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Some people claim that public museums and art galleries will no longer be necessary because people can see historical objects and works of art by using a computer. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people claim that public museums and art galleries will no longer be necessary because people can see historical objects and works of art by using a computer. Do you agree or disagree?

In contemporary times, it is believed by some segments of the population that the quality of life for society in the 21st century is much better than the centuries before. I totally agree with this perspective and some major viewpoints will be discussed in the following paragraphs.
Firstly, the proliferation of medicine plays a very crucial part in the quality of human life in the modern day. For instance, during the Covid-19 pandemic, with substantial funding from the government, Vietnam has imported a lot of vaccine batches and organized periodic injections for citizens, thereby assisting many people to avoid rapid human-to-human infection. Moreover, the development in medical research can enhance public awareness about various diseases and preventive measures. This is because in this day and age, medicine has a lot of advancements, so researchers have many new findings, thereby raising citizens’ awareness about signs and methods of prevention of some diseases, reducing the risk of more severe diseases or even death.
Secondly, the great improvement of information technology has made people’s lives more convenient. For example, from my own experience, the development of technology allows me to confide my personal stories with my friends in other countries without spending a lot of time meeting in real life. In addition, this development allows people to have quick access to information. To be more specific, the Internet is always updated with the latest information both domestically and internationally, so citizens can easily access new information accurately without waiting for the publication of newspapers.
In conclusion, it is undeniable that the development of medicine today has a positive influence on human health, besides, information technology makes people's lives more convenient than previous centuries.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "I totally agree with this perspective" -> "I firmly support this viewpoint."
    Explanation: Replacing "I totally agree with this perspective" with "I firmly support this viewpoint" conveys agreement in a more formal and assertive manner.

  2. "Firstly, the proliferation of medicine" -> "First and foremost, the advancement of medicine"
    Explanation: Using "First and foremost" instead of "Firstly" adds a higher degree of formality to the essay’s structure, and "advancement of medicine" is a more precise and formal phrase than "proliferation of medicine."

  3. "plays a very crucial part" -> "plays a pivotal role"
    Explanation: "Plays a pivotal role" is a more sophisticated and academic expression than "plays a very crucial part."

  4. "For instance, during the Covid-19 pandemic" -> "For instance, amid the Covid-19 pandemic"
    Explanation: "Amid" is a more formal alternative to "during," and it enhances the essay’s academic tone.

  5. "Vietnam has imported a lot of vaccine batches" -> "Vietnam has imported numerous vaccine shipments"
    Explanation: "Numerous vaccine shipments" is a more precise and formal phrase compared to "a lot of vaccine batches."

  6. "thereby assisting many people" -> "thereby aiding a substantial number of individuals"
    Explanation: "Aiding a substantial number of individuals" is a more formal and precise expression than "assisting many people."

  7. "Moreover, the development in medical research" -> "Furthermore, advancements in medical research"
    Explanation: "Advancements in medical research" is a more academically appropriate phrase compared to "development in medical research."

  8. "can enhance public awareness" -> "can bolster public awareness"
    Explanation: "Bolster" is a more formal and descriptive word than "enhance," which adds to the essay’s academic tone.

  9. "about various diseases and preventive measures" -> "regarding various diseases and preventive measures"
    Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal term than "about" in this context.

  10. "This is because in this day and age" -> "This is because, in the present era"
    Explanation: "In this day and age" is somewhat informal, while "in the present era" is a more formal and precise alternative.

  11. "so researchers have many new findings" -> "thus, researchers have made numerous novel discoveries"
    Explanation: "Numerous novel discoveries" is a more formal and descriptive phrase compared to "many new findings."

  12. "raising citizens’ awareness" -> "heightening public awareness"
    Explanation: "Heightening public awareness" is a more formal and specific term than "raising citizens’ awareness."

  13. "about signs and methods of prevention" -> "regarding signs and methods for prevention"
    Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal choice here.

  14. "of some diseases, reducing the risk" -> "of certain diseases, mitigating the risk"
    Explanation: "Mitigating the risk" is a more formal and precise phrase than "reducing the risk."

