Some people believe it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

As the world becomes globalized, the aging population is becoming popular among individuals. While some contend that older individuals should continue working if it is possible for them to do. I wholeheartedly agree with the notion as it is a key factor in fostering the economy and well-being in the society.

The primary reason that I agree with the position is that the active participation of senior professionals can bolster the economy. The wealth of their experience and expertise are invaluable assets, enabling them to deal with challenges straightforwardly. Not only that, but they are also potential resources, which impart their valuable knowledge to the younger generation in the workplace. For example, seasoned professionals can make a decision quickly and carefully thanks to their experience and horizons. The professionals intricacy that the younger generation may lack, leading to increased the escalating innovation in particular nations.

Another reason is the encouragement of older individuals involving the senior professionals brings forth benefits for companies. To begin with, this can reduce the budget regarding the government pension for older individuals. Because the number of older individuals getting retirement increased sharply in some parts of the world. This can donate a huge amount of money to developing other fields such as health and education systems. Additionally, the predisposition of working in the older ages alleviates physical and mental health caused by the isolation of the early retirement, making them become more energizing and powerful.

In conclusion, Although the aging population is increasing quickly in some parts of the world. They are catalysts to bolster the economy and reduce health issues caused by the aging population and balance the budget among factors, enabling it to escalate consistently.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"the aging population is becoming popular among individuals" -> "the aging population is becoming a significant focus among scholars and policymakers"
Explanation: The original phrase inaccurately suggests popularity in a casual sense, which is inappropriate for an academic context. The revised version clarifies the subject’s importance in a scholarly and policy-making context, enhancing the formal tone.
"older individuals should continue working if it is possible for them to do" -> "older individuals should continue their professional engagements where feasible"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The suggested revision streamlines the sentence and employs more formal vocabulary, improving readability and academic tone.
"I wholeheartedly agree" -> "I strongly concur"
Explanation: "Wholeheartedly" is somewhat emotional and informal for academic writing. "Strongly concur" maintains a strong position while fitting better within an academic style.
"fostering the economy and well-being in the society" -> "enhancing economic growth and societal well-being"
Explanation: The revised phrase uses more precise and formal academic language, improving clarity and formality.
"The wealth of their experience and expertise are invaluable assets" -> "The extensive experience and expertise of senior professionals constitute invaluable assets"
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence structure and specifying "senior professionals" enhances clarity and formality. Additionally, "constitute" is more precise than "are," aligning better with academic style.
"Not only that, but they are also potential resources" -> "Moreover, they serve as potential resources"
Explanation: "Not only that, but" is conversational and can be replaced with "Moreover," which is concise and fits academic writing better. Also, "serve as" is more formal than "are."
"seasoned professionals can make a decision quickly and carefully" -> "seasoned professionals can make decisions both swiftly and judiciously"
Explanation: "Quickly and carefully" is replaced with "swiftly and judiciously" to enhance vocabulary sophistication and precision.
"The professionals intricacy that the younger generation may lack" -> "The intricate professional acumen that the younger generation may lack"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The revision clarifies the meaning and employs more formal academic language.
"Because the number of older individuals getting retirement increased sharply" -> "Given the sharp increase in the number of older individuals entering retirement"
Explanation: The original sentence fragment is informal and lacks a clear causal connection. The revision provides a more formal and logically structured explanation.
"This can donate a huge amount of money" -> "This could potentially redirect significant funds"
Explanation: "Donate" is not the correct term in this context, and "a huge amount of money" is informal. The suggested revision is more precise and adopts a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"making them become more energizing and powerful" -> "rendering them more vigorous and resilient"
Explanation: "Making them become" is awkward and informal, while "energizing and powerful" lacks academic precision. "Rendering them more vigorous and resilient" is clearer and more formally appropriate.
"Although the aging population is increasing quickly" -> "Although the aging population is rapidly increasing"
Explanation: "Increasing quickly" can be replaced with "rapidly increasing" for conciseness and to enhance the formality of the expression.
"They are catalysts to bolster the economy" -> "They act as catalysts for bolstering the economy"
Explanation: Adding "act as" clarifies the role of the aging population and employs a more formal structure.
"reduce health issues caused by the aging population and balance the budget among factors, enabling it to escalate consistently" -> "mitigate health issues associated with aging and achieve fiscal balance, thereby ensuring consistent economic growth"
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the intended meaning, uses more precise language ("mitigate" instead of "reduce," "associated with" instead of "caused by"), and employs a more formal academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by expressing a clear opinion on the idea of older people continuing to work. It discusses the benefits of older individuals remaining in the workforce and acknowledges the potential impact on the economy and society.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt and fully explores the topic. Explicitly address any potential counterarguments to strengthen the argument’s depth.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance supporting the idea of older individuals continuing to work. The position is established in the introduction and consistently reinforced throughout the essay.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, consider refining the thesis statement to succinctly encapsulate the main argument and ensure all subsequent paragraphs directly contribute to supporting this position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the economic benefits and societal advantages of older individuals staying in the workforce. However, some ideas lack sufficient elaboration and could benefit from further development. For instance, the impact of senior professionals’ knowledge transfer could be expanded upon with specific examples or data.
- How to improve: Extend ideas by providing concrete examples, statistical evidence, or case studies to substantiate claims and add depth to the analysis. Ensure each supporting point is fully developed to enhance the essay’s persuasiveness.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay primarily stays on topic by discussing the advantages of older individuals continuing to work, there are minor instances where the connection to the prompt could be strengthened. For example, the discussion on reducing government pension expenses could be more explicitly tied to the broader theme of economic benefits.
- How to improve: Maintain a strong connection to the prompt throughout the essay by consistently linking arguments and examples back to the central idea. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to supporting the main argument.

