Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones.

In today’s digital age, it is commonly believed that pupils should not be permitted to utilize mobile phones in school, whereas opponents claim that this has its benefits. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives of this argument as well as my viewpoint.
On the one hand, there are several aspects why many people are concerned about the negative impacts of allowing children to use the phone during school hours. To commence with, mobile devices can distract students from their study as they often use them for non-educational purposes such as gaming, social media, and messaging. This distraction will not only lead to a decline in academic performance but teenagers also have a tendency to not focus on their lessons or complete assignments. Additionally, young learners should be prohibited from using cell phones due to the waste of a huge time. Reliance on technological equipment will affect adversely students’s specialise skills. As a result, it can decrease their productivity of mental and physical health.
On the other hand, the use of mobile phones is necessary for students for many reasons. First and foremost, school individuals can supplement beneficially their learning by searching for relevant information through educational tools on phones. Moreover, in emergency cases, mobile phones are useful for teenagers to contact their relatives or friends to ask for immediate assistance. Besides, phones can facilitate collaboration between teachers and students. For example, Educators can utilize technology to create quizzes and surveys online for school children to consolidate their knowledge.
In conclusion, while there are potential advantages to using phones in education, I am also convinced that the allowance of utilizing mobile devices has its own drawbacks.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"it is commonly believed that" -> "it is widely held that"
Explanation: Replacing "commonly believed" with "widely held" enhances the formality of the statement, aligning it more closely with academic writing conventions.
"whereas opponents claim that" -> "while opponents argue"
Explanation: "Whereas" can be replaced with "while" for smoother transition between contrasting ideas. "Claim" can be substituted with "argue" to maintain a more formal tone.
"On the one hand, there are several aspects why many people are concerned about" -> "Firstly, there are several reasons why many people are concerned about"
Explanation: Replacing "aspects" with "reasons" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.
"To commence with" -> "To begin with"
Explanation: "Commence" is less commonly used in academic writing compared to "begin." "To begin with" is a more conventional phrase to introduce the first point.
"mobile devices can distract students from their study" -> "mobile devices can distract students from their studies"
Explanation: Correcting subject-verb agreement by changing "study" to "studies" to match the plural subject "students."
"This distraction will not only lead to a decline in academic performance but teenagers also have a tendency to not focus on their lessons or complete assignments." -> "This distraction not only leads to a decline in academic performance, but teenagers also tend to lose focus on their lessons or neglect assignments."
Explanation: Streamlining the sentence structure for clarity and coherence while maintaining formal language.
"Additionally, young learners should be prohibited from using cell phones due to the waste of a huge time." -> "Furthermore, young learners should be prohibited from using cell phones due to the significant time wastage."
Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by replacing "huge" with "significant" and restructuring the sentence for smoother flow.
"Reliance on technological equipment will affect adversely students’s specialise skills." -> "Relying on technological equipment will adversely affect students’ specialized skills."
Explanation: Improving grammar and clarity by correcting possessive form and rephrasing for better readability.
"As a result, it can decrease their productivity of mental and physical health." -> "Consequently, it can decrease their mental and physical health productivity."
Explanation: Clarifying the relationship between technology use and health productivity, while adjusting word order for smoother expression.
"the use of mobile phones is necessary for students for many reasons." -> "the utilization of mobile phones is indispensable for students for various reasons."
Explanation: Substituting "use" with "utilization" for variety and precision. Replacing "necessary" with "indispensable" for a stronger emphasis on importance.
"First and foremost, school individuals can supplement beneficially their learning by searching for relevant information through educational tools on phones." -> "First and foremost, students can enhance their learning significantly by accessing relevant information through educational tools on their phones."
Explanation: Clarifying the subject and verb agreement and improving coherence by rephrasing for clarity.
"Moreover, in emergency cases, mobile phones are useful for teenagers to contact their relatives or friends to ask for immediate assistance." -> "Furthermore, in emergency situations, mobile phones enable teenagers to contact their relatives or friends for immediate assistance."
Explanation: Substituting "cases" with "situations" for precision. Replacing "useful" with "enable" for a stronger verb choice.
"Besides, phones can facilitate collaboration between teachers and students." -> "Moreover, phones can facilitate collaboration between teachers and students."
Explanation: Replacing "besides" with "moreover" for smoother transition between ideas.
"For example, Educators can utilize technology to create quizzes and surveys online for school children to consolidate their knowledge." -> "For instance, educators can employ technology to develop quizzes and surveys online, aiding students in reinforcing their knowledge."
Explanation: Replacing "utilize" with "employ" for variety and formality. Clarifying the role of educators and restructuring the sentence for clarity.
"In conclusion, while there are potential advantages to using phones in education, I am also convinced that the allowance of utilizing mobile devices has its own drawbacks." -> "In conclusion, while there are potential benefits to integrating phones into education, I am also convinced that allowing the use of mobile devices comes with its own drawbacks."
Explanation: Replacing "advantages" with "benefits" for variety. Restructuring the sentence for clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives of the argument, discussing reasons for and against allowing children to use mobile phones in school. It also briefly mentions the writer’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure each viewpoint is thoroughly explored with supporting evidence and examples. Additionally, clearly state the writer’s stance and provide more detailed reasoning for it.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present both sides of the argument but lacks a clear stance throughout. While it mentions the benefits and drawbacks of allowing mobile phone use in school, it does not assert a definitive position.
- How to improve: Choose a side and maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay. Provide stronger justification for the chosen viewpoint and refute opposing arguments effectively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of allowing mobile phone use in school. However, the development and support of these ideas are somewhat lacking. Examples provided are limited, and arguments could be further elaborated.
- How to improve: Extend each idea by providing more detailed examples, statistics, or studies to support arguments. Develop counterarguments to address potential objections and strengthen the overall argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing whether children should be allowed to use mobile phones in school. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as the brief mention of the benefits of using phones in education.
- How to improve: Maintain a strict focus on the topic throughout the essay. Avoid introducing tangential points that do not directly contribute to the discussion of mobile phone usage in schools.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents arguments for both sides, there is room for improvement in clarity, depth of analysis, and staying strictly on topic. By providing more thorough explanations, extending ideas with stronger support, and maintaining a consistent stance, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. The introduction presents the topic and outlines the writer’s intention to discuss both sides of the argument. Each body paragraph discusses one perspective coherently, with clear topic sentences. However, there is some repetition in the argumentation, particularly in the discussion of negative impacts in the first body paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, avoid repeating ideas and ensure each paragraph presents a unique aspect of the argument. Consider using transitional phrases to smoothly connect ideas between paragraphs.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but they are somewhat uneven in length and could be more effectively structured. While there is an attempt to separate ideas into paragraphs, they could be more coherent. For instance, the first body paragraph contains several ideas but lacks clear topic sentences for each point.
- How to improve: Focus on developing a clear topic sentence for each paragraph that introduces the main idea. Ensure each paragraph discusses one main point in detail, and use supporting sentences to elaborate on that idea. Consider varying the length of your paragraphs to create a more engaging structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "Moreover," "Besides"), but their usage is somewhat repetitive and could be more varied. Additionally, some sentences lack coherence due to awkward phrasing or unclear connections between ideas.
- How to improve: Expand your range of cohesive devices to include a variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "However") to connect ideas more effectively. Ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately and adds to the coherence of the essay.

