Some people believe that mobile phone conservators should be banned in crowded and social places. Other disagree. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion.

Whether or not banning mobile phones use in social places is a controversial issue. Some people believe that mobile phone conversation should be banned in crowded and social places, while others are against this opinion. This essay will examine both sides of the argument those who advocate and against of banning the conversation through mobile phones in this setting before giving a balance viewpoint and my own perspective of this issue.
Proponents of mobile phones being banned in public or working places think that answering the phones may interfere the surrounding people. For example, public places such as restaurants, libraries, on the bus will need the peace and concentration, so the noisy conversation will disrupt their focus on doing things. Furthermore, accidents may happen because of the distraction caused by mobile phone use. This could lead to devastating consequences such as road accidents.
On the other hand, opponents of this issue also have compelling reasons. Mobile phones are not only an item for people to communicate with each other, it is also an indispensable device for social interaction and work purposes. This device allow us to quickly respond, coordination of tasks and efficient operations, so limiting the use of mobile phones will hinder productivity and workflow efficiency. Moreover, mobile phones are important for quick emergency responses. It allows us to summon help.
In conclusion, in my opinion, the latter view is more reasonable as mobile phone is the need for connectivity and emergency communication is undeniable.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"mobile phones use" -> "the use of mobile phones"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "use of mobile phones" clarifies the noun phrase and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.
"social places" -> "public spaces"
Explanation: "Public spaces" is a more precise and formal term than "social places," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"mobile phone conversation" -> "mobile phone use"
Explanation: "Mobile phone use" is a more accurate and commonly accepted term in academic contexts than "mobile phone conversation," which is less specific.
"those who advocate and against of banning" -> "those who advocate for and against banning"
Explanation: Adding "for" corrects the grammatical error and improves the flow of the sentence.
"balance viewpoint" -> "balanced viewpoint"
Explanation: "Balanced viewpoint" is grammatically correct and more formal than "balance viewpoint."
"interfere the surrounding people" -> "interfere with the surrounding people"
Explanation: Adding "with" corrects the prepositional error, making the phrase grammatically correct and clearer.
"noisy conversation" -> "loud conversations"
Explanation: "Loud conversations" is a more precise term than "noisy conversation," which is somewhat informal and imprecise.
"on the bus" -> "on buses"
Explanation: "On buses" is more general and appropriate for the context, as it refers to public transportation in general rather than a specific bus.
"accidents may happen because of the distraction caused by mobile phone use" -> "accidents may occur due to the distraction caused by mobile phone use"
Explanation: "Occur" is more formal than "happen," and "due to" is more precise than "because of" in academic writing.
"This could lead to devastating consequences such as road accidents" -> "This could lead to severe consequences, including road accidents"
Explanation: "Severe consequences" is more formal than "devastating consequences," and "including" is more precise than "such as" in listing examples.
"Mobile phones are not only an item for people to communicate with each other, it is also an indispensable device" -> "Mobile phones are not only a tool for communication among individuals but also an indispensable device"
Explanation: "A tool for communication among individuals" is more precise and formal than "an item for people to communicate with each other."
"This device allow us to quickly respond, coordination of tasks and efficient operations" -> "This device enables us to quickly respond, coordinate tasks, and optimize operations"
Explanation: "Enables" is more formal than "allow," and "coordinate" and "optimize" are more precise and academically appropriate than "coordination of tasks and efficient operations."
"limiting the use of mobile phones will hinder productivity and workflow efficiency" -> "limiting the use of mobile phones may hinder productivity and workflow efficiency"
Explanation: Adding "may" introduces a conditional tone, which is more appropriate in academic writing to indicate possibility rather than certainty.
"mobile phone is the need for connectivity and emergency communication is undeniable" -> "mobile phones are essential for connectivity and emergency communication"
Explanation: "Are essential" is grammatically correct and more formal than "is the need," and "emergency communication" is a clearer and more specific phrase than "emergency communication is undeniable."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both viewpoints regarding the banning of mobile phone conversations in crowded and social places. However, it lacks depth in discussing the arguments. For instance, the points made about the disruption caused by mobile phone conversations and the importance of mobile phones for communication are mentioned but not thoroughly explored. The essay also fails to clearly articulate the nuances of the arguments, which could provide a more balanced discussion.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should delve deeper into each viewpoint. This could involve providing more examples and elaborating on the implications of each argument. Additionally, ensuring that both sides are presented with equal weight and detail will enhance the overall discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does state a personal opinion in the conclusion, favoring the use of mobile phones. However, the position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The introduction mentions a "balanced viewpoint," which can create ambiguity about the writer’s stance. This lack of clarity can confuse readers about the writer’s true position on the issue.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and refer back to it throughout the essay. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help reinforce the writer’s stance. Additionally, integrating the personal opinion into the body paragraphs can create a more cohesive argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the disruption caused by mobile phone conversations and their importance for emergency communication. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the mention of "devastating consequences such as road accidents" lacks a concrete example or data to substantiate the claim. Similarly, the benefits of mobile phones are stated but not elaborated upon.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate their points. This could involve discussing real-life scenarios where mobile phone use was crucial or where its absence led to issues. Extending ideas by explaining their significance or implications will also strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of mobile phone use in social settings. However, some sentences are slightly off-topic or lack relevance. For instance, the phrase "accidents may happen because of the distraction caused by mobile phone use" could be more directly tied to the context of crowded social places rather than general distractions.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central question of mobile phone use in crowded and social places. Before writing each paragraph, it may be helpful to outline how each point contributes to the overall argument. This will help keep the discussion relevant and coherent.

