Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

It can be understood that there are two conflicting opinions on the issue that government access to recorded calls and messages of citizens for safety purposes exist in parallel. A large number of people believe that the government should gain access to the mobile phones records while the opposite considers that it is private and needs to be approved by them. To a certain extent, this essay will analyze both viewpoints along with some personal opinion. It will do so by bringing out certain arguments and supporting them with relevant examples.

On the one hand, it can be said that the government should have access to individuals’ mobile phones for safety reasons in some urgent situations. For example, in the situations of kidnapping, if the authorities have the recordings, they might find the locations of the victims and help them escape at the right time.

On the other hand, the recording of calls or messages of individuals is private and includes a large amount of personal information, therefore, the government and any person who wants to access it have to be approved by the owners. For example, some information may have an effect on the personal life and even the safety if it has been leaked for the others such as the citizens ID or the password of a bank account.

To sum up, it can be said that the access to recordings of personal mobile phones is thought to be approved by the owners depending on different factors.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "It can be understood that there are two conflicting opinions on the issue that government access to recorded calls and messages of citizens for safety purposes exist in parallel." -> "It is evident that there are two opposing viewpoints regarding government access to recorded calls and messages of citizens for safety purposes."
   Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and somewhat convoluted. Simplifying and restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and formal tone.

2. "A large number of people believe that the government should gain access to the mobile phones records while the opposite considers that it is private and needs to be approved by them." -> "Many individuals advocate for government access to mobile phone records, while others argue that such access infringes on privacy rights and should require explicit approval from the owners."
   Explanation: Replacing "A large number of people believe" with "Many individuals advocate for" adds precision and formality. Also, "the opposite" is vague; specifying "others" clarifies the opposing viewpoint.

3. "To a certain extent, this essay will analyze both viewpoints along with some personal opinion." -> "This essay will examine both perspectives, supplemented by the author’s personal viewpoint, to a degree."
   Explanation: The phrase "to a certain extent" is somewhat vague and unnecessary. Using "supplemented by" instead of "along with" adds a more formal tone.

4. "On the one hand, it can be said that the government should have access to individuals’ mobile phones for safety reasons in some urgent situations." -> "One argument contends that government access to individuals’ mobile phones is warranted in urgent situations for safety purposes."
   Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality. Replacing "it can be said" with "One argument contends" provides a more assertive tone.

5. "For example, in the situations of kidnapping, if the authorities have the recordings, they might find the locations of the victims and help them escape at the right time." -> "For instance, in cases of kidnapping, access to such recordings could aid authorities in locating victims promptly and facilitating their rescue."
   Explanation: Replacing "situations" with "cases" adds specificity and formality. Also, using "aid" instead of "help" and "facilitating" instead of "helping" enhances the formal tone.

6. "On the other hand, the recording of calls or messages of individuals is private and includes a large amount of personal information, therefore, the government and any person who wants to access it have to be approved by the owners." -> "Conversely, the recording of individuals’ calls or messages contains sensitive personal information, necessitating approval from the owners for both government entities and other parties seeking access."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and contains a run-on structure. Separating the clauses and using "Conversely" for transition improves readability and formality.

7. "For example, some information may have an effect on the personal life and even the safety if it has been leaked for the others such as the citizens ID or the password of a bank account." -> "For instance, certain information, such as a citizen’s ID or bank account password, could significantly impact personal life and safety if leaked to unauthorized parties."
   Explanation: Replacing "may have an effect on" with "could significantly impact" adds precision and formality. Also, rephrasing "leaked for the others" to "leaked to unauthorized parties" improves clarity.

