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Some people believe that money is the most important factor contributing to quality of life. To what extent do you agree/disagree?en to solve it?

Some people believe that money is the most important factor contributing to quality of life. To what extent do you agree/disagree?en to solve it?

Quality of life is a complex and multifaceted concept that encompasses various dimensions, such as relationships and personal fulfilment. While some argue that money is the paramount factor contributing to quality of life, this viewpoint oversimplifies a nuanced and intricate phenomenon. This essay will explore the extent to which money influences quality of life and argue that other factors play equally significant roles.

Undoubtedly, financial stability is crucial for meeting basic needs, accessing education, and healthcare, and ensuring a certain level of comfort. However, the exclusive focus on monetary considerations neglects the importance of mental and emotional well-being. It is of note that factors like social connections, a sense of purpose, and overall life satisfaction contribute significantly to an individual's quality of life. This is because while money can provide comfort, it does not guarantee fulfilling social connections and relationships. Emotional well-being and a sense of community are often derived from personal relationships, which transcend monetary considerations.

Moreover, personal fulfilment is another factor that also contributes to the overall quality of life. To clarify, pursuing passions, hobbies, and personal growth may not necessarily require significant financial resources but still bring about a sense of happiness. For instance, those who enjoy gardening only need to invest a small amount of money to buy equipment and potted plants. Therefore, non-materialistic aspects of life contribute substantially to one's sense of purpose and happiness.

Furthermore, cultural and individual differences play a pivotal role in shaping perceptions of a fulfilling life. Some may prioritize experiences, personal growth, or altruism over financial accumulation. These diverse perspectives highlight the subjective nature of quality of life, challenging the idea that a singular focus on money universally defines it.

In conclusion, while financial stability is undeniably a crucial component of quality of life, its significance should not overshadow the multifaceted nature of this concept. A holistic approach that considers mental, emotional, and social well-being, alongside economic factors, provides a more comprehensive understanding of what contributes to a fulfilling and meaningful life.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "paramount factor" -> "paramount aspect"
    Explanation: Replacing "factor" with "aspect" enhances precision and formality, as "aspect" is a more nuanced term suitable for academic writing.

  2. "oversimplifies a nuanced and intricate phenomenon" -> "simplifies a complex and intricate phenomenon"
    Explanation: The original phrase contains redundant elements, and simplifying a nuanced phenomenon is more accurate than oversimplifying. The revised wording maintains complexity while improving conciseness.

  3. "this viewpoint oversimplifies" -> "this perspective oversimplifies"
    Explanation: Using "perspective" instead of "viewpoint" aligns with a more formal and academic tone. It is a subtle change that enhances the sophistication of the language.

  4. "It is of note" -> "It is noteworthy"
    Explanation: "It is of note" is less formal compared to "It is noteworthy," which is a commonly used phrase in academic writing to highlight important information.

  5. "While money can provide comfort" -> "Although money can afford comfort"
    Explanation: "Although" is a more formal alternative to "While," and "afford" is a slightly more sophisticated term than "provide" in this context.

  6. "personal relationships, which transcend monetary considerations" -> "personal relationships, surpassing monetary considerations"
    Explanation: "Transcend" is replaced with "surpassing" for a more precise and formal expression of personal relationships going beyond monetary concerns.

  7. "For instance" -> "For example"
    Explanation: "For example" is a standard and more formal phrase in academic writing, providing clarity and maintaining a professional tone.

  8. "those who enjoy gardening only need to invest a small amount of money" -> "enthusiasts of gardening require only a modest financial investment"
    Explanation: "Those who enjoy" is replaced with "enthusiasts of," and "only need to" is replaced with "require," contributing to a more formal and concise style.

  9. "personal growth, or altruism" -> "personal growth, altruism, or"
    Explanation: Adding "or" after "altruism" creates parallelism and improves the grammatical structure, enhancing the overall readability of the sentence.

