Some people believe that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. agree or disagree

In recent years, several advocates contend that wealthy individuals play a crucial role in giving assistance for other inhabitants. From my perspectives, I partly concur that they gain a prominent position to help their community.
On the one hand, in contemporary society, there are several factors that are more important than helping people. First of all, it is undeniable that wealthy individuals have compelling reasons to spend their financial budget on their own habits instead of supporting those who need help. This is because they experienced their life obstacles to achieve high social status; hence, they have viable rights to serve their demands, such as personal recreations and business operation’s projects. Secondly, generating more opportunities is not a compulsory responsibility for wealthy inhabitants, while both authorities as well as several classes in society may contribute to mitigating poverty issues. Therefore, the most vital part of giving assistance is not being considered as a top priority due to its dependence on their desires.
On the other hand, helping other individuals brings numerous tremendous benefits to rich inhabitants since it serves as a tool satisfying their spiritual lives as well as human living standards. In fact, individuals who pursue materialism tend to lack happiness than people who cultivate their fortes’ inside. Thus, they can utilize sharing as one of the reasonable methods to arouse their sense of appeasement, allowing them to enhance their joy. Furthermore, when generating chances for a person, wealthy individuals are able to take positive actions to the world since it elevates social value. To illustrate, wealthier ones may upgrade the quality of life thanks to creating employment prospects as well as raise charity’ funds to support those who encounter challenges. Hence, rich people may concentrate on other outstanding aspects instead of chasing merely handsome income, leading to their tedious feelings and wasting the true meaning of life.
In conclusion, although I agree people have several more crucial concerns than helping people who have a lack of fortune, I strongly concur wealthy individuals chasing moral values will bring their better performance.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"several advocates" -> "many proponents"
Explanation: "Advocates" is somewhat informal for academic writing. "Proponents" is a more formal and appropriate term to use here.
"From my perspectives" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "From my perspectives" is grammatically incorrect. "In my view" is a more precise and formal way to introduce personal opinion.
"partly concur" -> "partially agree"
Explanation: "Partly concur" is a bit informal. "Partially agree" maintains a formal tone while expressing agreement to a certain extent.
"there are several factors that are more important than helping people" -> "other considerations take precedence over altruism"
Explanation: The original phrase is quite broad and lacks specificity. "Other considerations take precedence over altruism" is a more precise and formal way to express this idea.
"wealthy individuals have compelling reasons" -> "affluent individuals have compelling rationales"
Explanation: "Reasons" is a common word and can be replaced with a more sophisticated term like "rationales" in academic writing.
"spend their financial budget" -> "allocate their financial resources"
Explanation: "Spend their financial budget" is redundant. "Allocate their financial resources" is a more concise and formal alternative.
"they experienced their life obstacles" -> "they have faced significant life challenges"
Explanation: "They experienced their life obstacles" is awkward phrasing. "They have faced significant life challenges" is more grammatically correct and formal.
"hence" -> "thus"
Explanation: "Hence" is slightly informal; "thus" is more suitable for academic writing.
"viable rights" -> "legitimate rights"
Explanation: "Viable rights" is not a common phrase. "Legitimate rights" is more appropriate in this context.
"personal recreations" -> "personal pursuits"
Explanation: "Personal recreations" is a bit informal. "Personal pursuits" is a more formal and appropriate term here.
"business operation’s projects" -> "business ventures"
Explanation: "Business operation’s projects" is redundant and awkward. "Business ventures" is a more concise and appropriate term.
"not a compulsory responsibility" -> "not an obligatory duty"
Explanation: "Compulsory responsibility" is not standard terminology. "Obligatory duty" is a more formal and precise expression.
"wealthy inhabitants" -> "affluent individuals"
Explanation: "Wealthy inhabitants" is somewhat informal. "Affluent individuals" is a more formal term.
"the most vital part of giving assistance" -> "the primary aspect of providing aid"
Explanation: "Most vital part of giving assistance" can be simplified and made more formal as "the primary aspect of providing aid."
"since it serves as a tool satisfying their spiritual lives as well as human living standards" -> "as it serves to fulfill their spiritual and humanitarian needs"
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and unclear. The suggested alternative is more concise and clear in conveying the same meaning.
