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Some people believe that your personality doesn’t change over time. To what extent to do you agree with this idea? Give specific examples to support your opinion

Some people believe that your personality doesn’t change over time. To what extent to do you agree with this idea? Give specific examples to support your opinion

In an ever-evolving era, our universe has changed a lot, and inevitably, humans are affected willingly or not. While it is a common assumption that personality traits are immutable, I maintain that they are fluid and capable of evolving over time.

On the one hand, it is irrefutable that characteristics are determined by genes, and it is the root and the foundation of our identity. Consequently, they are often deeply ingrained in our thoughts and behaviors, making them difficult to change. Moreover, some believe that children may develop their behavioral tendencies according to their early surroundings, including upbringing. For example, if a child is nurtured by educated and civilized parents, they tend to possess good manners and behavior which can last a lifetime, unlike those raised in toxic environments.

On the other hand, I strongly agree that personality shifts are more likely to occur over long periods of time. Firstly, due to the never-ending movement of society, people may be motivated to change themselves in order to be accepted and adapt to new conceptions, trends, and norms. Consequently, their early behaviors and individualities can be reshaped and adjusted to fit with the community. Furthermore, it is believed that from childhood to adulthood, people will go through many life stages, these can be significant events that equip people with life experiences or sentiment changes, and that lead to characteristic transitions. For example, people who experience traumatic events themselves can develop post-traumatic stress disorder, bringing changes in their character traits, such as pessimistic, and social withdrawal.

In conclusion, while I agree that human individuality can sometimes remain over time, I firmly believe that personality is not a static entity but rather a fluid and ever-changing aspect of human nature. It is recommended that people maintain their good virtues and modify their defects to become civilized citizens.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "a lot" -> "significantly"
    Explanation: Replacing "a lot" with "significantly" enhances the formality of the sentence, providing a more precise and sophisticated expression of the degree of change in the universe.

  2. "While it is a common assumption that" -> "Although commonly assumed that"
    Explanation: The suggested replacement introduces a more formal transition and reduces the informality of the original phrase, maintaining academic style.

  3. "maintain" -> "assert"
    Explanation: Substituting "maintain" with "assert" contributes to a more formal tone, aligning with the conventions of academic writing.

  4. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: The replacement introduces a more structured and formal transition, enhancing the overall organization of the paragraph.

  5. "irrefutable" -> "undeniable"
    Explanation: The term "undeniable" is a more formal synonym for "irrefutable," contributing to a more sophisticated expression of the idea.

  6. "Consequently, they are often deeply ingrained" -> "Consequently, these traits are frequently deeply ingrained"
    Explanation: The modification adds clarity and specificity to the sentence, avoiding potential ambiguity and strengthening the academic style.

  7. "Moreover, some believe that" -> "Furthermore, it is argued that"
    Explanation: The suggested replacement introduces a more formal and assertive tone, aligning with academic writing conventions.

  8. "nurtured by educated and civilized parents" -> "raised in an intellectually and culturally enriched environment"
    Explanation: The replacement uses more advanced vocabulary to convey the idea, enhancing the formality of the expression.

  9. "tend to possess good manners and behavior" -> "tend to exhibit refined manners and behavior"
    Explanation: The substitution introduces more formal and precise language, aligning with academic style.

  10. "I strongly agree that" -> "I firmly contend that"
    Explanation: Replacing "I strongly agree that" with "I firmly contend that" adds a more formal and assertive tone to the statement.

  11. "never-ending movement of society" -> "continuous evolution of society"
    Explanation: The replacement conveys the idea with more sophisticated vocabulary, enhancing the academic tone.

  12. "individualities" -> "personalities"
    Explanation: "Personalities" is a more common and academically appropriate term than "individualities."

  13. "characteristic transitions" -> "shifts in characteristics"
    Explanation: The suggested replacement maintains clarity while using a more concise and formal expression.

  14. "For example, people who experience traumatic events themselves" -> "For instance, individuals undergoing traumatic experiences"
    Explanation: The modification introduces a more formal and precise way of presenting the example.

  15. "In conclusion," -> "To conclude,"
    Explanation: "To conclude," is a more formal alternative, maintaining the academic tone of the conclusion.

  16. "It is recommended that" -> "It is advisable that"
    Explanation: The replacement introduces a more formal and authoritative tone, aligning with academic writing conventions.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay comprehensively addresses the prompt by discussing both perspectives on whether personality changes over time. It introduces the concept of genetic influence and environmental factors on personality development and offers examples to support these notions. The essay engages with the prompt by exploring the fluidity of personality traits despite acknowledging some traits remaining constant.
    • How to improve: To enhance, consider adding a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint within each argument to show a deeper understanding of contrasting perspectives. This could provide a more balanced view and further strengthen the analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance, affirming that personality is not static but evolves over time. Each paragraph reinforces this viewpoint, offering explanations and examples that consistently support the argument.
    • How to improve: To amplify, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smoother, creating a seamless flow from one idea to another. This could strengthen the coherence of the essay and further emphasize the unwavering stance presented.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-developed ideas, providing examples and explanations to support the argument. Each point introduced is extended and connected logically, offering a coherent exploration of the topic.
    • How to improve: To enrich, consider delving deeper into the societal or psychological implications of personality change. This could involve discussing more varied examples or incorporating research findings that illustrate the nuanced nature of personality evolution.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band N/A

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains relevant to the prompt throughout, consistently discussing the evolution of personality traits over time. It maintains focus on the topic without straying into unrelated areas.
    • How to improve: No improvement needed regarding relevance to the prompt.

The essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintains a clear standpoint, and supports ideas with relevant examples. To enhance, consider incorporating a deeper exploration of contrasting perspectives and further refining the transitions between ideas. Overall, it’s a well-structured and articulate response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mostly coherent arrangement of ideas with a clear overall structure. The introduction effectively introduces the topic and the author’s stance, setting the tone for the essay. The body paragraphs present arguments both in favor of and against the idea that personality remains unchanged over time. There is a logical progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph smoothly leads to the next, creating a seamless flow of ideas. Additionally, pay attention to the balance between presenting opposing viewpoints and reinforcing the author’s perspective to maintain clarity.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs effective paragraphing, and there is mostly logical sequencing of ideas within paragraphs. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: While the logical sequencing is commendable, consider providing a more explicit topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph. This will strengthen the reader’s understanding of the main point of each section, contributing to improved clarity and cohesion.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay skillfully uses cohesive devices, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. There is a variety of linking words and phrases, aiding in the smooth transition between sentences and ideas. However, there are occasional lapses where the connection between ideas is not as clear.
    • How to improve: To maintain a consistently high level of coherence, pay close attention to the use of cohesive devices in areas where lapses occur. Ensure that each sentence flows logically from the previous one, and consider employing a wider range of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a solid level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 6. To further improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, providing explicit topic sentences, and addressing occasional lapses in the use of cohesive devices. These adjustments will enhance the overall structure and flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. Examples include "immutable," "ingrained," "toxic environments," "adapt to new conceptions," and "characteristic transitions." These contribute to a varied and nuanced expression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary further, consider incorporating more advanced and contextually fitting terminology. Expanding the use of domain-specific or nuanced vocabulary can elevate the essay’s lexical richness.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally employs precise vocabulary, there are instances of less appropriate word choices. For instance, in the phrase "universe has changed a lot," "changed" could be replaced with a more specific term to enhance precision. Additionally, the term "fluid" could be more precisely replaced to convey the idea more accurately.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, carefully consider the suitability of each word in the context. Utilize terms that precisely convey the intended meaning. Thesaurus tools can assist in finding more accurate and contextually appropriate synonyms.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: While there are occasional errors in spelling, they have minimal impact on communication. Examples include "irrefutable" and "post-traumatic stress disorder." These errors do not impede the overall understanding of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay thoroughly. Pay attention to common spelling mistakes and consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools to catch any overlooked errors.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with some areas for improvement in precision. The occasional spelling errors, while minor, could be minimized with careful proofreading. To elevate the lexical resource score, aim for more nuanced vocabulary choices and heightened precision in word selection.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, including complex constructions. For instance, the introduction employs a compound-complex sentence, enhancing its sophistication. Throughout the essay, the writer effectively uses a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to convey ideas, contributing to the band characteristic.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the variety of structures, consider incorporating rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion. Experiment with different sentence lengths to maintain reader engagement. Also, strive for more intricate sentence structures in the conclusion to mirror the sophistication seen in the introduction.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only occasional minor errors. The use of complex sentence structures is generally error-free, contributing to the band characteristic. For example, the sentence "While it is a common assumption that personality traits are immutable, I maintain that they are fluid and capable of evolving over time" is well-constructed.
    • How to improve: Continue to be vigilant about minor errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Proofreading can help identify and rectify any occasional lapses in accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally well-controlled throughout the essay. Commas, periods, and other punctuation marks are appropriately used, contributing to a clear and coherent expression of ideas. The essay’s overall punctuation proficiency aligns with the characteristics of Band 7.
    • How to improve: While the punctuation is generally sound, pay extra attention to the use of commas in complex sentences. Ensure that commas are correctly placed to avoid ambiguity. Additionally, consider incorporating more advanced punctuation marks, such as em dashes or colons, where appropriate, to add variety and precision.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, aligning with a Band Score of 7. To further improve, focus on refining sentence structures in the conclusion, addressing minor grammatical errors through careful proofreading, and enhancing punctuation skills for even greater clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In our constantly changing world, where the continuous evolution of society shapes our experiences, the impact on individuals is inevitable. While it is commonly assumed that personality traits are unchanging, I maintain that they are fluid and capable of evolving over time.

On one hand, it is undeniable that our characteristics are influenced by our genes, serving as the root and foundation of our identity. Consequently, these traits are frequently deeply ingrained in our thoughts and behaviors, making them resistant to change. Moreover, some argue that children may develop their behavioral tendencies based on their early surroundings, including their upbringing. For instance, if a child is raised in an intellectually and culturally enriched environment, they tend to exhibit refined manners and behavior, qualities that may endure throughout their lifetime, unlike those raised in toxic environments.

On the other hand, I firmly contend that shifts in characteristics are more likely to occur over extended periods. Firstly, the perpetual movement of society motivates individuals to adapt to new conceptions, trends, and norms, prompting them to alter their behaviors and individualities to fit within the community. Furthermore, it is argued that as people transition from childhood to adulthood, they undergo various life stages that can bring about significant changes. For example, individuals undergoing traumatic experiences may develop post-traumatic stress disorder, leading to shifts in their character traits, such as becoming more pessimistic and socially withdrawn.

To conclude, while I acknowledge that some aspects of human individuality may persist over time, I maintain the viewpoint that personality is not a static entity but a fluid and ever-changing aspect of human nature. It is advisable that individuals strive to preserve their positive virtues while actively working to modify any shortcomings, fostering a path towards becoming more civilized citizens.

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