Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are several reasons why I agree with the idea of organizing charity work for high school students. First, this can make a real difference to students’ circle of friends. They can make more friends and connections with those who have the same interests. Second, volunteering has a significant impact on students’ development. It broadens their practical knowledge and enhances their social skills, which can also improve their job prospects in the future. Finally, engaging in voluntary activities is a crucial factor in helping students improve both their physical and mental health. Students have the opportunity to engage in healthy exercise and to unwind their minds after a hard time studying.

On the other hand, this scheme of compulsory and unpaid work can pose a threat to students. Students nowadays are often overwhelmed by hectic schedules at school; they even don’t have enough time for rest. As a result, there is little time for schools to organize more voluntary activities. In addition, volunteering is a risk factor for lowering students’ performance in other core academic subjects like maths, physics, or languages. Students may feel forced to do these unpaid tasks, which can easily lead to a loss of motivation, causing the productivity of these activities to decline.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "There are several reasons why I agree with the idea of organizing charity work for high school students." -> "Several reasons support the notion of organizing charity work for high school students."
   Explanation: Removing the first-person perspective ("I agree") enhances the objectivity and formality of the statement, aligning better with academic writing standards.

2. "this can make a real difference to students’ circle of friends" -> "this can significantly expand students’ social circles"
   Explanation: "Significantly expand" is more precise and formal than "make a real difference," and "social circles" is a more specific term than "circle of friends."

3. "They can make more friends and connections with those who have the same interests." -> "They can establish connections with peers sharing similar interests."
   Explanation: "Establish connections" is more formal and precise than "make more friends," and "peers sharing similar interests" is a more academic way to describe individuals with common interests.

4. "volunteering has a significant impact on students’ development" -> "volunteering significantly influences students’ development"
   Explanation: "Influences" is a more academic term than "has an impact," and using "students’" instead of "students" is grammatically correct.

5. "It broadens their practical knowledge and enhances their social skills" -> "It expands their practical knowledge and enhances their social skills"
   Explanation: "Expands" is a more formal synonym for "broadens," and the phrase is grammatically correct.

6. "which can also improve their job prospects in the future" -> "which may also enhance their future career prospects"
   Explanation: "Enhance" is more formal than "improve," and "career prospects" is a more specific term than "job prospects."

7. "engaging in voluntary activities is a crucial factor in helping students improve both their physical and mental health" -> "participation in voluntary activities is a crucial factor in promoting both physical and mental well-being among students"
   Explanation: "Promoting" is more formal than "helping," and "well-being" is a more precise term than "health."

8. "Students nowadays are often overwhelmed by hectic schedules at school; they even don’t have enough time for rest." -> "Students often face overwhelming school schedules, leaving them with insufficient time for rest."
   Explanation: Removing the contraction "don’t" and rephrasing the sentence improves formality and clarity.

9. "there is little time for schools to organize more voluntary activities" -> "there is insufficient time for schools to organize additional voluntary activities"
   Explanation: "Insufficient" is more formal than "little," and "additional" is more precise than "more."

10. "volunteering is a risk factor for lowering students’ performance in other core academic subjects" -> "volunteering may negatively impact students’ performance in core academic subjects"
    Explanation: "May negatively impact" is a more precise and formal way to express potential negative effects, and "core academic subjects" is a more specific term than "other core academic subjects."

11. "Students may feel forced to do these unpaid tasks" -> "Students may feel compelled to undertake these unpaid tasks"
    Explanation: "Compelled" is a more formal synonym for "forced," and "undertake" is more academically appropriate than "do."

