Some people believe that what children watch on television influences their behaviour. Others say that amount of time spent watching television influences their behaviour. Discuss both views and give own opinion.

These days, a number of people argue that children’s behavior is reflective of the duration of watching TV, others, however, oppose them and imply that the contents are more determinative. In this essay, I will examine both viewpoints and explain why I lean towards the latter.

On the one hand, there are two primary reasons why some people feel that the amount of time spent watching television affect children’s moral. The first one is its effects on children’s mental health. This is simply because staring at the electricity devices brings detrimental effects to teenagers who will get health problems as headache. For instance, a children with tired mind with definitely have negative behaviors. Furthermore, if adolescents watch positive contents making them being addicted. He will spent most of the time watching TV instead of doing others essential things as exercises, communication with others, and so on. Evidently, the amount of time they spent watching tv has detrimental effects to their behaviors.

On the other hand, I side with those who believe children’s behavior is affected by what they watch on TV including several distinct contents. This is simply because exposing to negative images for a long period of time make them have a tendency to replicate the things that have watched. Take Duong Tran Bao Thu, a 14 years old teenager, as an example. He committed stolen the luxury stores, he then admitted watching lots of TV programmes about thiefs and being attracted to this content. If adolescents consume positive contents, furthermore, brings beneficial effects to their virtues. It is undobtful that they will be motivated to do the great things to the communities when watching positive TV programmes.

