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Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary era, it is claimed that there is a wide range of benefits when elderly people continue to work as long as they are able to do so. From my standpoint, I totally agree with the aforementioned statement due to advantages related to health and finance.
To embark with, it is beneficial for older citizens’ mental health while working whatever job they have satisfied all the essential requirements. The working environments allow them to get in touch with various people, creating more opportunities for conservations which are hard to find when at home or in the nursing home, therefore, leaving them no time for negative thoughts. For example, in Japan, policy makers always launch services responsible for assisting people in older generations with seeking for a suitable job, which is resulting from greater social mental health according to many researchers. Furthermore, there is less burden for medical services.
In contrast, self-sufficient financial status is also a noteworthy reason for the mentioned opinion. Undoubtedly, stable income enable aged citizens to cover all their basic needs without relying their offspring. more appropriate occupations are provided to older residents, lighter responsibility is put on younger generations since they do not have to pay tax for elderly-caring. Adding to that, governments may allocate more on necessary facilities rather than pay greater attention to services for elderly.
In conclusion, it is realistic when advocating that it is advantageous when promoting elderly-ralated jobs for a wide array of positive effects on health and money issues.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "From my standpoint" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: "From my standpoint" is somewhat informal. Replacing it with "From my perspective" maintains a formal tone and is a more suitable choice for academic writing.

  2. "To embark with" -> "To begin with"
    Explanation: "To embark with" is an uncommon and slightly awkward phrase. "To begin with" is a more standard and formal way to introduce a point in academic writing.

  3. "whatever job they have satisfied" -> "whatever job they are content with"
    Explanation: "whatever job they have satisfied" is grammatically incorrect. Replacing it with "whatever job they are content with" makes the sentence grammatically accurate and conveys the intended meaning more clearly.

  4. "conservations" -> "conversations"
    Explanation: "conservations" is a spelling error; the correct term is "conversations."

  5. "which is resulting from greater social mental health" -> "leading to improved social and mental well-being"
    Explanation: "which is resulting from greater social mental health" is unclear. Replacing it with "leading to improved social and mental well-being" provides a clearer and more precise expression of the idea.

  6. "Undoubtedly, stable income enable aged citizens" -> "Undoubtedly, a stable income enables elderly citizens"
    Explanation: "stable income enable aged citizens" is grammatically incorrect. Changing it to "a stable income enables elderly citizens" ensures grammatical accuracy and clarity.

  7. "more appropriate occupations are provided to older residents" -> "older residents have access to more suitable occupations"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward. The suggested alternative provides a smoother and more natural expression of the idea.

  8. "lighter responsibility is put on younger generations since they do not have to pay tax for elderly-caring" -> "less financial burden is placed on younger generations as they are not responsible for elder care taxes"
    Explanation: The original sentence is unclear. The suggested alternative provides a clearer and more specific statement about the reduced financial burden on younger generations.

  9. "Adding to that" -> "Additionally"
    Explanation: "Adding to that" is informal. Replacing it with "Additionally" maintains a formal tone in academic writing.

  10. "elderly-ralated" -> "elderly-related"
    Explanation: "elderly-ralated" contains a spelling error. The correct term is "elderly-related."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt: the benefits of older people continuing to work related to health and finance. However, the explanation could be more nuanced and detailed. It briefly mentions mental health and financial stability but lacks depth in exploring the complexities of these issues.
    • How to improve: To enhance this section, provide more specific examples and elaborate on how work impacts mental health and financial independence for the elderly. This could involve discussing various types of jobs suitable for older individuals and how they contribute to well-being.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating agreement with the idea that older people should continue to work. However, the position could be more explicitly stated in the introduction to enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: Make the stance more explicit in the introduction. For instance, mention directly whether you agree or disagree with the statement and briefly outline the main reasons, providing a roadmap for the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. For instance, the point about mental health is briefly mentioned but not explored in detail. The reference to Japan could be more specific and tied directly to the argument.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on each point by providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes. For the example of Japan, delve into specific policies or programs that support the employment of older individuals and how they contribute to mental health.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but has a slight deviation in the final paragraph by introducing the idea of "elderly-related jobs." This phrase is not clearly defined or connected to the previously discussed benefits of older people continuing to work.
    • How to improve: Ensure that all points made in the essay are directly related to the prompt. If introducing a new term or concept, provide clear definitions and connections to the main argument. In this case, specify what is meant by "elderly-related jobs" and how it ties back to the overall thesis.

Overall, to improve the score, focus on providing more detailed, specific, and well-supported explanations for each point, and ensure that the essay consistently adheres to the prompt without introducing unclear or tangential ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing health and financial benefits, and a concise conclusion. However, the connection between paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing mental health benefits to financial advantages is abrupt, affecting the overall coherence.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the progression of ideas. This will help create a smoother transition between the discussion of mental health benefits and financial advantages.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with a clear separation of ideas. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay. However, some paragraphs could be more developed, providing additional supporting details.

