Some people believe that schools should teach more practical subjects like financial literacy or time management instead of traditional subjects like history or literature. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Write an essay on this topic. You should include: An introduction with your opinion. Main arguments to support your point of view. A counterargument (or explanation of why you disagree with the opposite viewpoint). A conclusion.
Some people believe that schools should teach more practical subjects like financial literacy or time management instead of traditional subjects like history or literature. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Write an essay on this topic. You should include:
An introduction with your opinion.
Main arguments to support your point of view.
A counterargument (or explanation of why you disagree with the opposite viewpoint).
A conclusion.
I totally agree with this statement, because "practice makes better".
There could have been a lot of positive affects in school education if we were involved this statement to reality. First of all, practice is the most significant thing in order to learn something. Financial literacy or time management would have been more helpful for student's future and they would have been living better than they do. In my personal opinion, school education system gives students a lot of useless information, especially in such a subjects as history or literature and in real life, we don't usually use it. Some sources say that approximately 90% of information that students learn in the school – useless and sometimes even harmful for their health conditions. Apparently, it's definitely true. Every single day, traditional subjects are becoming less important in real life, especially in digital technology century. So, sometimes we need to reduce amount of something in order to get something better. For instance, if someone had learned history and literature a lot, and then wants to become a high paid accountant , he wouldn't have an opportunity for that position. Someone who learned time management and financial literacy would be more effective for this position and will replace him as well.
However, here could also appear some opposite affects and counterarguments.
As someone said formerly, "there is no future without knowledge of your own country's history". And I particularly agree with this statement as well. Humanity will always repeat their mistakes and faults in the future if they forget their history. Literature does also make us more educated and thanks for it, we can use former language. This subject also improves our memory, which is completely significant for us.
Finally, there are two sides of this statement, someone agree, someone disagree, but to be honest, personally I totally agree.
Every people just need to choose his passion and learn what he really wants
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"I totally agree with this statement, because "practice makes better"" -> "I fully concur with this assertion, as "practice makes perfect"
Explanation: Replacing "totally agree" with "fully concur" and "makes better" with "makes perfect" enhances the formality and precision of the statement, aligning it with academic standards. -
"There could have been a lot of positive affects" -> "There could have been numerous positive effects"
Explanation: "affects" is a verb, whereas "effects" is the noun form needed here, referring to the outcomes. Using "numerous" instead of "a lot of" provides a more precise quantification. -
"involved this statement to reality" -> "incorporated this principle into reality"
Explanation: "Involved" is incorrect in this context; "incorporated" is the correct verb to use when referring to the integration of an idea or principle into practice or reality. -
"Financial literacy or time management would have been more helpful for student’s future" -> "Financial literacy and time management would have been more beneficial for students’ futures"
Explanation: "helpful" is somewhat vague; "beneficial" is more specific and appropriate in this context. Also, "student’s future" should be pluralized to "students’ futures" to match the plural subject "students". -
"they would have been living better" -> "they would have fared better"
Explanation: "living better" is informal and imprecise; "fared better" is a more formal and academically appropriate expression that implies a comparison of outcomes. -
"school education system gives students a lot of useless information" -> "the school education system provides students with a significant amount of redundant information"
Explanation: "gives" is informal; "provides" is more formal. "Useless" is subjective and informal; "redundant" is a more neutral and academically suitable term. -
"Some sources say that approximately 90% of information that students learn in the school – useless" -> "Certain sources suggest that approximately 90% of the information students learn in school is redundant"
Explanation: "Some sources say" is informal; "Certain sources suggest" is more precise and formal. Also, "useless" is replaced with "redundant" for formality and clarity. -
"Every single day, traditional subjects are becoming less important in real life" -> "Each day, traditional subjects are increasingly becoming less relevant in real life"
Explanation: "Every single day" is redundant; "Each day" is sufficient. "Becoming less important" is vague; "becoming less relevant" is more precise and formal. -
"reduce amount of something" -> "reduce the amount of something"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "amount" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase grammatically correct and more formal. -
"Someone who learned time management and financial literacy would be more effective for this position" -> "Individuals who have mastered time management and financial literacy would be more effective for this position"
Explanation: "Someone" is informal and vague; "Individuals" is more specific and formal. "Learned" is replaced with "mastered" to convey a higher level of proficiency. -
"will replace him as well" -> "will also replace him"
Explanation: "As well" is informal and redundant in this context; "also" is more appropriate and formal. -
"Every people just need to choose his passion and learn what he really wants" -> "Every individual simply needs to identify their passion and learn what they truly desire"
