Some peole believe that professional workers such as doctors and teachers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals contend that intellectual employees such as doctors and educators should get a higher salary than those who do sports and entertain people due to the greater importance of the former. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with this notion because both occupations are of equal significance; therefore, workers in both fields should be paid the same.

To begin with, I acknowledge the fact that some advocates believe the value of knowledge workers may be greater than sportspeople and artists trajectories in the long term; as a result, the income of the former should be higher than that of the latter. Basically, doctors and instructors contribute to people’s physical well-being and proper education, laying the foundation for people’s good health and academic achievement in the future. These place an integral impact on human lives in the long term while sports and entertainment performances may affect citizens’ emotions in a short period of time. For instance, a good football match or a music concert may bring an instant sense of excitement at the moment and this kind of emotion is likely to fade away over time.

However, I argue that the mental value of sportspeople and entertainers is as important as that of professional workers. Artists and athletes enrich the human inner world through songs, movies, arts, etc., which would heal their hurtful experiences and motivate them to try harder. This might assist people overcome difficulties and successfully seek out ways to solve their working problems, increasing their productivity. As a result, sporting and entertaining activities also have a substantial influence on people’s lives.

In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that intellectual workers should have higher salaries than sportspeople and entertainers regarding the long-term value the former create. This is because both occupations are of importance in different aspects; without artists and athletes, human may find it hard to cure their mental illnesses.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals contend" -> "Some argue"
Explanation: "Contend" can be replaced with "argue" to simplify the phrase while maintaining a formal tone, as "argue" is more commonly used in academic discourse to denote a position being advocated.
"get a higher salary" -> "receive higher salaries"
Explanation: "Get" is somewhat informal and vague in this context. "Receive" is more precise and formal, and "salaries" is plural to match the plural subject "employees."
"do sports and entertain people" -> "engage in sports and entertainment"
Explanation: "Do sports and entertain people" is informal and imprecise. "Engage in sports and entertainment" is more formal and accurately describes the activities involved.
"I strongly disagree" -> "I firmly disagree"
Explanation: "Strongly" is somewhat informal and can be replaced with "firmly" to maintain a more academic tone, which is preferred in formal writing.
"both occupations are of equal significance" -> "both occupations possess equal significance"
Explanation: "Are of equal significance" is a bit awkward and verbose. "Possess equal significance" is more direct and flows better in academic writing.
"workers in both fields should be paid the same" -> "workers in both fields should receive equal compensation"
Explanation: "Paid the same" is informal and lacks specificity. "Receive equal compensation" is more formal and precise, encompassing not only salary but also other forms of compensation.
"acknowledge the fact that" -> "acknowledge that"
Explanation: "The fact that" is redundant when "that" alone is sufficient. This simplification enhances clarity and formality.
"sportspeople and artists trajectories" -> "the trajectories of sportspeople and artists"
Explanation: "Trajectories" is not typically used with "sportspeople and artists" in this context. "The trajectories of sportspeople and artists" corrects this and clarifies the meaning.
"laying the foundation for people’s good health and academic achievement" -> "laying the foundation for individuals’ good health and academic success"
Explanation: "People" is too general and informal; "individuals" is more precise and formal. Also, "academic achievement" can be replaced with "academic success" for a more concise and formal expression.
"place an integral impact" -> "have an integral impact"
Explanation: "Place" is incorrect in this context; "have" is the correct verb to use with "impact" in this sense, indicating the effect of something.
"a good football match or a music concert" -> "a successful football match or a successful music concert"
Explanation: "Good" is vague and informal; "successful" is more specific and formal, fitting better in an academic context.
"This might assist people overcome difficulties" -> "This may help individuals overcome challenges"
Explanation: "Might" is less formal than "may," and "people" is replaced with "individuals" for formality. "Challenges" is a more precise term than "difficulties" in this context, suggesting specific obstacles to be overcome.
"human may find it hard to cure their mental illnesses" -> "humans may struggle to address their mental health issues"
Explanation: "Human" should be "humans" for grammatical correctness. "Find it hard to cure" is informal and imprecise; "struggle to address" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. "Mental illnesses" is replaced with "mental health issues" for a more contemporary and sensitive term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the notion that professional workers should earn more than sports and entertainment personalities. The writer provides a balanced view by acknowledging the arguments for higher salaries for intellectual workers while clearly articulating their own position. The essay discusses both sides, which is essential for a comprehensive response. However, it could benefit from a more explicit mention of the extent to which the writer disagrees, as the prompt asks for a degree of agreement or disagreement.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should explicitly state the extent of their disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. For instance, they could clarify whether they believe salaries should be equal or if they think sports and entertainment personalities should earn more. This would provide a clearer framework for their argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea that professional workers should be paid more. The writer consistently supports their stance throughout the essay, using logical reasoning and examples. However, there are moments where the phrasing could be more definitive, particularly in the transitional phrases between points.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should use more assertive language and ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument. For example, instead of saying "I argue that," they could state, "I firmly believe that…" This would reinforce their stance and enhance the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in discussing the contributions of both professional workers and entertainers. The examples provided, such as the impact of sports and entertainment on mental health, are relevant and effectively illustrate the writer’s points. However, the development of these ideas could be more extensive, especially in the first body paragraph, where the argument for the value of intellectual workers is somewhat underexplored.
- How to improve: To improve this area, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, when discussing the contributions of doctors and teachers, they could include statistics or studies that highlight their impact on society. This would add depth to the argument and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt directly and maintaining relevance throughout. However, there are a few instances where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "healing hurtful experiences" in relation to entertainers could be elaborated further to connect more explicitly to the overall argument about salary parity.
