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Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary era, it is argued that there are various benefits when older people continue to work, provided they are capable of doing so. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement due to the advantages associated with health and finance.

To begin with, it is beneficial for the mental health of elderly citizens to work in any job that satisfies their essential requirements. Working environments allow them to engage with different people, creating more opportunities for conversations that are hard to come by when at home or in a nursing home. This, in turn, leaves them with less time for negative thoughts. For instance, in Japan, policymakers consistently launch services aimed at assisting older individuals in finding suitable employment, resulting in improved social and mental well-being, according to many researchers. Additionally, this approach reduces the burden on medical services.

On the other hand, achieving a self-sufficient financial status is also a significant reason supporting the aforementioned opinion. Undoubtedly, a stable income enables elderly citizens to cover all their basic needs without relying on their offspring. Furthermore, older residents have access to more suitable occupations, placing less financial burden on younger generations, as they are not responsible for elder care taxes. Additionally, governments may allocate more resources to necessary facilities rather than focusing extensively on services for the elderly.

In conclusion, advocating for the promotion of jobs related to the elderly is realistic, considering the wide array of positive effects on health and financial matters.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "From my perspective" -> "In my view"
    Explanation: The phrase "From my perspective" is a bit informal for academic writing. Replacing it with "In my view" maintains a similar meaning while adopting a more formal tone.

  2. "wholeheartedly agree" -> "strongly support"
    Explanation: "Wholeheartedly agree" is somewhat colloquial. Using "strongly support" conveys the same level of endorsement in a more formal manner.

  3. "essential requirements" -> "fundamental needs"
    Explanation: "Essential requirements" is a bit casual. Replacing it with "fundamental needs" maintains clarity and aligns better with academic formality.

  4. "hard to come by" -> "difficult to encounter"
    Explanation: "Hard to come by" is idiomatic and informal. Replacing it with "difficult to encounter" maintains the meaning in a more formal manner.

  5. "services aimed at assisting" -> "programs designed to support"
    Explanation: While "services aimed at assisting" is clear, using "programs designed to support" adds a touch of formality and precision to the expression.

  6. "according to many researchers" -> "as indicated by numerous studies"
    Explanation: "According to many researchers" is a common phrase but can be refined. Using "as indicated by numerous studies" lends a more formal and academic tone.

  7. "Undoubtedly" -> "Certainly"
    Explanation: "Undoubtedly" is a strong word, but "Certainly" is more formal. This change contributes to a more academic tone.

  8. "financial burden on younger generations" -> "economic responsibility for younger cohorts"
    Explanation: While "financial burden on younger generations" is clear, the alternative "economic responsibility for younger cohorts" offers a more sophisticated and formal expression.

  9. "focusing extensively" -> "allocating resources more extensively"
    Explanation: "Focusing extensively" is a bit informal. The alternative "allocating resources more extensively" maintains precision while adopting a more formal language style.

In conclusion, advocating for the promotion of jobs related to the elderly is realistic, considering the wide array of positive effects on health and financial matters.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear response to the prompt by presenting a well-structured argument on the benefits of older people continuing to work. It addresses both health and financial aspects. However, there is room for improvement in terms of depth and specificity in addressing each part of the question. The response could benefit from delving into more nuanced aspects of health and finance for a more comprehensive discussion.

    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing specific examples or scenarios related to the health and financial benefits. This will not only strengthen the argument but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the prompt. Ensure that each point made is directly linked to the prompt.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. It explicitly states the author’s agreement with the idea of older people continuing to work and supports this position with reasons related to health and finance.

    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider incorporating a thesis statement in the introduction that explicitly outlines the author’s stance. While the position is clear, a more explicit presentation in the introduction can improve overall coherence.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas logically and supports them with examples. However, there are instances where the points could be more thoroughly developed for a more compelling argument.

    • How to improve: To extend and support ideas, provide additional examples or evidence for each supporting point. This could involve citing specific studies or real-life cases to bolster the credibility of the argument. Ensure that each idea is fully explored before moving on to the next.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the advantages of older people continuing to work. However, there is a slight deviation towards the end when mentioning the promotion of jobs related to the elderly.

