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Some people believe that success in sports depends on physical ability. Others believe that there are more important factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that success in sports depends on physical ability. Others believe that there are more important factors. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is believed by some parts of the population that physical ability plays a vital role in sports success, while some consider that achievement in game also requires a number of other elements. This essay attempts to elucidate both points of view before concluding that I am an advocate of the latter viewpoint.
On the one hand, having triumph in sports depends on physical ability that could be reasonable to a certain extent. To begin with, in most sports, physical health such as agility and endurance is the deciding factor to becoming a victorious person. There is no denying that if a team lacks endurance and stamina in domestic and national matches, they will lose to their opponents. For instance, in soccer, the team with better physical strength and taller players will gain an overwhelming position over the other team.
On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that there are more important elements to becoming a winning team.
One reason is that in addition to a solid physical health, having a strong mind and correct strategy is also a chance to get victory. The most obvious example to prove is that, before each football match, there is always a team that studies the opposing team’s playing strategy, from there they can find weak positions and seize the chance to win. Furthermore, luck is also one of the important factors, because even a tiny mistake from the opponent is an opportunity for them to succeed.
In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that physical ability is vital to aim for sport achievements, I would contend that other elements are equally significant.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is believed by some parts of the population that physical ability plays a vital role in sports success, while some consider that achievement in game also requires a number of other elements." -> "Some segments of the population believe that physical prowess is crucial for success in sports, while others assert that achieving excellence in a game necessitates a variety of additional elements."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality by using "segments of the population" instead of "some parts," and it replaces "achievement in game" with "achieving excellence in a game" for a more academic expression.

  2. "This essay attempts to elucidate both points of view before concluding that I am an advocate of the latter viewpoint." -> "This essay aims to expound upon both perspectives before affirming my advocacy for the latter stance."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "attempts to elucidate" with "aims to expound upon" and using "advocacy" instead of a more casual "I am an advocate."

  3. "On the one hand, having triumph in sports depends on physical ability that could be reasonable to a certain extent." -> "Firstly, attaining success in sports hinges on physical prowess, a factor that could be reasonably argued to a certain extent."
    Explanation: The revision introduces "Firstly" for better organization, replaces "having triumph" with "attaining success," and substitutes "depends on" with "hinges on" for a more formal tone.

  4. "There is no denying that if a team lacks endurance and stamina in domestic and national matches, they will lose to their opponents." -> "Undoubtedly, a team lacking endurance and stamina in both domestic and national matches is destined to succumb to their opponents."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by using "Undoubtedly" and rephrasing the sentence for better flow and clarity.

  5. "For instance, in soccer, the team with better physical strength and taller players will gain an overwhelming position over the other team." -> "For example, in soccer, the team possessing superior physical strength and taller players will establish a commanding position over their counterparts."
    Explanation: The revision maintains formality by using "For example" and replaces "gain an overwhelming position" with "establish a commanding position" for a more precise expression.

  6. "On the other hand, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that there are more important elements to becoming a winning team." -> "Conversely, numerous compelling reasons underpin my conviction that there are more pivotal elements contributing to a team’s success."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "On the other hand" with "Conversely" and using "underpin" instead of "are a host of compelling reasons."

  7. "One reason is that in addition to a solid physical health, having a strong mind and correct strategy is also a chance to get victory." -> "One reason is that, alongside robust physical health, cultivating a resilient mindset and employing a sound strategy significantly enhances the chances of achieving victory."
    Explanation: The revision introduces commas for better structure, replaces "having a strong mind" with "cultivating a resilient mindset," and uses "significantly enhances" for a more formal expression.

  8. "The most obvious example to prove is that, before each football match, there is always a team that studies the opposing team’s playing strategy, from there they can find weak positions and seize the chance to win." -> "A prominent illustration is that, prior to each football match, teams invariably analyze the opposing team’s playing strategy, enabling them to identify weaknesses and capitalize on opportunities for victory."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by using "A prominent illustration" and rephrasing for clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the prompt, discussing the importance of physical ability in sports success and acknowledging the presence of other crucial factors. Specific examples, such as the role of physical strength in soccer and the significance of strategy, demonstrate an attempt to cover all aspects of the question.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more depth in the discussion of other factors influencing sports success. For example, expanding on the importance of teamwork or individual skills beyond physical abilities would strengthen the coverage.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance by expressing the author’s preference for the belief that there are more important elements to sports success than physical ability. This position is consistently articulated in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
    • How to improve: Continue to reinforce the central position by integrating it more explicitly in topic sentences and connecting it seamlessly with supporting examples throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, discussing both physical ability and other factors. However, the development and support of these ideas could be strengthened by providing more nuanced examples and elaborating on the connection between physical ability, strategy, and luck.
    • How to improve: Provide specific instances or studies related to the influence of strategy and luck in sports success. Offer more detailed explanations on how these factors complement or surpass the role of physical ability in certain scenarios.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt throughout. However, there are moments when the focus on physical ability seems to overshadow other elements. Ensure that each paragraph consistently contributes to the discussion of both views on sports success.
    • How to improve: Maintain a balance between discussing physical ability and other factors in each paragraph. Use transitions effectively to guide the reader through the exploration of different aspects without veering off course.

