Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems.

In today's contemporary society, there exists a group of individuals who advocate for the prioritization of environmental pollution prevention and resolution of housing issues by governing bodies, in order to safeguard citizens from potential health concerns. I am in complete agreement with this perspective and will elaborate on my stance extensively.

Initially, I am of the opinion that mitigating environmental pollution can play a crucial role in safeguarding individuals from respiratory ailments. The substantial discharge of exhaust emissions from factories in prominent cities such as Hanoi and HCM has significantly exacerbated air pollution, resulting in alarmingly polluted air quality in Vietnam. Residing in such a contaminated setting can heighten the vulnerability of residents to severe illnesses like lung cancer or asthma. Nevertheless, these diseases can be effectively averted by minimizing the volume of harmful exhaust fumes discharged into the air.

Furthermore, by tackling housing issues, it is possible to mitigate the occurrence of severe illnesses among individuals. In numerous nations, poverty and overcrowding compel individuals to reside in substandard living conditions. As per the most recent research conducted by the BBC, a staggering 80% of the population in many countries face the challenge of earning sufficient income to afford food, let alone access clean water. Consequently, they are compelled to utilize contaminated water from rivers or ponds for essential activities such as cooking and drinking, thereby elevating their susceptibility to infectious diseases like cholera or dysentery. If governments were to allocate additional funds towards providing free and healthy water to these regions, the overall health and well-being of the residents would witness a significant improvement.

