Some people believe that the ageing population is good for business, the economy and society. Others, however, disagree with this view. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some individuals completely assert that the increasing number of the elderly is a vital component of business and economic development, contributing to an improved society. Others, nevertheless, claim that this trend has a detrimental effect on society. Although both schools of thought present compelling arguments, I agree with the latter perspective based on my stance that are elucidated in my essay.
There are some persuasive rationales that explain why the aging population is an indispensable part of business, the economy, and society's progression. Regarding the younger generation, as the accessibility of insights experience is limited, they don’t accumulate enough amount of in-depth knowledge about the economy and business rather than the older generation. Thus, this can pose threat to organizations, the global economy, and society. In terms of the older generation, due to the significant accumulation of informed outlook of life, they can make wise decisions for their employees. Thereby, potentially contributing to national sustainability and societal advancements.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments about the advantageous aspects of the contribution of the aging population to the organizations and the citizenry, others may fear that this tendency can be detrimental. Initially, due to the demand for healthcare and workforce, the elderly are likely to maintain their pensions during a long period. Thus, it can remarkably put a strain on the national budget. Therefore, in this modern era, the younger generation is a better option for corporations and national economic development as they contribute their full energy and workforce to society. Another reason is the aging population is always associated with the scarcity of workforce. To exemplify, many industrialized nations, especially Japan has faced numerous case of labour crisis annual due to the ever-rising of aging population, significantly leading to economic stagnation.
To recapitulate, it is irrefutable that the older generation provides a wide range of beneficial knowledge for enterprise, the national economy, and the public, my firm conviction is that the younger generation offers golden opportunities for societal progression thanks to their sustainable workforce.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals completely assert" -> "Some individuals firmly assert"
Explanation: "Completely" is somewhat redundant when used with "assert," as "firmly" conveys a similar meaning without redundancy, enhancing the formal tone of the sentence.
"increasing number of the elderly" -> "increasing elderly population"
Explanation: "Increasing number of the elderly" is a bit awkward and verbose. "Increasing elderly population" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.
"vital component of business and economic development" -> "crucial component of business and economic development"
Explanation: "Vital" is somewhat vague; "crucial" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts to describe essential elements.
"Others, nevertheless, claim" -> "Others, however, argue"
Explanation: "Claim" can be seen as less formal than "argue," which is more appropriate for academic discussions.
"my stance that are elucidated" -> "the arguments that I elucidate"
Explanation: "My stance that are elucidated" is grammatically incorrect. "The arguments that I elucidate" corrects the grammatical error and improves clarity.
"insights experience" -> "experience and insights"
Explanation: "Insights experience" is incorrect. "Experience and insights" is the correct phrase, providing clarity and grammatical correctness.
"don’t accumulate enough amount of in-depth knowledge" -> "do not accumulate sufficient in-depth knowledge"
Explanation: "Don’t" is too informal for academic writing; "do not" is more formal. "Enough amount" is redundant; "sufficient" is more precise.
"pose threat" -> "pose a threat"
Explanation: "Pose threat" is grammatically incorrect. "Pose a threat" is the correct form, enhancing grammatical accuracy.
"informed outlook of life" -> "life experience"
Explanation: "Informed outlook of life" is awkward and unclear. "Life experience" is a more natural and precise term in this context.
"make wise decisions for their employees" -> "make informed decisions for their employees"
Explanation: "Wise" is somewhat vague; "informed" is more specific and appropriate in an academic context, emphasizing the basis of the decisions.
"potentially contributing to national sustainability and societal advancements" -> "potentially contributing to national sustainability and societal progress"
Explanation: "Advancements" can be replaced with "progress" for a more formal and commonly used term in academic writing.
"the younger generation is a better option" -> "the younger generation offers a better option"
Explanation: "Is a better option" is passive; "offers a better option" is more active and direct, enhancing the formal tone.
"ever-rising of aging population" -> "ever-rising aging population"
Explanation: "Of aging population" is grammatically incorrect. "Aging population" is the correct phrase, providing clarity and grammatical correctness.
"numerous case of labour crisis" -> "numerous cases of labor crises"
Explanation: "Case of labour crisis" is grammatically incorrect. "Cases of labor crises" corrects the plural form and uses "labor" for consistency with American English usage in academic texts.
"golden opportunities" -> "significant opportunities"
Explanation: "Golden opportunities" is metaphorical and less formal. "Significant opportunities" is straightforward and maintains an academic tone.