    • How to improve: Consider expanding on supporting points within each paragraph to provide a more thorough exploration of the topic. This will add depth to your argument and contribute to a more comprehensive and cohesive essay.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, to connect ideas within sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of cohesive devices. There is an overreliance on certain phrases, impacting the overall variety and sophistication.

    • How to improve: To enhance the use of cohesive devices, introduce a wider range of linking words and transitional phrases. This will not only improve the overall cohesion but also add a layer of sophistication to your writing. For instance, incorporate synonyms for commonly used cohesive phrases to diversify your language.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a generally logical organization and effective use of paragraphs, there is room for improvement in the smooth transition between ideas and the diversification of cohesive devices. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use a variety of words, but some repetition occurs, and the vocabulary lacks diversity. For instance, the repeated use of "older citizens" and "elderly" could be replaced with synonyms for a richer lexical range. Additionally, certain terms like "negative thoughts" and "basic needs" are somewhat general and could be more precisely expressed.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating more synonyms and exploring alternative expressions. Replace repetitive phrases with varied vocabulary. For instance, instead of consistently using "older citizens," try alternatives like "senior individuals" or "aging population." Aim for precision in language by avoiding generic terms and opting for more specific and nuanced vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys ideas clearly, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "more opportunities for conservations" might be more precisely expressed as "greater opportunities for meaningful conversations." Additionally, the term "negative thoughts" is quite broad and could benefit from more specific language to enhance precision.
    • How to improve: Focus on choosing words that accurately convey the intended meaning. In this context, replacing general terms with more specific ones will enhance precision. Instead of "negative thoughts," consider using terms like "loneliness" or "isolation" to provide a clearer picture of the concept. Aim for clarity and specificity in vocabulary choice to strengthen the overall impact of your arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling; however, there are a few instances where errors occur. For instance, "conservations" should be corrected to "conversations," and there is a missing word in the sentence "Undoubtedly, stable income enable aged citizens."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, thorough proofreading is crucial. Utilize spelling and grammar-check tools, and consider reading the essay aloud to catch any overlooked errors. Pay close attention to common words that might be prone to misspelling. Develop a systematic proofreading process to ensure the highest level of spelling accuracy in your essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. It incorporates complex sentences (e.g., "From my standpoint, I totally agree with the aforementioned statement due to advantages related to health and finance") and compound sentences (e.g., "The working environments allow them to get in touch with various people, creating more opportunities for conservations which are hard to find when at home or in the nursing home"). However, there is room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated structures, such as inversion or conditional sentences, to enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. For instance, try using inversions or conditional sentences to convey ideas more subtly. Additionally, vary the sentence length to create a more engaging and dynamic rhythm in your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates sound grammatical and punctuation accuracy. However, there are some minor errors and awkward phrasings that can be addressed. For instance, in the sentence "To embark with, it is beneficial for older citizens’ mental health while working whatever job they have satisfied all the essential requirements," there is a grammatical error in the phrase "whatever job they have satisfied all the essential requirements." It could be revised for clarity and accuracy. Additionally, there are a few instances where articles are missing or incorrectly used (e.g., "in the contemporary era").
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread your essays to catch grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. Pay close attention to the use of articles and ensure they are used correctly. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors. Additionally, try to simplify sentences if they become too convoluted to maintain clarity.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, but there is room for refinement in sentence structure variety and minor grammatical details.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, it is argued that there are various benefits when older people continue to work, provided they are capable of doing so. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement due to the advantages associated with health and finance.

To begin with, it is beneficial for the mental health of elderly citizens to work in any job that satisfies their essential requirements. Working environments allow them to engage with different people, creating more opportunities for conversations that are hard to come by when at home or in a nursing home. This, in turn, leaves them with less time for negative thoughts. For instance, in Japan, policymakers consistently launch services aimed at assisting older individuals in finding suitable employment, resulting in improved social and mental well-being, according to many researchers. Additionally, this approach reduces the burden on medical services.

On the other hand, achieving a self-sufficient financial status is also a significant reason supporting the aforementioned opinion. Undoubtedly, a stable income enables elderly citizens to cover all their basic needs without relying on their offspring. Furthermore, older residents have access to more suitable occupations, placing less financial burden on younger generations, as they are not responsible for elder care taxes. Additionally, governments may allocate more resources to necessary facilities rather than focusing extensively on services for the elderly.

In conclusion, advocating for the promotion of jobs related to the elderly is realistic, considering the wide array of positive effects on health and financial matters.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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