"individuals who pursue materialism tend to lack happiness than people who cultivate their fortes’ inside" -> "those who prioritize materialism often experience less happiness compared to those who nurture their inner strengths"
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The suggested alternative is clearer and maintains a formal tone.
"utilize sharing" -> "employ sharing"
Explanation: "Utilize sharing" is a bit awkward. "Employ sharing" is a more appropriate and formal phrase.
"arouse their sense of appeasement" -> "evoke a sense of contentment"
Explanation: "Arouse their sense of appeasement" is not a common expression. "Evoke a sense of contentment" is clearer and more formal.
"positive actions to the world" -> "positive contributions to society"
Explanation: "Positive actions to the world" is ambiguous. "Positive contributions to society" is a clearer and more specific phrase.
"merely handsome income" -> "mere wealth"
Explanation: "Merely handsome income" is a bit informal. "Mere wealth" is a more formal and appropriate term.
"tedious feelings" -> "feelings of ennui"
Explanation: "Tedious feelings" is not a standard phrase. "Feelings of ennui" is a more precise and formal expression.
"wasting the true meaning of life" -> "losing sight of life’s true purpose"
Explanation: "Wasting the true meaning of life" is vague. "Losing sight of life’s true purpose" is more specific and formal.
"although I agree people have several more crucial concerns than helping people who have a lack of fortune" -> "while acknowledging that people have numerous pressing concerns beyond aiding the less fortunate"
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise.
"I strongly concur wealthy individuals chasing moral values will bring their better performance" -> "I strongly believe that affluent individuals prioritizing moral values will enhance their overall performance"
Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and lacks precision. The suggested alternative is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the role of wealthy individuals in assisting others but also discusses factors that may prioritize personal needs over altruism. While it does recognize the importance of helping others, it suggests that it is not a top priority for the wealthy.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure a more comprehensive analysis of both agreeing and disagreeing with the statement. The essay could explore nuances such as situations where helping others might be prioritized over personal interests and elaborate on the balance between individual rights and societal responsibilities.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a relatively clear position throughout, expressing partial agreement with the idea that being rich offers opportunities to help others. However, the stance becomes somewhat ambiguous in the conclusion where it suggests a stronger agreement with wealthy individuals pursuing moral values.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay. Avoid introducing conflicting viewpoints in the conclusion that may dilute the essay’s argument. Instead, reinforce the main position articulated in the introduction and body paragraphs.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in their development and support. It mentions reasons why wealthy individuals may prioritize personal needs over helping others and briefly discusses the benefits of assisting others, but these points lack elaboration and supporting evidence.
- How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, extend each point with examples, evidence, or logical reasoning. Provide specific instances or statistics to illustrate the challenges faced by those in need and the impact of wealthy individuals’ assistance. Strengthen the argument by elaborating on how helping others contributes to societal well-being and personal fulfillment.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the role of wealth in assisting others. However, it briefly veers off topic when discussing the pursuit of materialism and happiness, which is tangential to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, avoid introducing tangential points that detract from the main argument. Keep the discussion centered on the relationship between wealth and its potential for aiding others, ensuring that each point directly contributes to addressing the essay prompt.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a partial understanding of the prompt and presents some relevant points, there is room for improvement in addressing all aspects of the question, maintaining a clear position, elaborating on ideas, and staying consistently focused on the topic. Strengthening these areas can enhance the coherence, depth, and persuasiveness of the argument, potentially leading to a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance, followed by two main body paragraphs presenting contrasting viewpoints. The first paragraph discusses reasons why wealthy individuals may prioritize personal interests over helping others, while the second paragraph argues for the benefits of assisting others for the wealthy. Finally, the conclusion summarizes the writer’s position. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother to improve coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively signal shifts between contrasting arguments. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to maintain clarity and coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into four paragraphs: an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the essay prompt, contributing to the overall structure and coherence. However, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, leading to occasional lack of clarity.
- How to improve: Aim for more consistent paragraphing by focusing each paragraph on a single main idea or argument. This will improve readability and help the reader follow the essay’s logic more easily. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to ensure that each idea is adequately developed and supported.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. For instance, transitional phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" signal shifts between contrasting arguments, contributing to logical progression. Additionally, cohesive devices like pronouns ("this," "it," "they") and conjunctions ("while," "since," "thus") are used effectively to link sentences and ideas within paragraphs.
