Some people say that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Nowadays, when society is becoming more and more developed, educating youngsters has become increasingly important, so some people believe that all young people should have a full-time education until they are 18 years old. In my view, I would argue that its unfavorable features are greater than they should be.be scrutinized

On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why children who are less than 18 years old should study full-time at school. Firstly, full-time education allows young people to boost their minds, expand their understanding, and have deeper insight into knowledge about different fields through a wide range of subjects such as math, literature, or history. Full-time learning with the guidance of teachers also creates children who increase their cognitive abilities such as analytical, thinking, reasoning, and problem-solving. Learning will give us have appropriate reactions, experience, knowledge, and competence for decision-making so that we can minimize risks and maximize benefits for problems we may encounter in the future. In addition, full-time study will also make children spend less time on social networks as well as reduce their violent tendencies, helping them gain an all-round development. This will contribute greatly to social development.

On the other hand, I disagree that teenagers should be required to study full-time. The main reason is that the incredible pressure of studying at school accounts for a great deal of how teenagers spend their time so they easily suffer from stress and depression. A typical example is that we can see that many children suffer from depression and even commit suicide because the academic pressure that their parents put on them is too great. In addition, some children are not suited to learning; they have other talents that need to be developed more. Full-time schooling will not give them time to develop other special skills. Young people need more time to improve their strength and expertise to survive and thrive in a harshly competitive ever changing society therefore, they need to find their way. Choosing things that are not suitable for them and often receiving low results will make children doubt their abilities and efforts and they also feel distraught, distracted, discouraged, and depressed,

