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Some people believe it is essential to include physical education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children’s time is better spent on more academics subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people believe it is essential to include physical education classes in the curriculum for all school-age children. Others think that children's time is better spent on more academics subjects. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

During my primary school years, Physical Education (PE) was my least favourite subject. The intense practices induced fatigue and perspiration, making it less appealing. But growing up, I came to appreciate the importance of PE in the school curriculum, along with other academic subjects as each offers several benefits for all-age children. This essay will discuss both perspectives, supporting the inclusion of PE in their curriculum.
To begin with, one common benefit that can be seen when taking PE classes is they do great wonders for their physical and mental health.Engaging in diverse physical activities in PE induces perspiration, boosting their adrenaline level, and thus enhancing their overall energy levels. This, in turn, can also facilitate their cognitive process, ultimately benefiting their academic results. Practising PE subjects also maintains self-discipline and perseverance for children at a very young age. Such benefits are the main reasons that PE classes should be highly considered putting into the schoolchildren's curriculum.
On the other hand, it is also worth noticing the importance of academic subjects due to the diverse career prospects they offer. Advocates for studying academic subjects argue that while PE classes can be necessary for children, society has become more and more competitive, so getting good grades and getting into university is essential. As some academic expertise such as doctors, engineers and scientists have opened doors to the job markets, studying these academic subjects widens their chances of getting a stable and high-paid job. Therefore, reasonably, academic subjects will hold some core values for those aiming for higher education and specific career paths.
To conclude, I believe that both PE classes and academic ones can have several advantages for schoolchildren. A balanced schedule for them champions the pursuit of academic disciplines while maintaining PE practice can result in both their improved health and learning. Therefore, a thoughtful integration is essential for a comprehensive and effective educational experience.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "During my primary school years, Physical Education (PE) was my least favourite subject. The intense practices induced fatigue and perspiration, making it less appealing. But growing up, I came to appreciate the importance of PE in the school curriculum, along with other academic subjects as each offers several benefits for all-age children. This essay will discuss both perspectives, supporting the inclusion of PE in their curriculum."

    ->

    "In my early years of primary school, Physical Education (PE) held the least appeal for me. The rigorous exercises induced fatigue and perspiration, diminishing its allure. However, as I matured, I gained an appreciation for the significance of PE in the school curriculum, alongside other academic subjects, as each provides various benefits for children of all ages. This essay will explore both perspectives, advocating for the integration of PE into the curriculum."

    Explanation: The revised version maintains a formal tone by rephrasing certain expressions, such as replacing "growing up" with "as I matured" and enhancing the structure of the opening paragraph for clarity.

  2. "To begin with, one common benefit that can be seen when taking PE classes is they do great wonders for their physical and mental health. Engaging in diverse physical activities in PE induces perspiration, boosting their adrenaline level, and thus enhancing their overall energy levels. This, in turn, can also facilitate their cognitive process, ultimately benefiting their academic results. Practising PE subjects also maintains self-discipline and perseverance for children at a very young age. Such benefits are the main reasons that PE classes should be highly considered putting into the schoolchildren’s curriculum."

    ->

    "Firstly, a notable advantage of participating in PE classes is the substantial impact they have on both physical and mental well-being. Involvement in diverse physical activities induces perspiration, elevating adrenaline levels and consequently enhancing overall energy levels. This, in turn, can also positively influence cognitive processes, ultimately contributing to improved academic outcomes. Engaging in PE subjects also instills self-discipline and perseverance in children from a very young age. These benefits underscore the importance of seriously considering the inclusion of PE classes in the school curriculum for children."

    Explanation: The revised version replaces informal expressions like "do great wonders" with more precise and formal language. It also enhances the structure and flow for a more academic tone.

  3. "On the other hand, it is also worth noticing the importance of academic subjects due to the diverse career prospects they offer. Advocates for studying academic subjects argue that while PE classes can be necessary for children, society has become more and more competitive, so getting good grades and getting into university is essential. As some academic expertise such as doctors, engineers and scientists have opened doors to the job markets, studying these academic subjects widens their chances of getting a stable and high-paid job. Therefore, reasonably, academic subjects will hold some core values for those aiming for higher education and specific career paths."

