Some people believe that what children watch on television influences their behavior. Others say that amount of time spent watching television influences their behavior. Discuss both views and give own opinion.

In the contemporary era, it is believed by many that TV programmes can change how youngsters behave, while others argue that how long they watch contribute significantly to this trend. This essay will strive to analyze both sides of this argument and from my perspective, each of these views have their own merits and demerits.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why teenagers’ behaviours are likely to be influenced by what is shown on television. Firstly, if people can get access to educative channels, they are supposed to obtain an immense amount of knowledge about different things. For example, English podcasts on television might instruct individuals on daily conversations, while some discovery channels, such as National Geographic tend to show a child ample creatures which are not available in their areas. Consequently, the young generation are encouraged to develop various perspectives and curiosity about innovative things around them, which are essential for personal and professional growth. By contrast, a young person mind can be detrimentally affected when accessing to illegal TV programmes, as their brain are still growing, so observing these can lower their awareness of the rights and wrongs.
On the other hand, it is certain that the amount of time spent on this activity can change ones’ behaviors. Recent research has shown that teenagers are more addicted to television because there have been many attractive shows with the presence of some celebrities that they admire. Therefore, unless their schedule is strictly monitored, they are prone to expand their TV-watching duration dramatically and limit the physical exercises, which simultaneously leads to several health matters, such as obesity.
In conclusion, I would argue that both TV shows and the amount of time spent on watching them can significantly change how children behave in various situations. Therefore, it is advisable that parents should appropriately control these two matters so that the offsprings’ minds and behaviors can effectively be developed.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"it is believed by many" -> "it is widely believed"
Explanation: "It is widely believed" is a more concise and formal expression that enhances the academic tone of the sentence.
"how youngsters behave" -> "the behavior of young people"
Explanation: "The behavior of young people" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial term "youngsters."
"how long they watch contribute significantly" -> "the duration of their viewing contributes significantly"
Explanation: "The duration of their viewing" is a more precise and formal way to refer to the length of time spent watching TV.
"strive to analyze" -> "endeavor to analyze"
Explanation: "Endeavor to analyze" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "strive to analyze."
"each of these views have their own merits and demerits" -> "each of these perspectives has its own merits and demerits"
Explanation: "Perspectives" is more specific and formal than "views," and "has" is the correct subject-verb agreement for the singular noun "perspective."
"if people can get access to" -> "if individuals have access to"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "have access to" is a more standard phrase than "can get access to."
"they are supposed to obtain" -> "they are expected to acquire"
Explanation: "Expected to acquire" is more precise and formal than "supposed to obtain."
"an immense amount of knowledge" -> "a significant amount of knowledge"
Explanation: "A significant amount" is more precise and less hyperbolic than "an immense amount," which can be seen as exaggerated.
"tend to show a child ample creatures" -> "often feature a variety of creatures"
Explanation: "Feature a variety of creatures" is more precise and formal than "show a child ample creatures," which is awkward and unclear.
"the young generation are encouraged" -> "young people are encouraged"
Explanation: "Young people" is grammatically correct and more formal than "the young generation."
"a young person mind" -> "a young person’s mind"
Explanation: Adding the possessive "s" corrects the grammatical error and makes the phrase more formal.
"observing these can lower" -> "viewing these can diminish"
Explanation: "Diminish" is a more formal and precise term than "lower" in this context, referring to the impact on awareness.
"Recent research has shown" -> "Recent studies have demonstrated"
Explanation: "Studies have demonstrated" is more formal and academically appropriate than "research has shown."
"there have been many attractive shows" -> "there are numerous engaging programs"
Explanation: "Engaging programs" is a more formal and precise term than "attractive shows," which is vague and informal.
"unless their schedule is strictly monitored" -> "unless their schedules are closely monitored"
Explanation: "Schedules are closely monitored" is grammatically correct and more formal than "schedule is strictly monitored."
"they are prone to expand" -> "they are likely to increase"
Explanation: "Likely to increase" is a more formal and precise expression than "prone to expand," which is less commonly used in formal writing.
"limit the physical exercises" -> "reduce physical activity"
Explanation: "Reduce physical activity" is a more precise and formal way to describe the reduction of exercise.
"which simultaneously leads to several health matters" -> "which simultaneously leads to various health issues"
Explanation: "Various health issues" is a more formal and precise term than "several health matters."
"the offsprings’ minds and behaviors" -> "the minds and behaviors of offspring"
Explanation: "The minds and behaviors of offspring" is grammatically correct and more formal than "the offsprings’ minds and behaviors."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views presented in the prompt: the influence of content and the influence of viewing time. The first body paragraph discusses how the nature of television programs can impact children’s behavior positively and negatively, while the second body paragraph focuses on the implications of excessive viewing time. However, the discussion could be more balanced; the first view is explored in more depth than the second, which could lead to a perception of bias.
- How to improve: To enhance the balance of the essay, ensure that both perspectives are given equal weight. This could involve expanding the discussion on the effects of viewing time, perhaps by providing more examples or evidence, similar to how the first viewpoint was elaborated.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author’s position is somewhat clear in the conclusion, where they state that both factors significantly influence behavior. However, the introduction could be more definitive in stating the author’s stance. The phrase "each of these views have their own merits and demerits" is vague and does not clearly indicate a preference.