"sustainable workforce" -> "sustainable workforce contributions"
Explanation: "Sustainable workforce" is vague; "sustainable workforce contributions" specifies the type of contribution, enhancing clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the impact of an aging population on business, the economy, and society. The first body paragraph presents arguments in favor of the aging population, highlighting their experience and decision-making capabilities. The second body paragraph counters this by discussing the potential negative impacts, such as increased healthcare demands and workforce shortages. However, while both perspectives are mentioned, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of each side before clearly stating the writer’s opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both views are explored in more depth. This could involve providing more examples or evidence for each viewpoint, allowing for a more nuanced discussion before presenting a personal opinion. Additionally, the writer could clarify their stance earlier in the essay to prepare the reader for the conclusion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position in favor of the younger generation towards the end, but this position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The introduction mentions agreement with the latter perspective but does not elaborate on this until the conclusion. The transition between discussing the benefits of the aging population and the writer’s opinion is somewhat abrupt, which may confuse readers about the overall stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and refer back to it throughout the essay. This could be achieved by using phrases that consistently link back to the central argument, ensuring that the reader understands the writer’s perspective at all times.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the aging population’s impact on business and society, such as the value of experience and the strain on national resources. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the argument about the elderly’s contribution to wise decision-making could be expanded with specific examples or statistics to strengthen the point. Additionally, the mention of Japan’s labor crisis is a good example but could benefit from further elaboration on how this directly relates to the aging population’s impact on the economy.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could involve incorporating data or case studies that illustrate the claims being made, thereby providing a stronger foundation for the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s requirement to discuss both views and provide an opinion. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the first body paragraph, where the argument about the younger generation’s lack of experience could be more tightly connected to the topic of the aging population’s impact. The phrasing in some areas is also somewhat convoluted, which can detract from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by regularly referencing the aging population in relation to the arguments presented. Simplifying complex sentences and ensuring clarity in phrasing will also help keep the reader engaged and focused on the main topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and development of ideas. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The arguments are generally well-organized, with the first body paragraph focusing on the positive aspects of the aging population and the second addressing the negative implications. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments" serves as a transition but feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a clearer connection to the previous paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit transition phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, instead of "Notwithstanding," you could use "On the other hand," which more clearly indicates a shift in perspective. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of that section.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, which is a strength. However, the first body paragraph could be further divided into two separate paragraphs to better delineate the arguments regarding the benefits of the aging population. The current paragraph is somewhat dense and could overwhelm the reader with information.
- How to improve: Consider splitting the first body paragraph into two: one focusing on the knowledge and experience of the elderly and the other on their decision-making capabilities. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity. Ensure that each paragraph maintains a consistent structure, starting with a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "thus," "thereby," and "initially," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For instance, the use of more varied linking words and phrases could enhance the flow of the essay. Some transitions feel repetitive, such as the repeated use of "thus" and "therefore," which can detract from the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a broader range of linking words and phrases. For example, consider using "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently" to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help maintain cohesion without sounding redundant. For instance, instead of repeating "the elderly," you could use "they" or "this demographic" in subsequent references.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions could elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the arguments presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "indispensable," "persuasive rationales," and "detrimental." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, particularly in phrases like "aging population" and "younger generation," which are used frequently without synonyms or paraphrasing. This limits the lexical diversity expected at a higher band score.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "aging population," alternatives like "elderly demographic" or "senior citizens" could be employed. Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating idiomatic expressions could enrich the essay’s lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used effectively, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "the accessibility of insights experience is limited" is awkward and unclear. The term "amount of in-depth knowledge" is also imprecise; "amount" is typically used for uncountable nouns, whereas "number" would be more appropriate when referring to countable knowledge or insights.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. For instance, rephrasing "the accessibility of insights experience is limited" to "the younger generation has limited access to experiential knowledge" would enhance clarity. Additionally, using "number" instead of "amount" in contexts involving countable nouns would improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that affect the overall impression. For instance, "case of labour crisis annual" should be "cases of labor crises annually," and "the ever-rising of aging population" should be "the ever-rising aging population." These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail in spelling.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary and creating a list of frequently misspelled words could also be beneficial. Reading extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments clearly, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "the increasing number of the elderly is a vital component of business and economic development" and "the aging population is always associated with the scarcity of workforce" showcase the use of complex structures. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear constructions, such as "my stance that are elucidated in my essay," which detracts from clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more varied sentence beginnings and transitions. For instance, using introductory clauses or phrases (e.g., "In addition to this," "Conversely," "Despite these benefits,") can help create a smoother flow and enhance the complexity of the writing. Additionally, practicing the use of conditional sentences and passive voice could further diversify the grammatical range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, the phrase "based on my stance that are elucidated in my essay" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "that is elucidated in my essay." Also, the sentence "the elderly are likely to maintain their pensions during a long period" could be improved for clarity; "for a long period" is more standard. Punctuation is generally correct, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "nevertheless" and "initially."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation and clarity before submission can help catch errors that may otherwise go unnoticed. Reading aloud can also assist in identifying awkward phrases and improving overall fluency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical precision, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals firmly assert that the increasing number of elderly people is a vital component of business, economic development, and an improved society. Others, however, claim that this trend has a detrimental effect on society. Although both schools of thought present compelling arguments, I agree with the latter perspective based on the arguments that I elucidate in my essay.

There are some persuasive rationales that explain why the aging population is an indispensable part of business, the economy, and society’s progression. Regarding the younger generation, as the accessibility of experience and insights is limited, they do not accumulate sufficient in-depth knowledge about the economy and business compared to the older generation. Thus, this can pose a threat to organizations, the global economy, and society. In terms of the older generation, due to the significant accumulation of life experience, they can make informed decisions for their employees. Thereby, they potentially contribute to national sustainability and societal progress.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments about the advantageous aspects of the contribution of the aging population to organizations and the citizenry, others may fear that this tendency can be detrimental. Initially, due to the demand for healthcare and workforce, the elderly are likely to maintain their pensions for a long period. Thus, this can remarkably put a strain on the national budget. Therefore, in this modern era, the younger generation is a better option for corporations and national economic development as they contribute their full energy and workforce to society. Another reason is that the aging population is always associated with a scarcity of workforce. To exemplify, many industrialized nations, especially Japan, have faced numerous cases of labor crises annually due to the ever-rising aging population, significantly leading to economic stagnation.

To recapitulate, it is irrefutable that the older generation provides a wide range of beneficial knowledge for enterprises, the national economy, and the public. However, my firm conviction is that the younger generation offers significant opportunities for societal progression thanks to their sustainable workforce contributions.