  10. "challenging the idea that a singular focus on money universally defines it" -> "challenging the notion that a sole emphasis on money universally defines it"
    Explanation: "Idea" is replaced with "notion," and "singular focus" is replaced with "sole emphasis" for increased formality and precision in expressing the challenge to the universal definition of quality of life.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively delves into the complexity of the prompt, discussing various dimensions of quality of life beyond monetary considerations. It addresses the viewpoint that money is crucial but convincingly argues for the importance of other factors.
    • How to improve: To enhance, ensure explicit reference to each component of the question throughout the essay. While discussing the importance of social connections, personal fulfillment, and diverse perspectives, tie these directly to the impact they have on quality of life.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The position against the singular importance of money is consistently maintained and supported throughout the essay. Each paragraph reinforces this stance, showcasing a well-developed argument.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen, consider acknowledging potential counter-arguments and refute them to fortify the essay’s position. This would demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay excellently extends and supports ideas, providing examples and explanations that effectively illustrate the importance of non-monetary factors in quality of life. Each idea is developed coherently.
    • How to improve: To add depth, consider exploring the impact of financial stability on these non-monetary aspects to provide a more balanced perspective. While emphasizing the importance of non-materialistic aspects, integrating how financial stability might influence them could strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains focus on the topic, discussing various dimensions of quality of life and the influence of money without significant deviation.
    • How to improve: To further enhance, ensure a direct link between the importance of non-monetary aspects and their direct impact on overall quality of life. Tighten the connections between these elements to avoid any perceived tangential discussions.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a nuanced understanding of quality of life, effectively arguing against the sole significance of money while acknowledging its importance. To elevate the response, ensure a more explicit link between the non-monetary factors and their direct influence on an individual’s overall well-being. Additionally, consider further exploration of how financial stability might interplay with these non-materialistic aspects.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mostly coherent arrangement of ideas with a clear overall structure. The introduction effectively sets the stage by defining the concept of quality of life and presenting the argument. Each paragraph explores a different aspect of the argument, providing a logical flow between ideas. However, there are instances where the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother, especially when moving from discussing financial stability to emotional well-being. This slight disruption impacts the overall logical organization.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences at the beginning or end of paragraphs to signal shifts in focus. For instance, you might use phrases like "Moreover," or "Furthermore" to better connect ideas between paragraphs.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The use of paragraphs is generally effective, with mostly logical idea sequencing. Each paragraph addresses a specific dimension of the argument, and ideas within paragraphs are logically arranged. However, there are a few instances where a more defined separation between ideas could improve clarity. For example, the transition from discussing personal fulfillment to cultural and individual differences could be more distinct.
    • How to improve: To further improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus on a single aspect of the argument. Use topic sentences to introduce the main idea of each paragraph and provide a smooth transition to the next idea. This will enhance the overall coherence and readability of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay skillfully uses cohesive devices with occasional lapses. Cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases, are employed effectively to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. However, there are moments where the connection between ideas is not as seamless, affecting the overall coherence. For instance, the transition between discussing the importance of personal relationships and emotional well-being could be more tightly woven.
    • How to improve: To address these lapses, pay close attention to the use of pronouns and transitional words. Ensure that the relationship between sentences and ideas is explicitly clear. Review the essay for coherence, particularly at points where a shift in focus occurs, and refine the use of cohesive devices to create a smoother narrative flow.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, minor improvements in transitional elements and paragraph structure could elevate the overall organization. Focus on creating a seamless flow between ideas and reinforcing the connections between paragraphs to achieve a higher band score in the Coherence and Cohesion criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an extensive lexical range throughout, employing a varied vocabulary fluently and flexibly. For instance, phrases like "multifaceted concept," "paramount factor," "nuanced and intricate phenomenon," and "holistic approach" showcase a rich vocabulary. The usage of "emotional well-being," "personal fulfilment," and "non-materialistic aspects" indicates depth and precision in expression.
    • How to improve: To elevate further, consider integrating more specialized or context-specific vocabulary that aligns closely with the essay’s arguments. For example, introducing discipline-specific terms related to psychology or sociology could add depth to the analysis of emotional well-being and social connections.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly maintains precision in vocabulary choice but occasionally incorporates terms that might slightly misalign with the intended meaning. For instance, while discussing the importance of non-materialistic aspects, the term "paramount" might slightly overemphasize the role of money. Additionally, while discussing personal fulfilment, using phrases like "sense of purpose and happiness" might benefit from more nuanced terminology.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by choosing words that precisely capture the intended meaning. For instance, replacing "paramount" with "significant" or "crucial" could refine the emphasis on money’s importance. Similarly, exploring terms like "fulfillment" or "inner satisfaction" might better capture the essence of personal contentment.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling errors are infrequent and have minimal impact on overall communication. The essay maintains a high level of spelling accuracy, ensuring that the errors do not impede comprehension or coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy further, consider employing proofreading techniques such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, dedicating specific time for proofreading after completing the essay can help catch and rectify any minor spelling errors before submission.

