Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree?
It is asserted in the modern day that keeping older people employed for as long as they are able to has several advantages. Given the benefits to one's health and finances, I wholeheartedly concur with the statement above.
To begin with, working at a career for which an older citizen has completed all the criteria is good for their mental health. They have no time for negative thoughts because their working settings give them the chance to interact with a variety of individuals and provide more opportunity for conservations, which are difficult to obtain at home or in a nursing home. For instance, policymakers in Japan consistently establish services aimed at helping older generations find employment, which many experts attribute to improved social mental health. In addition, the cost of medical services is lower.
On the other hand, the aforementioned opinion is likewise important due to self-sufficient financial situation. Undoubtedly, having a steady income allows older adults to take care of all of their fundamental needs independently of their children. Older citizens are given more suitable jobs, while younger generations are given less responsibility because they are not taxed for providing care for the elderly. Furthermore, governments can spend more money on essential infrastructure rather than focusing more on senior citizen programs.
In summary, it is reasonable to argue that encouraging jobs related to aging is beneficial for a variety of reasons, including improved health and financial stability.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"keeping older people employed" -> "retaining older individuals in the workforce"
Explanation: Replacing "keeping older people employed" with "retaining older individuals in the workforce" introduces a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic language expectations.
"I wholeheartedly concur" -> "I firmly agree"
Explanation: Substituting "wholeheartedly concur" with "firmly agree" maintains the author’s agreement while using a more formal and concise expression.
"working at a career for which" -> "engaging in a profession for which"
Explanation: Changing "working at a career for which" to "engaging in a profession for which" elevates the formality of the sentence by opting for more sophisticated language without sacrificing clarity.
"mental health" -> "psychological well-being"
Explanation: Replacing "mental health" with "psychological well-being" enhances the precision of the statement and conforms to a more formal vocabulary choice.
"negative thoughts" -> "pessimistic thoughts"
Explanation: Substituting "negative thoughts" with "pessimistic thoughts" introduces a more precise and formal term, contributing to the academic tone of the essay.
"conservations" -> "interactions"
Explanation: Changing "conservations" to "interactions" is a more precise and formal choice, aligning with academic language expectations.
"at home or in a nursing home" -> "within a domestic setting or a nursing facility"
Explanation: Replacing "at home or in a nursing home" with "within a domestic setting or a nursing facility" offers a more formal and detailed description, maintaining the academic tone.
"policymakers in Japan consistently establish services" -> "policy architects in Japan consistently implement initiatives"
Explanation: Substituting "policymakers in Japan consistently establish services" with "policy architects in Japan consistently implement initiatives" employs a more formal and precise term, enhancing the academic style.
"attribute to improved social mental health" -> "attribute to enhanced social well-being"
Explanation: Changing "attribute to improved social mental health" to "attribute to enhanced social well-being" introduces a more refined expression, aligning with academic language standards.
"self-sufficient financial situation" -> "financial self-sufficiency"
Explanation: Replacing "self-sufficient financial situation" with "financial self-sufficiency" simplifies and refines the expression, maintaining a formal tone.
"fundamental needs independently of their children" -> "essential needs autonomously, irrespective of their offspring"
Explanation: Substituting "fundamental needs independently of their children" with "essential needs autonomously, irrespective of their offspring" offers a more elaborate and formal expression without sacrificing clarity.
"senior citizen programs" -> "programs for the elderly"
Explanation: Changing "senior citizen programs" to "programs for the elderly" provides a more conventional and formal term, aligning with academic language expectations.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does address the different aspects of the prompt but lacks depth in the discussion of the advantages of older people continuing to work. While it mentions improved mental health and financial stability, it could benefit from more nuanced exploration and examples. The response tends to be somewhat repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should consider providing more varied and detailed examples to support their points. Additionally, they could explore potential drawbacks or counterarguments to present a more well-rounded response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating agreement with the idea of older people continuing to work. However, the expression of this position could be made more robust by incorporating stronger and more varied language.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer can use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to articulate their stance more persuasively. This includes avoiding repetition and introducing more sophisticated language to express agreement.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in their development. For instance, it mentions the benefits of working for mental health and financial stability but provides limited explanation or evidence to support these claims.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should delve deeper into each point, providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes to substantiate their arguments. This would contribute to a more convincing and well-supported essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in the discussion of mental health and financial stability. It would benefit from exploring additional aspects related to older people in the workforce.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should strive for greater variety in their content, introducing new perspectives or considerations related to the topic. This would add depth to the essay and engage the reader more effectively.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and maintains a clear position, it would benefit from more depth in the exploration of ideas, greater variety in language use, and a more nuanced discussion of the advantages of older people continuing to work.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The introduction clearly presents the writer’s stance, and each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument (health benefits and financial stability). However, within paragraphs, there is a need for better flow. For instance, the transition between discussing mental health benefits to financial stability could be smoother. Additionally, the conclusion is concise but could benefit from a more explicit summary of the main points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transition words within and between paragraphs. Explicitly summarize key points in the conclusion, reinforcing the main arguments made in the body paragraphs.