In conclusion, both viewpoints are valid to some extent, I still opine that what children watch on tv affect their morals.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"These days" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "These days" is a bit informal for an academic essay. "Currently" is more suitable and maintains the intended meaning.
"number of people" -> "many individuals"
Explanation: "Number of people" is somewhat vague and lacks precision. "Many individuals" is more specific and aligns better with academic style.
"argue" -> "assert"
Explanation: "Argue" can sometimes imply a confrontational tone. "Assert" is a more neutral and formal term for presenting viewpoints in academic writing.
"reflective of" -> "affected by"
Explanation: "Reflective of" is less precise here. "Affected by" clarifies the relationship between children’s behavior and TV watching more effectively.
"duration of watching TV" -> "amount of TV viewing"
Explanation: "Duration of watching TV" is awkwardly phrased. "Amount of TV viewing" is clearer and more concise.
"oppose them" -> "disagree with them"
Explanation: "Oppose them" is slightly informal. "Disagree with them" is a more formal alternative.
"imply" -> "argue"
Explanation: "Imply" suggests a less direct assertion. "Argue" is more definitive and appropriate in this context.
"lean towards" -> "favor"
Explanation: "Lean towards" is informal. "Favor" is a more appropriate term for expressing preference in academic writing.
"primary reasons" -> "main factors"
Explanation: "Primary reasons" is somewhat redundant. "Main factors" is a more concise and precise alternative.
"detrimental effects" -> "negative consequences"
Explanation: "Detrimental effects" is slightly repetitive. "Negative consequences" conveys the same meaning in a more direct manner.
"staring at the electricity devices" -> "excessive screen time"
Explanation: "Staring at the electricity devices" is unclear and awkward. "Excessive screen time" is a clearer and more concise description.
"teenagers who will get health problems as headache" -> "teenagers, leading to health issues such as headaches"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and proper grammar. The suggested alternative provides a clearer structure and specifies the health issue.
"a children with tired mind with definitely have negative behaviors" -> "children with tired minds will likely exhibit negative behaviors"
Explanation: The original phrase contains grammatical errors and awkward wording. The suggested alternative improves clarity and structure.
"others essential things" -> "other essential activities"
Explanation: "Others essential things" is grammatically incorrect. "Other essential activities" is a more precise and grammatically correct alternative.
"spent most of the time" -> "spend the majority of their time"
Explanation: "Spent most of the time" is grammatically incorrect. "Spend the majority of their time" is more grammatically accurate and formal.
"Evidently" -> "Clearly"
Explanation: "Evidently" is a bit informal. "Clearly" maintains the same meaning while being more suitable for academic writing.
"side with" -> "align with"
Explanation: "Side with" is somewhat informal. "Align with" is a more formal alternative.
"including several distinct contents" -> "including various types of content"
Explanation: "Several distinct contents" is awkward. "Various types of content" is more concise and precise.
"tendency to replicate" -> "propensity to imitate"
Explanation: "Tendency to replicate" is slightly informal. "Propensity to imitate" is a more formal and precise term.
"stolen" -> "stole"
Explanation: "Stolen" is the incorrect tense here. "Stole" is the past tense of the verb and is more appropriate in this context.
"luxury stores" -> "luxury stores’ merchandise"
Explanation: Adding "merchandise" clarifies what was stolen and improves precision.
"he then admitted watching" -> "he admitted to watching"
Explanation: "Admitted watching" is awkward. "Admitted to watching" is the correct phrasing.
"thiefs" -> "thieves"
Explanation: "Thiefs" is misspelled. "Thieves" is the correct spelling.
"being attracted to this content" -> "being drawn to this type of content"
Explanation: "Being attracted to this content" is slightly informal. "Being drawn to this type of content" maintains formality.
"If adolescents consume positive contents" -> "If adolescents are exposed to positive content"
Explanation: "Consume positive contents" is a bit informal. "Are exposed to positive content" is more formal and precise.
"beneficial effects to their virtues" -> "positive effects on their character"
Explanation: "Beneficial effects to their virtues" is awkwardly phrased. "Positive effects on their character" is clearer and more concise.
"undobtful" -> "undoubtedly"
Explanation: "Undobtful" is misspelled. "Undoubtedly" is the correct spelling.
"great things to the communities" -> "positive contributions to their communities"
Explanation: "Great things to the communities" is vague. "Positive contributions to their communities" is more specific and formal.
"affect their morals" -> "impact their moral development"
Explanation: "Affect their morals" is slightly informal. "Impact their moral development" is a more formal and precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both perspectives outlined in the prompt, discussing the influence of both the content watched on television and the duration of television viewing on children’s behavior. However, the coverage of each viewpoint lacks depth and clarity, with more focus placed on the influence of content rather than viewing duration.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a more balanced and thorough exploration of both perspectives. Dedicate sufficient space to discuss the impact of viewing duration alongside content, providing specific examples and evidence to support each viewpoint.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, advocating for the influence of content watched on television on children’s behavior. The stance is clear, though the reasoning and evidence provided to support this position are somewhat limited and anecdotal.
- How to improve: Strengthen the clarity and depth of the position by offering more robust arguments supported by empirical evidence or relevant research. Avoid relying solely on anecdotal examples, and instead incorporate a variety of credible sources to bolster the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks thorough development and support. Examples provided are limited and somewhat superficial, such as the mention of a teenager committing theft after watching TV programs about thieves. Additionally, the ideas are not consistently extended or elaborated upon to provide a deeper understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: Enhance the presentation of ideas by providing more detailed and varied examples that effectively illustrate the points being made. Extend the discussion by delving into the complexities of the issue and offering nuanced analysis supported by relevant evidence or data.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally stays on topic by discussing the influence of television on children’s behavior, there are instances of tangential points and minor deviations. For example, the mention of health problems associated with excessive screen time briefly diverts from the central focus on behavior.
