Some people believe the best way to deter crimes from being commited is imprisonment. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Some people believe the best way to deter crimes from being commited is imprisonment. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
There has been much controversy about whether deterring crimes by imprisonment brings more benefits or drawbacks. I, however, would contend that despite the benefits of this, there are more significant challenges. On the one hand, imprisoning offenders can bring about certain benefits. Firstly, it is an effective method to punish criminals and maintain public safety. While prisoners ought to handle a life with uncomfortable living conditions such as hard wooden beds, monotonous food, its make them to detest being sent there. Secondly, rehabilitate offenders by imprisonment is such a good approach. By equipping them with practical skills and fundamental knowledge such as computer programming, mechanical maintenance or graphic design which are vocational training. These practices lay the foundation for the reintegration into life outside the prison of inmates.
On the other hand, the disadvantages of being a prisoner should also warrant attention. One notable drawback is that imprisonment not always effectively rehabilitate offenders. The key rationale behind this is that harsh and violent environment of prison can increase feelings of resentment, hostility rather than encouraging behavioral changes as for those who are sensitive, which result can be attributed to the highly reoffend rates. Moreover, the drawbacks of imprisonment might extend to ex — offenders. The main underlying reason is social stigma. Offenders might face difficulties reintegrating into society with negative perceptions or employment barriers. Regarding to society, this issue spell trouble for finding employment and housing due to the facts that a number of individuals are having a tendency to concern about their reliability. Regarding occupation, some entrepreneurs may fearful about their company reputation when accepting an employee that used to be a prisoner.
In conclusion, despite the potential benefits of having a life as a prisoner, such as promoting public safety, rehabilitating offenders, I still believe that the drawbacks are more significant, including ineffective environment for rehabilitation and social stigma as an ex-offenders.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"There has been much controversy about whether deterring crimes by imprisonment brings more benefits or drawbacks." -> "There has been considerable debate regarding whether imprisonment as a deterrent for crime yields more benefits or drawbacks."
Explanation: The phrase "considerable debate" is more precise and formal than "much controversy," and "yielding more benefits or drawbacks" is a clearer and more academic way to express the comparison. -
"I, however, would contend that despite the benefits of this, there are more significant challenges." -> "However, I contend that despite the benefits, there are more significant challenges."
Explanation: Removing "I" from the beginning of the sentence aligns better with formal academic writing, which typically avoids the first-person pronoun unless necessary for emphasis or personal experience. -
"imprisoning offenders can bring about certain benefits" -> "imprisonment can offer certain benefits"
Explanation: "Imprisonment" is a more formal and precise term than "imprisoning offenders," which is somewhat redundant. -
"While prisoners ought to handle a life with uncomfortable living conditions such as hard wooden beds, monotonous food, its make them to detest being sent there." -> "Prisoners must endure harsh conditions, including hard wooden beds and monotonous food, which often leads to a strong dislike for imprisonment."
Explanation: "Endure" is more formal than "handle," and "leads to a strong dislike" is clearer and more precise than "make them to detest." -
"rehabilitate offenders by imprisonment is such a good approach" -> "imprisonment is a viable approach to rehabilitating offenders"
Explanation: "Viable" is more formal and precise than "such a good," which is colloquial and vague. -
"By equipping them with practical skills and fundamental knowledge such as computer programming, mechanical maintenance or graphic design which are vocational training." -> "By providing them with practical skills and fundamental knowledge such as computer programming, mechanical maintenance, and graphic design, which constitute vocational training."
Explanation: "Providing" is more formal than "equipping," and "constitute" is more precise than "are." -
"The disadvantages of being a prisoner should also warrant attention." -> "The disadvantages of imprisonment also warrant consideration."
