Some people say in order to prevent illnesses and diseases, the government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is advised that governments should place emphasis on solving environmental contamination and housing issues in order to prevent illnesses and diseases. From my perspective, I totally agree with this practice
First and foremost, with the emergence of urbanization, there has been an increasing number of private cars in metropolitan areas. With a large amount of gas emissions released into the atmosphere, especially during rush hours, this will exert a bad influence on the citizens’ health, leading to some respiratory problems such as asthma and lung diseases. In addition, the disposal of toxic substances can inflict damage on residents’ health as they use water from rivers for domestic consumption. By implementing measures to reduce pollution levels, governments can help minimize the risk of illnesses associated with the environment.
In terms of housing problems, the first reason for this practice is the lack of accommodation. To be specific, there are numerous homeless people who live outside on the streets, which means that they are exposed to extreme weather conditions, dampness, and bacteria. As a consequence, these people are prone to health-related illnesses. Besides, overcrowded living conditions also increase the likelihood of infectious diseases as people have limited space for social distancing and maintaining hygiene practices. By investing in improving housing conditions and addressing homelessness, governments can create a healthier environment where inhabitants are less likely to have health-related issues.
In conclusion, I strongly support the idea of allocating the national budget to solving environmental and accommodation problems since it can mitigate the residents’ illnesses and improve their living standards.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"totally agree" -> "strongly endorse"
Explanation: "Totally agree" is too informal for academic writing. "Strongly endorse" maintains the author’s viewpoint while using more formal language.
"First and foremost" -> "Primarily"
Explanation: "First and foremost" is somewhat informal. "Primarily" is a more formal alternative that maintains the structure of the sentence.
"bad influence" -> "adverse impact"
Explanation: "Bad influence" is colloquial. "Adverse impact" is a more precise and formal term suitable for academic writing.
"gas emissions" -> "vehicle emissions"
Explanation: "Gas emissions" is somewhat ambiguous. "Vehicle emissions" specifies the source more clearly, enhancing the clarity of the sentence.
"especially during rush hours" -> "particularly during peak traffic times"
Explanation: "Especially during rush hours" is informal. "Particularly during peak traffic times" provides a more specific and formal description.
"dispose of toxic substances" -> "dispose of hazardous waste"
Explanation: "Dispose of toxic substances" is somewhat vague. "Dispose of hazardous waste" is a more precise and formal term.
"inflict damage on" -> "pose a threat to"
Explanation: "Inflict damage on" is more commonly used in contexts of intentional harm. "Pose a threat to" is a more appropriate term for unintentional harm, in line with the context.
"homeless people" -> "individuals experiencing homelessness"
Explanation: "Homeless people" can be seen as stigmatizing. "Individuals experiencing homelessness" is a more respectful and inclusive term.
"live outside on the streets" -> "reside on the streets"
Explanation: "Live outside on the streets" is redundant and informal. "Reside on the streets" is more concise and formal.
"extreme weather conditions" -> "harsh weather conditions"
Explanation: "Extreme weather conditions" is somewhat vague. "Harsh weather conditions" is more specific and formal.
"dampness" -> "moisture"
Explanation: "Dampness" is somewhat informal. "Moisture" is a more formal term that retains the meaning.
"as a consequence" -> "consequently"
Explanation: "As a consequence" is slightly informal. "Consequently" is a more formal and concise alternative.
"overcrowded living conditions" -> "congested living conditions"
Explanation: "Overcrowded living conditions" can be slightly informal. "Congested living conditions" maintains formality and clarity.
"less likely to have health-related issues" -> "less susceptible to health-related concerns"
Explanation: "Health-related issues" is a bit informal. "Health-related concerns" is a more formal alternative that maintains clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question by discussing both environmental pollution and housing problems in relation to preventing illnesses and diseases. The introduction clearly states the agreement with the idea that governments should focus on these areas.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, it would be beneficial to provide a balanced discussion by briefly acknowledging potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives. This can add depth to the analysis and demonstrate a broader understanding of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing in favor of government focus on environmental pollution and housing problems to prevent illnesses and diseases. Each paragraph reinforces this stance.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph’s topic sentence explicitly links back to the main argument, reinforcing the essay’s overall stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately and supports them with examples and reasoning. It discusses the health impacts of environmental pollution and housing problems, providing specific instances such as respiratory issues due to pollution and health risks associated with homelessness.
- How to improve: To extend ideas, consider providing additional examples or incorporating relevant statistics and studies to bolster the argument’s credibility and depth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between environmental pollution, housing problems, and public health. However, there are minor instances where the discussion could be more tightly linked to the central theme.
- How to improve: To maintain a strong focus, ensure that every sentence directly contributes to the main argument. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly relate to the prompt.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively argues for the government’s role in addressing environmental pollution and housing issues to prevent illnesses and diseases. By refining the balance of perspectives, reinforcing clarity throughout, extending ideas with more examples or evidence, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic, the essay can further improve and potentially reach a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear logical organization by presenting two main arguments in separate paragraphs: the impact of environmental pollution on health and the influence of housing problems on public health. Each paragraph contains a topic sentence that introduces the main idea followed by supporting details and examples. This structure allows for a coherent development of ideas and facilitates understanding for the reader.