Explanation: "Every people" is grammatically incorrect; "Every individual" is correct. "Just" is informal; "simply" is more formal. "His" should be "their" to agree with the plural subject "individual." "Really wants" is informal; "truly desire" is more formal and precise.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by expressing a clear opinion that schools should teach more practical subjects. The writer provides arguments supporting this view, such as the relevance of financial literacy and time management in real life. However, while the essay does touch on counterarguments, they are not fully developed. The mention of the importance of history and literature is brief and lacks depth, which weakens the overall response to the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is thoroughly addressed. This includes expanding on the counterarguments with specific examples and reasoning. A more balanced discussion that fully explores both sides of the argument would strengthen the essay.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The position is stated clearly at the beginning and reiterated at the end of the essay. However, there are moments where the clarity of the argument is muddled, particularly in the transition between supporting practical subjects and acknowledging the value of traditional subjects. The phrase "there are two sides of this statement" introduces ambiguity about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently reinforce their viewpoint throughout the essay. Using transitional phrases that clearly indicate whether the writer is supporting or opposing a point can help maintain clarity. Additionally, explicitly stating the importance of practical subjects while acknowledging the value of traditional subjects can create a more coherent argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the claim that traditional subjects are "useless" and the assertion that practical subjects are more beneficial for students’ futures. However, the support for these ideas is often vague or generalized, lacking specific examples or evidence. For instance, the claim that "90% of information that students learn in school is useless" is a strong statement that would benefit from citation or elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples or data to support their claims. For instance, discussing how financial literacy has led to better financial decisions among students could strengthen the argument. Additionally, elaborating on how traditional subjects contribute to critical thinking or cultural awareness would enhance the counterargument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate between practical and traditional subjects. However, there are moments where the argument strays, such as the discussion about "digital technology century," which feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument. The conclusion also introduces a vague statement about personal choice that does not directly tie back to the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central argument of the essay. Avoiding tangential statements and ensuring that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas will help keep the essay on topic.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, it would benefit from deeper analysis, more specific examples, and a more structured approach to addressing the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear opinion from the outset, stating agreement with the idea that practical subjects should be prioritized over traditional ones. The arguments are generally organized, with the first paragraph focusing on the benefits of practical subjects and the second addressing counterarguments. However, the logical flow could be improved as some points seem to jump abruptly from one idea to another without clear transitions. For example, the transition from discussing the importance of practical subjects to the counterargument about history lacks a smooth connection.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to outline the main idea. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "In contrast," "Furthermore") can help guide the reader through the argument and create a more cohesive narrative.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more clearly defined in terms of their purpose. For instance, the first paragraph mixes personal opinion with general statements about the education system, which can confuse the reader about the main focus. The counterargument is introduced but not fully developed, making the structure feel somewhat unbalanced.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should have a clear focus. The writer could benefit from dedicating one paragraph solely to presenting the main arguments in favor of practical subjects, another paragraph for counterarguments, and a final paragraph for the conclusion. This structure would help clarify the essay’s overall argument and improve readability.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "however," and "finally," which help to connect ideas. However, the range and effectiveness of these devices are limited. For example, the phrase "as someone said formerly" is vague and does not clearly attribute the quote, which detracts from the essay’s credibility. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices is sometimes repetitive, leading to a less engaging reading experience.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Moreover," "In addition," or "Conversely" can enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, ensuring that quotes are properly introduced and attributed will strengthen the argument and improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, improving the logical organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on common phrases and lacks variety. For instance, terms like "practice makes better" and "useless information" are used, but they could be expressed in more sophisticated ways. The phrase "digital technology century" is somewhat awkward and could be better articulated as "the digital age" or "the era of digital technology."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more advanced terms. For example, instead of repeating "useful" and "useless," they could use "beneficial," "advantageous," "ineffective," or "superfluous." Engaging with a thesaurus or reading more academic texts can help in discovering new vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, "positive affects" should be "positive effects," as "affects" is a verb, while "effects" is the correct noun form in this context. Additionally, "opportunity for that position" is vague; it would be clearer to say "qualified for that position."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. Reviewing definitions and practicing with context-specific vocabulary can help. Furthermore, proofreading for common errors in word choice will enhance clarity.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "affects" instead of "effects," "student’s" instead of "students’," and "every people" instead of "everyone." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice spelling common words and phrases, perhaps by maintaining a list of frequently misspelled words. Additionally, using spell-check tools and proofreading the essay multiple times can help catch these mistakes before submission.