12. "causing the productivity of these activities to decline" -> "resulting in a decline in the productivity of these activities"
    Explanation: "Resulting in" is a more formal transitional phrase than "causing," and the passive voice enhances the formality of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting arguments both in favor of and against compulsory unpaid community service for high school students. However, it does not explicitly state the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the idea, which is a critical component of the task. The essay leans towards agreement but lacks a clear, definitive stance.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clearly articulate their position at the beginning of the essay and reinforce it throughout. A direct statement such as "I strongly agree that unpaid community service should be compulsory" or "I partially agree with this idea" would clarify the author’s stance. Additionally, providing a brief overview of the main points that will be discussed can help guide the reader.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay presents arguments for both sides, the position is not consistently clear. The introduction suggests agreement, but the body includes significant counterarguments without a strong connection back to the author’s initial stance. This inconsistency can confuse the reader regarding the author’s true position.
  • How to improve: The author should maintain a clear position by integrating their viewpoint into each paragraph. For instance, after presenting counterarguments, the author could counter these points with a reaffirmation of their stance, explaining why the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Using phrases like "Despite these concerns, I believe…" can help maintain clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of community service, such as social connections, personal development, and health benefits. However, these points are not fully developed or supported with specific examples or evidence. The counterarguments are also introduced but lack depth and supporting details.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should elaborate on each point with specific examples or anecdotes. For instance, discussing a particular community service project and its impact on students or citing studies that show the benefits of volunteering can provide the necessary support. Additionally, the author could explore the counterarguments more thoroughly, perhaps by discussing potential solutions to the issues raised.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally remains on topic, discussing the implications of compulsory community service for high school students. However, the mention of students’ performance in core academic subjects could be more directly tied to the main argument. The transition between points could also be smoother to maintain focus.
  • How to improve: To ensure that the essay stays focused, the author should consistently relate each point back to the central question of whether unpaid community service should be compulsory. Using topic sentences that clearly link back to the main argument at the start of each paragraph can help maintain relevance. Additionally, ensuring that each counterpoint is directly addressed in relation to the author’s position will enhance coherence.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the author should clearly state their position, develop and support their ideas with specific examples, and maintain focus on the prompt throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of compulsory unpaid community service, followed by a counterargument. The structure is logical, with the first paragraph outlining the benefits of volunteering and the second addressing potential drawbacks. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" serves as a basic transition but does not effectively link the two contrasting ideas. The points made in the first paragraph are relevant and well-articulated, but the second paragraph could benefit from a more explicit connection to the first.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that not only indicate contrast but also relate the ideas more closely. For example, after discussing the benefits, you could introduce the counterargument with a phrase like, "Despite these advantages, there are significant concerns that must be addressed." This would create a clearer relationship between the two paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the positive impacts of community service, while the second addresses the potential downsides. Each paragraph is coherent, with a clear main idea. However, the second paragraph could be further developed to ensure that it is as robust as the first, as it currently feels somewhat less detailed.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, consider expanding the second paragraph with additional examples or elaboration on the points made. For instance, when discussing the risk of lowered academic performance, you could provide specific examples of how community service might interfere with study time or mention studies that support this claim. This would not only strengthen the argument but also provide a more balanced view.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "finally," to structure the points in the first paragraph. However, the use of cohesive devices in the second paragraph is limited. Phrases like "in addition" and "as a result" are present, but the overall range of devices could be more varied to enhance the flow of ideas. The essay could benefit from more sophisticated cohesive devices that indicate relationships between ideas, such as "conversely," "however," or "furthermore."
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, when introducing the counterargument, you could use "Conversely," or "On the flip side," to create a stronger contrast. Additionally, consider using phrases that summarize or emphasize points, such as "This highlights the importance of…" or "Ultimately, the implications of this are significant." This will help create a more fluid reading experience and strengthen the connections between your ideas.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion, demonstrating a more sophisticated understanding of logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "charity work," "volunteering," "development," and "social skills." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "students" and "volunteering." For example, the phrase "engaging in voluntary activities" could have been varied with synonyms or related terms to enhance the lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and related vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "students," alternatives like "pupils," "learners," or "youth" could be employed. Additionally, using more specific terms related to the context of community service, such as "community engagement," "philanthropy," or "social responsibility," would enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "make a real difference to students’ circle of friends" could be more clearly articulated as "enhance students’ social networks." Additionally, the term "risk factor" in the context of volunteering could be misleading, as it implies a negative connotation that may not accurately reflect the overall benefits of community service.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey the intended meaning more clearly. For example, instead of "risk factor," consider using "challenge" or "potential drawback" when discussing the negative aspects of compulsory volunteering. This would clarify the argument and avoid potential misunderstandings.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no significant errors that detract from the overall readability. Words such as "compulsory," "volunteering," and "performance" are spelled correctly, which reflects a good command of basic spelling conventions.
  • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should regularly practice writing and proofreading their work. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in exercises that focus on commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, reading more extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of lexical variety, precision, and consistent spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, choosing words more carefully, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their overall lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "Students have the opportunity to engage in healthy exercise and to unwind their minds after a hard time studying" showcases an ability to connect ideas effectively. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "this can make a real difference to students’ circle of friends" is straightforward and could be enhanced with more sophisticated constructions.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases or clauses. For instance, instead of starting with "First," you could use "To begin with," or "Initially," which can add a different rhythm to the writing. Additionally, using passive voice or conditional sentences can also enhance the complexity of your writing. For example, instead of saying "Students may feel forced to do these unpaid tasks," you could say, "It is possible that students might feel compelled to engage in these unpaid tasks," which adds variety.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "they even don’t have enough time for rest" could be more accurately phrased as "they often do not have enough time to rest." This reflects a slight awkwardness in phrasing. Punctuation is mostly correct, but the use of semicolons could improve clarity in some sentences, such as in the transition between contrasting ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay attention to common pitfalls such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, ensure that phrases like "the productivity of these activities to decline" are correctly structured; it should be "the productivity of these activities declines." Additionally, practice using punctuation marks effectively, especially semicolons and commas, to separate independent clauses and clarify complex ideas. For example, consider restructuring sentences to use semicolons where appropriate, such as "Students nowadays are often overwhelmed by hectic schedules at school; they even do not have enough time to rest."

By focusing on these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are several reasons why I agree with the idea of organizing charity work for high school students. First, this can make a real difference to students’ circles of friends. They can establish connections with peers who share similar interests. Second, volunteering significantly influences students’ development. It expands their practical knowledge and enhances their social skills, which may also improve their future career prospects. Finally, participation in voluntary activities is a crucial factor in promoting both physical and mental well-being among students. They have the opportunity to engage in healthy exercise and to unwind their minds after a hard time studying.

On the other hand, this scheme of compulsory and unpaid work can pose a threat to students. Students nowadays are often overwhelmed by hectic schedules at school; they even don’t have enough time for rest. As a result, there is insufficient time for schools to organize additional voluntary activities. In addition, volunteering may negatively impact students’ performance in core academic subjects like maths, physics, or languages. Students may feel compelled to undertake these unpaid tasks, resulting in a decline in the productivity of these activities.