Some people say cultural traditions are destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Others say this is the only way to save such traditions.Discuss both views and give your opinion

Commercialized traditional customs via tourism industry has gained widespread popularity in many countries. While one school of thought holds that this upward trend could put our nature of cultural heritages at risk of vanishment due to a loss of originality and cultural values, others are of the opinion that this is the most optimal way to preserve because of the capacity of maintaining attraction and its financial source. This essay aims to shed light on both viewpoints before concluding I lean toward the later.
On the one hand, opponents of using customs and rituals as money-earning attractions targeted at tourists may argue that cultures will loss their authenticity and spiritual significance. Firstly, they would be regulated times or original activities to satisfy preference of visitors. It can be examplified by fishing villages in Hoi An city, where almost fishmen shift to sail boats, sell souvenirs, or perform traditional activities after commercializing. Moreover, the rise of commercial interest in cultural festivals could engender a reduction in sacredness. Local authorities and travel firms has interfered to process of organization, leading to minimize or eliminate the roles in held traditional events of native communities.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned, I am firmly convinced that such customs are solely substantially preserved when they are aimed at foreign tourists. The key rationale is a source of substantial finance to preservation. Without adequate economy, we cannot organize events or maintain customs and rituals. Therefore, ensuring facilities and infrastructures contribute to prevent cultural heritages from deteroiation. Additionally, nowadays, traditions are put at a risk of disappearance due to a lack of carefulness from younger generations. Consequently, this method can maintain their attraction via a sense of novel and experiments. Bat Trang pottery village, for examle, allows visitors try to make ceramics,which contributes to pass on experience and preserve craft technique.
In conclusion, while preserving traditions through tourism industry has several drawbacks related to a vanishment of their originality and emotional value, I firmly believe that it is viable due to its benefits from financial source and attraction. Most importantly, we need to respect and keep the essence of tradition. Joint efforts between local authorities and community are paramount for generating programs of educating tourists about the meaning of cultures.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Commercialized traditional customs via tourism industry" -> "The commercialization of traditional customs through the tourism industry"
Explanation: The phrase "Commercialized traditional customs via tourism industry" is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the process and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"upward trend" -> "increasing trend"
Explanation: "Upward trend" is somewhat informal and vague. "Increasing trend" is more precise and commonly used in academic contexts.
"put our nature of cultural heritages at risk of vanishment" -> "pose a risk to the very nature of cultural heritage"
Explanation: "Put our nature of cultural heritages at risk of vanishment" is awkward and unclear. The revised phrase is more direct and academically appropriate.
"the most optimal way to preserve" -> "the most effective method of preservation"
Explanation: "The most optimal way to preserve" is somewhat informal and vague. "The most effective method of preservation" is more precise and formal.
"capacity of maintaining attraction and its financial source" -> "capacity to maintain attraction and generate revenue"
Explanation: "Capacity of maintaining attraction and its financial source" is awkward and unclear. The revised phrase is clearer and more formal.
"I lean toward the later" -> "I lean toward the latter"
Explanation: "The later" is incorrect; "the latter" is the correct term when referring to the second of two things mentioned previously.
"opponents of using customs and rituals as money-earning attractions targeted at tourists" -> "those who oppose the commercialization of customs and rituals for tourist attractions"
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and informal. The revision is more concise and formal.
"loss their authenticity and spiritual significance" -> "lose their authenticity and spiritual significance"
Explanation: "Loss" should be "lose" to agree in number with "cultures."
"regulated times or original activities to satisfy preference of visitors" -> "alter or modify traditional activities to cater to visitor preferences"
Explanation: "Regulated times or original activities" is unclear and informal. The revised phrase is more precise and formal.
"It can be examplified by" -> "It can be exemplified by"
Explanation: "Examplified" is a typographical error; "exemplified" is the correct word.
"almost fishmen shift to sail boats" -> "many fishermen shift to operating sailboats"
Explanation: "Fishmen" is not a standard term; "fishermen" is correct. "Sail boats" is informal; "operating sailboats" is more formal.
"Local authorities and travel firms has interfered to process of organization" -> "Local authorities and travel firms have interfered with the organizational process"
Explanation: "Has interfered to process of organization" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects these issues and improves readability.
"minimize or eliminate the roles in held traditional events" -> "reduce or eliminate the roles in organizing traditional events"
Explanation: "Minimize or eliminate the roles in held traditional events" is awkward and unclear. The revised phrase clarifies the meaning and is more formal.
