Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life.

A favourite job is supposedly vital than having great income but some people argue that the high quality of living means a better wage. This essay completely agrees that the enjoyment of jobs outweighs its salaries. First, this essay will discuss both beliefs then analyse my opinion.
In fact, most of employees consider the salary before taking other working conditons into account. This is extremely reasonable since they have to cover their living expenses and pay for a lot of bills such as water, electricity, gas, etc and other social services. Besides, they are also the breadwinners who are responsible for domestic financial burdens. Having a lot of money, people can improve their own standards of living and invest more in their childen schooling. In addition, a good income ensures a better pension receiving if people get old. For example, in occupational surveys, the reason of wages makes up the highest propotion in comparison with other purposes.
However, I firmly believe that life will be meaningful if we work in our ejoyable jobs. Indeed, when people are forced to do anything, their brain will emit the signals of boredom. As a result, the peformance of work will decrease and our mental health will be affected negatively. This also has detrimental impacts on the salary and promotion. And the worst thing is that we can be dismissed from these jobs and become jobless. Therefore, it is undeniable that the passion for certain jobs is connected with well-being and salary which is proved to be important according the reasons above. The typical examples are Elon Musk and Bill Gates who become successful with their dream jobs and now being two of the most well-known bussinessmen all the world.
In conclusion, high wages are undoubtedly beneficial but people should have their enjoyable jobs because of its advantages of health and finance.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"A favourite job is supposedly vital than having great income" -> "A preferred job is more important than a high income"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.
"the high quality of living means a better wage" -> "a higher standard of living implies a higher wage"
Explanation: The original phrase is vague and imprecise. The suggested revision clarifies the relationship between living standards and wages, using more precise and formal language.
"this essay will discuss both beliefs then analyse my opinion" -> "this essay will discuss both perspectives and then analyze my opinion"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks clarity. The revision improves the formality and clarity of the sentence structure.
"most of employees" -> "most employees"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. Removing "of" corrects the grammar and maintains the formal tone.
"working conditons" -> "working conditions"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to ensure accuracy and professionalism in academic writing.
"pay for a lot of bills such as water, electricity, gas, etc and other social services" -> "pay for various bills, including water, electricity, gas, and other social services"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. The revision clarifies and formalizes the list of bills.
"the breadwinners who are responsible for domestic financial burdens" -> "the primary breadwinners who bear domestic financial responsibilities"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal and vague. The revision uses more precise and formal language.
"Having a lot of money, people can improve their own standards of living and invest more in their childen schooling" -> "Having a substantial income enables individuals to enhance their standard of living and invest more in their children’s education"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and contains a spelling error. The revision corrects the spelling and uses more formal and precise language.
"a good income ensures a better pension receiving" -> "a substantial income ensures better pension benefits"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies and formalizes the expression.
"the reason of wages makes up the highest propotion" -> "wages comprise the largest proportion"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and enhances clarity.
"ejoyable jobs" -> "enjoyable jobs"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to maintain professionalism and accuracy.
"the peformance of work" -> "the performance of work"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to ensure the text is free of typos.
"our mental health will be affected negatively" -> "our mental health will be negatively impacted"
Explanation: The original phrase is slightly informal and less precise. The revision uses more formal and academically appropriate language.
"the worst thing is that we can be dismissed from these jobs and become jobless" -> "the worst-case scenario is being dismissed from these jobs and becoming unemployed"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks formality. The revision uses more formal language and clarifies the consequences.
"well-being and salary which is proved to be important according the reasons above" -> "well-being and salary, which are crucial as demonstrated by the above reasons"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revision corrects these issues and enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.
"all the world" -> "worldwide"
Explanation: "All the world" is an archaic and informal expression. "Worldwide" is more precise and appropriate for formal writing.
"bussinessmen" -> "businessmen"
Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to maintain professionalism and accuracy.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding job satisfaction versus salary. The introduction clearly outlines the two perspectives, and the body paragraphs provide arguments supporting both views. However, the essay leans heavily towards the author’s opinion that enjoyment in a job is more important. While this is acceptable, the discussion of the opposing view could be more balanced and detailed. For instance, the author mentions the financial responsibilities people have but does not fully explore how these responsibilities might outweigh job satisfaction for some individuals.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should aim for a more balanced discussion of both viewpoints. This could involve providing more detailed examples or statistics that illustrate the benefits of a high salary, as well as acknowledging potential counterarguments to the author’s position. A clearer distinction between the two sides, with equal weight given to each, would strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that job enjoyment is more important than salary. This is evident in phrases such as "this essay completely agrees that the enjoyment of jobs outweighs its salaries." However, there are moments where the argument could be more explicitly tied back to the main thesis. For example, while the author discusses the negative impacts of job dissatisfaction, they could more directly connect these points to the overall argument about the importance of job enjoyment.
- How to improve: To ensure a more consistent position, the author should regularly refer back to the thesis statement throughout the essay. This can be achieved by summarizing how each point made supports the central argument. Additionally, using transitional phrases that reinforce the main position can help maintain clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the impact of job satisfaction on mental health and performance, and the financial benefits of a high salary. However, some points lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the mention of Elon Musk and Bill Gates as examples of successful individuals who enjoy their jobs is a strong point, but it would be more effective if the author explained how their job satisfaction directly contributed to their success.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples. This could involve discussing specific studies or statistics that support the claims made about job satisfaction and its effects. Additionally, expanding on the examples provided would create a more compelling argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the importance of job satisfaction versus salary. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of financial responsibilities. While this is relevant to the topic, the author could have tied these points back to the main argument more effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of job satisfaction versus salary. This can be achieved by regularly referencing the prompt and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering it. Additionally, avoiding tangential points that do not directly support the argument will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument. By addressing the areas for improvement outlined above, the author can enhance the clarity, depth, and balance of their response, potentially raising their band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that favors job enjoyment over salary, which is a strong starting point. The introduction outlines the two perspectives and states the writer’s position effectively. However, the organization within the body paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the importance of salary but lacks a clear transition to the second paragraph, which shifts focus to job enjoyment. This could confuse readers about how the two ideas relate to each other.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly connect back to the thesis statement. For example, after discussing the importance of salary, a transition sentence could summarize why, despite its importance, enjoyment in a job is ultimately more beneficial. Additionally, employing linking phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help clarify shifts in argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first body paragraph is quite lengthy and covers multiple points about salary without clear subdivision, making it harder to follow. The second body paragraph, while focused, could benefit from more detailed examples to support its claims.
- How to improve: Aim to break down longer paragraphs into smaller ones that each focus on a single idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing solely on the necessity of salary and the other on its implications for quality of life. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point to be discussed.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "In fact," "However," and "Therefore," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the flow could be improved with more varied transitions. For example, the phrase "this also has detrimental impacts" could be better connected to the previous sentence to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In contrast," and "Consequently." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity. For instance, when introducing examples, phrases like "For instance" or "For example" can help signal to the reader that an illustration is forthcoming.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some effective expressions such as "high quality of living," "breadwinners," and "domestic financial burdens." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variety, such as the repeated use of "salary" and "income." Additionally, phrases like "favourite job" and "enjoyable jobs" could be expanded to include synonyms or related terms to enhance the lexical range.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader variety of synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "salary," they could use "compensation," "remuneration," or "financial reward." Additionally, exploring phrases like "job satisfaction" or "career fulfillment" could add depth to the discussion about enjoyable jobs.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are notable inaccuracies that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the enjoyment of jobs outweighs its salaries" is awkwardly constructed; "its" should refer to "jobs," which is plural, thus requiring "their salaries." Additionally, "the reason of wages makes up the highest proportion" is imprecise; "reason of wages" could be better expressed as "the motivation for seeking higher wages."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully review sentence structures and ensure that pronouns agree in number and gender. Additionally, using clearer phrases, such as "the primary motivation for seeking higher wages," would improve clarity and precision in vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "childen" (children), "ejoyable" (enjoyable), "peformance" (performance), "bussinessmen" (businessmen), and "propotion" (proportion). These errors can disrupt the flow of reading and detract from the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a personal list of frequently used vocabulary can help reinforce correct spelling in future writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the range and precision of vocabulary, as well as improving spelling accuracy, will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "In fact, most of employees consider the salary before taking other working conditions into account" uses a complex structure effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, which limits the overall range. For instance, the phrase "people can improve their own standards of living" is straightforward and could be enhanced with more varied introductory phrases or clauses.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using introductory clauses, participial phrases, and varying sentence lengths. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "people," the writer could use phrases like "Those who prioritize salary often find themselves…" or "While some may argue for higher wages, others find fulfillment in…"
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, "A favourite job is supposedly vital than having great income" should be "A favourite job is supposedly more vital than having a great income." Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "most of employees," which should be "most employees." The use of commas is also inconsistent, particularly in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences or fragments.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of comparative structures. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focused on common errors, can be beneficial. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help improve clarity. For example, breaking down long sentences into shorter, clearer ones can also aid in avoiding run-on sentences.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and structure, focusing on grammatical accuracy and diversifying sentence structures will significantly enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