Explanation: "Imprisonment" is the correct noun form, and "consideration" is more formal than "attention." -
"not always effectively rehabilitate offenders" -> "not always effectively rehabilitate offenders"
Explanation: This is a typographical error, correcting it to "rehabilitate" fixes the mistake. -
"The key rationale behind this is that harsh and violent environment of prison can increase feelings of resentment, hostility rather than encouraging behavioral changes as for those who are sensitive, which result can be attributed to the highly reoffend rates." -> "The key rationale behind this is that the harsh and violent prison environment can increase feelings of resentment and hostility, rather than encouraging behavioral changes in sensitive individuals, which may contribute to high recidivism rates."
Explanation: "Resentment and hostility" is more precise than "resentment, hostility," and "sensitive individuals" is clearer than "those who are sensitive." Also, "recidivism rates" is the correct term, not "reoffend rates." -
"Regarding to society, this issue spell trouble for finding employment and housing due to the facts that a number of individuals are having a tendency to concern about their reliability." -> "Regarding society, this issue poses challenges for employment and housing due to the fact that many individuals are concerned about their reliability."
Explanation: "Poses challenges" is more formal than "spell trouble," and "concerned" is more direct than "having a tendency to concern." -
"Regarding occupation, some entrepreneurs may fearful about their company reputation when accepting an employee that used to be a prisoner." -> "In the context of employment, some entrepreneurs may be fearful of the impact on their company’s reputation when hiring an ex-prisoner."
Explanation: "In the context of employment" is more formal than "Regarding occupation," and "be fearful of the impact" is clearer and more formal than "fearful about." -
"I still believe that the drawbacks are more significant" -> "I maintain that the drawbacks are more significant"
Explanation: "Maintain" is a more formal synonym for "believe," aligning better with academic style.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of imprisonment as a deterrent to crime. The writer acknowledges the benefits of imprisonment, such as punishment and potential rehabilitation, while also highlighting significant drawbacks, including ineffective rehabilitation and social stigma. However, the analysis could be more balanced, as the advantages are somewhat underdeveloped compared to the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides are equally explored. This could involve providing more specific examples or statistics to support the claims about the benefits of imprisonment. Additionally, a clearer distinction between the advantages and disadvantages could help to strengthen the overall argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer presents a clear position that the disadvantages of imprisonment outweigh the advantages. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, explicitly stating that the discussion will now shift to the disadvantages after outlining the advantages would enhance coherence.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of imprisonment. However, the support for these ideas is inconsistent. For instance, while the discussion on rehabilitation includes examples of vocational training, the section on disadvantages lacks specific examples or data to substantiate claims about reoffending rates and social stigma.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more concrete examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include referencing studies on recidivism rates or discussing specific programs that have been effective in rehabilitating offenders. Additionally, expanding on the implications of social stigma with real-world examples would strengthen the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of imprisonment as a deterrent to crime. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly convoluted, particularly in the section about social stigma, which could be more directly tied back to the main argument about deterrence.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the advantages of imprisonment outweigh the disadvantages. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each point back to the prompt and ensuring that all examples are relevant to the discussion of deterrence.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument. With improvements in balance, coherence, and support for ideas, the essay could achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, while the body paragraphs are organized to first present the benefits of imprisonment and then the drawbacks. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between the benefits and drawbacks could be more explicit to guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that summarize the main point. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "Conversely" or "In contrast" at the beginning of the second body paragraph would help signal the shift in focus from advantages to disadvantages.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be further developed. For example, the first body paragraph could benefit from clearer separation of ideas, as it combines multiple points about punishment and rehabilitation without distinct transitions.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear main idea followed by supporting sentences. Consider breaking down complex ideas into separate sentences or even separate paragraphs. For instance, the discussion of rehabilitation could be a standalone paragraph that elaborates on the methods and their effectiveness, rather than being mixed with the discussion of punishment.