some people believe that pop stars deserve to earn more money than classical music performers. some disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion

In this modern era, individuals have diverse views about the income of classical and pop singers. Although many people assume that traditional artists earn more money, I believe that celebrities performing pop music would be paid a higher salary.
On the one hand, there are many reasons why the performance of classical singers can earn more wages. Firstly, the number of singers who follow traditional music genres decline dramatically. I mean, More and more singers pursue new types of music such as: pop, rap,…, thus in each country, classical artists are more respected and receive a plethora of money after performances. Additionally, classical music requires many specialist skills so the artists spend more time practicing and learning to be adept at using instruments as well as the voice. As a result, the more income that traditional artists can earn is reasonable, they even attract youngsters to take over this job.
On the other hand, I would side with those who believe that pop celebrities can be paid more salary. Undeniably, pop star singers just remain at the peak of their career in a few years. I mean, the pop genre is more popular in the world so many musically talented people love practicing it. Therefore, well-known singers can be replaced effortlessly by younger generations. As a result, these celebrities can earn a lot of money when they are at the top of their career. Moreover, they have tours around the planet where they can sell more tickets and albums for their fans as well as have more advertising contracts which can promote the national economy. Therefore, they earn more income
In conclusion, it seems to me that pop artists have a higher salary than traditional artists.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this modern era" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: "Contemporary" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "modern," which can be vague and overly broad in this context.
"diverse views" -> "varied opinions"
Explanation: "Varied opinions" is a more formal and precise term than "diverse views," which is somewhat colloquial.
"many people assume" -> "many individuals believe"
Explanation: "Believe" is more formal than "assume," which can imply a lack of evidence or certainty.
"would be paid a higher salary" -> "are likely to receive higher salaries"
Explanation: "Are likely to receive higher salaries" is more assertive and formal, fitting the academic style better than the conditional "would be paid."
"the number of singers who follow traditional music genres decline dramatically" -> "the number of singers adhering to traditional music genres has significantly decreased"
Explanation: "Has significantly decreased" is more precise and formal than "decline dramatically," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"I mean, More and more singers pursue new types of music such as: pop, rap,…," -> "Furthermore, an increasing number of singers are pursuing genres such as pop and rap"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "I mean," and specifying "genres" instead of "types of music" is more precise.
"plethora of money" -> "substantial amounts of money"
Explanation: "Substantial amounts of money" is a more formal and precise expression than "plethora of money," which is colloquial.
"the more income that traditional artists can earn is reasonable" -> "the higher income traditional artists can earn is reasonable"
Explanation: "The higher income" is more direct and formal than "the more income that," which is awkwardly phrased.
"they even attract youngsters to take over this job" -> "they also inspire young people to pursue this profession"
Explanation: "Inspire young people to pursue this profession" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "attract youngsters to take over this job," which is informal and imprecise.
"pop star singers just remain at the peak of their career in a few years" -> "pop star singers typically remain at the peak of their careers for only a few years"
Explanation: "Typically remain at the peak of their careers for only a few years" is more precise and formal, specifying the duration and using "careers" instead of "career" for plural consistency.
"well-known singers can be replaced effortlessly by younger generations" -> "well-known singers can be easily replaced by younger generations"
Explanation: "Easily" is more formal than "effortlessly," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"have tours around the planet" -> "embark on global tours"
Explanation: "Embark on global tours" is a more formal and precise phrase than "have tours around the planet."
"sell more tickets and albums for their fans" -> "sell more tickets and albums to their fans"
Explanation: "To their fans" is grammatically correct and more formal than "for their fans."
"have more advertising contracts which can promote the national economy" -> "secure more advertising contracts that contribute to the national economy"
Explanation: "Secure more advertising contracts that contribute to the national economy" is more formal and precise, replacing "have more advertising contracts which can promote" with a more direct and active construction.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the income disparity between pop stars and classical music performers. The first paragraph discusses the reasons why classical musicians might earn more, citing their specialized skills and the declining number of classical artists. The second paragraph presents the argument for pop stars, emphasizing their popularity and the financial opportunities available to them. However, the discussion could be more balanced, as the argument for classical musicians is less developed compared to that for pop stars.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could provide more detailed examples and evidence for both sides. For instance, discussing specific instances of high earnings for classical musicians or mentioning notable pop stars and their financial success would create a more robust comparison. Additionally, ensuring that each viewpoint is given equal weight in terms of depth and analysis would strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear opinion that pop stars earn more than classical musicians, which is stated in both the introduction and conclusion. However, the clarity of this position could be undermined by the somewhat stronger emphasis on the classical perspective in the first half of the essay, which may confuse readers about the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the author should consistently reinforce their viewpoint throughout the essay. This could involve explicitly linking back to the main argument after discussing the classical perspective, perhaps by summarizing how each point relates to the overall argument that pop stars earn more.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both classical and pop music, but the support for these ideas is somewhat lacking. For instance, while it mentions the skills required for classical music, it does not elaborate on how these skills translate into financial success. Similarly, the discussion about pop stars earning money through tours and endorsements is valid but could be expanded with specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. Including statistics on earnings, specific examples of successful artists, or references to industry trends would add depth and credibility to the arguments presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay remains focused on the topic of income disparity between pop and classical musicians. However, there are moments where the phrasing and structure could lead to ambiguity, such as the phrase "I mean," which is informal and may detract from the academic tone. Additionally, the use of ellipses in "such as: pop, rap,…" is unnecessary and could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the author should avoid informal language and ensure that all phrases contribute directly to the argument. It would be beneficial to replace casual expressions with more formal alternatives and to eliminate unnecessary punctuation that could distract from the main points.