime illustration of this point is the scholar standard of studying abroad in the Oxford University, the criteria of extracurricular activities are rated in the second place just after the demand of academic attainments.
In conclusion, there are mixed opinion on determining whether playing sports and other hobbies would exert an adverse impact on all the adolescents’ studies, i think younger individuals should balance between their academic work and amusement to make the best progress in their way of developing themselves.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some individuals are of the opinion that succeeding in school would not be potential if juveniles still take part in playing sports and doing leisure-time activities." -> "Some individuals believe that academic success is compromised if adolescents continue to engage in sports and leisure activities."
   Explanation: Replacing "succeeding in school would not be potential" with "academic success is compromised" clarifies the meaning and uses more formal academic language. "Juveniles" is less commonly used in formal writing; "adolescents" is more appropriate and precise.

2. "Personally, i partly agree" -> "Personally, I partly agree"
   Explanation: Capitalizing "I" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone.

3. "major reasons that are explained in this essay" -> "key reasons that will be discussed in this essay"
   Explanation: "Key reasons" is more specific and academically appropriate than "major reasons," and "will be discussed" is more precise than "are explained," indicating the forthcoming discussion.

4. "sports invariably require that every player has certainly professional skills" -> "sports invariably require that every player possesses professional skills"
   Explanation: "Possesses" is more precise and formal than "has certainly," which is redundant and informal.

5. "This demand could lead to some youngsters who are competitive and have passion about athletic pastime are not able to have equilibrium of academic work and entertainment" -> "This demand may lead some competitive and passionate youngsters to struggle to balance academic work and leisure activities"
   Explanation: Simplifying and rephrasing the sentence improves clarity and formality. "Struggle to balance" is more precise than "are not able to have equilibrium."

6. "affect badly in their achievements as well as their degree" -> "negatively impact their academic achievements and degrees"
   Explanation: "Negatively impact" is more formal and precise than "affect badly," and "academic achievements and degrees" is clearer than "achievements as well as their degree."

7. "pupils could be either repeated a class in general education or sit an exam again in univervities" -> "pupils may need to repeat a class in general education or retake an exam at university"
   Explanation: "May need to" is more accurate and formal than "could be," and "retake an exam at university" corrects the typo "univervities" and clarifies the context.

8. "when professional in this recreational sports" -> "when they become professionals in recreational sports"
   Explanation: "Become professionals" is grammatically correct and clearer than "when professional," which is awkward and incorrect.

9. "better improve their academic performance at school" -> "improve their academic performance at school"
   Explanation: "Better" is redundant before "improve," so it is removed for grammatical correctness and clarity.

10. "at all likely to ignore their studies" -> "highly likely to neglect their studies"
    Explanation: "Highly likely" is more precise and formal than "at all likely," and "neglect" is more specific than "ignore" in this context.

11. "divertissements" -> "diversions"
    Explanation: "Diversions" is the correct term, not "divertissements," which is a French word not commonly used in English.

12. "scholar standard of studying abroad in the Oxford University" -> "scholarship standards for studying abroad at Oxford University"
    Explanation: "Scholarship standards" is the correct term, and "at Oxford University" is more formal than "in the Oxford University."

13. "i think younger individuals should balance" -> "I believe that younger individuals should balance"
    Explanation: Capitalizing "I" corrects the grammatical error, and "believe that" is more formal than "think."

