Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree.

As life expectancy increases, there has been a significant debate concerning the optimal age to retire. While some argue that strengthening this threshold will benefit older people, I believe they should not remain employed due to the possibility of a higher youth unemployment rate.
To begin with, proponents of integrating senior citizens into the workforce contend that it can foster enhanced financial autonomy. By remaining employed, older individuals can sustain themselves financially and reduce their reliance on pensions or family support. For instance, the U.S. Bureau of Labor discovered that 19% of Americans aged 65 and above are actively engaged in the workforce, primarily driven by their desire to accumulate personal savings and ensure a comfortable livelihood in their later years.
However, allowing senior citizens to continue working may lead to a rise in unemployment rates among the younger generation. By increasing the retirement age, older employees are occupying job positions for longer periods, resulting in fewer opportunities for the youth. For instance, the percentage of individuals aged 55 and above in the manufacturing sector in Vietnam has surged from 35 to 40 percent in the past decade. This surge is primarily due to older employees resisting retirement and government policies concerning retirement age, causing numerous young individuals to struggle to secure employment within the manufacturing field.
In summary, while enabling older individuals to stay in the workforce can provide them with enhanced financial stability, it can also create challenges for younger workers in terms of job availability. Hence, I advocate for stringent regulations by the government on the maximum age for employment.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"As life expectancy increases" -> "As life expectancy rises"
Explanation: "Rises" is a more precise and formal term than "increases" in this context, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"optimal age to retire" -> "optimal retirement age"
Explanation: "Retirement age" is a more specific and commonly used term in academic and professional contexts, making it more precise and appropriate.
"strengthening this threshold" -> "raising this threshold"
Explanation: "Raising" is more specific and commonly used in the context of increasing the retirement age, aligning better with formal language.
"older people" -> "older individuals"
Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal and precise term than "people," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.
"possibility of a higher youth unemployment rate" -> "risk of increased youth unemployment"
Explanation: "Risk" is a more formal and precise term than "possibility," and "increased" is more specific than "higher," which is somewhat vague.
"contend that it can foster" -> "argue that it fosters"
Explanation: "Argue" is more specific and academically appropriate than "contend," and "fosters" is a more formal verb form.
"older individuals can sustain themselves financially" -> "older individuals can maintain their financial independence"
Explanation: "Maintain their financial independence" is a more precise and formal way to describe the ability to sustain oneself financially.
"reduce their reliance on pensions or family support" -> "minimize their reliance on pensions or family support"
Explanation: "Minimize" is a more formal synonym for "reduce," enhancing the academic tone.
"the U.S. Bureau of Labor discovered" -> "the U.S. Bureau of Labor found"
Explanation: "Found" is the correct verb to use in this context, as it is more commonly associated with the discovery of facts or data.
"primarily driven by their desire to accumulate personal savings" -> "primarily motivated by the need to accumulate personal savings"
Explanation: "Motivated by the need" is a more formal and precise expression than "driven by their desire," which is somewhat informal.
"allowing senior citizens to continue working" -> "permitting senior citizens to continue working"
Explanation: "Permitting" is a more formal and precise term than "allowing," which is somewhat informal.
"older employees are occupying job positions for longer periods" -> "older employees occupy job positions for longer periods"
Explanation: Removing "are" simplifies the sentence structure, making it more direct and formal.
"resulting in fewer opportunities for the youth" -> "resulting in reduced opportunities for young people"
Explanation: "Reduced opportunities" is a more precise term than "fewer opportunities," and "young people" is a more formal term than "the youth."
"surge in unemployment rates" -> "increase in unemployment rates"
Explanation: "Increase" is a more neutral and formal term than "surge," which can imply a sudden and dramatic change.
"stringent regulations by the government on the maximum age for employment" -> "stringent government regulations regarding the maximum age for employment"
Explanation: "Government regulations" is more formal and precise than "regulations by the government," and "regarding" is more appropriate than "on" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear argument against older individuals continuing to work. The writer acknowledges the benefits of older people remaining in the workforce but ultimately argues that it can lead to higher youth unemployment. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated whether the writer agrees or disagrees with the idea of older people working, as the prompt asks for a clear stance.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, discussing both sides of the argument more thoroughly before concluding would provide a more balanced view and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that older individuals should not continue working due to potential negative impacts on youth employment. However, the clarity of this position could be improved. The introduction suggests a belief against older people working, but the body paragraphs present arguments that could be interpreted as neutral or even supportive of older workers.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that their position is consistently reinforced throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using clear language that emphasizes their stance, such as “I firmly believe” or “I strongly disagree,” and by linking back to this position in each paragraph.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas, such as financial autonomy for older workers and the impact on youth unemployment. However, while the ideas are supported with examples, they could be extended further. For instance, the mention of statistics from the U.S. Bureau of Labor and the situation in Vietnam provides context, but the writer could elaborate on these points to strengthen their argument.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should include more detailed examples and explanations. This could involve discussing the broader implications of youth unemployment or providing more statistics to illustrate the financial situation of older workers. Additionally, integrating counterarguments and refuting them would show a deeper engagement with the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of older individuals working. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, while the financial benefits for older workers are mentioned, they could detract from the main argument about youth unemployment if not directly tied back to the central thesis.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly supports their main argument. This can be achieved by regularly linking back to the thesis statement and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument against older individuals remaining in the workforce.