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Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is sometimes argued that people should rather accept a unfavorable circumstance than make concerted effort to change it whereas there are some who insist on the opposite. The essay will shed the light on both of these ideas and reveals which side I am convinced of.
On the one hand, those who advocate the view of destiny acceptance believe that there is always immense risks hidden in every attempt to escape the adversity. Take, a worker taking a run-of-the-mill job, for an example. Changing the current occupation seems to be very likely to compromise their financial source every month. This is because it is not easy to find a new job in just a couple of months after he quits the previous one. There is possibility that he would face the unemployment scenario, which is widely supposed to be much more frustrating than accepting to continue unwillingly the current job. A similarity can be seen in the case of lacking money. The attempt to invest in a new area with the hope of making a huge sum of interest without a deep understanding of the field would probably leads to the bankruptcy and unreturnable debt.
On the other hand, in my opinion, it is life wasting if people are not willing to take risks and change. While it undoubtedly holds insecurities in every new decision, it makes life full of flavors and experiencing. In terms of job, despite the risk of losing all and being unemployed for a period of time, the exhausted worker can gain motivation and a fresh mindset if he bravely leaves the job that he no longer see any reasons to move forwards. Moreover, maintaining a profession without being productive brings both the worker himself and the company he is working for undesirable outcomes, such as high depression and low-rating feedbacks, respectively. Similarly, waiting until the fruitful chance to make money without willing to give it a try will never bring empirical lessons which leads to the prospective success.
In conclusion, while it can be true that accepting the difficulty would be safe, I am of the opinion that changing the situations makes people live their life to the fullest and most meaningfulness.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is sometimes argued that people should rather accept a unfavorable circumstance" -> "It is sometimes argued that individuals should accept an unfavorable circumstance"
    Explanation: Replacing "people" with "individuals" adds formality and precision. Additionally, changing "rather" to "should" improves clarity and aligns with academic style.

  2. "make concerted effort" -> "make a concerted effort"
    Explanation: Adding the article "a" before "concerted effort" corrects the grammar and enhances the formal structure of the sentence.

  3. "whereas there are some who insist on the opposite." -> "while others insist otherwise."
    Explanation: The suggested revision provides a more concise and academically appropriate expression, avoiding unnecessary repetition of the word "opposite."

  4. "reveals which side I am convinced of." -> "reveals my conviction."
    Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to "reveals my conviction" maintains the formality of the sentence while eliminating unnecessary wording.

  5. "those who advocate the view of destiny acceptance" -> "those who advocate accepting one’s destiny"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative streamlines the expression by replacing "the view of destiny acceptance" with "accepting one’s destiny."

  6. "Take, a worker taking a run-of-the-mill job, for an example." -> "Consider a worker opting for a run-of-the-mill job, for example."
    Explanation: The revised sentence introduces the example more smoothly and uses more formal language, replacing "Take" with "Consider."

  7. "seems to be very likely" -> "is likely"
    Explanation: Simplifying "seems to be very likely" to "is likely" maintains clarity and removes unnecessary wording.

  8. "compromise their financial source every month." -> "compromise their financial stability monthly."
    Explanation: Replacing "financial source" with "financial stability" and changing "every month" to "monthly" improves precision and formality.

  9. "This is because it is not easy to find a new job in just a couple of months after he quits the previous one." -> "This is due to the challenge of securing a new job within a couple of months after resigning."
    Explanation: The suggested revision enhances clarity and formality by rephrasing and providing a more specific explanation for the difficulty in finding a new job.

  10. "widely supposed to be much more frustrating than accepting to continue unwillingly the current job." -> "widely perceived as more frustrating than reluctantly continuing in the current job."
    Explanation: The alternative expression replaces informal language with more formal terms, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  11. "A similarity can be seen in the case of lacking money." -> "A parallel can be drawn in the situation of financial scarcity."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative replaces "similarity" with "parallel" for more formal and precise language.

  12. "leads to the bankruptcy and unreturnable debt." -> "leads to bankruptcy and irreparable debt."
    Explanation: The revised phrase uses more formal terms, maintaining the academic tone of the essay.

