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Some people say that having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people say that having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time.
Do you agree or disagree?

It is a common belief that spending time earning money and having less spare time is more beneficial than having more free time and less money. In my opinion, I partly agree with this opinion since many residents need enough budgets to solve their problems, but free time is also indispensable for them to relieve stress.
On one hand, people need to have income to deal with financial issues. There are many kinds of things which they have to worry about and allocate money to. For instance, in some countries such as Vietnam, the basic tuition fee is so costly for parents to pay for their children to go to school; not only that, several other fees can also arise to serve studying purposes such as buying books, learning English at some centres. Moreover, the eating demand of Vietnamese residents is also high. Although they can earn a little money per month, they still spend it immediately after receiving their salaries to buy some expensive dishes like crayfish, crab, etc. As a result, it is clear that people need to earn more money instead of spending more free time to satisfy their demands and deal with financial problems.
On the other hand, it is evident that spare time plays an important role in reducing tension. After working hard and suffering from high pressure, all people should have some breaks by playing some sports or listening to music to revitalize mentally and physically. For example, the suicide rate in Hanoi has been increasing steadily due to depression from working continually in a long time. Hence, the government has been encouraging people to spend more time doing some thing they can enjoy rather than only working to earning a living. People also know that how high pressure affect their health and efficiency, so they have been reducing working time and spend this amount of time doing exercise or having memories with others. Obviously, taking a nap is so essential to improve people’s health.
In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, I believe that both spare time and money are also vital for each person, so people need to balance between them to gain the best efficiency and ensure their health.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "spending time earning money" -> "engaging in paid work"
    Explanation: "Spending time earning money" is a bit informal. Using "engaging in paid work" maintains the context while employing a more formal phrase suitable for academic writing.

  2. "less spare time" -> "limited leisure time"
    Explanation: "Less spare time" could be expressed more precisely as "limited leisure time," aligning better with formal language conventions.

  3. "indispensable" -> "essential"
    Explanation: While "indispensable" isn’t incorrect, "essential" is a more commonly used term in academic contexts and flows more smoothly in the sentence.

  4. "things which they have to worry about and allocate money to" -> "expenses they need to manage"
    Explanation: Simplifying and refining the phrase to "expenses they need to manage" maintains the meaning while presenting it in a more concise and formal manner.

  5. "the eating demand of Vietnamese residents is also high" -> "Vietnamese residents’ dietary needs are significant"
    Explanation: Using "dietary needs" in place of "eating demand" maintains formality and clarity.

  6. "they still spend it immediately after receiving their salaries to buy some expensive dishes like crayfish, crab, etc." -> "they promptly spend it on expensive items such as crayfish, crab, etc."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality without losing the intended meaning.

  7. "satisfy their demands" -> "meet their needs"
    Explanation: "Satisfy their demands" can be replaced with a more common phrase, "meet their needs," which fits well in academic writing.

  8. "tension" -> "stress"
    Explanation: While "tension" is acceptable, "stress" is a more direct and commonly used term in academic contexts.

  9. "revitalize mentally and physically" -> "rejuvenate mentally and physically"
    Explanation: "Rejuvenate" conveys a similar meaning to "revitalize" in a more sophisticated manner.

  10. "depression from working continually in a long time" -> "depression resulting from prolonged work"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and conciseness while maintaining the formal tone.

  11. "spend more time doing some thing they can enjoy" -> "dedicate more time to enjoyable activities"
    Explanation: Revising the phrase for clarity and formality without altering the intended meaning.

  12. "having memories with others" -> "creating memories with others"
    Explanation: "Creating memories with others" better conveys the intended idea in a more formal manner.

  13. "so essential to improve people’s health" -> "vital for improving people’s health"
    Explanation: "Vital" is a slightly more formal synonym for "essential" that fits well within academic writing conventions.

  14. "for the reasons mentioned above" -> "for the aforementioned reasons"
    Explanation: Using "aforementioned" instead of "mentioned above" enhances formality without altering the sentence’s meaning.