"solely substantially preserved" -> "solely substantially preserved"
Explanation: This is a typographical error; "solely substantially preserved" should be "solely substantially preserved."
"ensure facilities and infrastructures contribute to prevent cultural heritages from deteroiation" -> "ensure facilities and infrastructure contribute to preventing cultural heritage deterioration"
Explanation: "Deteroiation" is a typographical error; "deterioration" is the correct word. Also, "cultural heritages" should be singular "cultural heritage" for grammatical consistency.
"Bat Trang pottery village, for examle" -> "Bat Trang pottery village, for example"
Explanation: "For examle" is a typographical error; "for example" is the correct phrase.
"try to make ceramics" -> "attempt to create ceramics"
Explanation: "Try to make" is informal; "attempt to create" is more formal and precise.
"which contributes to pass on experience and preserve craft technique" -> "which helps to pass on the experience and preserve the craft technique"
Explanation: "Contributes to pass on experience and preserve craft technique" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects these issues and improves readability.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the impact of tourism on cultural traditions. The first body paragraph discusses the concerns about loss of authenticity and spiritual significance, providing specific examples such as the fishing villages in Hoi An. The second body paragraph presents the opposing view, arguing that tourism can provide necessary financial support for preserving traditions, illustrated by the example of Bat Trang pottery village. However, while both perspectives are discussed, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the nuances within each viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could delve deeper into the complexities of each argument. For instance, they could explore how some traditions might adapt positively to commercialization while still retaining their core values. Including more examples or case studies could also strengthen the discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer clearly states their position in favor of tourism as a means to preserve cultural traditions, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the opposing view and the writer’s opinion could be smoother. The phrase "I lean toward the later" is somewhat abrupt and could be better integrated into the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should ensure that their opinion is consistently reinforced throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases that signal shifts in perspective and by reiterating their stance in relation to the points made in the body paragraphs.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas related to the commercialization of cultural traditions. The arguments are generally well-supported with examples, such as the mention of fishing villages and Bat Trang pottery. However, some points could be further elaborated. For example, the discussion on the financial aspect of preserving traditions is introduced but not fully developed.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more in-depth analysis and explanation for each point made. This could involve discussing the implications of financial support on the sustainability of cultural practices or exploring how tourism can lead to a revival of interest in traditions among younger generations.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of cultural traditions and their relationship with tourism. However, there are moments where the argument could stray slightly, particularly when discussing the risks of disappearance due to younger generations’ lack of interest. While relevant, this point could be more directly tied back to the main argument about tourism.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question. They could clarify how the involvement of younger generations in tourism-related activities can actually serve as a bridge to preserving traditions, thereby tying it back to the main argument more effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By refining the integration of ideas and enhancing the depth of analysis, the writer could further elevate their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the two opposing viewpoints and a conclusion that summarizes the writer’s stance. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, which aids in logical progression. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the negative impacts of commercialization on cultural traditions, while the second body paragraph argues in favor of commercialization as a means of preservation. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, as some points feel slightly disjointed, particularly when moving from one argument to another.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer could use more explicit transitional phrases to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. For example, phrases like "In contrast," "Furthermore," or "On the other hand," can help clarify the relationship between opposing viewpoints. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea would strengthen the organization.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific argument, and the overall structure is easy to follow. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more balanced development of ideas. For instance, the first body paragraph could be more cohesive by ensuring that all sentences directly support the main idea of cultural loss due to commercialization.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main point. Additionally, maintaining a consistent focus within each paragraph and ensuring that all supporting sentences relate back to the topic sentence would enhance coherence. The writer might also consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "moreover," and "notwithstanding," which help to guide the reader through the arguments. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be made clearer. For example, the phrase "the rise of commercial interest" could be better linked to the subsequent discussion about the impact on local communities.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. This could include using synonyms or alternative expressions to avoid repetition, such as "in addition," "consequently," or "as a result." Furthermore, the writer should ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas, making the argument more fluid and easier to follow.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments in a coherent manner. By focusing on improving logical transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate the clarity and effectiveness of their writing further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of cultural traditions and tourism. Terms such as "commercialized," "authenticity," "sacredness," and "financial source" are effectively employed to convey complex ideas. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be expanded or varied further. For example, the phrase "money-earning attractions" could be replaced with alternatives like "commercial attractions" or "tourist-centric enterprises" to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. This could involve using a thesaurus to find alternative words or phrases that convey similar meanings but add depth and sophistication to the writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are moments of imprecision that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the nature of cultural heritages at risk of vanishment" could be more clearly articulated as "the essence of cultural heritage is at risk of disappearing." Additionally, the use of "deterioration" is misspelled as "deterioiation," which affects the precision of the message.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that word choices accurately reflect their intended meaning. This includes double-checking the definitions of words and considering their connotations. Furthermore, proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring correct usage will improve clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact the overall impression of lexical resource. For example, "examplified" should be "exemplified," and "later" should be "latter." Such errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a systematic proofreading process. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch errors, using spell-check tools, or having a peer review the work. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or quizzes can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and generally effective usage, there are areas for improvement that could elevate the lexical resource score. By expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can achieve a higher level of proficiency in their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional phrases. For example, phrases like "While one school of thought holds that this upward trend could put our nature of cultural heritages at risk of vanishment" and "Notwithstanding the aforementioned, I am firmly convinced that such customs are solely substantially preserved when they are aimed at foreign tourists" show an attempt to use varied grammatical forms. However, there are instances where sentence structures become convoluted or awkward, such as "this is the most optimal way to preserve because of the capacity of maintaining attraction and its financial source," which could be streamlined for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences that clearly articulate relationships between ideas. Additionally, practice using different conjunctions and transition phrases to improve the flow of ideas. For example, instead of saying "this is the most optimal way to preserve," you might say, "this approach not only preserves traditions but also provides financial support, making it a viable solution."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that detract from its overall clarity and coherence. For instance, "cultures will loss their authenticity" should read "cultures will lose their authenticity." Additionally, "local authorities and travel firms has interfered" should be corrected to "local authorities and travel firms have interfered." Punctuation issues are also present, such as the lack of a comma in "Bat Trang pottery village, for examle, allows visitors try to make ceramics,which contributes to pass on experience and preserve craft technique," where a space is needed before "which."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and verb forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can be beneficial. For punctuation, ensure that commas are used correctly to separate clauses and items in a list. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for corrections before finalizing the text.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable range of grammatical structures and attempts to engage with complex ideas, attention to grammatical accuracy and clarity in expression will further enhance the quality of writing. Regular practice and revision can significantly contribute to achieving a higher band score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The commercialization of traditional customs through the tourism industry has gained widespread popularity in many countries. While one school of thought holds that this increasing trend could pose a risk to the very nature of cultural heritage due to a loss of originality and cultural values, others argue that this is the most effective method of preservation because of its capacity to maintain attraction and generate revenue. This essay aims to shed light on both viewpoints before concluding that I lean toward the latter.

On the one hand, those who oppose the commercialization of customs and rituals for tourist attractions may argue that cultures will lose their authenticity and spiritual significance. Firstly, traditional activities may be altered or modified to cater to visitor preferences. This can be exemplified by fishing villages in Hoi An city, where many fishermen have shifted to operating sailboats, selling souvenirs, or performing traditional activities after commercialization. Moreover, the rise of commercial interest in cultural festivals could engender a reduction in their sacredness. Local authorities and travel firms have interfered with the organizational process, leading to a reduction or elimination of the roles of native communities in organizing traditional events.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned, I am firmly convinced that such customs are solely substantially preserved when they are aimed at foreign tourists. The key rationale is that they provide a substantial financial source for preservation. Without adequate funding, we cannot organize events or maintain customs and rituals. Therefore, ensuring that facilities and infrastructure contribute to preventing cultural heritage deterioration is essential. Additionally, nowadays, traditions are at risk of disappearance due to a lack of interest from younger generations. Consequently, this method can maintain their attraction through a sense of novelty and experimentation. Bat Trang pottery village, for example, allows visitors to attempt to create ceramics, which helps to pass on the experience and preserve the craft technique.

In conclusion, while preserving traditions through the tourism industry has several drawbacks related to the potential loss of their originality and emotional value, I firmly believe that it is a viable approach due to its benefits from financial support and attraction. Most importantly, we need to respect and maintain the essence of tradition. Joint efforts between local authorities and the community are paramount for generating programs that educate tourists about the meaning of cultures.