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "On the one hand," and "Moreover." However, there are instances where cohesion could be improved. For example, the phrase "which result can be attributed to the highly reoffend rates" lacks clarity and connection to the previous sentence, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify and improve the effectiveness of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Furthermore" to add information or "Consequently" to indicate a result can enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly connects the ideas it links; for example, rephrasing the problematic sentence to clarify its relationship to the previous point would strengthen coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the argument, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "rehabilitate," "public safety," and "social stigma" effectively used in context. However, the vocabulary usage is somewhat limited and repetitive. For example, the phrase "imprisoning offenders" is used multiple times, and synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "imprisoning offenders," alternatives like "incarcerating criminals" or "detaining individuals" could be used. Additionally, using more varied adjectives and adverbs would add depth to the writing.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "its make them to detest being sent there" is awkward and unclear. The intended meaning is lost due to grammatical errors and incorrect word forms. Similarly, "rehabilitate offenders by imprisonment is such a good approach" lacks clarity and precision.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For example, instead of "its make them to detest being sent there," a clearer expression would be, "this can lead to a strong aversion to imprisonment." Additionally, restructuring sentences for clarity will enhance the precision of vocabulary usage.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "commited" (should be "committed"), "rehabilitate" (used incorrectly as a noun), and "fearful" (should be "fearful about"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools or writing practice that focuses on commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can help improve spelling skills over time.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of lexical resource, there are clear areas for improvement. Expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling will contribute to a higher band score in this criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" helps to organize the argument. However, many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "its make them to detest being sent there," which contains grammatical errors and lacks clarity. Additionally, the essay relies heavily on basic sentence forms, which limits the overall range of grammatical structures.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "imprisoning offenders can bring about certain benefits," the writer could say, "While imprisoning offenders can bring about certain benefits, it is essential to consider the long-term implications of such a system." This not only adds complexity but also improves the flow of ideas.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, phrases like "rehabilitate offenders by imprisonment is such a good approach" are grammatically incorrect; it should be "rehabilitating offenders through imprisonment is a good approach." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences and incorrect use of conjunctions, which can confuse the reader. The phrase "Regarding to society, this issue spell trouble" should be "Regarding society, this issue spells trouble," indicating subject-verb agreement issues.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper use of prepositions, and ensuring that sentences are complete and coherent. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify and correct these common mistakes. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially for complex sentences, can enhance clarity and readability.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and attempts to use varied structures, significant grammatical and punctuation errors hinder its effectiveness. By diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy, the writer can achieve a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.
Bài sửa mẫu
There has been much controversy about whether deterring crimes through imprisonment brings more benefits or drawbacks. I, however, would contend that despite the benefits of this, there are more significant challenges. On the one hand, imprisoning offenders can bring about certain benefits. Firstly, it is an effective method to punish criminals and maintain public safety. While prisoners must endure uncomfortable living conditions such as hard wooden beds and monotonous food, this makes them detest being sent there. Secondly, rehabilitating offenders through imprisonment is a viable approach. By equipping them with practical skills and fundamental knowledge such as computer programming, mechanical maintenance, or graphic design, which constitute vocational training, these practices lay the foundation for the reintegration of inmates into life outside the prison.
On the other hand, the disadvantages of being a prisoner should also warrant attention. One notable drawback is that imprisonment does not always effectively rehabilitate offenders. The key rationale behind this is that the harsh and violent environment of prison can increase feelings of resentment and hostility, rather than encouraging behavioral changes in sensitive individuals, which can be attributed to the high recidivism rates. Moreover, the drawbacks of imprisonment might extend to ex-offenders. The main underlying reason is social stigma. Offenders might face difficulties reintegrating into society due to negative perceptions or employment barriers. Regarding society, this issue poses challenges for finding employment and housing because many individuals tend to be concerned about their reliability. In terms of employment, some entrepreneurs may be fearful of the impact on their company’s reputation when hiring an ex-prisoner.
In conclusion, despite the potential benefits of being a prisoner, such as promoting public safety and rehabilitating offenders, I still believe that the drawbacks are more significant, including an ineffective environment for rehabilitation and the social stigma faced by ex-offenders.