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Some people believe that studying at a university college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some people believe that studying at a university college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion

It is believed by some people that learning at a university is the shortest way to achieve success while others argue that it is better to get a job as soon as you graduate from high school. From my perspective, I lean towards studying at a university. This essay aims to discuss both views before further elaborating on my opinion on the matter.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that getting a job after graduating high school is better for some people for 2 main reasons. Firstly, when people have a job as soon as they graduate from high school, they will develop their experience. To explain, having a job early can help them try many jobs which lead to finding the best suits for themselves. Secondly, going to work will help them become
more and more self – independent. As a result, they can earn money to live and support their families.
On the other hand, I believe that studying at a college should be better for 2 major justifications. To begin with, when people learn at a university, they will have broad knowledge. Therefore, they have more skills to deal with different problems in life. Another factor worth taking into consideration is qualification. Nowadays, many jobs require employees to have qualifications, especially well-paid jobs such as professor, engineer, pilot,… For example, in every country, the staff members of the school are categorized as principal, vice principal, main teacher and subject teacher based on their academic qualifications which include the level of their degrees.
In conclusion, despite the seemingly valid reasons for having a job after studying at high school, I lean towards the notion that children should study at a university because of learning more skills and having qualifications.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is believed by some people that learning at a university is the shortest way to achieve success while others argue that it is better to get a job as soon as you graduate from high school." -> "Some contend that pursuing higher education at a university is the most efficient path to success, while others advocate for entering the workforce immediately after high school graduation."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence provides a more formal introduction by avoiding the use of "It is believed by some people" and expressing the contrasting views in a more sophisticated manner.

  2. "From my perspective, I lean towards studying at a university." -> "In my view, I am inclined towards pursuing higher education at a university."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone by replacing "lean towards" with "am inclined towards" and by specifying the nature of the education as "higher education."

  3. "On the one hand, it is undeniable that getting a job after graduating high school is better for some people for 2 main reasons." -> "On one hand, there is no denying that securing employment immediately after high school graduation can be advantageous for certain individuals, and this can be attributed to two primary reasons."
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates informal language like "On the one hand" and "2 main reasons," opting for a more formal expression to present the argument.

  4. "Firstly, when people have a job as soon as they graduate from high school, they will develop their experience." -> "Firstly, acquiring employment immediately after high school graduation facilitates the development of practical experience."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace the colloquial "have a job" with "acquiring employment" and enhance the formality of the sentence by using "facilitates the development of practical experience."

  5. "To explain, having a job early can help them try many jobs which lead to finding the best suits for themselves." -> "To elaborate, early employment offers the opportunity to explore various roles, aiding individuals in identifying the most suitable career paths."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal phrase "try many jobs" with a more formal expression, "explore various roles," and emphasizes the purpose of finding a suitable career path.

  6. "Secondly, going to work will help them become more and more self-independent." -> "Secondly, engaging in employment fosters increasing self-reliance."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace the colloquial "going to work" with "engaging in employment" and enhance the formality by using "fosters increasing self-reliance."

  7. "On the other hand, I believe that studying at a college should be better for 2 major justifications." -> "Conversely, I contend that pursuing education at a college is preferable for two significant justifications."
    Explanation: The revision eliminates informal language like "On the other hand" and "2 major justifications," opting for a more formal expression to introduce the opposing viewpoint.

  8. "To begin with, when people learn at a university, they will have broad knowledge." -> "Firstly, individuals acquiring education at a university attain comprehensive knowledge."
    Explanation: The revised sentence replaces the colloquial "learn at a university" with a more formal expression, "acquiring education at a university," and emphasizes the outcome of attaining "comprehensive knowledge."

  9. "Therefore, they have more skills to deal with different problems in life." -> "Consequently, they possess a broader set of skills to address various challenges in life."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "more skills" with "a broader set of skills" and by using "consequently" to improve the flow.

  10. "Another factor worth taking into consideration is qualification." -> "Another noteworthy factor to consider is qualification."
    Explanation: The revision maintains formality while providing a more concise expression by replacing "worth taking into consideration" with "noteworthy."

  11. "Nowadays, many jobs require employees to have qualifications, especially well-paid jobs such as professor, engineer, pilot,…" -> "In the present era, numerous occupations demand that employees hold qualifications, particularly in well-compensated fields like academia, engineering, and aviation."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "Nowadays" with "In the present era" and specifies the well-paid jobs, such as "academia, engineering, and aviation," to enhance precision and formality.

  12. "For example, in every country, the staff members of the school are categorized as principal, vice principal, main teacher and subject teacher based on their academic qualifications which include the level of their degrees." -> "For instance, in various countries, school staff members are classified into roles such as principal, vice principal, main teacher, and subject teacher, determined by their academic qualifications, including the level of their degrees."
    Explanation: The revision improves formality and clarity by replacing informal language with more precise terms and restructuring the sentence for better readability.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives, discussing the advantages of getting a job straight after high school and the benefits of studying at a university. Relevant sections are cited, providing a balanced exploration of both views.

    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, it could enhance its depth by providing more specific examples for each perspective. Additionally, ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the intention to discuss both views and present a personal opinion.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position in favor of studying at a university. This stance is evident throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding paragraph.

    • How to improve: Although having a clear position is crucial, acknowledging counterarguments or potential drawbacks of the chosen stance could add nuance and strengthen the overall argument.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It elaborates on the advantages of getting a job after high school and the benefits of university education, providing specific reasons and examples.

