Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money.

Do you agree or disagree?

Which other types of job should be highly paid?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is often said that entertainers such as film stars, singers or sports stars are over paid. From my perspective, I agree with this point of view. In comtemporary societies, celebrities are favored with too many priviledges which they are not deserved. In this essay, I will give my core reasons supporting my view, as well as cite a few examples.

Firstly, the amount of money that celebrities earn is ussually not equivalent to their contribution to the development of society and humanity. Admitedlly, film stars, singers or sport stars do bring joy and entertaining moments to poeople. However, that contribution is not essential and significant enough to earn such high level of public attention and income while many other important jobs such as teachers, doctors are paid so poorly. For example, Son Tung – one of the top famous singers in Vietnam, can earn 1 billion Vietnam Dong for one performance night which can be a lifetime income of a highschool teacher.

Secondly, by paying too much money for entertainers and celebrities, we are unconciously giving illusions of entertaiment industry for new generations. There will be increasingly people who are willing trade off other things such as family, sexuality or standard education for fame. This phenomenom has already happened in Korea, a country with highly developed entertainment industry, where many youngsters were sent into entertainment companies at very young age, devote their childhood and are willing to trade off their bodies for chances being future Kpop stars. Though obviously only a rather small amount of those trainees will be chosen to debut as singers, the rests will be left out and lost after spending all the childhood focusing on singing and dancing.

In conclusion, I believe everyone should be paid with the amount that they deserve and celebrities are being paid too much compared to what they give to the societies. And the fact we pay excessive to entertainers will give more youngsters try at all cost just to be famous.

