fbpx

Some people believe that taking a gap year after graduating high school to work and/or travel is beneficial to students. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that taking a gap year after graduating high school to work and/or travel is beneficial to students. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned about the phenomenon that taking a gap year after graduating high school to work or travel is beneficial to students. I totally agree with this thesis statement.

To begin with, taking a gap year can helps students take a break after 12 years of study, which necessary for health and mental students after a long time deal with full deadline from school, homeworks and exams. In fact, gap year students have more time to relax, unwind, blow off some steam for themselves, which makes them reduce stress and forget all pressure. For example, the number of students choose travel to go on vacation to international countries such as Canada, Singapore, America to strengthen relationships with their family and friends while and they also can explore new cultures.

In addition, taking a gap year can improve students social skills, which are very important and essential in life. In fact, during this time, they can spend more time to creating a new job in the future, which helps them develop many skills such as make new relationships, communication, networking, even learn more other language, and explore new something. For instance, there are variety students learn how to take photographs and effectively communicate with foreign customers very good while working in tourism.

In conclusion, taking a gap year after graduating high school to work or travel can help students mature. For this reason, it is clear that students can rest and further develop their abilities.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."

  2. "taking a gap year" -> "pursuing a gap year"
    Explanation: "Pursuing" is more formal and specific than "taking," which sounds more casual and vague in this context.

  3. "I totally agree with this thesis statement."
    Explanation: "I totally agree" is too informal and emphatic for academic writing. "I strongly agree" or "I concur" would be more appropriate.

  4. "can helps" -> "can help"
    Explanation: "Can helps" is grammatically incorrect. The correct form is "can help."

  5. "necessary for health and mental students" -> "essential for the health and well-being of students"
    Explanation: "Essential" is more formal than "necessary," and "well-being" is a more precise term than "mental students," which is incorrect and unclear.

  6. "after a long time deal with full deadline from school, homeworks and exams" -> "after a prolonged period of dealing with academic deadlines, homework, and exams"
    Explanation: This revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammatical errors in the original phrase.

  7. "blow off some steam" -> "release tension"
    Explanation: "Release tension" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase compared to the colloquial "blow off some steam."

  8. "the number of students choose travel" -> "many students choose to travel"
    Explanation: "The number of students choose" is grammatically incorrect. "Many students choose to travel" corrects the grammar and enhances clarity.

  9. "to go on vacation to international countries" -> "to travel to international destinations"
    Explanation: "Travel to international destinations" is more formal and precise than "go on vacation to international countries."

  10. "strengthen relationships with their family and friends while and they also can explore new cultures" -> "strengthen relationships with family and friends while also exploring new cultures"
    Explanation: Removing the redundant "and" and rephrasing improves the flow and clarity of the sentence.

  11. "improve students social skills" -> "enhance students’ social skills"
    Explanation: Adding the possessive apostrophe to "students’" corrects the grammatical error and makes the phrase more formal.

  12. "spend more time to creating a new job" -> "spend more time creating new jobs"
    Explanation: "Creating a new job" is awkward and incorrect. "Creating new jobs" is grammatically correct and clearer.

  13. "make new relationships, communication, networking, even learn more other language, and explore new something" -> "develop new relationships, improve communication, enhance networking, and expand their linguistic skills and explore new opportunities"
    Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and provides more precise and formal language.

  14. "there are variety students learn" -> "many students learn"
    Explanation: "There are variety students learn" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Many students learn" is grammatically correct and clearer.

  15. "very good while working in tourism" -> "effectively while working in the tourism industry"
    Explanation: "Very good" is too informal and vague; "effectively" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. Also, "the tourism industry" is more specific than "tourism."