  13. "it is life wasting" -> "it is a waste of life"
    Explanation: The suggested change improves the phrasing and formality by using "a waste of life" instead of "life wasting."

  14. "it undoubtedly holds insecurities in every new decision" -> "it undoubtedly entails uncertainties with every new decision"
    Explanation: Replacing "holds insecurities" with "entails uncertainties" adds formality and precision to the expression.

  15. "experiencing" -> "experiences"
    Explanation: Using the noun form "experiences" is more appropriate in this context, enhancing the academic style of the sentence.

  16. "Despite the risk of losing all and being unemployed for a period of time," -> "Despite the risk of complete loss and temporary unemployment,"
    Explanation: The suggested revision replaces informal language with more formal expressions, improving the overall tone.

  17. "the exhausted worker can gain motivation and a fresh mindset if he bravely leaves the job that he no longer see any reasons to move forwards." -> "the exhausted worker can gain motivation and a fresh mindset by courageously resigning from a job where he no longer sees any reasons to progress."
    Explanation: The alternative expression provides a more formal and clear representation of the idea, avoiding the use of contractions and improving the overall tone.

  18. "undesirable outcomes, such as high depression and low-rating feedbacks, respectively." -> "undesirable outcomes, including severe depression and low ratings, respectively."
    Explanation: The revised phrase uses more formal terms, specifying the undesirable outcomes and maintaining the academic tone of the essay.

  19. "waiting until the fruitful chance to make money without willing to give it a try" -> "waiting for a lucrative opportunity without being willing to seize it"
    Explanation: The suggested revision replaces informal language with more formal terms, enhancing the academic style of the sentence.

  20. "which leads to the prospective success." -> "which contributes to prospective success."
    Explanation: The alternative expression uses a more formal term ("contributes") and improves the overall flow of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views as required, presenting arguments for accepting unfavorable circumstances and opposing views advocating change. Relevant examples, such as the risk of unemployment or financial instability, are provided to support the points.
    • How to improve: While the essay discusses both perspectives, a more balanced presentation could enhance the overall response. Consider allocating equal space to each viewpoint and providing more specific examples for the side advocating change.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position, expressing a belief in favor of taking risks and making changes. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing consistency.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, consider explicitly stating your position in the introduction and revisiting it in the conclusion. This will reinforce the coherence of your argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, exemplifying them with scenarios like job dissatisfaction and financial risks. However, some ideas lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration.
    • How to improve: Provide more nuanced explanations and examples, delving deeper into the consequences of both accepting and changing unfavorable situations. This will enhance the depth and richness of your argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, discussing the two views presented in the prompt. However, there are instances where the connection to the topic could be more explicit, and some ideas lack direct relevance.
    • How to improve: Ensure that every point directly relates to the prompt, avoiding tangential discussions. Clearly link each example and argument back to the theme of accepting or changing unfavorable situations for a more focused response.

Overall Comments:

The essay demonstrates a satisfactory understanding of the prompt, presenting both perspectives and maintaining a consistent position. To improve, strive for a more balanced treatment of each viewpoint, provide deeper elaboration on ideas, explicitly state your position in the introduction and conclusion, and ensure a tighter connection between examples and the essay’s central theme. These adjustments will contribute to a more comprehensive and focused response, potentially elevating the band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that introduces both perspectives. The body paragraphs explore each viewpoint separately, providing examples and reasoning. The conclusion neatly summarizes the author’s stance. However, the transition between some ideas and paragraphs is abrupt, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide readers smoothly from one point to the next. For instance, when shifting from the worker’s dilemma to the author’s opinion, a transitional phrase can help bridge the gap, making the progression more seamless.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and clarity, particularly in the second body paragraph where the discussion on job-related risks appears somewhat convoluted.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. The second body paragraph could be improved by breaking down the discussion of job-related risks into smaller, more coherent segments. Additionally, consider providing more examples or elaboration to enhance clarity and depth in each paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices adequately, such as transition words and phrases ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "similarly"). However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be improved. Some transitions lack precision, and the overuse of certain words, like "risk," can lead to redundancy.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider array of cohesive devices to add variety and sophistication to your writing. Experiment with synonyms for frequently used words to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly using "risk," consider alternatives like "uncertainty" or "challenges" where appropriate. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of transitions to ensure they seamlessly connect ideas and improve overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining transitional elements and providing more clarity within paragraphs will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. While it includes some varied expressions (e.g., "run-of-the-mill job," "unreturnable debt," "prospective success"), there is room for improvement. The use of certain phrases, like "life wasting," could be considered somewhat colloquial and might be substituted for more sophisticated alternatives.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating more nuanced terms and expressions. For instance, instead of "life wasting," one could use "suboptimal utilization of one’s existence." Utilize synonyms and explore different ways to convey ideas to elevate the richness of vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs vocabulary with precision, as seen in phrases like "compromise their financial source" and "bravely leaves the job." However, there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "lacking money" might be refined to "financial constraints" for greater precision.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, pay careful attention to word selection. Avoid general terms when more specific ones are available. In this case, replacing "lacking money" with "financial constraints" or a similar term would provide a more precise description of the situation.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors are present, such as "meaningfulness" instead of "meaningfulness" and "insecurity" instead of "insecurities."
    • How to improve: Proofreading plays a crucial role in maintaining correct spelling. Review the essay carefully to identify and rectify spelling errors. Additionally, consider utilizing spell-check tools or seeking feedback from others to ensure a higher level of accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in Lexical Resource, refining vocabulary choices for precision and accuracy, along with expanding the range, will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use varied sentence structures to convey ideas. However, there is a tendency to rely on simpler structures, and the variety could be enhanced by incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound and complex sentences, to add depth and sophistication to the writing.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating a more diverse range of sentence structures. For instance, experiment with using compound and complex sentences to express ideas more elaborately. This could involve combining related ideas into a single sentence or using subordinate clauses to provide additional information. This will contribute to a more nuanced and polished writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays a good command of grammar, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances of grammatical inaccuracies, such as in the phrase "a unfavorable circumstance," where the indefinite article should be "an" before a word starting with a vowel sound. Additionally, there are some awkward sentence constructions, such as "reveals which side I am convinced of," which could be more smoothly phrased.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to grammar rules, particularly with articles and prepositions. In this case, using "an unfavorable circumstance" would be grammatically correct. Additionally, refine sentence structures for smoother readability. For instance, rephrase the mentioned sentence to something like "and reveals my stance on the matter." Proofread carefully to catch such grammatical nuances and ensure clarity in expression.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent level of grammatical range and accuracy. To enhance the score further, focus on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical details for a more sophisticated and polished writing style.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is sometimes argued that individuals should accept an unfavorable circumstance rather than make a concerted effort to change it, while others insist otherwise. This essay will shed light on both of these ideas and reveal my conviction.

On one hand, those who advocate the view of accepting destiny believe that there are always immense risks hidden in every attempt to escape adversity. Consider a worker opting for a run-of-the-mill job, for example. Changing the current occupation is likely to compromise their financial stability monthly. This is due to the challenge of securing a new job within a couple of months after resigning, and there is a possibility that they would face unemployment, widely perceived as more frustrating than reluctantly continuing in the current job. A parallel can be drawn in the situation of financial scarcity. The attempt to invest in a new area with the hope of making a huge sum of interest without a deep understanding of the field leads to bankruptcy and irreparable debt.

On the other hand, in my opinion, it is a waste of life if people are not willing to take risks and change. While it undoubtedly entails uncertainties with every new decision, it makes life full of flavors and experiences. Despite the risk of complete loss and temporary unemployment, the exhausted worker can gain motivation and a fresh mindset by courageously resigning from a job where he no longer sees any reasons to progress. Moreover, maintaining a profession without being productive brings undesirable outcomes, including severe depression and low ratings, respectively. Similarly, waiting for a lucrative opportunity without being willing to seize it contributes to prospective success.

In conclusion, while it can be true that accepting difficulty would be safe, I am of the opinion that changing situations makes people live their life to the fullest and most meaningfulness.

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