Overall, these changes aim to maintain the essay’s clarity while enhancing its academic and formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing the importance of earning money and the significance of having free time. Relevant examples, such as the cost of education and the impact of high-pressure jobs on mental health, are provided to support the response.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, the writer can consider providing more specific examples and elaborating further on how individuals can balance both aspects effectively.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position by stating a partial agreement with the idea that having more money and less free time is beneficial. The stance is consistent throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: While the position is clear, the writer can strengthen the essay by explicitly stating their position in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion for emphasis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and supports ideas. Examples such as the cost of education and the importance of leisure activities are well-developed, providing a thorough explanation.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay, the writer can consider adding more depth to the analysis of the examples, connecting them explicitly to the overall argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relationship between money, free time, and their impact on individuals. However, there are moments when the discussion becomes somewhat repetitive.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contributes uniquely to the overall argument. Avoid redundancy and aim for a more streamlined and concise expression of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, providing relevant examples and maintaining a consistent position. To improve, the writer should aim for greater depth in analysis, avoid repetition, and explicitly state their position in the introduction and conclusion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position, and subsequent paragraphs present arguments in a cohesive manner. The progression of ideas is discernible, with a shift from the importance of money to the significance of free time. However, there are instances where the transitions between ideas could be smoother, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit transitional phrases between paragraphs and ideas. For instance, phrases like "On the other hand" and "In conclusion" help guide the reader through the essay’s structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and a clearer focus on a central theme.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a coherent structure. Develop each idea with specific examples and analysis to strengthen the overall argument. This will contribute to a more balanced and well-structured essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "On one hand," "Moreover," "In conclusion"). These devices contribute to the overall cohesion, providing a sense of the essay’s structure. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used, including pronouns and parallel structures.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices beyond transition words. Incorporate pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts and maintain consistency. Employ parallel structures to enhance the symmetry and coherence of sentences, making the essay more fluid and reader-friendly.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, incorporating the suggested improvements will further enhance its organization and strengthen the overall argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to financial matters, personal needs, and stress relief. There’s usage of words such as "budgets," "allocate money," "demand," "satisfy their demands," "revitalize," "suicide rate," and "efficiency," among others.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider introducing synonyms or alternative phrases for repeated words or expressions. Additionally, incorporating more diverse vocabulary related to financial management, leisure activities, and mental health could enrich the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise. For example, phrases like "serve studying purposes" could be refined to more specific terms like "educational needs" or "academic requirements." Also, the phrase "buy some expensive dishes" might benefit from more precise descriptors, such as "luxury cuisine."
    • How to improve: Focus on using more precise and contextually appropriate vocabulary. Revisit phrases and consider if there are more accurate or nuanced terms that could elevate the essay’s clarity and depth. Consulting a thesaurus or academic vocabulary resources might help in finding more precise terms.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate level of spelling accuracy. Some errors include "thing" instead of "things," "some thing" instead of "something," and "efficiency" is misspelled as "effecience."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, practice regularly with spelling exercises and proofread written work meticulously. Utilize spell-check tools and consider making a personal list of commonly misspelled words to focus on improvement.

In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a decent range of vocabulary related to the prompt, enhancing precision and spelling accuracy would elevate the lexical resource score. Encouraging the use of a wider variety of vocabulary while ensuring precision and accuracy can significantly strengthen the overall quality of the essay in meeting the criteria for a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences throughout the essay. However, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence variety. A majority of sentences are relatively straightforward, and there is a limited use of complex structures such as compound-complex sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce compound-complex sentences to add depth and sophistication to the writing. For instance, vary the use of sentence types by combining ideas more elaborately or introducing subordination.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors. For example, in the sentence, "For instance, in some countries such as Vietnam, the basic tuition fee is so costly for parents to pay for their children to go to school," there is a slight awkwardness in phrasing. Additionally, there are occasional issues with subject-verb agreement and preposition use.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining sentence structures for clarity. Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure prepositions are used accurately. In the example mentioned, consider rephrasing to enhance clarity, such as "For instance, in countries like Vietnam, parents find it challenging to afford the high tuition fees required for their children’s education."
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage is generally correct, but there are instances where it could be improved for better readability. For example, there is a lack of variety in punctuation marks, and there are a few instances where commas could be used more effectively to enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: Diversify punctuation use by incorporating semicolons, colons, and dashes where appropriate to add variety and clarity. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of commas, ensuring they are used to separate ideas and clauses effectively. For instance, consider revising sentences where commas may enhance the flow, such as "After working hard and suffering from high pressure, all people should have some breaks by playing some sports or listening to music to revitalize mentally and physically."

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and sentence structures, improvements in sentence variety, grammar accuracy, and punctuation usage can contribute to a more polished and refined piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely believed that prioritizing earning money and having less free time is more advantageous than having ample free time but limited financial resources. In my view, I partially agree with this perspective because individuals require sufficient funds to address their concerns, yet leisure time is equally essential for stress relief.

On one hand, individuals must secure income to manage financial challenges. Various financial responsibilities demand their attention and financial allocation. For instance, in countries like Vietnam, parents face the daunting task of affording steep tuition fees for their children’s education. Additionally, there are ancillary costs associated with education, such as purchasing textbooks and enrolling in English language courses. Moreover, the dietary needs of Vietnamese residents are significant. Despite earning modest monthly incomes, they promptly spend their salaries on pricey items like crayfish and crab. Consequently, it is evident that people must focus on earning more money rather than allocating additional free time to fulfill their demands and tackle financial issues.

On the other hand, it is clear that leisure time plays a crucial role in alleviating stress. Following periods of strenuous work and high-pressure situations, individuals should take breaks by engaging in activities like sports or listening to music to rejuvenate both mentally and physically. For instance, the rising suicide rate in Hanoi can be attributed to prolonged work-related stress. Consequently, the government advocates for people to invest time in activities they enjoy rather than solely focusing on work for sustenance. Individuals are increasingly aware of the detrimental effects of high-pressure environments on their health and productivity, prompting them to reduce working hours and allocate this time to exercise or creating memories with others. Undoubtedly, taking breaks, including short naps, is crucial for improving people’s overall health.

In conclusion, considering the aforementioned reasons, I believe that both free time and financial resources are indispensable for every individual. Therefore, striking a balance between them is crucial to achieve optimal efficiency and ensure overall well-being.

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