Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

Some people believe that video games is only for entertainment and not harmful, besides it is a useful method for education. While others think that playing video games has a bad effect on players. I will discuss both sides of views and give my opinion at the end of the statement.
On one side, people can find joy and be educated by playing video games. Firstly, some people play video games as their leisure activity. Being engrossed in the virtual world of video games is the way people entertain and reduce their stress after a long day of studying and working. Additionally, some video games are essential equipment for educating players. For example, some video games about flashcards not only help individuals to learn new words but also stimulate the ability of using languages.
On the other side, playing video games has unforeseen consequences for people who play them. Playing video games is less demanding physically, thus, it led players to have sedentary lifestyles. When playing video games, individuals only need to lay on their bed or sit on their sofa without any physical movements being requested. As a result, people will face up with some health problems such as obesity or myopia,.. Moreover, if people spend all the rest of their time for playing video games, they will lose their communication skills. Playing video games is so time – consuming, hence, people can not find time to communicate with their connection in real life. This reason will make players have some psychological issues as depression and autism. Thus, playing video games leads to disturbing results for players.
In conclusion, although video games is useful for entertainment and education, I think that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages because of the bad effect on both players ‘ physical and psychological health. As a result, people should become smart players by spending suitable time playing video games and choosing games which have good contents for boosting the benefit of video games.

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Errors and Improvements:

"video games is only for entertainment" -> "video games are solely for entertainment"
Explanation: "Is" should be replaced with "are" to match the plural subject "video games." "Only" is removed to enhance clarity and formality, and "solely" is substituted for emphasis and academic appropriateness.
"besides it is a useful method for education" -> "additionally, they serve as effective educational tools"
Explanation: "Besides" is replaced with "additionally" for better coherence and formality. "It is" is substituted with "they serve" to refer back to "video games" in a more precise manner. "Useful method for education" is replaced with "effective educational tools" for clarity and sophistication.
"On one side" -> "One perspective"
Explanation: "On one side" is too informal for academic writing. "One perspective" is more formal and appropriate for presenting viewpoints in an academic context.
"people can find joy and be educated" -> "individuals derive enjoyment and educational benefits"
Explanation: "People" is replaced with "individuals" for formal tone. "Find joy and be educated" is replaced with "derive enjoyment and educational benefits" for clarity and academic style.
"Being engrossed in the virtual world of video games is the way people entertain" -> "Immersing oneself in the virtual world of video games serves as a means of entertainment"
Explanation: "Being engrossed" is replaced with "Immersing oneself" for clarity and formality. "The way people entertain" is replaced with "serves as a means of entertainment" for conciseness and academic style.
"reduce their stress" -> "alleviate their stress"
Explanation: "Reduce" is replaced with "alleviate" for a more precise and sophisticated term in academic writing.
"some video games are essential equipment for educating players" -> "certain video games are instrumental in educating players"
Explanation: "Some" is replaced with "certain" for a more specific reference. "Essential equipment" is replaced with "instrumental" for conciseness and formality.
"stimulate the ability of using languages" -> "enhance language proficiency"
Explanation: "Stimulate the ability of using languages" is simplified to "enhance language proficiency" for clarity and conciseness.
"has unforeseen consequences" -> "has unintended consequences"
Explanation: "Unforeseen" is replaced with "unintended" for a more precise term.
"it led players to have sedentary lifestyles" -> "leading players to adopt sedentary lifestyles"
Explanation: "It led" is replaced with "leading" for better tense consistency.
"individuals only need to lay on their bed" -> "individuals only need to lie on their bed"
Explanation: "Lay" is replaced with "lie" for correct verb usage.
"sit on their sofa without any physical movements being requested" -> "sit on their sofa without engaging in physical activity"
Explanation: "Physical movements being requested" is replaced with "engaging in physical activity" for clarity and formality.
"people will face up with some health problems" -> "individuals will encounter health problems"
Explanation: "Face up with" is replaced with "encounter" for conciseness and clarity.
"obesity or myopia,.." -> "obesity or myopia."
Explanation: Remove the extra comma for grammatical correctness.
"Moreover, if people spend all the rest of their time for playing video games" -> "Furthermore, if individuals spend all their remaining time playing video games"
Explanation: "Moreover" is replaced with "Furthermore" for better coherence. "All the rest of their time" is replaced with "all their remaining time" for clarity and formality.
"they will lose their communication skills" -> "they may experience a decline in their communication skills"
Explanation: "Lose" is replaced with "may experience a decline" for more nuanced expression.
"Playing video games is so time – consuming" -> "Playing video games is highly time-consuming"
Explanation: "So" is removed, and hyphen is replaced with a hyphen for correctness and conciseness.
"disturbing results" -> "detrimental outcomes"
Explanation: "Disturbing results" is replaced with "detrimental outcomes" for a more formal and precise term.
"smart players" -> "discerning players"
Explanation: "Smart players" is replaced with "discerning players" for a more sophisticated term fitting for academic writing.
"spending suitable time playing video games" -> "allocating appropriate time to playing video games"
Explanation: "Spending suitable time" is replaced with "allocating appropriate time" for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument regarding the effects of video games, acknowledging that some view them as harmless fun or educational tools while others see them as having adverse effects. It presents a balanced discussion by examining both perspectives before offering a clear opinion in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, ensure that each viewpoint is thoroughly explored with specific examples or evidence. Provide deeper analysis of the implications of each perspective to enrich the discussion further.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating in the introduction that it will discuss both sides before concluding that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. This stance is consistently maintained, with each paragraph supporting the position taken.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, enhancing the coherence and cohesion of the essay would strengthen the clarity of the argument. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and reinforce the central thesis throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both sides of the argument adequately. It provides examples to support each viewpoint, such as the benefits of video games for education and the adverse effects on health and social skills. However, some points lack development or elaboration.
- How to improve: Extend the discussion by providing more detailed explanations and examples for each argument. This will strengthen the coherence of the essay and provide a more compelling case for the position taken.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the effects of video games as outlined in the prompt. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the benefits of video games for education. While related, these tangents could be more tightly connected to the main argument.
- How to improve: Maintain a sharper focus on the prompt by ensuring that all points made directly relate to the question posed. Avoid tangents that may distract from the central argument and instead, provide examples and evidence directly relevant to the topic of video game effects.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear stance, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, coherence, and relevance of supporting points. By providing more detailed explanations, reinforcing the central argument, and staying closely aligned with the topic, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion summarizing the author’s stance. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as the benefits of video games for entertainment and education, followed by the drawbacks related to physical and psychological health. However, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to improve coherence. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits and drawbacks of video games could be made more seamless to enhance the overall logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay could benefit from clearer transitional phrases or sentences between paragraphs. These transitions could signal shifts in focus or introduce new supporting points, creating a more cohesive structure. For example, phrases like "On the contrary," or "However," could be employed to signal shifts in argumentation, aiding readers in following the essay’s progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but the structure and effectiveness vary. Each paragraph attempts to discuss a specific aspect of the topic, such as the benefits or drawbacks of video games. However, some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences, making it challenging to discern the main point. Additionally, the concluding paragraph could be strengthened to provide a more impactful summary of the author’s argument.