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Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It acknowledges the perspective that entertainers are overpaid and provides reasons supporting this view. Additionally, it responds to the second part of the prompt by suggesting other types of jobs that should be highly paid, albeit indirectly, by highlighting the disparity in pay between entertainers and other professions like teachers and doctors.
  • How to improve: While the essay does address both parts of the question, a more explicit identification and discussion of other types of jobs that should be highly paid could enhance the response. Specifically naming professions and providing reasoning for their deserving high pay would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, agreeing with the notion that entertainers are overpaid. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing consistency in viewpoint.
  • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, ensuring that each paragraph consistently reinforces and elaborates on the agreed-upon position would strengthen the essay’s coherence.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and supports its ideas. It provides examples to illustrate the argument, such as the comparison between the income of celebrities and that of teachers. Additionally, it elaborates on the societal implications of overpaying entertainers, citing the phenomenon in Korea as an example.
  • How to improve: To further develop ideas, deeper analysis and exploration of the consequences of overpaying entertainers, as well as potential solutions to address this issue, could enrich the essay’s content.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the issue of whether entertainers are overpaid and providing relevant examples and arguments to support this perspective.
  • How to improve: While the essay maintains relevance to the topic, ensuring that all examples and arguments directly contribute to the central thesis without straying into tangential discussions would further strengthen the coherence and focus of the essay. Additionally, providing a more explicit connection between the discussion of overpaid entertainers and the types of jobs that should be highly paid would enhance relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt and effectively communicates its position with supporting examples and arguments. To improve, the essay could benefit from a more explicit discussion of other types of jobs deserving high pay and a deeper exploration of the consequences of overpaying entertainers. Additionally, maintaining a tight focus on the central argument throughout the essay would enhance coherence and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction stating the writer’s agreement with the notion that entertainers are overpaid. It then proceeds to provide two distinct reasons supporting this viewpoint, followed by a conclusion summarizing the argument. Each paragraph is dedicated to elaborating on a specific reason, which aids in clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing a stronger connection between paragraphs, perhaps by utilizing transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly guide the reader from one idea to the next. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to establish its focus from the outset.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to structure its content. Each paragraph addresses a separate point: the first discusses the discrepancy between celebrity earnings and societal contribution, while the second examines the potential negative impact of excessive pay on societal values. This approach aids in readability and comprehension.
  • How to improve: While the essay’s paragraphing is generally sound, there is room for improvement in the development of each paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph is adequately developed with supporting details and examples to strengthen the argument further. Additionally, consider varying sentence structures within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices moderately effectively to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "Firstly" and "Secondly," which help signal the organization of the argument. Additionally, the use of pronouns like "that" and "this" aids in maintaining coherence within sentences.
  • How to improve: To further enrich cohesion, consider incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however") and lexical cohesion (repetition of key terms). Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to reinforce connections between ideas and paragraphs.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, implementing the suggested improvements will help elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the argument, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some attempt at varied expression. For instance, the essay employs a range of terms such as "contemporary societies," "illusion," "phenomenon," "contribution," and "privileges," but there is a tendency towards repetition of certain words and phrases, such as "celebrities" and "too much money."
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, try incorporating more diverse synonyms and expressions throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "celebrities," consider alternatives like "public figures," "entertainers," or "icons." Additionally, expand your vocabulary by exploring synonyms for common terms and phrases to avoid repetition.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, although there are instances of imprecise or awkward phrasing. For example, the phrase "favored with too many privileges which they are not deserved" could be more precisely articulated as "endowed with excessive privileges they may not merit."
  • How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in language usage. When expressing complex ideas, take time to ensure that each word accurately conveys the intended meaning. Consider revising sentences to eliminate ambiguity and enhance readability. Utilize a thesaurus or language reference materials to explore alternative word choices and refine your vocabulary usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors noted. Instances of misspelling, such as "comtemporary" (contemporary), "poeople" (people), "admitedlly" (admittedly), and "unconciously" (unconsciously), detract slightly from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checkers during the writing process to identify and correct errors promptly. Additionally, allocate time for thorough proofreading before submitting essays to identify and rectify any spelling mistakes. Engaging in regular reading activities can also enhance familiarity with common spelling patterns and contribute to improved spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, incorporating simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the sentence structures further to enhance the overall sophistication of the essay. For instance, there is a predominant use of simple sentences, which can make the writing appear somewhat monotonous. Additionally, more complex sentence structures, such as those incorporating subordinate clauses or participial phrases, could be utilized to provide greater depth and clarity to the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating a variety of sentence types, including compound and complex sentences. Introduce subordinate clauses, participial phrases, and other advanced grammatical structures to add complexity and nuance to your writing. Varying the length and structure of sentences will contribute to a more engaging and coherent essay overall.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally sound grammatical accuracy, with few notable errors. However, there are some instances of grammatical mistakes and punctuation errors that affect the clarity and precision of the writing. For example, there are misspellings ("comtemporary," "poeople," "ussually"), subject-verb agreement issues ("celebrities…is," "entertaiment"), and punctuation errors (missing commas before introductory phrases, inconsistent use of hyphens).
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling and proofread carefully to catch and correct errors before submitting your essay. Review basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and punctuation guidelines. Consider using writing aids or seeking feedback from peers or teachers to identify and address recurring grammatical issues. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common punctuation conventions to ensure consistency and clarity in your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and sentence structure, there are areas where refinement and improvement could elevate the quality of the writing and better support the arguments presented. Striving for greater diversity in sentence structures and meticulous attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is often argued that entertainers such as film stars, singers, or sports personalities receive excessive pay. From my perspective, I agree with this sentiment. In contemporary societies, celebrities often enjoy privileges that seem disproportionate to their contributions. In this essay, I will outline my reasons for supporting this view, along with providing examples.

Firstly, the income earned by celebrities is often not commensurate with their societal contributions. While it is true that film stars, singers, and sports personalities bring joy and entertainment to people’s lives, their impact on societal development may not justify their high levels of income. This is especially evident when compared to the relatively low pay received by professions essential to society, such as teachers and doctors. For instance, Son Tung, a renowned singer in Vietnam, can earn 1 billion Vietnamese Dong for a single performance, an amount that surpasses the lifetime earnings of many high school teachers.

Secondly, the exorbitant salaries of entertainers create unrealistic aspirations among the younger generation. By glamorizing the entertainment industry, we inadvertently encourage young individuals to prioritize fame over other important aspects of life, such as family, education, and personal development. This phenomenon is particularly evident in countries like Korea, where the entertainment industry holds significant sway. Many young aspirants are recruited by entertainment companies at a tender age, dedicating their formative years to pursuits of stardom in fields like Kpop. However, only a select few achieve success, leaving many others disillusioned and directionless after investing considerable time and effort into their pursuits.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that remuneration should reflect individuals’ contributions to society, and entertainers are often overcompensated relative to their societal impact. The disproportionate salaries offered to celebrities not only undervalue essential professions but also perpetuate unrealistic aspirations among the youth. It is imperative to reevaluate our societal values to ensure fair compensation across all professions, discouraging unrealistic pursuits of fame at any cost.