- How to improve: While the essay already utilizes cohesive devices effectively, further diversification could strengthen coherence. Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as synonyms, parallel structures, and repetition of key terms, to reinforce connections between ideas and improve overall cohesion. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable breadth of vocabulary, incorporating a variety of terms to express ideas. For instance, phrases like "compelling reasons," "high social status," "viable rights," "mitigating poverty issues," "cultivate their fortes," and "arouse their sense of appeasement" showcase a diverse lexical range. These lexical choices contribute to the richness of expression and help convey nuanced meanings.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more specialized vocabulary related to the topic at hand. For instance, specific terms related to philanthropy, socio-economic disparity, altruism, and ethical responsibility could enrich the discussion. Additionally, strive for consistency in vocabulary usage to maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision, effectively conveying ideas. However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise to enhance clarity. For example, in the phrase "spend their financial budget," "financial resources" or "financial assets" might be more precise alternatives. Similarly, replacing "chasing moral values" with "pursuing moral values" could improve precision.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meanings of words and phrases used in the essay. When expressing ideas, choose terms that accurately reflect the intended message to avoid ambiguity. Utilize a thesaurus or reference materials to explore alternative vocabulary options and select the most fitting terms for each context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay, with no glaring errors observed. Words are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To continue ensuring spelling accuracy, consider employing spell-check tools or proofreading techniques to identify and rectify any potential spelling errors. Additionally, reviewing commonly misspelled words and practicing their correct usage can help reinforce spelling proficiency over time. Regularly proofread written work to catch any overlooked errors and refine spelling skills further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and simple sentences. For instance, the essay employs complex structures such as, "On the one hand, in contemporary society, there are several factors that are more important than helping people," and compound sentences like, "Thus, they can utilize sharing as one of the reasonable methods to arouse their sense of appeasement, allowing them to enhance their joy."
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s sentence variety, consider incorporating more rhetorical devices such as parallelism, rhetorical questions, or inverted sentences. Additionally, varying the length of sentences can enhance the overall flow and engagement of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate and proficient command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies that slightly affect clarity and precision. For example, "First of all, it is undeniable that wealthy individuals have compelling reasons to spend their financial budget on their own habits instead of supporting those who need help," could be improved by restructuring for clarity: "Firstly, it is undeniable that wealthy individuals have compelling reasons to spend their financial resources on personal pursuits rather than on supporting those in need."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and sentence structure coherence. Additionally, ensure proper punctuation usage, especially regarding commas and apostrophes. Proofreading the essay thoroughly can help identify and rectify any remaining grammatical errors or punctuation inconsistencies.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, showcasing a variety of sentence structures and generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. By incorporating more diverse sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy and punctuation consistency, the essay could further elevate its effectiveness and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, many proponents argue that affluent individuals play a crucial role in providing assistance to others. In my view, I partially agree that they have a significant opportunity to support their community.

On the one hand, in contemporary society, there are many factors that are deemed more important than aiding others. Firstly, it is undeniable that affluent individuals have compelling reasons to allocate their financial resources towards their personal pursuits rather than aiding those in need. This is because they have faced significant life challenges to attain their social status; thus, they have legitimate rights to pursue their own interests, such as personal hobbies and business ventures. Secondly, providing aid is not an obligatory duty for affluent individuals, as both governmental authorities and various societal classes can contribute to addressing poverty issues. Therefore, the primary aspect of providing aid is not given top priority due to its dependence on their personal desires.

On the other hand, assisting others brings numerous benefits to wealthy individuals as it serves to fulfill their spiritual and humanitarian needs. In fact, those who prioritize materialism often experience less happiness compared to those who nurture their inner strengths. Thus, they can employ sharing as a means to evoke a sense of contentment, thereby enhancing their overall well-being. Furthermore, by creating opportunities for others, affluent individuals can make positive contributions to society by improving the quality of life and supporting those facing challenges. Consequently, focusing on aspects beyond mere wealth prevents feelings of ennui and ensures a meaningful life.

In conclusion, while acknowledging that people have numerous pressing concerns beyond aiding the less fortunate, I strongly believe that affluent individuals prioritizing moral values will enhance their overall performance.