- How to improve: Strengthening the structure of paragraphs can improve coherence. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that develop and elaborate on that idea. Additionally, ensuring a smooth transition between paragraphs can enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay. In the concluding paragraph, reiterate the main points discussed in the body paragraphs and provide a concise restatement of the author’s opinion on the issue.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, such as transition words and phrases ("on one side," "on the other side," "in conclusion"). However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied and sophisticated to enhance coherence further. Additionally, some sentences lack clear connections to preceding or subsequent ideas, leading to occasional disjointedness in the essay’s flow.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of transitions and connectors throughout the essay. These could include not only simple transitions like "firstly," "secondly," and "in conclusion," but also more complex devices like pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, maintaining a smooth and coherent progression of ideas throughout the essay. Practicing the use of cohesive devices in varied contexts can help enhance the overall cohesion of written work.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with varied expressions used throughout. For instance, the writer employs diverse vocabulary to discuss the positive and negative aspects of video games, such as "joy," "sedentary lifestyles," "communication skills," "psychological issues," and "disturbing results." However, there is room for improvement in the precision and sophistication of vocabulary selection.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, strive for greater diversity and sophistication in word choice. Instead of repeating words like "players" and "video games," explore synonyms or alternative expressions. Additionally, incorporating specialized vocabulary related to the topic can elevate the lexical range. For example, using terms like "cognitive development" or "sedentary behavior" can add depth to the analysis.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs vocabulary with precision, such as "sedentary lifestyles" to describe the negative health effects of prolonged gaming. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, using "bad effect" is somewhat vague; a more precise term like "adverse impact" would strengthen the expression.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting vocabulary that precisely conveys the intended meaning. Avoid vague terms and opt for more specific and nuanced expressions. When discussing complex ideas or arguments, choose words that accurately capture the nuances of the topic. For instance, instead of "disturbing results," consider using terms like "negative outcomes" or "adverse consequences" for clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with only minor errors observed. For instance, "video games is" should be "video games are," and "lay on their bed" should be "lie on their bed." These errors do not significantly detract from the overall clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct any minor spelling errors. Pay close attention to common mistakes, such as subject-verb agreement and homophones, to ensure accurate spelling throughout the essay. Additionally, utilizing spell-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help improve spelling accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary diversity, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, using precise language, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. Examples of sentence structures include:
- Simple sentences: "Some people believe that video games are only for entertainment and not harmful."
- Compound sentences: "I will discuss both sides of views and give my opinion at the end of the statement."
- Complex sentences: "Playing video games is less demanding physically, thus, it leads players to have sedentary lifestyles."
However, there is room for improvement in the variety and complexity of sentence structures. The essay tends to rely on simple sentences more than complex ones, which can affect the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and improve the overall quality of writing, try incorporating more complex sentence structures such as compound-complex sentences. These structures can be achieved by combining independent and dependent clauses, adding subordinate conjunctions, and using relative pronouns effectively. For instance, instead of using primarily simple sentences, aim for a balanced mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to add depth and variety to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors and inconsistencies throughout the text. Examples include:
- Subject-verb agreement: "Some people believe that video games is only for entertainment."
- Punctuation errors: "This reason will make players have some psychological issues as depression and autism."
While the essay communicates the intended message, these errors can impact clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills:
  1. Review basic grammar rules, especially regarding subject-verb agreement and sentence structure.
  2. Practice proofreading and editing to catch punctuation errors, such as missing commas or incorrect usage of conjunctions.
  3. Consider seeking feedback from peers or tutors to identify recurring grammar issues and work on targeted improvement.

Overall, addressing these areas of improvement can help elevate the grammatical range and accuracy of your writing, leading to a more polished and effective essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals perceive video games solely as a source of entertainment, while others recognize their potential as effective educational tools. I will explore both perspectives and provide my opinion on this matter.

On one hand, video games offer enjoyment and educational benefits to players. Many people engage in gaming as a way to unwind and alleviate stress after a long day of work or study. Moreover, certain video games are instrumental in educating players. For instance, games featuring flashcards not only facilitate learning new vocabulary but also enhance language proficiency.

However, playing video games can have unintended consequences. The sedentary nature of gaming often leads players to adopt inactive lifestyles. Players may spend hours lying on their bed or sitting on their sofa without engaging in physical activity, which can result in health problems such as obesity or myopia. Furthermore, excessive gaming can hinder communication skills development, as individuals may prioritize gaming over real-life interactions. This can lead to psychological issues such as depression or social withdrawal.

In conclusion, while video games offer entertainment and educational value, the drawbacks outweigh the benefits due to their negative impact on both physical and psychological health. Therefore, individuals should exercise discretion in allocating time for gaming and choose games with enriching content to maximize the benefits while minimizing adverse effects.