In conclusion, although people believe that all young people should have a full-time education until they are 18 years old.is truly beneficial. I find myself in full accord with the notion that studying full-time has more adverse effects and we should put it under scrutiny. And it seems to me that young learners should balance their timetable by taking part in outdoor activities rather than studying day by day.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"more and more developed" -> "increasingly developed"
Explanation: "Increasingly" is a more formal and precise adverb that enhances the academic tone, replacing the informal and vague "more and more."
"educating youngsters" -> "educating young people"
Explanation: "Young people" is a more formal and inclusive term compared to "youngsters," which can sound informal and slightly derogatory.
"its unfavorable features" -> "its disadvantages"
Explanation: "Disadvantages" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "unfavorable features," which is vague and less commonly used in formal writing.
"be scrutinized" -> "be examined"
Explanation: "Examined" is a more precise and formal verb than "scrutinized," which can imply a more intense or critical examination than is intended here.
"boost their minds" -> "enhance their cognitive abilities"
Explanation: "Enhance their cognitive abilities" is a more precise and formal way to describe the improvement of mental faculties, replacing the colloquial "boost their minds."
"have deeper insight" -> "gain deeper insights"
Explanation: "Gain deeper insights" is grammatically correct and more formal, replacing the less formal "have deeper insight."
"Learning will give us have" -> "Learning will provide"
Explanation: "Provide" is the correct verb form to use in this context, correcting the grammatical error and enhancing formality.
"spend less time on social networks" -> "spend less time on social media"
Explanation: "Social media" is a more specific and commonly used term in academic contexts than "social networks."
"violent tendencies" -> "aggressive behaviors"
Explanation: "Aggressive behaviors" is a more precise and appropriate term in an academic context, replacing the vague and potentially misleading "violent tendencies."
"all-round development" -> "all-around development"
Explanation: "All-around" is the correct adverbial form for this context, enhancing the formal tone.
"incredible pressure" -> "significant pressure"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more measured and academically appropriate term than "incredible," which can be seen as hyperbolic.
"how teenagers spend their time" -> "how teenagers allocate their time"
Explanation: "Allocate" is a more precise verb for describing the distribution of time, fitting better in an academic context.
"suffer from depression" -> "experience depression"
Explanation: "Experience" is a more formal and less colloquial term than "suffer from," which can imply a more passive and negative connotation.
"survive and thrive" -> "succeed and thrive"
Explanation: "Succeed" is a more precise and formal term than "survive," which can imply mere existence rather than success.
"harshly competitive" -> "highly competitive"
Explanation: "Highly competitive" is a more formal and commonly used phrase in academic writing than "harshly competitive," which is less standard.
"choosing things that are not suitable" -> "selecting activities that are not suitable"
Explanation: "Selecting activities" is more specific and formal than "choosing things," which is vague and informal.
"receiving low results" -> "achieving poor results"
Explanation: "Achieving poor results" is a more formal and precise way to describe academic outcomes, replacing the less formal "receiving low results."
"distracted, discouraged, and depressed" -> "distracted, discouraged, and disheartened"
Explanation: "Disheartened" is a more formal synonym for "depressed," fitting better in an academic context than the colloquial "depressed."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding full-time education for young people until the age of 18. It presents reasons for supporting full-time education, such as cognitive development and reduced exposure to negative influences, while also articulating a clear disagreement based on the pressures and mental health issues associated with such an educational model. However, the response could have been more balanced, as the arguments against full-time education are more developed than those in favor.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides are discussed more equally. This could involve providing additional examples or evidence for the benefits of full-time education, perhaps citing studies or statistics that support the positive impacts of structured learning environments.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against mandatory full-time education for young people, emphasizing the negative consequences such as stress and the stifling of individual talents. However, the introduction contains a somewhat convoluted statement that could confuse readers about the writer’s stance. Phrases like "its unfavorable features are greater than they should be" lack clarity and may lead to misinterpretation.
- How to improve: The writer should strive for clarity in the introduction by explicitly stating their position in a straightforward manner. For instance, a clearer thesis statement could be: "While full-time education has its benefits, I believe that it can have detrimental effects on young people’s mental health and personal development."
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a range of ideas, particularly in the arguments against full-time education, such as mental health issues and the need for personal development. However, some points are not fully developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, the mention of children suffering from depression due to academic pressure is a strong point but could be enhanced with statistics or studies to provide more weight to the argument.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to elaborate on key points with specific examples or data. For instance, when discussing the negative impact of academic pressure, citing a study that shows the correlation between academic stress and mental health issues would bolster the argument significantly.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt directly. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the conclusion, where the phrase "studying day by day" could imply a more general critique of education rather than addressing the specific issue of full-time education until 18.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all parts of the essay directly relate back to the prompt. The conclusion should succinctly summarize the main arguments made in the essay without introducing new ideas or vague phrases. A more direct restatement of the position taken in the essay would help reinforce the central argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in clarity, balance, and support for ideas could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument with distinct viewpoints on the topic. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized into opposing views. For example, the first paragraph outlines the benefits of full-time education, while the second addresses the drawbacks. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the shift from discussing academic pressure to the need for personal development feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "Conversely," "In contrast") can help guide the reader more effectively through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the paragraph discussing the negative aspects of full-time education is overly long and could be broken down into smaller sections. This would help in maintaining clarity and allowing the reader to digest the information more easily.