- How to improve: To present a clearer position, the introduction should explicitly state whether the author believes one factor is more influential than the other or if they see them as equally important. Additionally, reiterating this position in the conclusion can reinforce clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas and supports them with examples, such as the mention of educational channels and the potential negative impact of illegal programs. However, the support for the second viewpoint regarding the amount of time spent watching television is less developed and lacks specific examples or research.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should include more specific examples or statistics related to the impact of excessive television watching. This could involve referencing studies on screen time and its effects on health or behavior, which would lend credibility and depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the influences of both television content and viewing time. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For instance, the mention of "physical exercises" in the context of excessive viewing time could be elaborated further to connect it back to behavioral influences more clearly.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates back to the influence on behavior. Avoid introducing ideas that may distract from the main argument, such as the general mention of health issues without tying them back to behavioral changes in children.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a reasonable argument, addressing these areas for improvement could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument. For instance, the first paragraph discusses the influence of content, while the second addresses the impact of viewing time. However, the logical progression between ideas could be enhanced; some transitions between sentences feel abrupt, which can disrupt the flow of information.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit transitional phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the positive influences of educational content, a transition like "Conversely" could better introduce the negative effects of inappropriate content. Additionally, ensuring that each point directly relates back to the main argument will strengthen coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph is focused on a specific viewpoint, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly states that it will discuss the positive influences of television content.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. This will guide the reader and provide a stronger framework for the subsequent discussion. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph concludes with a sentence that summarizes the key point or links back to the overall argument, reinforcing coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "For example," and "On the other hand," which help to organize thoughts and indicate shifts in perspective. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be more explicit. For instance, the phrase "By contrast" is used, but the relationship between the ideas could be clarified further to enhance understanding.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Moreover," and "Consequently." This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help to maintain cohesion without repetitive phrasing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced discussion. By focusing on improving logical flow, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "contemporary era," "educative channels," "immense amount of knowledge," and "detrimentally affected." These phrases indicate a solid understanding of the topic and the ability to express nuanced ideas. However, some vocabulary choices are somewhat repetitive or could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "young generation" is used, but alternatives like "youth" or "children" could enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "television," they might consider "TV," "broadcast," or "screen time." Additionally, using more idiomatic expressions or collocations could enrich the language further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "access to illegal TV programmes" could be better articulated as "exposure to inappropriate content," which conveys the idea more clearly. Additionally, "a child ample creatures" is awkwardly phrased and could be revised to "a child is exposed to a variety of creatures."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on context when selecting vocabulary. They could practice paraphrasing sentences to find more suitable words that convey the intended meaning without ambiguity. Engaging with academic writing or vocabulary exercises could also help refine their word choice.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, "behaviours" is spelled correctly in British English, but if the writer intends to use American English, it should be "behaviors." Additionally, "accessing to illegal TV programmes" should be corrected to "accessing illegal TV programmes." The phrase "the young generation are encouraged" should be "the young generation is encouraged" to maintain subject-verb agreement.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and ensuring consistency in language variety (British vs. American English). Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing writing can also help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a band score of 7, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, refining word choice for clarity, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "On the one hand, there are several reasons why teenagers’ behaviours are likely to be influenced by what is shown on television" effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "if people can get access to educative channels," adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as varied subordinate clauses or more advanced linking phrases.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and transition words. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "On the one hand" or "Firstly," consider using phrases like "To begin with," or "In contrast," which can enhance the flow and coherence of the essay. Additionally, experimenting with different sentence lengths and types (e.g., using more compound-complex sentences) can enrich the writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, in the phrase "how long they watch contribute significantly to this trend," the subject-verb agreement is incorrect; it should be "contributes." Furthermore, the phrase "accessing to illegal TV programmes" is awkward and should be revised to "access illegal TV programmes." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are some missing commas, such as before "which are essential for personal and professional growth," which would help clarify the sentence structure.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors can help ensure that sentences are clear and well-structured. Reading the essay aloud may also help identify areas where punctuation is needed for better clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the highlighted areas for improvement could elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, it is widely believed by many that TV programmes can change how youngsters behave, while others argue that the amount of time spent watching television contributes significantly to this trend. This essay will endeavor to analyze both sides of this argument, and from my perspective, each of these views has its own merits and demerits.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why teenagers’ behaviors are likely to be influenced by what is shown on television. Firstly, if individuals have access to educational channels, they are expected to acquire a significant amount of knowledge about different topics. For example, English podcasts on television might instruct individuals on daily conversations, while some discovery channels, such as National Geographic, tend to feature a variety of creatures that are not available in their areas. Consequently, the young generation is encouraged to develop various perspectives and curiosity about innovative things around them, which are essential for personal and professional growth. By contrast, a young person’s mind can be detrimentally affected when accessing illegal TV programmes, as their brains are still growing, so viewing these can diminish their awareness of right and wrong.

On the other hand, it is certain that the amount of time spent on this activity can change one’s behaviors. Recent studies have demonstrated that teenagers are more addicted to television because there are numerous engaging programs featuring some celebrities that they admire. Therefore, unless their schedules are closely monitored, they are likely to increase their TV-watching duration dramatically and reduce physical activity, which simultaneously leads to various health issues, such as obesity.

In conclusion, I would argue that both TV shows and the duration of their viewing can significantly change how children behave in various situations. Therefore, it is advisable that parents should appropriately control these two matters so that the minds and behaviors of their offspring can effectively be developed.