- How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the question of salary comparison. They could use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly outline how the content relates to the main argument. This would help keep the discussion tightly aligned with the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-reasoned argument. With some adjustments to clarity, depth of support, and explicit connections to the prompt, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs that explore opposing views before reinforcing the writer’s position. The progression of ideas is logical; for instance, the first paragraph discusses the perceived value of intellectual workers, while the second paragraph counters this by highlighting the importance of sports and entertainment. This logical flow aids in understanding the argument being made.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical organization, consider using more explicit linking phrases between ideas and paragraphs. For example, phrases like "On the other hand," or "Conversely," can help signal shifts in perspective more clearly. Additionally, summarizing the main point of each paragraph at the end could reinforce the argument’s structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are distinct, providing a clear framework for the discussion. However, the body paragraphs could be further refined; for instance, the first body paragraph could be split into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the value of intellectual workers and the other on the value of sports and entertainment figures.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant examples. This can be achieved by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main point. For instance, the first body paragraph could begin with a sentence that explicitly states the perceived superiority of intellectual workers, followed by supporting details.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "however," "to begin with," and "as a result," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. These devices effectively guide the reader through the writer’s reasoning. However, there is some repetition of certain phrases, such as "this is because," which could detract from the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "this is because," alternatives like "this is due to," "this can be attributed to," or "this is a result of" could be used. Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as referencing back to previous points with phrases like "as previously mentioned," can enhance the sophistication of the writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively presenting a balanced argument. With some refinements in paragraph structure and the variety of cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "intellectual employees," "advocates," "physical well-being," and "substantial influence." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and contribute to the clarity of the argument. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "workers" and "occupations," which could be varied to enhance the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeating "workers," you might use "professionals," "practitioners," or "specialists." Additionally, using more specific terms related to the fields discussed (e.g., "healthcare professionals" instead of just "doctors") can enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "the value of knowledge workers may be greater than sportspeople and artists trajectories" is somewhat awkward and unclear. The term "trajectories" does not fit well in this context, leading to confusion about the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, it is important to choose words that clearly convey the intended message. In this case, consider rephrasing to something like "the value of knowledge workers may be perceived as greater than that of sportspeople and artists." This adjustment clarifies the comparison and improves the overall coherence of the argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "peole" instead of "people" and "hurtful" which may not be the best choice in this context (consider "painful" or "traumatic" instead). These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may impact the reader’s perception of the writer’s attention to detail.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and their correct forms can improve overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a band score of 7, there are areas for improvement in terms of lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, it effectively uses complex sentences such as "To begin with, I acknowledge the fact that some advocates believe the value of knowledge workers may be greater than sportspeople and artists trajectories in the long term." This shows an ability to combine clauses and convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "should" and "may," which could limit the overall range. The essay also relies heavily on declarative sentences, which can make the writing feel somewhat monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound sentences and conditional clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly stating opinions with "I believe" or "I argue," the writer could use phrases like "If we consider the contributions of both sectors, it becomes evident that…" or "While some may argue that…". Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and transitions can enhance the flow and complexity of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "artists trajectories in the long term" is awkwardly constructed and should be revised to "the trajectories of artists in the long term." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the missing comma in "For instance, a good football match or a music concert may bring an instant sense of excitement at the moment and this kind of emotion is likely to fade away over time," which should include a comma before "and" to separate the independent clauses.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and sentence fragments. Practicing the use of commas, particularly in compound sentences, will also help improve clarity. Reading the essay aloud can assist in identifying awkward phrasing and punctuation errors. Additionally, the writer could benefit from reviewing specific grammar rules related to noun phrases and clause structures to refine their writing further.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals contend that intellectual employees such as doctors and educators should receive higher salaries than those who engage in sports and entertainment due to the greater importance of the former. In my opinion, I firmly disagree with this notion because both occupations possess equal significance; therefore, workers in both fields should receive equal compensation.

To begin with, I acknowledge that some advocates believe the value of knowledge workers may be greater than the trajectories of sportspeople and artists in the long term; as a result, the income of the former should be higher than that of the latter. Essentially, doctors and instructors contribute to people’s physical well-being and proper education, laying the foundation for individuals’ good health and academic success in the future. These aspects have an integral impact on human lives in the long term, while sports and entertainment performances may affect citizens’ emotions in a short period of time. For instance, a successful football match or a successful music concert may bring an instant sense of excitement at the moment, and this kind of emotion is likely to fade away over time.

However, I argue that the mental value of sportspeople and entertainers is as important as that of professional workers. Artists and athletes enrich the human inner world through songs, movies, and arts, which can heal their hurtful experiences and motivate them to try harder. This may help individuals overcome challenges and successfully seek out ways to solve their working problems, increasing their productivity. As a result, sporting and entertaining activities also have a substantial influence on people’s lives.

In conclusion, I disagree with the statement that intellectual workers should have higher salaries than sportspeople and entertainers regarding the long-term value the former create. This is because both occupations are important in different aspects; without artists and athletes, humans may find it hard to address their mental health issues.