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could potentially achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the context and states the writer’s opinion. Each paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the respect for classical artists to their income could be better articulated to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point logically follows from the previous one, using transitional phrases such as "In addition," "Furthermore," or "Conversely" to guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct viewpoint, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, the paragraphs could benefit from more internal structure. For example, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the reasons classical artists might earn more and another on the skills required for classical music.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by relevant examples or explanations. Aim for a minimum of three sentences per paragraph, with a mix of general statements and specific examples. This will help to deepen the analysis and provide a more comprehensive discussion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "On the one hand," and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "I mean" is used repetitively and can disrupt the flow of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "For instance," "In contrast," "Consequently," and "As a result" to create more nuanced connections between ideas. Additionally, consider replacing repetitive phrases with synonyms or rephrasing to maintain reader engagement and improve the overall flow of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments. By focusing on enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate their score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "traditional artists," "pop celebrities," and "musically talented." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "pop star singers" and "traditional music genres." This limits the overall lexical variety and sophistication expected at higher band scores.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "pop" and "traditional," alternatives like "contemporary" or "classical" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs (e.g., "renowned" instead of "well-known") would enrich the lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage that may confuse readers. For example, the phrase "the more income that traditional artists can earn is reasonable" is awkward and unclear. The use of "plethora" is also somewhat exaggerated in this context, as it implies an abundance that may not be accurately represented.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. Instead of saying "the more income that traditional artists can earn is reasonable," a clearer expression could be "the income that traditional artists earn is justified." Furthermore, ensuring that the vocabulary matches the context will help convey the intended message more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "decline" (should be "declines"), "I mean, More" (should be "I mean, more"), and "adept at using instruments as well as the voice" (should be "voice" without "the"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work more thoroughly before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can build confidence and accuracy in written expression.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary use, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise language, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "Although many people assume that traditional artists earn more money" and "I would side with those who believe that pop celebrities can be paid more salary" showcases an attempt to incorporate complex structures. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as varied subordinate clauses or conditional sentences, which could enhance the depth of argumentation.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could practice using more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of starting sentences with "I mean," the writer could use transitions like "Furthermore," or "In addition," to connect ideas more smoothly. Incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If pop stars continue to dominate the charts, their earnings will likely increase") could also add complexity and depth to the argument.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "the number of singers who follow traditional music genres decline dramatically" should use "declines" to agree with the singular subject "number." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, as seen in "I mean, More and more singers pursue new types of music such as: pop, rap,…," where "More" should not be capitalized, and the ellipsis is unnecessary. The sentence structure in "As a result, the more income that traditional artists can earn is reasonable, they even attract youngsters to take over this job" is awkward and could be clearer if rephrased.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and practice proofreading for capitalization and punctuation errors. Additionally, focusing on sentence clarity and coherence will help. For example, rephrasing complex sentences for better flow and clarity can improve the overall readability of the essay. Engaging in grammar exercises, particularly those focused on common errors in sentence structure and punctuation, would also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents both views effectively, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

On the one hand, there are many reasons why classical singers can earn more wages. Firstly, the number of singers who follow traditional music genres has declined dramatically. More and more singers pursue new types of music such as pop and rap; thus, in each country, classical artists are more respected and receive substantial amounts of money after performances. Additionally, classical music requires many specialist skills, so the artists spend more time practicing and learning to be adept at using instruments as well as their voices. As a result, the higher income that traditional artists can earn is reasonable, and they also inspire young people to pursue this profession.

On the other hand, I side with those who believe that pop celebrities can earn higher salaries. Undeniably, pop star singers typically remain at the peak of their careers for only a few years. The pop genre is more popular in the world, so many musically talented people love practicing it. Therefore, well-known singers can be easily replaced by younger generations. As a result, these celebrities can earn substantial amounts of money when they are at the top of their careers. Moreover, they embark on global tours where they can sell more tickets and albums to their fans, as well as secure more advertising contracts that contribute to the national economy. Therefore, they earn more income.

In conclusion, it seems to me that pop artists have a higher salary than traditional artists.