In summary, to improve the essay and achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on deepening the analysis of both viewpoints, maintaining a clear and consistent position, providing more detailed support for their ideas, and ensuring that all content remains directly relevant to the topic. Additionally, addressing the word count issue by expanding on the arguments will also be beneficial.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure by introducing the topic, discussing both viewpoints, and concluding with the author’s opinion. However, the organization could be improved. For instance, the transition between the introduction and the body paragraphs is somewhat abrupt. The phrase "before giving a balance viewpoint and my own perspective of this issue" could be more clearly articulated to indicate how the essay will flow. Additionally, the arguments for each side are presented, but they could be better linked to the overall thesis.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis statement. For example, in the body paragraphs, explicitly state how each point supports or counters the central argument. Using transitional phrases such as "Firstly," "In contrast," and "Ultimately," can help guide the reader through the argumentation more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their focus. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the reasons for banning mobile phones but could benefit from a clearer separation of ideas. The second body paragraph introduces multiple points but lacks a cohesive structure, making it harder for the reader to follow.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. For the first body paragraph, consider starting with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main argument for banning mobile phones. In the second body paragraph, ensure that each point is clearly delineated, possibly by using bullet points or numbering for clarity, or by using linking words to connect the ideas more effectively.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand," and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the transition from discussing the negative impacts of mobile phone use to the benefits is not as smooth as it could be, which may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "In addition to," "Conversely," and "As a result," to create a more nuanced and fluid connection between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device used is appropriate for the context, as this will enhance the overall clarity of the argument.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication. Phrases like "mobile phone conversation," "public places," and "distraction caused by mobile phone use" are repeated, which can lead to redundancy. The use of terms such as "proponents" and "opponents" is appropriate, but the overall vocabulary does not showcase a wide range of expressions or synonyms that could enhance the argument.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate a broader array of vocabulary related to the topic. For instance, instead of repeating "mobile phone," alternatives like "cellular devices," "smartphones," or "communication tools" could be used. Additionally, using synonyms for "ban" such as "prohibit" or "restrict" could add depth to the discussion.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage in the essay. For example, the phrase "banning mobile phones use" should be "banning the use of mobile phones." The phrase "the latter view is more reasonable" is vague and could be more specific about which view is being referred to. Additionally, the term "balance viewpoint" is awkwardly phrased and should be "balanced viewpoint."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and clearly convey the intended meaning. For example, revising "the conversation through mobile phones" to "conversations conducted via mobile phones" would clarify the expression. Furthermore, using more specific terms when discussing the arguments can help convey a clearer message.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling and grammatical errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, "mobile phone conservators" should be "mobile phone conversations," and "allow us to quickly respond, coordination of tasks and efficient operations" should be revised for grammatical correctness. The phrase "balance viewpoint" is also incorrect and should be "balanced viewpoint."
- How to improve: To improve spelling and grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully or use spelling and grammar checking tools. It is also beneficial to familiarize oneself with common spelling rules and practice writing to reinforce correct spelling habits. Regular reading can also help in recognizing correct spelling and grammar usage in context.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents both sides of the argument, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will significantly improve the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence employs a complex structure: "Whether or not banning mobile phones use in social places is a controversial issue." However, the essay predominantly relies on simpler structures, which limits the overall range. Phrases such as "this essay will examine both sides of the argument" and "this device allow us to quickly respond" indicate a tendency to use straightforward constructions, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied clause structures. For example, instead of saying "Mobile phones are not only an item for people to communicate with each other," the writer could use a more complex structure: "Not only do mobile phones serve as a means of communication, but they also play a crucial role in facilitating social interactions and professional tasks." Additionally, using subordinate clauses and different conjunctions can help create more sophisticated sentence constructions.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "banning mobile phones use" should be corrected to "banning the use of mobile phones." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "this device allow us" where "allow" should be "allows." Punctuation errors include the lack of commas in complex sentences, such as in "this essay will examine both sides of the argument those who advocate and against of banning the conversation through mobile phones," which should be restructured for clarity and proper punctuation.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these rules. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors is essential; using commas to separate clauses and lists can enhance readability. The writer might also benefit from studying complex sentence structures and practicing their use in writing to avoid run-on sentences and improve overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and addresses the prompt, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the writing quality. Regular practice and careful proofreading are recommended strategies for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

Whether or not banning mobile phone use in social places is a controversial issue. Some people believe that mobile phone conversations should be banned in crowded and social areas, while others disagree with this opinion. This essay will examine both sides of the argument, focusing on those who advocate for and against banning mobile phone use in these settings before presenting a balanced viewpoint and my own perspective on this issue.

Proponents of banning mobile phones in public or working environments argue that their use may interfere with the surrounding people. For example, public places such as restaurants, libraries, and buses require peace and concentration, so loud conversations can disrupt individuals’ focus on their activities. Furthermore, accidents may occur due to the distraction caused by mobile phone use. This could lead to severe consequences, including road accidents.

On the other hand, opponents of this issue also present compelling reasons. Mobile phones are not only a tool for communication among individuals, but they are also an indispensable device for social interaction and work purposes. This device enables us to quickly respond, coordinate tasks, and optimize operations, so limiting mobile phone use may hinder productivity and workflow efficiency. Moreover, mobile phones are essential for connectivity and emergency communication, allowing us to summon help when needed.

In conclusion, in my opinion, the latter view is more reasonable, as the necessity for connectivity and emergency communication through mobile phones is undeniable.