Overall, while the essay presents a clear opinion and some relevant arguments, improving lexical resource through a wider range of vocabulary, precise word choice, and correct spelling will significantly enhance the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "if we were involved this statement to reality" attempts a conditional structure, although it is not correctly formed. However, the overall range of structures is limited, with many sentences being quite similar in form, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. The essay also relies heavily on basic sentence constructions, such as "I totally agree with this statement" and "there could have been a lot of positive affects."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences, such as those that include dependent clauses or varied introductory phrases. For example, instead of saying "First of all, practice is the most significant thing in order to learn something," the writer could say, "While practice is undeniably significant for learning, it is equally important to consider the foundational knowledge provided by traditional subjects." This not only adds complexity but also improves the flow of ideas.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, "positive affects" should be "positive effects," and "in such a subjects" should be "in such subjects." Additionally, the phrase "if we were involved this statement to reality" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased for clarity. Punctuation errors include the misuse of commas and the lack of proper punctuation in some complex sentences, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper use of articles, and correct prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises, as well as reading more academic texts, can help reinforce these concepts. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that each sentence is complete and correctly punctuated will enhance overall clarity. For example, revising "Every people just need to choose his passion" to "Everyone just needs to choose their passion" would correct the grammatical error and improve inclusivity in language.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear opinion and some relevant arguments, there is significant room for improvement in both the variety of grammatical structures used and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical correctness, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing, potentially achieving a higher band score in future assessments.
Bài sửa mẫu
I totally agree with this statement because “practice makes better.” There could have been numerous positive effects in school education if we incorporated this principle into reality. First of all, practice is the most significant thing in order to learn something. Financial literacy or time management would have been more helpful for students’ futures, and they would have fared better than they do now. In my personal opinion, the school education system provides students with a significant amount of redundant information, especially in subjects such as history or literature, which we don’t usually use in real life. Certain sources suggest that approximately 90% of the information that students learn in school is redundant and sometimes even harmful to their health conditions. Apparently, it’s definitely true. Every single day, traditional subjects are becoming less important in real life, especially in this digital technology century. So, sometimes we need to reduce the amount of something in order to get something better. For instance, if someone has learned a lot of history and literature but then wants to become a high-paid accountant, they wouldn’t have an opportunity for that position. Individuals who have mastered time management and financial literacy would be more effective for this position and will also replace them.
However, there could also be some opposite effects and counterarguments. As someone said formerly, “there is no future without knowledge of your own country’s history.” I particularly agree with this statement as well. Humanity will always repeat their mistakes and faults in the future if they forget their history. Literature also makes us more educated, and thanks to it, we can use former language. This subject also improves our memory, which is completely significant for us.
Finally, there are two sides to this statement; some agree, and some disagree, but to be honest, I personally totally agree. Every individual simply needs to identify their passion and learn what they truly desire.