  15. "or even death" -> "or even mortality"
    Explanation: "Mortality" is a more formal term than "death."

  16. "Secondly, the great improvement of information technology" -> "Secondly, the significant advancement in information technology"
    Explanation: "Significant advancement in information technology" is a more formal and precise phrase than "great improvement of information technology."

  17. "from my own experience" -> "based on my personal experience"
    Explanation: "Based on my personal experience" is a more formal and academic way to introduce personal examples.

  18. "allows me to confide my personal stories with my friends" -> "enables me to share personal anecdotes with my friends"
    Explanation: "Enables me to share personal anecdotes" is a more formal and precise expression than "allows me to confide my personal stories."

  19. "quick access to information" -> "rapid access to information"
    Explanation: "Rapid access to information" is a more formal and descriptive phrase than "quick access to information."

  20. "citizens can easily access new information accurately" -> "individuals can readily access up-to-date information with precision"
    Explanation: "Readily access up-to-date information with precision" is a more formal and detailed way to convey the idea.

  21. "In conclusion, it is undeniable" -> "In conclusion, it is indisputable"
    Explanation: "Indisputable" is a more formal synonym for "undeniable" that enhances the formality of the essay’s conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does not address the essay prompt effectively. It fails to discuss the relevance of public museums and art galleries in the age of computer access to historical objects and works of art. Instead, it focuses on unrelated topics like advancements in medicine and information technology.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should focus on directly addressing the essay prompt by discussing the necessity or relevance of public museums and art galleries in the context of computer access to historical objects and works of art. They should provide arguments and evidence related to the prompt’s theme.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay does express some perspectives, it doesn’t present a clear and consistent position regarding the prompt. It briefly mentions the improvement of human life in the 21st century but does not take a firm stance on the necessity of public museums and art galleries.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and maintain that stance throughout the essay. They should express whether they agree or disagree with the prompt and support their position with relevant arguments.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 5

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear main ideas related to the essay prompt. It focuses on unrelated topics, such as advancements in medicine and information technology, without extending or supporting these ideas adequately. The examples provided are not relevant to the prompt.
    • How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the writer should develop a clear thesis statement related to the prompt and provide relevant examples and evidence to support their arguments. They should ensure that all ideas are directly related to the topic of public museums and art galleries in the digital age.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 4

    • Detailed explanation: The essay deviates significantly from the essay prompt, discussing unrelated topics like advancements in medicine and information technology. It does not stay on the topic of the relevance of public museums and art galleries.
    • How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should maintain a clear focus on the subject of public museums and art galleries in the context of computer access to historical objects and works of art. Avoid discussing unrelated topics that do not directly relate to the prompt.

In summary, while this essay has some merits, such as a generally coherent structure and clear language use, it significantly falls short in addressing the essay prompt’s specific requirements. To improve, the writer should ensure that their essay directly responds to the prompt, maintains a clear and consistent position, presents relevant ideas with proper support, and stays on topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mostly coherent arrangement of ideas and maintains a clear overall structure. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and there is a discernible progression of ideas from the first point to the second point in the body paragraphs. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument (medicine and information technology), creating a logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical organization further, consider refining the topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly outline the main point. Additionally, ensure that there is a smooth transition between paragraphs to strengthen the overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The use of paragraphs in the essay is appropriate, with a logical sequencing of ideas. Each paragraph contains a distinct idea and supports it effectively. This clear structuring contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally well-done, you can further improve by focusing on the coherence between sentences within each paragraph. Ensure that each sentence within a paragraph relates directly to the main idea of that paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transitional phrases like "Firstly" and "Secondly." These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are instances where the use of these devices could be more precise, and some transitions could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To raise the score in this category, work on using cohesive devices more effectively. Ensure that transitional phrases are used consistently and appropriately to guide the reader through the essay’s logical progression. Additionally, pay attention to the use of pronouns and synonyms to maintain clarity and coherence in your sentences.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 6. To further improve, focus on refining your topic sentences, enhancing the clarity of transitions between paragraphs, and using cohesive devices with precision. This will contribute to a more cohesive and logically organized essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. There are instances of varied word choices, such as "proliferation," "advancements," "confide," and "updated," which indicate a certain degree of flexibility and precision.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the use of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific and nuanced terms in your essay. For instance, when discussing the advancements in medicine, you could use more specialized vocabulary related to medical research and healthcare, adding depth to your argument.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, there are a few instances where word choices could be more accurate. For instance, the phrase "confide my personal stories" might benefit from a more precise term like "share" or "discuss." Additionally, the term "proliferation of medicine" could be made more precise by specifying the particular aspects of medical advancement being discussed.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to word choice, ensuring that each term aligns precisely with your intended meaning. Be cautious of using broad or general phrases that may introduce ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of spelling accuracy, with few errors that do not significantly affect overall clarity. The errors present are minor and do not detract from the reader’s understanding.
    • How to improve: Continue to prioritize accurate spelling by proofreading your work carefully. Consider utilizing spell-checking tools or seeking feedback from others to catch any remaining errors.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and spelling, aligning with the characteristics of Band 7 in the Lexical Resource criterion. To further enhance your lexical resource, focus on incorporating more specific and contextually appropriate vocabulary to strengthen your arguments and maintain a consistent level of precision throughout your essay. Keep up the good work!