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in clarity of position, depth of argumentation, and focus on the prompt would help elevate the score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are logically sequenced, with the first paragraph discussing the benefits of older individuals remaining in the workforce, followed by a counter-argument regarding the potential negative impact on youth unemployment. This logical progression aids the reader in understanding the writer’s perspective. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother, as the shift from benefits to drawbacks feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph to signal a shift in focus. Phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Additionally, reinforcing the connection between the two points with a brief summary sentence at the end of the first paragraph could strengthen the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, while each body paragraph deals with a specific point. However, the conclusion could be more robust in summarizing the key arguments presented, as it currently feels somewhat brief and does not fully encapsulate the discussion.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion not only reiterates the writer’s position but also briefly summarizes the main points made in the body paragraphs. This can help reinforce the argument and provide closure to the reader. Additionally, consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly outline the main idea being discussed.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "for instance," "however," and "while," which help to connect ideas and provide examples. These devices contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. Nonetheless, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded, as some sentences feel slightly repetitive in their structure.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "for instance," consider alternatives like "for example," "such as," or "to illustrate." Additionally, using contrasting conjunctions like "nevertheless" or "on the contrary" can enhance the complexity of the argument and improve the overall cohesion of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "financial autonomy," "reliance," "engaged," and "struggling" effectively conveying the writer’s arguments. The use of phrases like "optimal age to retire" and "enhanced financial stability" showcases an ability to articulate complex ideas. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied; for example, the repeated use of "older individuals" and "senior citizens" could be substituted with synonyms like "elderly" or "aged population" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and phrases. This can be achieved by brainstorming alternative expressions before writing and actively seeking to replace repetitive terms throughout the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, with phrases like "financial autonomy" and "youth unemployment rate" being used correctly in context. However, the phrase "strengthening this threshold" is somewhat vague and could lead to confusion regarding what "threshold" refers to—whether it is age or a policy. Additionally, the term "surged" in the context of employment statistics is strong but could be complemented with qualifiers to clarify the extent of the increase.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that all terms are clearly defined and contextually appropriate. For example, replacing "strengthening this threshold" with "raising the retirement age" would provide clarity. Furthermore, using more specific adjectives or adverbs can help convey the intended meaning more accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling throughout the essay is accurate, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "autonomy," "reliance," and "employment" are correctly spelled, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the essay. This level of spelling accuracy is essential for achieving a higher band score.
- How to improve: To maintain and further improve spelling accuracy, the writer should regularly practice spelling common IELTS vocabulary and utilize tools such as spell checkers or writing apps that highlight spelling errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch any overlooked mistakes.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a Band Score of 7. By focusing on expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving an even higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the use of clauses in sentences such as "By remaining employed, older individuals can sustain themselves financially and reduce their reliance on pensions or family support" showcases an effective combination of ideas. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "However, allowing senior citizens to continue working may lead to a rise in unemployment rates among the younger generation" could be restructured for more impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases, such as "In contrast," or "Conversely," to signal shifts in argument. Additionally, using more passive constructions or different conjunctions could add complexity. For example, instead of starting with "However," you might say, "Despite the benefits, allowing senior citizens to continue working may inadvertently lead to…"
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are minor issues with punctuation, such as the lack of a comma before "and" in compound sentences. For example, in the sentence "By remaining employed, older individuals can sustain themselves financially and reduce their reliance on pensions or family support," a comma could enhance clarity. Additionally, the phrase "the U.S. Bureau of Labor discovered that 19% of Americans aged 65 and above are actively engaged in the workforce" could benefit from a more precise verb tense to indicate the ongoing nature of the statistic.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to the use of commas in complex sentences, especially before conjunctions in compound sentences. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on punctuation rules can also help. Furthermore, reviewing verb tenses to ensure they accurately reflect the timing of actions or states can enhance clarity. For instance, consider revising "the U.S. Bureau of Labor discovered" to "the U.S. Bureau of Labor reports" to indicate that the information is current.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

As life expectancy rises, there has been a significant debate concerning the optimal retirement age. While some argue that raising this threshold will benefit older individuals, I believe they should not remain employed due to the potential risk of increased youth unemployment.

To begin with, proponents of permitting senior citizens to continue working contend that it fosters enhanced financial autonomy. By remaining employed, older individuals can maintain their financial independence and minimize their reliance on pensions or family support. For instance, the U.S. Bureau of Labor found that 19% of Americans aged 65 and above are actively engaged in the workforce, primarily motivated by the need to accumulate personal savings and ensure a comfortable livelihood in their later years.

However, allowing senior citizens to continue working may lead to an increase in unemployment rates among the younger generation. By raising the retirement age, older employees occupy job positions for longer periods, resulting in reduced opportunities for young people. For example, the percentage of individuals aged 55 and above in the manufacturing sector in Vietnam has surged from 35 to 40 percent in the past decade. This increase is primarily due to older employees resisting retirement and government policies regarding the retirement age, causing numerous young individuals to struggle to secure employment within the manufacturing field.

In summary, while enabling older individuals to stay in the workforce can provide them with enhanced financial stability, it can also create challenges for younger workers in terms of job availability. Hence, I advocate for stringent government regulations concerning the maximum age for employment.