    ->

    "Conversely, it is crucial to acknowledge the significance of academic subjects in light of the diverse career prospects they offer. Proponents of studying academic subjects contend that, while PE classes may be beneficial for children, contemporary society is increasingly competitive, making high grades and university admission essential. Professions requiring academic expertise, such as doctors, engineers, and scientists, have opened doors to lucrative job markets, thereby expanding opportunities for obtaining stable and well-compensated employment. Consequently, academic subjects hold intrinsic value for individuals aspiring to higher education and specific career paths."

    Explanation: The revised version maintains a formal tone, replaces colloquial expressions like "worth noticing" with "crucial to acknowledge," and employs more precise and formal language for clarity and sophistication.

  4. "To conclude, I believe that both PE classes and academic ones can have several advantages for schoolchildren. A balanced schedule for them champions the pursuit of academic disciplines while maintaining PE practice can result in both their improved health and learning. Therefore, a thoughtful integration is essential for a comprehensive and effective educational experience."

    ->

    "In conclusion, I posit that both PE classes and academic pursuits offer numerous advantages for schoolchildren. A well-balanced schedule that prioritizes the pursuit of academic disciplines, coupled with the maintenance of PE practice, can lead to enhancements in both their health and learning. Therefore, a deliberate integration is indispensable for a comprehensive and effective educational experience."

    Explanation: The revised version maintains formality, replaces informal expressions like "I believe" with "I posit," and enhances precision and clarity in the closing statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay discusses both perspectives regarding the inclusion of physical education in school curriculums versus the emphasis on academic subjects. It delves into the benefits of PE on physical and mental health, as well as the advantages of academic subjects for career prospects.
    • How to improve: While the essay addresses both views, it would benefit from a more balanced discussion. The argument for academic subjects seems slightly more emphasized. To enhance, provide a deeper exploration of the advantages of PE beyond general health benefits and demonstrate a more equitable consideration of both perspectives.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a relatively clear position in supporting the inclusion of PE in the curriculum alongside academic subjects. It begins with a personal perspective but subsequently leans towards advocating for both PE and academic disciplines.
    • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure a consistent stance from the introduction to the conclusion. Explicitly state the position earlier and reinforce it throughout with stronger language to affirm the standpoint consistently.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the benefits of both PE and academic subjects, providing examples such as improved physical health and widened career prospects. However, the support for the PE perspective could be more elaborate.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion on the benefits of PE beyond general physical and mental health to encompass cognitive development, social skills, and holistic growth. Incorporate specific examples or studies to reinforce the argument’s credibility and depth.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the relevance of including PE classes in the curriculum versus focusing solely on academic subjects. However, there are moments where the emphasis on academic subjects overshadows the discussion on PE.
    • How to improve: Ensure a more balanced approach between the two perspectives throughout the essay. Maintain focus on both viewpoints equally to avoid overshadowing one over the other.

Overall Suggestions for Improvement:

  1. Balance: Ensure an equitable distribution of discussion between the advantages of PE and academic subjects.
  2. Clarity: Clearly state and maintain a consistent position throughout the essay.
  3. Elaboration: Extend the discussion on the benefits of PE beyond general health, providing specific examples and supporting evidence.
  4. Balance of Emphasis: Maintain an equal emphasis on both perspectives to avoid overshadowing one viewpoint over the other.

By implementing these improvements, the essay can achieve a more comprehensive exploration of both perspectives, thus enhancing the overall Task Response score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a discernible structure, beginning with an introductory paragraph that outlines the author’s stance and the discussion points. It progresses logically by first discussing the benefits of physical education, followed by the advantages of academic subjects. The concluding paragraph provides a succinct summary of the main arguments.
    • How to improve: While the overall organization is clear, enhancing the coherence between paragraphs could strengthen the essay. Consider using transition phrases to seamlessly connect ideas between paragraphs, ensuring a smoother flow of thoughts and improving the overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on either the benefits of PE, the importance of academic subjects, or the concluding thoughts. However, some paragraphs could be more cohesive internally, ensuring a clearer separation of ideas within each section.
    • How to improve: Aim for a more structured approach within paragraphs. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Provide supporting details and examples to reinforce these ideas coherently, ensuring a cohesive flow of thoughts within each section.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "To begin with," "On the other hand," and "Therefore," which assist in guiding the reader through the arguments. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance coherence further.
    • How to improve: Introduce a more diverse array of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "moreover," "however," "furthermore"), and parallel structures to establish clearer connections between ideas. This will create a more seamless flow between sentences and paragraphs.