Overall, the essay effectively supports the idea of older people continuing to work, highlighting the economic and societal advantages of their continued participation in the workforce. To improve, focus on deepening the analysis, providing more thorough support for ideas, and ensuring all content directly aligns with the essay prompt. Strengthening these aspects will further enhance the clarity, coherence, and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction stating the writer’s position, followed by two body paragraphs presenting reasons supporting the viewpoint, and ends with a brief conclusion. However, there are issues with coherence within and between sentences. For instance, the flow of ideas is sometimes disjointed, such as in the transition from discussing the economic benefits of older individuals working to the advantages for companies. Additionally, there is repetition of points, such as mentioning the economic benefits twice in different words without adding new insights.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider creating a clearer roadmap for the essay by outlining the main points before writing. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea and transition smoothly to the next. Use connecting words and phrases to guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the structure and coherence within paragraphs need improvement. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear delineation, resulting in confusion for the reader. For instance, the second paragraph combines discussing the economic contributions of older professionals with their mentoring role, which could be better presented in separate paragraphs.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Aim for unity and coherence within each paragraph by sticking to one main point and providing relevant elaboration.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "while," "not only that," "another reason," and "in conclusion." However, there is limited variety, and their usage is somewhat mechanical, not always contributing to the coherence of the text. Additionally, there is inconsistency in maintaining cohesion, with some ideas lacking clear connections to preceding or subsequent sentences.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices beyond basic transitions to include pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs where appropriate. Ensure cohesive devices are used purposefully to link ideas logically and guide the reader through the essay seamlessly. Pay attention to maintaining consistency in their application throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary with varied word choices such as "globalized," "fostering," "invaluable," "impair," and "escalating." However, some phrases lack precision or fluency, which affects the overall impression of vocabulary richness. For instance, "aging population is becoming popular among individuals" could be rephrased for clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, strive for more nuanced vocabulary choices that align closely with the intended meaning. Consider phrases like "aging demographic is gaining prominence" instead of "aging population is becoming popular among individuals." Also, aim for more idiomatic and contextually appropriate expressions to enrich the essay further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay employs a range of vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise word usage or awkward phrasing. For example, "wealth of their experience" could be refined to "depth of their experience" for more precision. Additionally, phrases like "escalating innovation" may not accurately convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: Focus on refining word choice to ensure precision and clarity. Instead of "wealth of their experience," consider using "depth of their experience" to convey a clearer meaning. Similarly, replace "escalating innovation" with a more precise term or phrase that captures the idea effectively, such as "spurring innovation."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "increased the escalating" (should be "increasing" or "fostering"), "predisposition" (contextually inaccurate), and "energizing" (should be "energized"). These errors detract from the overall coherence and readability of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools or proofreading thoroughly before finalizing the essay. Additionally, practice spelling words that commonly pose difficulties and review them regularly to enhance accuracy. Moreover, be cautious with the usage of complex words to ensure they are employed correctly within the context.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in utilizing vocabulary, there is room for improvement in precision, fluency, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on refining word choice, ensuring precision, and enhancing spelling proficiency, the essay can further elevate its lexical resource and overall effectiveness in conveying ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable attempt at utilizing a variety of sentence structures. There is evidence of complex sentences, such as "The wealth of their experience and expertise are invaluable assets, enabling them to deal with challenges straightforwardly." However, the range is somewhat limited, and some sentences lack complexity or coherence, which affects the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, aim for a more balanced mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Introduce subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and varied sentence beginnings to add depth and complexity to your writing. Also, ensure that each sentence contributes logically to the overall argument, avoiding unnecessary repetition or ambiguity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few notable errors. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "The professionals intricacy that the younger generation may lack, leading to increased the escalating innovation in particular nations.") and article usage (e.g., "encouragement of older individuals involving the senior professionals" should be "involving senior professionals"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent capitalization.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Proofread your writing carefully, focusing on common grammatical errors. For punctuation, ensure consistent use of commas to separate clauses and phrases, and capitalize proper nouns and the first word of each sentence. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors more effectively. Also, familiarize yourself with standard punctuation rules through practice and study.

Bài sửa mẫu

As the world becomes increasingly globalized, the aging population is becoming a significant focus among scholars and policymakers. While some contend that older individuals should continue their professional engagements where feasible, I strongly concur with this notion as it plays a pivotal role in enhancing economic growth and societal well-being.

The primary reason I agree with this position is that the active participation of senior professionals can bolster the economy. The extensive experience and expertise of senior professionals constitute invaluable assets, enabling them to address challenges effectively. Moreover, they serve as potential resources by imparting their valuable knowledge to the younger generation in the workplace. For example, seasoned professionals can make decisions both swiftly and judiciously thanks to their extensive experience and breadth of knowledge. This intricate professional acumen that the younger generation may lack leads to an increase in innovation within nations.

Another reason is that the encouragement of older individuals to continue working brings benefits for companies and society at large. Initially, this could potentially redirect significant funds away from government pensions for older individuals, given the sharp increase in the number of older individuals entering retirement in some parts of the world. Such funds could be invested in developing other fields such as health and education systems. Additionally, continuing to work at older ages can mitigate health issues associated with aging, rendering them more vigorous and resilient by alleviating the physical and mental health problems caused by early retirement.

In conclusion, although the aging population is rapidly increasing in some parts of the world, older individuals should continue their professional engagements where feasible. They act as catalysts for bolstering the economy, can mitigate health issues associated with aging, and achieve fiscal balance, thereby ensuring consistent economic growth.