8. "To sum up, it can be said that the access to recordings of personal mobile phones is thought to be approved by the owners depending on different factors." -> "In conclusion, access to recordings of personal mobile phones is typically deemed acceptable with the explicit approval of the owners, contingent upon various factors."
   Explanation: Replacing "To sum up" with "In conclusion" provides a more formal transition. Also, using "typically deemed acceptable" instead of "thought to be approved" adds clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding government access to mobile phone call records and messages. It acknowledges that there are two conflicting opinions, discusses each viewpoint briefly, and offers a personal opinion. However, the analysis lacks depth and thorough exploration of the implications of each perspective.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, it is crucial to delve deeper into the implications of government access to mobile phone data for safety reasons versus privacy concerns. Provide more detailed examples and considerations for both viewpoints, illustrating a comprehensive understanding of the issue.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear stance on the issue, leaning towards the notion that access to mobile phone data should be approved by the owners. However, the position is not explicitly stated, and the essay seems to vacillate between the two viewpoints without firmly establishing a stance.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the essay should explicitly state the author’s position early on and maintain consistency throughout the essay. This can be achieved by clearly articulating whether the author supports government access for safety reasons or prioritizes individual privacy rights.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents basic arguments for both sides of the issue, but lacks depth and elaboration. Each viewpoint is briefly introduced with a single example, without further development or analysis. Moreover, the personal opinion is vaguely expressed without substantial support or elaboration.
  • How to improve: To enhance the essay, provide more detailed arguments and examples for each viewpoint, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the issue. Additionally, strengthen the personal opinion by providing compelling reasons and evidence to support it.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the conflicting opinions regarding government access to mobile phone data for safety reasons versus privacy concerns. However, it could improve by avoiding general statements and focusing more on the specific aspects of the topic, such as the implications of data access on civil liberties and security measures.
  • How to improve: To stay more closely on topic, ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt and contributes to the overall discussion of government access to mobile phone data. Avoid tangential remarks and maintain a clear focus on the key arguments presented.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and attempts to address both viewpoints, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of position, elaboration of ideas, and relevance to the topic. By providing more detailed arguments, maintaining a clear stance, and staying focused on the topic, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion summarizing the arguments presented. Each viewpoint is introduced in separate paragraphs, providing a coherent flow of ideas. However, the development of arguments within each viewpoint could be more extensive to enhance the depth of analysis.
  • How to improve: To further improve logical organization, consider expanding upon each viewpoint with additional supporting evidence and analysis. Develop each argument with more depth and clarity, ensuring a smooth transition between ideas to enhance coherence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a different aspect of the discussion. However, the length of paragraphs varies, and some paragraphs could be more effectively structured to enhance readability and coherence. For instance, the paragraph discussing the viewpoint opposing government access could be further divided to address specific concerns separately.
  • How to improve: Aim for consistent paragraph length and structure throughout the essay. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to improve clarity and organization. Each paragraph should address a single main idea or argument to maintain coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a basic range of cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "To sum up"), aiding in the organization of ideas and creating coherence between paragraphs. However, the essay lacks diversity in cohesive devices, relying primarily on transitional phrases without incorporating other cohesive elements such as pronoun references or parallel structures.
  • How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices to strengthen the coherence of the essay. Incorporate pronoun references to connect ideas within and between sentences, use parallel structures to emphasize comparisons, and employ conjunctions to demonstrate logical relationships between arguments. Varying cohesive devices will enhance the overall cohesion and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some variety in word choice. Examples include "conflicting opinions," "urgent situations," "personal information," and "leaked." However, there is room for improvement in showcasing a wider array of vocabulary to enhance the depth of expression and sophistication of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enrich the lexical resource, consider incorporating more precise and nuanced vocabulary throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "government," you could employ synonyms such as "authorities," "regulators," or "administration" where appropriate. Additionally, strive to include domain-specific terms related to privacy, security, and governance to bolster the depth of your arguments.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively, though there are instances where terminology could be more precise. For example, the phrase "some urgent situations" could benefit from specifying the nature of these emergencies to enhance clarity and precision. Likewise, "large amount of personal information" might be refined to specify the types of data involved.
  • How to improve: Aim for precision by specifying the types of urgent situations where government access to phone records may be warranted, such as terrorism investigations or national security threats. Similarly, provide clarity by elaborating on the specific kinds of personal information contained in mobile phone records, such as location data, contacts, or browsing history. This precision enhances the persuasiveness and coherence of your arguments.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors detracting from comprehension. However, there are a few minor spelling mistakes, such as "victims" instead of "victim’s" and "thought" instead of "ought," which slightly diminish the overall impression of precision and professionalism.
  • How to improve: Enhance spelling accuracy by paying closer attention to detail during the proofreading process. Utilize spell-check tools and allocate sufficient time for thorough revision to catch and correct any spelling errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing online resources to reinforce spelling proficiency and ensure flawless execution in future compositions.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort in employing various sentence structures, though there’s room for improvement in diversifying them further. Simple, compound, and complex structures are utilized, such as in "It can be understood that there are two conflicting opinions…" (complex), "A large number of people believe that…" (simple), and "On the one hand, it can be said that…" (compound). However, there is a tendency towards repetitive sentence beginnings ("On the one hand," "On the other hand"), which limits the essay’s stylistic range.
  • How to improve: To enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses, participial phrases, or appositives. Varying the sentence beginnings and lengths can also add dynamism to the essay. For instance, instead of consistently starting with phrases like "On the one hand," try introducing ideas with introductory adverbs or subordinate clauses.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation, with few notable errors. However, there are instances where minor grammatical inaccuracies detract from clarity and precision. For example, the phrase "government access to recorded calls and messages of citizens for safety purposes exist in parallel" should read "exists in parallel" for subject-verb agreement. Additionally, there are some awkward phrasings that could be revised for smoother readability, such as "For example, in the situations of kidnapping, if the authorities have the recordings, they might find the locations of the victims and help them escape at the right time." Consider rephrasing for clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: Continuously review and revise your writing to identify and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure coherence. Utilize grammar resources or seek feedback from peers to enhance accuracy and fluency in writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a reasonable variety of sentence structures, refining these aspects further could elevate the clarity, coherence, and overall impact of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is evident that there are two opposing viewpoints regarding government access to recorded calls and messages of citizens for safety purposes. Many individuals advocate for government access to mobile phone records, while others argue that such access infringes on privacy rights and should require explicit approval from the owners. This essay will examine both perspectives, supplemented by the author’s personal viewpoint, to a degree.

One argument contends that government access to individuals’ mobile phones is warranted in urgent situations for safety purposes. For instance, in cases of kidnapping, access to such recordings could aid authorities in locating victims promptly and facilitating their rescue.

Conversely, the recording of individuals’ calls or messages contains sensitive personal information, necessitating approval from the owners for both government entities and other parties seeking access. For instance, certain information, such as a citizen’s ID or bank account password, could significantly impact personal life and safety if leaked to unauthorized parties.

In conclusion, access to recordings of personal mobile phones is typically deemed acceptable with the explicit approval of the owners, contingent upon various factors.