- How to improve: Aim to limit each paragraph to one main idea, supported by relevant examples. For instance, the second body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the mental health issues caused by academic pressure and another on the importance of nurturing individual talents. This would create a more balanced structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "In addition," and "On the other hand," which help in linking ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "This will contribute greatly to social development" at the end of the first body paragraph feels disconnected from the preceding sentences.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Moreover" to introduce additional points, "Consequently" to show cause and effect, or "Nevertheless" to present contrasting ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly relates to the content of the sentences it connects, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a more polished and coherent structure, potentially raising the band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "cognitive abilities," "analytical," and "all-round development" showcasing some lexical variety. However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with phrases like "full-time education" and "young people," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or related phrases to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "full-time education," you might use "comprehensive schooling" or "intensive academic programs." Additionally, integrating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "curriculum," "pedagogy," or "holistic development," could elevate the lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "its unfavorable features are greater than they should be" is unclear and awkwardly constructed, leading to confusion about what "they" refers to. Additionally, the phrase "boost their minds" is somewhat vague and could be articulated more precisely.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and specificity in vocabulary choices. Instead of "boost their minds," consider using "enhance cognitive development" or "stimulate intellectual growth." Furthermore, clarify ambiguous phrases by restructuring sentences for better coherence. For example, rephrase the opening statement to clearly state the argument without ambiguity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "be scrutinized" (which seems to be a typographical error) and "therefore, they need to find their way," where the sentence structure is awkward. Additionally, "experience" is used in a context that suggests a different word might be more appropriate, although it is spelled correctly.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, practice proofreading your work carefully before submission. Utilize spell-check tools and read the essay aloud to catch any errors or awkward phrasing. Additionally, familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words and their correct forms, and consider creating a list of vocabulary that you find challenging to spell.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments effectively, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, improving precision, and enhancing spelling accuracy will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "full-time education allows young people to boost their minds" and "the incredible pressure of studying at school accounts for a great deal of how teenagers spend their time" shows an attempt to employ more complex structures. However, the essay often relies on similar patterns, such as starting sentences with "full-time education" or "young people," which limits the overall variety. Additionally, some sentences are overly long and convoluted, making them difficult to follow.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more varied sentence openings and lengths. For instance, using introductory clauses or phrases can diversify sentence beginnings. Additionally, breaking down long sentences into shorter, clearer ones can improve readability. Practicing different sentence structures, such as using conditional clauses or varying the placement of adverbial phrases, will also help.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, the phrase "its unfavorable features are greater than they should be.be scrutinized" contains a typographical error and lacks clarity. Additionally, the sentence "Learning will give us have appropriate reactions" is grammatically incorrect. There are also instances of missing commas, particularly in compound sentences, which can confuse the reader. The use of "therefore" in "survive and thrive in a harshly competitive ever changing society therefore, they need to find their way" is also incorrect as it improperly connects two independent clauses without appropriate punctuation.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for typographical errors and ensuring that sentences are grammatically correct. Regular practice with grammar exercises, especially focusing on common errors like subject-verb agreement and sentence fragments, can be beneficial. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for compound sentences and the use of commas, will help clarify meaning. Reading essays aloud can also aid in identifying awkward phrasing or grammatical mistakes.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, addressing the identified weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Currently, as society becomes increasingly developed, educating young people has gained significant importance. Some individuals believe that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old. In my view, I would argue that its disadvantages outweigh the benefits and should be examined more closely.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why children under 18 should study full-time at school. Firstly, full-time education allows young people to enhance their cognitive abilities, expand their understanding, and gain deeper insights into various fields through a wide range of subjects such as math, literature, and history. Full-time learning, guided by teachers, helps children develop essential skills such as analytical thinking, reasoning, and problem-solving. Learning will provide them with appropriate reactions, experiences, knowledge, and competence for decision-making, enabling them to minimize risks and maximize benefits when faced with future challenges. Additionally, full-time study encourages children to spend less time on social media and reduces aggressive behaviors, contributing to their all-around development. This, in turn, greatly benefits social progress.

On the other hand, I disagree with the notion that teenagers should be required to study full-time. The significant pressure of academic demands often dictates how teenagers allocate their time, leading many to experience stress and depression. A typical example is the alarming number of children who suffer from depression and even commit suicide due to the immense academic pressure imposed by their parents. Furthermore, some children may not be suited to traditional learning; they possess other talents that require nurturing. Full-time schooling may not provide them with the time needed to develop these special skills. Young people need opportunities to cultivate their strengths and expertise to succeed and thrive in a highly competitive and ever-changing society. Consequently, selecting activities that are not suitable for them and frequently achieving poor results can lead to feelings of doubt about their abilities, leaving them distracted, discouraged, and disheartened.

In conclusion, while some people believe that all young people should have full-time education until they are 18 years old, I find that studying full-time has more adverse effects and should be scrutinized. It seems to me that young learners should strive for a balanced timetable by engaging in outdoor activities rather than studying continuously.