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs to ensure smoother connectivity between ideas. Additionally, providing a brief overview or roadmap of the essay’s main points in the introduction could help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate distinct ideas and arguments. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as the impact of pollution or housing problems, and provides detailed explanations and examples to support the main point. This approach enhances readability and clarity, making it easier for the reader to follow the essay’s argument.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph maintains unity and coherence by sticking to a single main idea. Additionally, consider varying sentence structure within paragraphs to enhance engagement and flow.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "first and foremost," "in addition"), pronouns (e.g., "this practice," "these people"), and transitional phrases (e.g., "in terms of," "in conclusion"). These cohesive devices help to establish connections between ideas, signal shifts between paragraphs, and reinforce the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, incorporating a wider range of transitional phrases and synonyms for cohesion could further enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay. Additionally, pay attention to the consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary related to the topic. There is evidence of varied word choice, such as "emergence of urbanization," "accommodation," "inflict damage," and "allocating the national budget." However, some repetition of vocabulary, such as "health-related illnesses," could be diversified to enhance lexical richness.
- How to improve: To further enhance the range of vocabulary, try incorporating more specific and varied terminology related to environmental pollution and housing issues. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "health-related illnesses," consider using terms like "environmental hazards," "housing-related ailments," or "public health concerns." Additionally, aim to introduce more nuanced vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision. For example, phrases like "private cars," "toxic substances," and "overcrowded living conditions" effectively convey specific concepts. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise or contextually accurate. For instance, the term "extreme weather conditions" could be specified further to indicate specific weather phenomena like "harsh winters" or "sweltering summers" to add clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that precisely conveys the intended meaning in each context. Avoid vague or overly general terms by opting for more descriptive language. Additionally, consider incorporating domain-specific vocabulary related to environmental science and public health to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. There are no glaring spelling errors that detract from the readability or comprehension of the text. However, it’s essential to remain vigilant about spelling accuracy to ensure consistency and professionalism in written communication.
- How to improve: Continue practicing spelling and proofreading techniques to maintain a high level of accuracy. Utilize spell-check tools and allocate sufficient time for revising and editing written work to catch any potential spelling errors. Additionally, consider expanding your vocabulary through reading and actively noting correct spelling to reinforce learning.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary, enhancing precision, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy. By incorporating targeted vocabulary expansion efforts and refining language usage, the writer can further elevate the lexical quality of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences, conditional clauses, and transitions. For instance, the essay employs varied sentence structures such as compound and complex sentences ("With a large amount of gas emissions released into the atmosphere, especially during rush hours, this will exert a bad influence on the citizens’ health"), conditional clauses ("By implementing measures to reduce pollution levels, governments can help minimize the risk of illnesses associated with the environment"), and concise transitions ("In addition", "Besides"). These structures enhance coherence and cohesion, contributing to the overall effectiveness of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the richness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more advanced grammatical features such as inversion, parallelism, and reduced relative clauses. Additionally, strive for greater diversity in sentence length to maintain reader engagement and emphasize key points effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor errors detract from the overall clarity and precision of the writing. For example, the phrase "there has been an increasing number of private cars" could be revised to "there has been an increasing number of private cars" for grammatical accuracy. Additionally, the sentence "As a consequence, these people are prone to health-related illnesses" could benefit from the omission of "health-related" as it is redundant. Punctuation usage is generally correct, though there are occasional instances where commas could be added for clarity or to mark off non-restrictive elements.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the appropriate use of articles. Additionally, proofread carefully to identify and correct minor punctuation errors, ensuring that commas, semicolons, and dashes are used effectively to enhance readability and convey meaning accurately.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation conventions, contributing to its clarity and coherence. By incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the essay could further elevate its effectiveness and sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is recommended that governments prioritize addressing environmental pollution and housing issues to prevent illnesses and diseases. I wholeheartedly endorse this approach.

Firstly, due to urbanization, there has been a surge in private cars in cities. This leads to high levels of gas emissions, particularly during peak traffic hours, adversely affecting citizens’ health. Respiratory problems such as asthma and lung diseases become prevalent. Moreover, improper disposal of toxic substances contaminates rivers, which communities rely on for water, posing further health risks. By implementing measures to reduce pollution, governments can significantly decrease the likelihood of environmental-related illnesses.

Regarding housing problems, the primary issue is the lack of accommodation. Many people find themselves homeless, exposed to harsh weather conditions and unsanitary environments. Consequently, they are susceptible to various health issues. Additionally, overcrowded living conditions hinder proper hygiene practices and social distancing, increasing the risk of infectious diseases. By investing in improving housing conditions and addressing homelessness, governments can create healthier environments where residents are less vulnerable to health-related issues.

In conclusion, I strongly advocate for allocating national resources to tackle environmental and housing challenges. This not only mitigates residents’ illnesses but also enhances their overall living standards.