Overall, to improve your coherence and cohesion score, focus on developing a more structured and organized essay. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by relevant details and examples. Use a variety of cohesive devices to connect your ideas and create a more cohesive argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes common vocabulary related to the topic, such as "digital age," "utilize," "permitted," "distraction," "academic performance," "reliance," "supplement," "emergency cases," and "collaboration." However, there is limited diversity in vocabulary, with some repetition (e.g., "mobile phones" repeated frequently). There is also room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of vocabulary used to express ideas more precisely and vividly.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider array of vocabulary, including synonyms and more specialized terms where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "mobile phones," the writer could vary their language by employing alternatives like "cellular devices," "smartphones," or "handheld devices." Additionally, introducing more nuanced vocabulary to express ideas could enrich the essay’s lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some precision in vocabulary usage, particularly in conveying the general ideas of the argument. For example, terms like "distract," "academic performance," and "collaboration" are used effectively to convey specific concepts. However, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "specialise skills" instead of "specialized skills," and "waste of a huge time" instead of "significant time wastage." These instances detract from the overall precision of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should pay close attention to word choice and ensure that terms are used accurately and appropriately. This can be achieved by consulting a thesaurus to find more precise alternatives and by proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct any instances of imprecise vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with the majority of words spelled correctly. However, there are several instances of spelling errors throughout the essay, such as "advantages" misspelled as "advantages," "specialise" instead of "specialize," and "individuals" misspelled as "individuals." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should utilize spell-checking tools and proofread the essay thoroughly before submission. Additionally, developing a habit of reviewing commonly misspelled words and practicing spelling them correctly can help enhance spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a decent range of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and some use of subordination. For instance, phrases like "In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives of this argument as well as my viewpoint" exhibit a compound sentence structure. However, there’s room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to enhance clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions, such as conditional sentences or inversion, to add sophistication and clarity to your arguments. For instance, instead of relying solely on basic subject-verb-object structures, try using relative clauses or participial phrases to provide additional information in a more concise manner.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors throughout the text that impact clarity and coherence. For example, "Reliance on technological equipment will affect adversely students’s specialise skills" contains a subject-verb agreement error ("students’s" should be "students’"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas after introductory phrases ("In today’s digital age," and "Moreover,").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, especially with possessive forms and plural nouns. Proofreading carefully can help catch errors like missing commas or incorrect punctuation usage. Consider revising sentences that seem unclear or convoluted to ensure they convey your intended meaning effectively. Additionally, practicing sentence structure variations can also help in enhancing grammatical accuracy and overall writing quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s digital age, it is widely held that pupils should not be permitted to utilize mobile phones in school, while opponents argue that this has its benefits. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives of this argument as well as my viewpoint.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why many people are concerned about the negative impacts of allowing children to use the phone during school hours. To begin with, mobile devices can distract students from their studies as they often use them for non-educational purposes such as gaming, social media, and messaging. This distraction not only leads to a decline in academic performance, but teenagers also tend to lose focus on their lessons or neglect assignments. Furthermore, young learners should be prohibited from using cell phones due to the significant time wastage. Relying on technological equipment will adversely affect students’ specialized skills. Consequently, it can decrease their mental and physical health productivity.

On the other hand, the utilization of mobile phones is indispensable for students for various reasons. First and foremost, students can enhance their learning significantly by accessing relevant information through educational tools on their phones. Furthermore, in emergency situations, mobile phones enable teenagers to contact their relatives or friends for immediate assistance. Moreover, phones can facilitate collaboration between teachers and students. For instance, educators can employ technology to develop quizzes and surveys online, aiding students in reinforcing their knowledge.

In conclusion, while there are potential benefits to integrating phones into education, I am also convinced that allowing the use of mobile devices comes with its own drawbacks.