In conclusion, to ensure the well-being of citizens, it is imperative for policymakers to prioritize the mitigation of environmental pollution and the enhancement of living conditions.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"In today’s contemporary society" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: Removing "today’s" and "contemporary" makes the phrase more concise and eliminates redundancy, maintaining formality.
"there exists a group of individuals who advocate for" -> "there is a group of individuals advocating for"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to use the present participle form "advocating" instead of "who advocate for" results in a more active and direct expression, which is preferable in academic writing.
"safeguard citizens from potential health concerns" -> "protect citizens from potential health hazards"
Explanation: Replacing "safeguard" with "protect" and "concerns" with "hazards" enhances clarity and precision while maintaining formality.
"I am in complete agreement with this perspective" -> "I wholeheartedly support this viewpoint"
Explanation: "In complete agreement" is slightly informal; "wholeheartedly support" is a more formal and emphatic expression commonly used in academic writing.
"will elaborate on my stance extensively" -> "will elaborate on my position in detail"
Explanation: "Stance" can be slightly informal; "position" is a more academic term. Additionally, "in detail" is more precise than "extensively" in this context.
"Mitigating environmental pollution" -> "Addressing environmental pollution"
Explanation: "Mitigating" is a bit technical; "addressing" is simpler and clearer in this context.
"can play a crucial role" -> "plays a crucial role"
Explanation: Using the simple present tense ("plays") instead of the modal verb "can" makes the statement more direct and assertive, which is suitable for academic writing.
"the substantial discharge of exhaust emissions" -> "the significant emission of exhaust pollutants"
Explanation: "Discharge" is somewhat technical and could be replaced with a simpler term like "emission." Additionally, "pollutants" is more specific than "emissions."
"has significantly exacerbated air pollution" -> "has significantly worsened air quality"
Explanation: "Exacerbated air pollution" is redundant; "worsened air quality" is more precise and concise.
"resulting in alarmingly polluted air quality" -> "resulting in alarmingly poor air quality"
Explanation: Adding "poor" clarifies the negative impact of the pollution on air quality.
"can heighten the vulnerability of residents" -> "can increase residents’ vulnerability"
Explanation: Simplifying "heighten the vulnerability of" to "increase residents’ vulnerability" improves clarity and readability.
"effectively averted" -> "effectively prevented"
Explanation: "Prevented" is a more common and straightforward term compared to "averted."
"minimizing the volume of harmful exhaust fumes discharged" -> "reducing the emission of harmful exhaust fumes"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase "minimizing the volume of" to "reducing the emission of" improves clarity and conciseness.
"by tackling housing issues" -> "by addressing housing concerns"
Explanation: "Tackling" is slightly informal; "addressing" is more suitable for academic writing.
"severe illnesses among individuals" -> "serious illnesses among the populace"
Explanation: "Individuals" can be replaced with "populace" for a more formal tone.
"In numerous nations" -> "In many nations"
Explanation: "Numerous" can be replaced with "many" for simplicity without loss of meaning.
"compel individuals to reside in substandard living conditions" -> "force individuals to live in inadequate housing"
Explanation: Simplifying "compel individuals to reside in substandard living conditions" to "force individuals to live in inadequate housing" improves clarity and readability.
"the most recent research conducted by the BBC" -> "recent research by the BBC"
Explanation: Removing "the most" maintains conciseness while still indicating the recentness of the research.
"a staggering 80% of the population" -> "an astonishing 80% of the population"
Explanation: "Staggering" can be replaced with "astonishing" for a more formal tone.
"face the challenge of earning sufficient income" -> "struggle to earn adequate income"
Explanation: "Face the challenge of" can be simplified to "struggle to" without altering the meaning.
"access clean water" -> "access to clean water"
Explanation: Adding "to" clarifies the relationship between "access" and "clean water."
"utilize contaminated water from rivers or ponds" -> "use contaminated water from rivers or ponds"
Explanation: "Utilize" is slightly formal; "use" is simpler and more commonly used.
"elevating their susceptibility" -> "increasing their vulnerability"
Explanation: "Elevating" can be replaced with "increasing" for clarity and conciseness.
"the overall health and well-being" -> "the overall health and welfare"
Explanation: "Well-being" can be replaced with "welfare" for a more formal tone without altering the meaning.
"In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
Explanation: "To conclude" is a more concise and commonly used transition in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay thoroughly addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses the importance of government focus on reducing environmental pollution and resolving housing problems to prevent illness and disease. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position and intention to elaborate on it, which is followed by detailed arguments supporting this viewpoint throughout the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses all parts of the question, adding a brief summary statement in the conclusion reiterating the importance of government action on these issues could enhance clarity and reinforce the essay’s message.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance in favor of prioritizing environmental pollution mitigation and resolving housing issues by governments to prevent health problems. The writer’s position is evident from the introduction and is consistently supported with relevant examples and arguments throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, explicitly stating the writer’s position in the thesis statement could reinforce the essay’s coherence and assist readers in understanding the central argument from the outset.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas related to the importance of addressing environmental pollution and housing issues to prevent illness and disease. Each paragraph introduces a new idea or argument, which is then elaborated upon with relevant examples and data, such as the impact of air pollution on respiratory health and the link between substandard housing and infectious diseases.
- How to improve: While the essay provides compelling arguments and evidence, further elaboration on potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives could strengthen the essay by demonstrating a nuanced understanding of the issue.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a strong focus on the topic throughout, consistently discussing the relationship between environmental pollution, housing problems, and their impact on public health. There are no significant deviations from the central theme, ensuring the essay remains relevant and cohesive.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensuring that each paragraph directly relates to the central argument and avoiding tangential discussions could further enhance the essay’s coherence and effectiveness.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a thorough understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments supporting the importance of government action on environmental pollution and housing issues to prevent illness and disease. To further improve, the writer could consider reinforcing the thesis statement in the introduction, providing a brief summary statement in the conclusion, and offering additional depth by addressing potential counterarguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that states the writer’s stance and provides a roadmap for the subsequent paragraphs. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect: the importance of mitigating environmental pollution in the first body paragraph and addressing housing issues in the second body paragraph. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points presented in the essay.