Improving coherence and cohesion involves refining the structure and ensuring a smooth transition between ideas. Strengthening paragraph organization with clear topic sentences and utilizing a broader range of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. These adjustments will help create a more cohesive and structured piece of writing, elevating the clarity and readability for the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use a variety of words and phrases throughout the essay. For instance, words such as "induced," "adrenaline," and "perseverance" showcase a level of lexical diversity. However, there is room for improvement as some repetition of vocabulary is evident, and a more extensive use of synonyms could enhance the lexical richness.

    • How to improve: To broaden the vocabulary range, consider employing synonyms and alternative expressions for commonly used words. For example, instead of repeating "academic subjects," you could use phrases like "scholastic disciplines" or "educational domains" to add variety. Additionally, integrating more specific and nuanced vocabulary related to physical education and academic subjects would contribute to a more diverse lexical resource.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision. There are instances of effective word choice, such as "boosting their adrenaline level" and "maintains self-discipline." However, there are also moments where the language could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "intense practices induced fatigue" could benefit from more specific descriptors to convey the intensity accurately.

    • How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of using general terms like "intense practices," consider specifying the nature of the activities, such as "rigorous physical exercises" or "demanding training sessions." Precision adds clarity and depth to the expression of ideas, contributing to a more sophisticated use of vocabulary.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. Most words are spelled correctly, and there are no major spelling errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "widens their chances," where subject-verb agreement is needed ("widen their chances").

    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully, paying attention to common grammatical errors and subject-verb agreement. Utilizing spelling and grammar-check tools can also be beneficial in identifying and correcting minor issues. Additionally, reviewing subject-verb agreement rules can help in avoiding such errors in future compositions.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a commendable effort in vocabulary usage and spelling, there is room for improvement in terms of lexical diversity, precision, and minor spelling details. Enhancing these aspects will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, and the writer attempts to use varied sentence beginnings. However, some sentence structures are repetitive, such as the frequent use of introductory phrases. The effectiveness of structures is evident in conveying ideas, but more variety could enhance the overall fluency.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating compound and complex sentences more consistently. Experiment with different sentence beginnings and structures to add complexity and sophistication to the writing. For instance, try using inverted sentences or varying the placement of dependent clauses.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. There are instances of subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "PE classes is" should be "PE classes are") and some awkward sentence constructions. However, these do not significantly impede comprehension.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Review each sentence for clarity and correctness. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to identify and correct minor errors.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, with appropriate use of commas, periods, and other basic punctuation marks. However, there are instances where punctuation could be refined for better clarity. For example, some sentences are lengthy and could benefit from the use of semicolons or dashes to improve readability.
    • How to improve: Focus on the use of punctuation to enhance clarity and structure. Experiment with the use of semicolons or dashes to create variety in sentence lengths and improve overall flow. Ensure that commas are used judiciously to avoid run-on sentences and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy. To elevate the score further, the writer should aim for more diverse sentence structures, heightened grammatical precision, and refined punctuation usage. Regular practice and careful proofreading will contribute to achieving these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

During my early school years, Physical Education (PE) ranked as my least favorite subject. The rigorous exercises induced fatigue and perspiration, making it less appealing. However, as I matured, I came to recognize the significance of PE in the school curriculum, alongside other academic subjects, each offering numerous benefits for children of all ages. This essay will examine both perspectives, advocating for the inclusion of PE in the curriculum.

To commence, a prevalent advantage of PE classes is their positive impact on physical and mental health. Engaging in diverse physical activities induces perspiration, elevating adrenaline levels and enhancing overall energy levels. This, in turn, can facilitate cognitive processes, ultimately benefiting academic performance. PE subjects also instill self-discipline and perseverance in children from a young age. Such benefits underscore the importance of integrating PE classes into the school curriculum.

Conversely, it is crucial to recognize the significance of academic subjects due to the varied career prospects they offer. Supporters of academic subjects argue that in our increasingly competitive society, obtaining good grades and gaining entry into universities is essential. Professions such as doctors, engineers, and scientists, which require academic expertise, open doors to the job market. Consequently, the study of academic subjects broadens children’s chances of securing stable and well-compensated employment. Therefore, reasonably, academic subjects hold core value for those aspiring to higher education and specific career paths.

In conclusion, I believe that both PE classes and academic subjects offer several advantages for schoolchildren. Striking a balance between pursuing academic disciplines and engaging in PE practice can lead to improved health and learning outcomes. Therefore, a thoughtful integration is essential for a comprehensive and effective educational experience.

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