These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the impact of sports and leisure activities on academic success. The writer presents a clear opinion that partially agrees with the notion that such activities can hinder academic performance. However, the essay could benefit from a more thorough exploration of each side. For instance, while the negative impacts are discussed in detail, the positive aspects could be elaborated further, particularly how sports can enhance skills beneficial for academic success.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is explored equally. This could involve providing more specific examples of how sports can positively influence academic performance, such as improved teamwork skills or time management abilities gained through participation in sports.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a position that partially agrees with the prompt, but the clarity of this position could be improved. Phrases like "partly agree" and "mixed opinion" suggest ambivalence, which may confuse the reader about the writer’s stance. The conclusion reiterates the need for balance but does not firmly state the writer’s ultimate view.
  • How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should explicitly state their stance in the introduction and conclusion. Using more definitive language, such as "I believe that…" or "In my view, it is essential to…", would help clarify their opinion. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph consistently supports this position would strengthen the overall argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly regarding the negative impacts of sports on academic performance. However, some points lack sufficient development. For example, the claim that students may prioritize sports over academics is mentioned but not fully explored with examples or evidence. The positive aspects of sports are introduced but could be further supported with additional reasoning or examples.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, when discussing the benefits of sports, including statistics or studies that show improved academic performance among student-athletes could strengthen the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly linked to the overall thesis will enhance coherence.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the relationship between sports and academic performance. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the discussion of scholarships and extracurricular activities feels somewhat tangential to the main argument about the impact of sports on studies.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central argument. It may help to outline the main ideas before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall thesis. Additionally, revisiting the prompt while drafting can help keep the discussion aligned with the question asked.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, it can be improved by providing more detailed support for ideas, maintaining a clearer position, and ensuring that all parts of the prompt are thoroughly addressed.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure by dividing the argument into two main parts: the negative impact of sports on academic performance and the potential benefits of balancing sports with studies. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which aids in understanding. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and unclear connections between ideas. For instance, the transition between discussing the negative impacts of sports and the positive aspects of leisure activities could be smoother to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "Conversely," "In contrast," "Moreover") can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Revising sentences for clarity and conciseness will also strengthen the overall coherence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph addresses a distinct point, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, some paragraphs are overly long and contain multiple ideas that could be better served if split into smaller, more focused paragraphs. For example, the first paragraph could be divided to separately address the consequences of prioritizing sports over academics and the potential career implications.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should aim for a clear focus within each paragraph. Each paragraph should ideally contain one main idea supported by relevant examples or explanations. This can be achieved by breaking down complex ideas into simpler, more digestible parts, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, making the argument harder to follow. For instance, phrases like "As consequently" and "when professional in this recreational sports" are awkward and disrupt the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "For example," "As a result") to clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used correctly and naturally will enhance the overall readability of the essay. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help the writer become more comfortable with their application.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "persuasive rationales," "equilibrium," and "extracurricular activities." However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "academic work" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which limits the lexical richness. Additionally, some phrases, like "recreational strengths," are somewhat awkward and could benefit from more natural expressions.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "academic work," alternatives like "scholastic responsibilities" or "educational commitments" could be used. Engaging with a thesaurus and practicing paraphrasing can help diversify language use.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "fruitlessness of their study" is awkward and could be more clearly expressed as "lack of success in their studies." Additionally, "divertissements" is an uncommon term that may confuse readers; a more straightforward term like "leisure activities" would be clearer.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Reading academic essays and noting how authors choose their words can provide insights into effective vocabulary use. Practicing writing with a focus on clarity will also help in selecting the right words.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "univervities" instead of "universities," "dynamy" instead of "dynamism," and "i" instead of "I." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally after a short break to gain a fresh perspective. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words can also aid in improving spelling. Regular practice in writing and reviewing can help solidify correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "As sports invariably require that every player has certainly professional skills if they want to compete or play well" shows an attempt to convey detailed ideas. However, many sentences are overly long and convoluted, which can obscure meaning and reduce clarity. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the claim that pastimes drive teenagers to fruitlessness of their study in school," which could be expressed more clearly.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, the writer should practice using shorter, clearer sentences alongside more complex ones. Breaking down long sentences into two or more shorter ones can improve clarity. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of conjunctions and transitional phrases can help to create more varied and engaging sentence structures.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall quality. For example, the phrase "i partly agree with this suggestion" should capitalize "I." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "students are predisposed to taking precedence over pursuing highly-skilled sport careers rather than better improve their academic performance," where "better improve" is awkwardly phrased. Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas, make some sentences difficult to read, such as "As consequently, students would not both accomplish their assignments and affect badly in their achievements as well as their degree."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these concepts. Additionally, the writer should pay close attention to punctuation, ensuring that commas are used appropriately to separate clauses and enhance readability. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of grammatical structures, it requires significant improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice, feedback, and revision will be essential for the writer’s development in these areas.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals are of the opinion that succeeding in school would not be possible if juveniles continue to engage in sports and leisure-time activities. Personally, I partly agree with this suggestion based on some key reasons that will be discussed in this essay.

On the one hand, there are persuasive reasons that support the claim that pastimes can lead teenagers to struggle academically. Sports invariably require that every player possesses professional skills if they want to compete or play well. This demand could lead some competitive and passionate youngsters to struggle to maintain a balance between academic work and leisure activities, as they may sacrifice too much time indulging in and developing their recreational strengths. Consequently, students may fail to complete their assignments, which can negatively impact their academic achievements and degrees. In the worst-case scenario, pupils could either repeat a class in general education or retake an exam at university. Furthermore, when they become professionals in recreational sports, students are often predisposed to prioritize pursuing highly-skilled sports careers over improving their academic performance at school. Therefore, they are highly likely to neglect their studies and end up falling behind their classmates.

On the other hand, if adolescents recognize the boundary between academic work and relaxation, this can be a beneficial aspect of their leisure activities. Firstly, engaging in physical activities can recharge students’ batteries after long hours of studying. Additionally, these diversions can help undergraduates relieve their stress and prepare for their upcoming lessons. Being in a good mood helps pupils learn more efficiently. Secondly, many scholarships from foreign universities often require extracurricular activities during high school as one of the best standards to assess students’ dynamism and vitality in real life. A prime illustration of this point is the scholarship standards for studying abroad at Oxford University, where the criteria for extracurricular activities are rated just after academic achievements.

In conclusion, there are mixed opinions on whether playing sports and engaging in other hobbies would exert an adverse impact on adolescents’ studies. I believe that younger individuals should balance their academic work and leisure activities to make the best progress in their personal development.