- How to improve: While the overall organization is sound, ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs could further enhance coherence. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs more explicitly, thereby facilitating a seamless flow of information.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to organize its content. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect related to the essay prompt: the impact of environmental pollution on health in the first paragraph and the consequences of housing issues in the second paragraph. Within each paragraph, the ideas are developed coherently, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of the paragraph. Additionally, consider varying the length and complexity of sentences within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to maintain coherence and cohesion. Examples include cohesive devices such as "initially," "furthermore," and "in conclusion," which signal the progression of ideas throughout the essay. Additionally, pronouns and referencing phrases are used effectively to connect related ideas within and across paragraphs.
- How to improve: While the essay already utilizes cohesive devices effectively, incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore") and transitional phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "in contrast") can further strengthen the coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain coherence at a high level.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing information, utilizing paragraphs appropriately, and employing a range of cohesive devices. To further enhance coherence, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs and expanding the repertoire of cohesive devices used. Additionally, maintaining consistency in the application of cohesive devices will contribute to a more cohesive and coherent essay overall.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout. There is evidence of varied lexical choices, such as "contemporary society," "advocate," "prioritization," "mitigating," "exacerbated," "alarming," "vulnerability," "substantial," "discharge," "residing," "contaminated," "averted," "tackling," "compel," "substandard," "conduct," "staggering," "sufficient," "compelled," "utilize," "elevating," "susceptibility," "allocation," "enhancement," etc. These words contribute to a sophisticated expression of ideas and effectively convey the writer’s arguments.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates a strong lexical range, further enriching it with more specialized or nuanced vocabulary could enhance the depth of expression. For instance, instead of "significant," consider using "profound" or "marked"; instead of "challenge," opt for "dilemma" or "predicament." Additionally, integrating domain-specific terminology related to environmental science or public health could elevate the precision and sophistication of the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, terms like "mitigating environmental pollution," "substandard living conditions," and "vulnerability to infectious diseases" are used accurately to articulate specific concepts related to the prompt. However, there are instances where slightly more precise vocabulary choices could enhance clarity and specificity. For example, instead of "safeguarding individuals," consider using "protecting individuals," which provides a clearer indication of the intended action.
- How to improve: To further enhance precision, carefully consider the nuances of word choices and their contextual appropriateness. Utilize vocabulary that precisely reflects the intended meaning without ambiguity. Engage in active vocabulary expansion by exploring synonyms and related terms to identify the most fitting expressions for conveying ideas with utmost clarity and accuracy.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of spelling accuracy, with no notable instances of misspelled words or typographical errors observed. The author maintains consistent spelling throughout the essay, which contributes to the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To maintain the current level of spelling accuracy, continue to prioritize thorough proofreading and editing practices. Utilize spell-checking tools and consider seeking feedback from peers or educators to identify any overlooked spelling errors. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling conventions and irregularities to strengthen spelling proficiency further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and subordinate clauses. For instance, the essay employs complex sentences such as "The substantial discharge of exhaust emissions from factories in prominent cities such as Hanoi and HCM has significantly exacerbated air pollution, resulting in alarmingly polluted air quality in Vietnam." This complexity adds depth to the argument and showcases the writer’s ability to construct sophisticated sentences.
- How to improve: While the essay already exhibits a diverse range of structures, incorporating occasional use of rhetorical questions, conditional sentences, or inverted syntax can further enhance the richness of expression. Experimenting with different sentence beginnings and lengths could also contribute to a more engaging and dynamic prose style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are a couple of instances where subject-verb agreement could be improved, such as "a staggering 80% of the population in many countries face" where "face" should agree with the singular subject "80%". Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases, as seen in "In numerous nations, poverty and overcrowding compel individuals to reside in substandard living conditions."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s advisable to carefully proofread the essay, paying particular attention to subject-verb agreement and punctuation rules. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help in identifying and rectifying any overlooked errors. Additionally, reviewing the rules for comma usage in introductory phrases and clauses can assist in ensuring proper punctuation throughout the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s society, some people suggest that governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and addressing housing problems to prevent illnesses and diseases. I completely agree with this viewpoint and will explain why in detail.

Firstly, I believe that reducing environmental pollution is essential for protecting people from respiratory diseases. The high levels of exhaust emissions from factories in major cities like Hanoi and HCM have greatly worsened air quality in Vietnam. Living in such polluted areas can increase the risk of serious illnesses such as lung cancer or asthma. However, these diseases can be prevented by reducing the amount of harmful fumes released into the air.

Additionally, addressing housing issues can help prevent serious illnesses among individuals. In many countries, poverty and overcrowding force people to live in poor conditions. According to recent research by the BBC, a large percentage of the population in these countries struggle to afford basic necessities like food and clean water. As a result, they often have to use contaminated water from rivers or ponds for cooking and drinking, which increases their risk of diseases like cholera or dysentery. If governments invested more in providing free and clean water to these areas, the overall health of the residents would greatly improve.

In conclusion, it is vital for policymakers to prioritize reducing environmental pollution and improving living conditions to ensure the health and well-being of citizens.