    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s depth, consider incorporating more detailed examples and illustrating how these advantages play out in real-life scenarios. This can add richness to the content and strengthen the argument.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two viewpoints and providing relevant arguments for each. However, some sentences could be more concise to maintain focus.

    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the discussion of the two perspectives. Trim any unnecessary information to maintain a more focused and concise argument.

Overall Feedback:

The essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt, effectively discussing both views before presenting a clear personal opinion. The content is well-organized, and ideas are generally well-developed. To improve, focus on providing more specific examples, acknowledging opposing views, and ensuring every sentence contributes directly to the overall argument. Additionally, strive for concise and focused language to enhance clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization. It starts with an introduction that outlines the purpose and positions to be discussed. The body paragraphs present clear arguments for both perspectives, culminating in a conclusion that states the author’s opinion. However, there is a minor issue with sentence structure and coherence within paragraphs that can be addressed for improved clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details. For instance, in the first body paragraph, the connection between the reasons for getting a job and their benefits could be more explicitly stated. Additionally, consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through different points of the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is generally effective in separating different ideas, with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, some sentences within paragraphs are overly lengthy, which affects readability. A few more concise paragraphs could contribute to a clearer structure.
    • How to improve: Break down lengthy sentences into smaller, more digestible portions. Create new paragraphs when shifting to a new point or idea to enhance overall coherence. This will make the essay more reader-friendly and help maintain a logical progression of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as linking words ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion") and pronouns ("they," "it"). However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the use of cohesive devices for more sophisticated connections between ideas.
    • How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however"), synonyms, and parallel structures. This will add nuance to the essay’s coherence and create a smoother transition between sentences and ideas. For instance, in the second body paragraph, more diverse connectors could strengthen the relationship between the reasons for studying at a university and the consequent benefits.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, but refinements in paragraphing and the use of cohesive devices can elevate its clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and expressions, but some repetition is evident. For instance, the repeated use of phrases such as "high school" could be diversified to enhance the lexical richness.

    • How to improve: To improve, consider introducing more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of consistently using "high school," you can incorporate terms like "secondary education" or "secondary school" to add variety. Additionally, strive to include more specialized or precise vocabulary related to the essay topic, especially when discussing the benefits of university education or early employment.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances of imprecise or repetitive language. For example, the repetition of "2 main reasons" and "2 major justifications" is somewhat redundant, and there is room for more precise word choices.

    • How to improve: Aim for precision by avoiding unnecessary repetition and exploring alternative words or phrases. Instead of repeating the structure of "2 main reasons" and "2 major justifications," consider using diverse expressions like "primary considerations" or "key factors." Additionally, pay attention to using more nuanced vocabulary to convey your ideas, enhancing the overall precision of your language.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, spelling accuracy is satisfactory. However, there are a few instances where word forms are not entirely accurate, such as "more and more self – independent." Additionally, the phrase "justifications" could be confused with "justices."

    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your essay carefully, paying attention to word forms and ensuring that hyphenated words are used appropriately. For instance, the phrase "self – independent" could be revised to "self-independent" or rephrased for smoother expression. Further, be cautious with words that may have similar spellings, like "justifications" and "justices," and ensure the correct usage based on the context.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in lexical resource, incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, improving precision, and refining spelling accuracy will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is some variety, such as simple and compound sentences, there is room for improvement in incorporating complex structures. For instance, the use of subordination and relative clauses can enhance the depth of the arguments presented. Additionally, the repetitive structure in certain parts, such as the repeated use of "For example," could be diversified for a more engaging flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating complex sentence structures, such as subordination and relative clauses, to provide more nuanced and detailed explanations. Vary the introductory phrases and transitions to avoid monotony. For instance, instead of consistently using "To explain" or "To begin with," experiment with alternatives like "Moreover," or "Furthermore" to add variety.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, the phrase "when people have a job as soon as they graduate from high school, they will develop their experience" could be refined for better clarity. There are also punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary space before and after hyphens ("self – independent").
    • How to improve: Review and revise sentences for clarity, ensuring that the intended meaning is conveyed accurately. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Regarding punctuation, ensure consistency and correctness. The use of hyphens should follow established conventions, and spaces around hyphens should be eliminated. Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct any grammatical or punctuation errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and sentence structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and carefully reviewing and revising for grammatical precision and punctuation correctness.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a debate on whether pursuing higher education at a university is the most effective route to success, or if entering the workforce immediately after high school graduation is a better option. In my perspective, I am inclined towards pursuing higher education at a university. This essay aims to discuss both views before expressing my opinion on the matter.

On one hand, it is undeniable that securing employment right after high school graduation can be advantageous for certain individuals, and this can be attributed to two primary reasons. Firstly, acquiring employment immediately after high school graduation facilitates the development of practical experience. To elaborate, early employment offers the opportunity to explore various roles, aiding individuals in identifying the most suitable career paths. Secondly, engaging in employment fosters increasing self-reliance.

Conversely, I contend that pursuing education at a college is preferable for two significant justifications. Firstly, individuals acquiring education at a university attain comprehensive knowledge. Consequently, they possess a broader set of skills to address various challenges in life. Another noteworthy factor to consider is qualification. In the present era, numerous occupations demand that employees hold qualifications, particularly in well-compensated fields like academia, engineering, and aviation.

For instance, in various countries, school staff members are classified into roles such as principal, vice principal, main teacher, and subject teacher, determined by their academic qualifications, including the level of their degrees.

In conclusion, despite the seemingly valid reasons for having a job after studying at high school, I lean towards the notion that individuals should study at a university because of acquiring more skills and having qualifications.

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