    • How to improve: To maintain focus, avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion that are not directly connected to the main argument. Instead, reiterate key points and reinforce the essay’s primary position on the benefits of older people working.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, refining the depth of analysis, explicitly stating the thesis in the introduction, providing more thorough development of ideas, and avoiding minor deviations can further elevate the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of logical organization. Each paragraph is well-structured, beginning with a clear topic sentence and followed by supporting details and examples. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the main idea and the subsequent paragraphs flow logically, each building upon the previous one. For instance, the first paragraph discusses the mental health benefits of elderly individuals working, followed by a transition to the financial advantages in the second paragraph.
    • How to improve: While the overall organization is strong, ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs could enhance the coherence. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader seamlessly from one point to the next.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to organize ideas, and each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction introduces the topic, and subsequent paragraphs delve into the mental health and financial benefits of older people working. Each paragraph maintains a clear focus, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing further, ensure that each paragraph has a strong topic sentence that clearly communicates the main point. This helps readers quickly grasp the central idea of each section.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain a smooth flow. Examples include the use of transitional phrases such as "To begin with," and "On the other hand." Additionally, pronouns like "this" effectively refer back to previously mentioned points, contributing to the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are used, expanding the variety could further improve cohesion. Consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases to establish stronger connections between ideas. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive essay.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, with well-organized paragraphs and effective use of cohesive devices. To further improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort in employing a diverse vocabulary. Phrases such as "contemporary era," "essential requirements," and "self-sufficient financial status" contribute to a nuanced expression of ideas. The mention of "negative thoughts" and "elder care taxes" also reflects a broad lexical range.
    • How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary usage, consider introducing more advanced and contextually appropriate synonyms. For example, instead of "undoubtedly," you might explore alternatives like "indisputably" or "unquestionably." This will not only elevate the lexical complexity but also showcase a deeper command of language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, vocabulary usage is precise, with terms like "self-sufficient financial status" and "elder care taxes" providing clarity and specificity. However, there are instances where certain phrases could be refined for greater precision. For instance, the term "basic needs" could be specified to include essentials such as housing, healthcare, and nutrition for a more comprehensive expression.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by specifying general terms with more concrete details. Instead of "basic needs," consider using phrases like "fundamental necessities" or explicitly listing examples like "housing, healthcare, and nutrition."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where attention to detail is needed. For example, "phycologists" should be corrected to "psychologists," and "serives" to "services."
    • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay systematically, paying particular attention to commonly misspelled words. Utilize tools such as spell-check software and consider seeking feedback from peers or educators to identify and rectify any overlooked errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary with only minor areas for improvement. Focusing on precision and thorough proofreading will contribute to a more polished and linguistically sophisticated essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. It employs complex sentences (e.g., "From my perspective, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement due to the advantages associated with health and finance") as well as compound-complex structures (e.g., "Working environments allow them to engage with different people, creating more opportunities for conversations that are hard to come by when at home or in a nursing home"). However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of sentence structures, especially the introduction of more compound and compound-complex sentences for added sophistication and coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound sentences and compound-complex sentences throughout the essay. This can be achieved by combining related ideas with appropriate conjunctions (e.g., and, but, although) and using subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity to your sentences.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable level of grammatical accuracy with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "creating more opportunities for conversations that are hard to come by when at home or in a nursing home" could be slightly refined for clarity. Additionally, there is a missing article in "considering the wide array of positive effects on health and financial matters." However, these errors do not significantly impede comprehension.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to articles and prepositions. In the mentioned phrase, consider revising it to "creating more opportunities for conversations that are hard to come by at home or in a nursing home." Additionally, proofread your work meticulously to catch any minor errors and refine sentence structures for greater precision.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, but refinement in sentence structures and attention to minor errors can elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In my view, supporting the idea of older people continuing to work, if they are able, is something I strongly endorse due to the benefits related to health and finances.

To start with, it is advantageous for the mental well-being of senior citizens to engage in work that fulfills their fundamental needs. Working environments provide them with opportunities to interact with different people, creating more chances for conversations that can be difficult to encounter at home or in a nursing facility. This, in turn, leaves them with less time for negative thoughts. For instance, in Japan, policymakers consistently launch programs designed to support older individuals in finding suitable employment, leading to enhanced social and mental well-being, as indicated by numerous studies. Additionally, this approach lessens the strain on medical services.

On the other hand, achieving a self-sufficient financial status is also a significant reason supporting the aforementioned opinion. Certainly, a stable income allows elderly citizens to meet all their basic needs without depending on their offspring. Moreover, older residents have access to more fitting occupations, placing a lesser financial burden on younger generations, as they are not responsible for elder care taxes. Furthermore, governments may consider allocating resources more extensively to necessary facilities rather than focusing extensively on services for the elderly.

In conclusion, advocating for the promotion of jobs related to the elderly is realistic, considering the wide array of positive effects on health and financial matters.

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