Overall, the essay exhibits an impressive command of vocabulary, displaying a breadth of language and precision in expression. To enhance further, focus on refining precision in vocabulary selection to align closely with the nuanced arguments presented. Additionally, maintaining the already commendable spelling accuracy through dedicated proofreading would solidify the essay’s lexical strength at this band level.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the essay employs intricate sentence structures when discussing the multifaceted nature of quality of life: "Quality of life is a complex and multifaceted concept that encompasses various dimensions, such as relationships and personal fulfillment." The use of parallel structures and varying sentence lengths adds a layer of sophistication to the writing.
    • How to improve: To further enhance sentence variety, consider incorporating more advanced structures like conditional sentences, inverted sentences, or clauses. This will elevate the overall complexity of the essay and contribute to a more nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with mostly error-free sentences. However, there are occasional minor errors present. For instance, in the sentence "To clarify, pursuing passions, hobbies, and personal growth may not necessarily require significant financial resources but still bring about a sense of happiness," the use of "but still" might be considered redundant. While the error is minor and does not impede understanding, eliminating such redundancies can further refine the clarity of expression.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to sentence structure and eliminate unnecessary words or phrases that do not contribute substantially to the meaning. This will result in a more concise and polished writing style.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates consistent and appropriate punctuation usage throughout. Commas, periods, and other punctuation marks are used effectively to guide the reader and convey the intended meaning. For example, the correct use of commas in the sentence "Undoubtedly, financial stability is crucial for meeting basic needs, accessing education, and healthcare, and ensuring a certain level of comfort" contributes to the clarity of the ideas presented.
    • How to improve: Maintain this level of precision in punctuation usage. Continue to pay attention to the correct placement of commas, semicolons, and other punctuation marks to ensure a seamless flow of ideas. Consider incorporating more complex punctuation structures, such as em dashes or colons, where appropriate, to add variety to your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Quality of life is a multifaceted concept that encompasses various dimensions, such as relationships and personal fulfillment. Some argue that money is the paramount aspect contributing to the quality of life, but this perspective oversimplifies a nuanced and intricate phenomenon. This essay will explore the extent to which money influences quality of life and argue that other factors play equally significant roles.

Undoubtedly, financial stability is crucial for meeting basic needs, accessing education, and healthcare, ensuring a certain level of comfort. However, the exclusive focus on monetary considerations neglects the importance of mental and emotional well-being. It is noteworthy that factors like social connections, a sense of purpose, and overall life satisfaction contribute significantly to an individual’s quality of life. This is because, while money can afford comfort, it does not guarantee fulfilling social connections and relationships. Emotional well-being and a sense of community are often derived from personal relationships, surpassing monetary considerations.

Moreover, personal fulfillment is another significant factor that contributes to the overall quality of life. Pursuing passions, hobbies, and personal growth may not necessarily require significant financial resources but still bring about a sense of happiness. For example, enthusiasts of gardening require only a modest financial investment to buy equipment and potted plants. Therefore, non-materialistic aspects of life contribute substantially to one’s sense of purpose and happiness.

Furthermore, cultural and individual differences play a pivotal role in shaping perceptions of a fulfilling life. Some may prioritize experiences, personal growth, or altruism over financial accumulation. These diverse perspectives challenge the notion that a sole emphasis on money universally defines quality of life, highlighting its subjective nature.

In conclusion, while financial stability is undeniably a crucial component of quality of life, its significance should not overshadow the multifaceted nature of this concept. A holistic approach that considers mental, emotional, and social well-being, alongside economic factors, provides a more comprehensive understanding of what contributes to a fulfilling and meaningful life.

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