- How to improve: Maintain a stronger focus on the central theme of the prompt throughout the essay. Avoid introducing tangential issues unless they directly contribute to the discussion of the topic at hand. Keep the analysis tightly aligned with the prompt to ensure coherence and relevance.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and maintains a coherent position, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of expression, and use of supporting evidence. By providing a more balanced exploration of both perspectives, strengthening the presentation of ideas, and staying closely aligned with the topic, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines the two opposing viewpoints, followed by body paragraphs presenting arguments for each perspective. However, there are some issues with coherence. The first body paragraph discusses the impact of television on children’s behavior based on the duration of watching TV, while the second paragraph shifts focus to the influence of content on behavior. This lack of continuity disrupts the logical flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on either the duration or content of television watching. Consider restructuring the essay to discuss one perspective comprehensively before moving on to the next. Additionally, use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to organize ideas, but the structure and effectiveness are inconsistent. Each paragraph should ideally present a single main idea or argument coherently. However, some paragraphs in the essay contain multiple ideas, leading to confusion and lack of clarity. For example, the first body paragraph discusses both the impact of television on mental health and the influence of content addiction.
- How to improve: Improve paragraphing by focusing on one main idea per paragraph and ensuring a clear topic sentence that introduces the central theme. Transition smoothly between paragraphs to maintain coherence and cohesion. For instance, in the first body paragraph, separate discussions on mental health effects and content addiction into distinct paragraphs for better organization and clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. While some cohesive devices such as "This is simply because" and "Furthermore" are used, they are not consistently applied throughout the essay. Additionally, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, resulting in repetitive sentence structures.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to include a variety of conjunctions, transitions, and pronouns to link ideas within and between sentences. For example, utilize transitional phrases like "On the contrary," "Moreover," or "In conclusion" to signal shifts between opposing viewpoints or to summarize key points. Furthermore, vary sentence structures to avoid monotony and improve readability.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion in organizing ideas, there are areas for improvement to enhance clarity, logical progression, and the effective use of cohesive devices. By refining paragraph structure, maintaining a consistent focus within paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving its overall quality.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary throughout. However, there are instances where the vocabulary choices could be more diverse and nuanced. For example, there is repetition of certain terms like "children" and "TV," which could be replaced with synonyms or alternative phrases to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve lexical resource, try incorporating a broader range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. Utilize synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and varied sentence structures to enrich the essay. Additionally, consider using domain-specific terminology related to child psychology or media influence to demonstrate depth of vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempts at precise vocabulary usage, but there are instances of imprecise language and word choice errors that detract from clarity. For example, phrases like "staring at the electricity devices" and "a children with tired mind with definitely have negative behaviors" lack precision and clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, focus on selecting words that accurately convey intended meanings. Avoid ambiguous or vague terms, and strive for clarity in expression. Proofreading for clarity and coherence can help identify and rectify imprecise language.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is inconsistent. While some words are spelled correctly, there are numerous instances of spelling errors throughout the text. For instance, "undobtful" should be "undoubtful," "thiefs" should be "thieves," and "Duong Tran Bao Thu" should have consistent spelling throughout.
- How to improve: Improving spelling accuracy requires diligence in proofreading and utilizing tools such as spell checkers. Reviewing written work carefully before submission can help identify and correct spelling errors. Additionally, practicing spelling words regularly and referring to dictionaries or style guides for correct spellings can aid in improving spelling proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, there are instances of simple sentences such as "These days, a number of people argue…" and compound sentences like "Furthermore, if adolescents watch positive contents making them being addicted." Additionally, complex structures are evident, such as "On the other hand, I side with those who believe children’s behavior is affected by what they watch on TV including several distinct contents."
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using subordinate clauses or varying sentence lengths for emphasis. For example, instead of using repetitive sentence structures like "This is simply because," explore alternative ways to introduce ideas to maintain reader engagement and convey complexity more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout its entirety. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "a children with tired mind with definitely have negative behaviors"), verb tense consistency (e.g., "He will spent most of the time watching TV instead of doing others essential things"), and article usage (e.g., "watching tv has detrimental effects to their behaviors"). Additionally, punctuation errors such as missing commas before introductory phrases and incorrect punctuation within compound sentences are present (e.g., "Furthermore, if adolescents watch positive contents making them being addicted.").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is crucial to review and practice the basics of English grammar and punctuation rules. Specifically, focus on subjects and verbs agreement, verb tense consistency, proper article usage, and punctuation rules for sentence clarity and coherence. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct errors effectively. Consulting grammar guides or seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also aid in refining grammatical and punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, many individuals assert that children’s behavior is influenced by the amount of time spent watching TV, while others argue that the content they watch plays a more significant role. In this essay, I will examine both perspectives and explain why I favor the latter.

On one hand, there are two main reasons why some people believe that the duration of TV viewing affects children’s behavior. Firstly, excessive screen time can have negative consequences on children’s mental health. This is because prolonged exposure to electronic devices can lead to health issues such as headaches, especially among teenagers. For example, children with tired minds will likely exhibit negative behaviors. Additionally, if adolescents spend the majority of their time watching TV, they may neglect other essential activities like exercise and social interaction. Clearly, excessive screen time can have detrimental effects on children’s behavior.

On the other hand, I align with those who argue that children’s behavior is influenced by the content they watch on TV, including various types of programming. This is because exposure to negative content can lead to a propensity to imitate what they see. For instance, consider the case of Duong Tran Bao Thu, a 14-year-old teenager who stole merchandise from luxury stores. He admitted to watching numerous TV programs featuring thieves and being drawn to this type of content. Conversely, if adolescents are exposed to positive content, it can have positive effects on their character. They will undoubtedly be motivated to make positive contributions to their communities.

In conclusion, while both viewpoints have merit, I believe that the content children watch on TV has a significant impact on their moral development.