In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a balanced discussion on the role of physical ability and other factors in sports success. To improve, focus on providing more depth in the discussion of other elements, reinforcing the central position throughout, offering nuanced examples, and maintaining a consistent balance between the various aspects of the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction, discussing both views. The body paragraphs present arguments for each viewpoint, leading to a well-structured conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow. For instance, the transition between the paragraphs could be smoother, creating a more cohesive link between ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, work on creating smoother transitions between ideas. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details that contribute to the overall argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize ideas. Each paragraph has a clear central theme, and there is a separation between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are instances where the essay could benefit from more nuanced paragraphing. For example, the second body paragraph could be further divided to address different aspects of the argument in a more organized manner.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each addressing a specific sub-point. This helps in maintaining a clear and organized structure, making it easier for the reader to follow the arguments.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "furthermore") and pronouns ("it," "there," "they"). However, there is a tendency to repeat certain phrases, affecting the variety of cohesive devices. Furthermore, some transitions could be more effectively integrated to enhance the overall flow.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition. Instead of relying on specific phrases repeatedly, explore a wider range of transition words and pronouns. Ensure that transitions are seamlessly integrated, contributing to a more natural and coherent progression of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but refinement in the logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage will contribute to a more polished and effective response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some variety in word choices. However, there is room for improvement as certain terms are repeated (e.g., "physical ability," "team") without sufficient alternatives. Additionally, the use of more sophisticated vocabulary could enhance the overall lexical richness of the essay.
    • How to improve: To broaden your vocabulary, consider using synonyms and exploring more nuanced expressions. For instance, instead of consistently using "physical ability," you might interchange it with terms like "athletic prowess," "physical prowess," or "fitness capabilities" when appropriate. This subtle variation can enhance the depth of your vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay tends to use vocabulary in a generally accurate manner, but there are instances where word choices could be more precise. For example, the phrase "triumph in sports" could be more precisely stated as "success in sports." There is also a slight imprecision in expressions like "they will lose to their opponents," which can be refined for clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the specificity of your vocabulary. Instead of broad terms, opt for more precise expressions. For example, replace "triumph" with "success" and rephrase "they will lose to their opponents" as "they will be defeated by their opponents." This precision contributes to a clearer and more refined language usage.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits correct spelling. However, there are a few instances where small errors, such as missing articles ("a" or "an") or minor typos, are present. These do not significantly hinder understanding but could be improved for a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your essay carefully, paying specific attention to small details like articles and word endings. Additionally, consider utilizing spell-check tools to catch any overlooked errors. Developing a habit of thorough proofreading can significantly contribute to improved spelling precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt at variety, such as the use of conditional clauses ("if a team lacks endurance") and conjunctions ("On the one hand," "On the other hand"). However, some sentences are overly complex, leading to occasional awkwardness.
    • How to improve: While the essay generally includes a variety of structures, consider balancing sentence complexity for better readability. Ensure that complex sentences are clear and effectively convey the intended meaning. Additionally, explore the use of more sophisticated structures, such as parallelism and varied clause types, to elevate the overall quality of expression.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, "it is believed by some parts of the population" could be improved to "some segments of the population believe."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure to eliminate grammatical errors. Proofread for clarity and coherence, ensuring that each sentence contributes to the overall flow of ideas. Additionally, refine punctuation use, such as commas, to enhance readability. For instance, consider revising "This essay attempts to elucidate both points of view before concluding that I am an advocate of the latter viewpoint" for better clarity and coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammar and a commendable attempt at diverse sentence structures, careful revision is recommended to refine language use and enhance overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a belief held by some segments of the population that success in sports is heavily reliant on physical ability, while others argue that achieving excellence in a game requires a variety of additional elements. This essay aims to expound upon both perspectives before affirming my advocacy for the latter stance.

Firstly, attaining success in sports is undeniably influenced by physical prowess, a factor that could be reasonably argued to a certain extent. In most sports, physical health, encompassing agility and endurance, plays a decisive role in determining victory. Without a doubt, a team lacking endurance and stamina in both domestic and national matches is destined to succumb to their opponents. For example, in soccer, the team possessing superior physical strength and taller players will establish a commanding position over their counterparts.

Conversely, numerous compelling reasons underpin my conviction that there are more pivotal elements contributing to a team’s success. One reason is that, alongside robust physical health, cultivating a resilient mindset and employing a sound strategy significantly enhance the chances of achieving victory. A prominent illustration is that, prior to each football match, teams invariably analyze the opposing team’s playing strategy, enabling them to identify weaknesses and capitalize on opportunities for victory. Additionally, luck is also a crucial factor, as even a tiny mistake from the opponent presents an opportunity for success.

In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that physical ability is vital for aspiring sports achievements, I would contend that other elements are equally significant. The combination of physical prowess, mental resilience, strategic planning, and a bit of luck collectively forms the winning formula in sports.

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