A preferred job is supposedly more vital than having a great income, but some people argue that a higher standard of living implies a better wage. This essay completely agrees that the enjoyment of jobs outweighs their salaries. First, this essay will discuss both perspectives and then analyze my opinion.

In fact, most employees consider the salary before taking other working conditions into account. This is extremely reasonable since they have to cover their living expenses and pay for various bills, including water, electricity, gas, and other social services. Besides, they are also the primary breadwinners who bear domestic financial responsibilities. Having a substantial income enables individuals to enhance their standard of living and invest more in their children’s education. In addition, a good income ensures better pension benefits if people get old. For example, in occupational surveys, the reason for wages comprises the largest proportion in comparison with other purposes.

However, I firmly believe that life will be meaningful if we work in our enjoyable jobs. Indeed, when people are forced to do anything, their brains emit signals of boredom. As a result, the performance of work will decrease, and our mental health will be negatively impacted. This also has detrimental effects on salary and promotion. The worst-case scenario is being dismissed from these jobs and becoming unemployed. Therefore, it is undeniable that the passion for certain jobs is connected with well-being and salary, which are crucial as demonstrated by the above reasons. Typical examples are Elon Musk and Bill Gates, who became successful with their dream jobs and are now two of the most well-known businessmen worldwide.

In conclusion, high wages are undoubtedly beneficial, but people should have enjoyable jobs because of their advantages for health and finance.