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, each centering on a distinct idea. However, some paragraphs could be more developed. For example, the paragraph discussing mental health benefits could provide more specific examples or elaborate on the impact. Additionally, the conclusion is quite brief and could be expanded to offer a more comprehensive summary.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph is well-developed, providing detailed examples and explanations. In the conclusion, expand on the main points made in the body paragraphs to create a more robust and conclusive ending.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices to some extent, such as transition words like "to begin with" and "on the other hand." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of these devices. Some paragraphs lack clear connections between sentences, affecting the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices to guide the reader through the essay smoothly. Employ a wider range of transition words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "however," to establish clearer relationships between ideas. Ensure consistency in the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in enhancing logical organization, developing paragraphs more fully, and employing a wider range of cohesive devices for a more seamless reading experience.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. It effectively employs a variety of words and expressions to convey ideas, particularly in discussing the benefits of keeping older people employed. There is an attempt to incorporate specific terms such as "social mental health" and "fundamental needs," contributing to a somewhat diverse vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider introducing more nuanced and contextually fitting terms. Utilize synonyms and explore different ways of expressing ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "older citizens," you could incorporate alternative phrases such as "senior individuals" or "elderly population" to add depth to your vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "conservations, which are difficult to obtain" could be refined to "conversations, which are challenging to engage in." Additionally, in the sentence "Undoubtedly, having a steady income allows older adults to take care of all of their fundamental needs independently of their children," the term "fundamental needs" is somewhat vague and could benefit from specifying essential requirements.
- How to improve: Focus on precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Pay attention to the specific context in which words are used. Consider alternatives for general terms to make your expression more exact. For instance, instead of "fundamental needs," you might specify "basic necessities" or "essential requirements" to provide a clearer understanding of the concept.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout. There are no glaring spelling errors that significantly impact the overall readability or comprehension.
- How to improve: Maintain the current standard of spelling accuracy by continuing to proofread your work carefully. Consider using spelling and grammar-check tools to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, be cautious of homophones and frequently confused words to ensure precision in your spelling.
Overall, while the essay displays a satisfactory command of vocabulary and spelling, improvements can be made by diversifying the range of terms used, ensuring precise vocabulary usage, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy. Remember to proofread diligently and consider alternative expressions to elevate the lexical richness of your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. The author utilizes complex sentences, such as "Given the benefits to one’s health and finances, I wholeheartedly concur with the statement above," to convey ideas effectively. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further. The essay tends to rely on similar sentence patterns, which may slightly limit its overall expressiveness.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a mix of sentence types, including compound and complex sentences. Introduce more variety in sentence beginnings, lengths, and structures. For example, experiment with using introductory phrases, clauses, or employing different types of conjunctions.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be refined for clarity. For instance, in the sentence "They have no time for negative thoughts because their working settings give them the chance to interact with a variety of individuals and provide more opportunity for conservations," the phrase "provide more opportunity for conservations" seems unclear and might benefit from rephrasing.
- How to improve: Focus on refining sentence structures for precision. Review the essay for any ambiguous phrases or instances where clarity could be improved. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure that each sentence conveys its intended meaning without confusion. In this specific case, consider revising the sentence for clarity, perhaps by specifying the nature of the opportunities for conversations in the workplace.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonably varied range of structures. To elevate the grammatical range, the author should experiment with different sentence structures. Additionally, refining sentence clarity can contribute to an even more effective communication of ideas.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is argued in contemporary times that keeping older individuals engaged in the workforce, as long as they are capable, holds numerous advantages. Given the positive impacts on both health and financial well-being, I firmly agree with the aforementioned statement.
To commence, participating in a profession for which an older individual is qualified proves beneficial for their psychological well-being. The bustling work environment leaves little room for pessimistic thoughts, fostering interactions with a diverse array of individuals. Such engagements are often challenging to replicate within a domestic setting or a nursing facility. As an illustration, policy architects in Japan consistently implement initiatives to assist older generations in securing employment, a practice widely acknowledged for contributing to enhanced social well-being. Additionally, the associated decrease in medical service costs further supports the argument.
On the other hand, advocating for older individuals to remain in the workforce is equally significant for ensuring financial self-sufficiency. Without a doubt, a steady income empowers older adults to meet their essential needs autonomously, irrespective of their offspring. Allocating more suitable jobs to older citizens reduces the burden on younger generations, sparing them from the responsibility of providing care. This, in turn, allows governments to allocate resources to essential infrastructure rather than predominantly focusing on programs tailored for the elderly.
In conclusion, it is justifiable to assert that promoting employment opportunities for older individuals is advantageous for various reasons, encompassing improved health and financial stability.