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 5

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures but falls short of achieving a wide range. There are moments where complex sentences are used, but they are often constructed poorly, leading to confusion. For instance, the sentence, "I totally agree with this perspective and some major viewpoints will be discussed in the following paragraphs," tries to introduce complexity but results in awkward phrasing.
    • How to improve: To improve the range of sentence structures, the writer should practice using different sentence types, such as compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences. Paying attention to sentence structure coherence will also help avoid awkward constructions.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 5

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is marred by frequent grammatical errors that hinder comprehension. For instance, the phrase "the quality of life for society in the 21st century is much better than the centuries before" should be "better than in previous centuries" to maintain clarity and accuracy. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to revise and proofread essays carefully. Consider seeking assistance from a grammar checker or a writing tutor. Additionally, reviewing the specific areas where errors occurred in this essay would be beneficial.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates fairly decent punctuation usage. While there are some punctuation errors present, they don’t significantly impede comprehension. For example, the comma placement in "In contemporary times, it is believed by some segments of the population that the quality of life for society in the 21st century is much better than the centuries before," could be improved for better clarity.
    • How to improve: To refine punctuation skills, pay special attention to the use of commas in complex sentences and ensure they are placed correctly for clarity and coherence. Reviewing specific punctuation rules and practicing their application can be beneficial.

Overall, the essay has room for improvement in terms of both grammatical accuracy and sentence structure variety. To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining grammar skills and diversifying sentence structures while ensuring clarity and coherence. Proofreading and editing are also essential to eliminate errors and enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, some argue that public museums and art galleries may become obsolete as people can access historical objects and artworks through computers. I firmly support this viewpoint, and I will discuss a few key reasons below.

First and foremost, the advancement of medicine plays a pivotal role in improving the quality of life in the 21st century. For instance, amid the Covid-19 pandemic, Vietnam has imported numerous vaccine shipments, thereby aiding a substantial number of individuals in avoiding rapid human-to-human infection. Moreover, advancements in medical research can bolster public awareness regarding various diseases and preventive measures. This is because, in the present era, researchers have made numerous novel discoveries, heightening public awareness regarding signs and methods for the prevention of certain diseases, mitigating the risk of severe illnesses or even mortality.

Secondly, the significant advancement in information technology, based on my personal experience, enables me to share personal anecdotes with my friends from different countries without the need for extensive in-person meetings. Furthermore, with rapid access to information, individuals can readily access up-to-date information with precision. For example, the Internet provides constant updates on the latest information, both domestically and internationally, allowing citizens to easily access new and accurate information without waiting for newspaper publications.

In conclusion, it is indisputable that the development of medicine today has a positive influence on human health. Additionally, information technology makes people’s lives more convenient compared to previous centuries.

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