  16. "taking a gap year after graduating high school to work or travel" -> "pursuing a gap year after graduating from high school to work or travel"
    Explanation: "Pursuing a gap year" is more formal than "taking a gap year," and "graduating from high school" is more precise than "graduating high school."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of taking a gap year. The introduction clearly presents the writer’s agreement with the statement, and the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this viewpoint. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion that acknowledges potential counterarguments or disadvantages of taking a gap year, which would enhance the depth of the response.
    • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should consider including a paragraph that discusses potential drawbacks of a gap year, such as financial implications or the risk of losing academic momentum. This would provide a more nuanced perspective and demonstrate critical thinking.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that supports the benefits of taking a gap year. The use of phrases like "I totally agree" and consistent references to the positive outcomes of a gap year reinforce this stance. However, the position could be made even clearer by explicitly stating the main argument in each paragraph and linking back to the thesis more effectively.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the writer should restate the main argument at the beginning of each body paragraph. Additionally, using transition phrases that connect back to the thesis can help maintain focus on the central position throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas about the benefits of a gap year, such as mental health benefits and social skills development. However, some points lack sufficient elaboration and specific examples. For instance, the mention of students learning to take photographs is vague and could be more effectively tied to the overall argument about skill development.
    • How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and support ideas, the writer should provide specific examples and details that illustrate the points made. For instance, instead of simply stating that students learn to take photographs, the writer could explain how this skill may benefit them in future careers or enhance their personal development. Using statistics or studies to back up claims can also strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of taking a gap year. However, there are moments where the language becomes unclear or slightly off-topic, such as the phrase "explore new something," which detracts from the overall coherence of the argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that all language is clear and precise. Avoiding vague expressions and ensuring that each sentence contributes directly to the argument will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, reviewing the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can improve clarity and coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, addressing the suggestions above could enhance its effectiveness and potentially raise the band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of taking a gap year, with each paragraph addressing a specific benefit. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs each focus on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between the first and second paragraphs feels abrupt. The first paragraph discusses relaxation, while the second shifts to social skills without a clear connection.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that link ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits of relaxation, you could introduce the next paragraph with a sentence like, "In addition to mental health benefits, a gap year also fosters essential social skills." This would create a smoother transition and reinforce the overall argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific point, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For instance, the first body paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on relaxation and the other on cultural exploration.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into shorter ones to enhance readability and focus. For example, the first paragraph could be divided into one discussing the need for relaxation and another discussing the benefits of cultural exploration during travel.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "in addition" and "for example." However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument. For instance, the phrase "which necessary for health and mental students" is awkward and does not clearly connect to the preceding idea.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "consequently," and "on the other hand." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used correctly and enhances the clarity of the argument. For example, rephrase awkward sentences for clarity, such as changing "which necessary for health and mental students" to "which is necessary for students’ mental and physical health."

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "gap year," "beneficial," and "explore new cultures." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "taking a gap year" appears multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the lexical diversity of the essay. Additionally, phrases such as "students can rest and further develop their abilities" could be expressed with more varied vocabulary to avoid redundancy.
    • How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related phrases. For example, instead of repeating "gap year," they could use "year off," "sabbatical," or "interim period." Furthermore, using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs can enrich the text, such as replacing "important" with "crucial" or "vital," and "very good" with "exceptionally well."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "which necessary for health and mental students" is awkward and unclear; it seems to suggest that the gap year is necessary for students’ health but is poorly constructed. Additionally, "creating a new job" is misleading; it would be more accurate to say "preparing for future employment" or "gaining work experience."
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. They should revise phrases for grammatical accuracy and ensure that the intended meaning is conveyed. For instance, instead of "blow off some steam for themselves," a more precise phrase could be "engage in leisure activities to relieve stress."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from the overall quality. Words like "helps" (should be "help"), "necessary" (should be "is necessary"), "homeworks" (should be "homework"), and "variety" (should be "a variety of") are incorrectly spelled or used, which can confuse the reader and affect the essay’s professionalism.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help identify errors that may be overlooked during silent reading. Engaging in regular vocabulary exercises can also reinforce correct spelling.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, the writer employs simple sentences like "I totally agree with this thesis statement" and compound sentences such as "In addition, taking a gap year can improve students social skills, which are very important and essential in life." However, the use of complex structures is limited, and many sentences are somewhat repetitive in their construction. For example, phrases like "taking a gap year" and "students" are used frequently without variation, which can detract from the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or varied introductory phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "taking a gap year," the writer could use phrases like "By taking a gap year," or "Those who choose to take a gap year often find that…" This will not only diversify the sentence structures but also improve the flow of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For example, in the sentence "taking a gap year can helps students take a break," the verb "helps" should be "help" to agree with the subject "taking a gap year." Additionally, the phrase "which necessary for health and mental students" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "which is necessary for the health and mental well-being of students." Punctuation errors are also present, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion. For instance, "while and they also can explore new cultures" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that all clauses are complete and correctly structured. It would be beneficial to review common grammatical rules and practice writing sentences that incorporate these rules. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used appropriately in complex sentences will enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers could also help identify and correct these issues before finalizing the essay.

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned about the phenomenon of taking a gap year after graduating high school to work or travel, believing it is beneficial to students. I completely agree with this thesis statement.

To begin with, taking a gap year can help students take a break after 12 years of study, which is essential for the health and well-being of students after a prolonged period of dealing with academicdeadlines, homework, and exams. In fact, gap year students have more time to relax, unwind, and release tension, which allows them to reduce stress and forget all the pressure. For example, many students choose to travel to international destinations such as Canada, Singapore, and America to strengthen relationships with their family and friends while also exploring new cultures.

In addition, taking a gap year can enhance students’ social skills, which are very important in life. During this time, they can spend more time creating new job opportunities for the future, which helps them develop various skills such as building new relationships, improving communication, enhancing networking, and expanding their linguistic skills. For instance, many students learn how to take photographs and effectively communicate with foreign customers while working in the tourism industry.

In conclusion, pursuing a gap year after graduating high school to work or travel can help students mature. For this reason, it is clear that students can rest and further develop their abilities.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này