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Some people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others, however, say that life for the elderly nowadays is much better than it was in the past. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people say that in the modern world, getting old is entirely bad. Others, however, say that life for the elderly nowadays is much better than it was in the past.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In this contemporary era, there is an ongoing discussion regarding the life of elderly people. Some individuals contend that they currently experience a higher living standard than in the earlier times, whereas others do not advocate this viewpoint. In the following essay, I will discuss both two views and present my proponent toward the former standpoint.
On the one hand, these days, the fast pace of life potentially separates young generations from their parents and grandparents. To be more specific, due to the availability of job vacancies in major cities where companies are frequently based, a huge number of young adults leave their hometown to pursue their dream jobs. This leads to the deepened existing generation gap, thereby contributing to an inharmonious home atmosphere and the deterioration of the senior citizens’ mental well-being.
Despite the argument above, I firmly suppose that the quality of life has been significantly enhanced for the elderly in recent years. Firstly, unlike poor medical services in the past, facilitated by scientific advancements on healthcare, such adverse illnesses related to cardiovascular and respiratory systems as high blood pressure, stroke or tuberculosis, currently, have been partially tackled with appropriate treatment. This consequently contributes to the physical wealth of old residents. Moreover, the escalating number in nursing homes is further attributed to the better life for people who are getting old since they can communicate with other elderly people and receive meticulous care from professionals.
In conclusion, although the pace of life may worsen their quality of life, I firmly believe that the aged can benefit from the modern era, fueled by the better health system.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Some individuals contend" -> "Some argue"
    Explanation: Replacing "Some individuals contend" with "Some argue" maintains formality and removes unnecessary verbosity.

  2. "both two views" -> "both perspectives"
    Explanation: The phrase "both two views" is redundant; using "both perspectives" is more concise and academically appropriate.

  3. "proponent toward the former standpoint" -> "support for the former perspective"
    Explanation: "Proponent toward" is awkward; replacing it with "support for" and changing "standpoint" to "perspective" improves clarity and formality.

  4. "fast pace of life potentially separates" -> "rapid pace of life may potentially create a gap"
    Explanation: Replacing "fast pace of life potentially separates" with "rapid pace of life may potentially create a gap" enhances precision and maintains formality.

  5. "job vacancies in major cities where companies are frequently based" -> "employment opportunities in major urban centers where companies are predominantly located"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and provides a detailed description, enhancing the academic tone.

  6. "huge number of young adults" -> "a substantial number of young adults"
    Explanation: "Huge" is less formal; replacing it with "substantial" improves the formality of the expression.

  7. "leads to the deepened existing generation gap" -> "contributes to a widening generation gap"
    Explanation: The alternative phrase "contributes to a widening generation gap" is more concise and maintains formality.

  8. "the deterioration of the senior citizens’ mental well-being" -> "the decline in the mental well-being of the elderly"
    Explanation: The suggested change provides a more precise and formal expression for the concept.

  9. "firmly suppose" -> "firmly believe"
    Explanation: "Firmly believe" is a stronger and more formal expression than "firmly suppose."

  10. "adverse illnesses" -> "serious illnesses"
    Explanation: Using "serious illnesses" is more precise and maintains a formal tone.

  11. "escalating number in nursing homes" -> "rising number of nursing homes"
    Explanation: "Rising number of nursing homes" is a more formal and clear expression.

  12. "since they can communicate" -> "as they can interact"
    Explanation: "As they can interact" is a more formal and precise alternative to "since they can communicate."

Note: The revised essay is provided with the suggested improvements incorporated into the text for better clarity and understanding.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives on whether getting old in the modern world is entirely bad or if life for the elderly is better than in the past. The introduction introduces the topic, and the body paragraphs present arguments from both viewpoints before stating the author’s opinion.
    • How to improve: While the essay successfully addresses both views, the depth of analysis could be improved. Providing more specific examples and discussing potential counterarguments would enhance the overall response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position in favor of the idea that the quality of life for the elderly has significantly improved in recent years. This position is consistently supported throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the author could consider anticipating and addressing potential counterarguments to make the stance more robust.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. Specific examples are provided, such as the impact of the fast pace of life on the elderly and the positive effects of scientific advancements on healthcare. Each idea is logically developed.
    • How to improve: To enhance the overall development of ideas, consider providing more nuanced details and expanding on the potential consequences or benefits discussed. This will add depth to the argumentation.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the two contrasting views on the life of the elderly in the modern world. However, there is a slight deviation in the second body paragraph, where the focus shifts to the improvement in medical services. While relevant, a clearer connection to the overall argument could be established.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each point made in the essay directly relates to the overarching theme. In this case, when discussing medical services, explicitly connect it back to the overall improvement in the quality of life for the elderly.

Overall, this essay effectively addresses the prompt, presents a clear stance, supports ideas with examples, and stays largely on topic. To improve, the author should aim for more in-depth analysis, consider potential counterarguments, and maintain a strong connection between each point and the main argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay follows a clear organizational structure. It starts with an introduction that introduces the topic and the two opposing views. The body paragraphs are logically organized, with one paragraph presenting the negative view and the other presenting the positive view. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the author’s opinion. However, there is a slight imbalance in the length of the body paragraphs, with the negative view receiving more attention than the positive view.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure an equal and balanced treatment of both views. Consider allocating a more equal number of supporting points to each perspective.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs: introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph serves its purpose, but the body paragraph discussing the negative view is relatively long compared to the one discussing the positive view. Additionally, the essay lacks variety in sentence structures within paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Ensure that body paragraphs are of similar lengths to maintain balance. Introduce more sentence variety, incorporating both simple and complex sentences for a smoother flow.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices adequately, such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "Despite the argument above," "Moreover," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of these devices. Additionally, some sentences lack clarity and could benefit from more explicit connections.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, adverbs, and pronouns, to create smoother transitions between ideas. Clarify connections between sentences by explicitly stating relationships (cause and effect, contrast, etc.).

Overall, the essay demonstrates a generally good grasp of coherence and cohesion. Addressing the identified areas for improvement would further enhance the logical flow and structure, making the essay more cohesive and well-rounded.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and expressions, such as "contemporary era," "generation gap," "facilitated by," and "physical wealth." However, there is a tendency to rely on common or repetitive words and phrases like "getting old," "elderly," and "quality of life," which restricts the diversity of vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, the writer should strive for more variety in vocabulary. Instead of repetitive terms, consider using synonyms or exploring different ways to express ideas. For example, instead of consistently using "getting old," the writer could use alternatives like "aging population" or "senior citizens."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where word choices could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "physical wealth of old residents" may benefit from a more specific term, as "wealth" might create confusion. Additionally, the use of "escalating number" could be refined for precision.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, consider using more specific and contextually fitting words. In the case of "physical wealth," the writer might consider using terms like "health" or "well-being." Regarding "escalating number," specifying the growth or increase in a more detailed manner, such as "a rising trend" or "a surge in," would enhance precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling in the essay is generally accurate. However, there are some minor errors, such as the phrase "the better health system," where "health" should be replaced with "healthcare" for grammatical correctness.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it’s crucial to proofread the essay carefully. Pay attention to common words that may be used interchangeably but have distinct meanings. In this case, replacing "health" with "healthcare" would ensure grammatical correctness. Additionally, using spelling and grammar checking tools can be beneficial to catch such minor errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence lengths. For instance, the essay uses introductory phrases, subordinate clauses, and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in sentence complexity. The majority of sentences tend to be straightforward, and there is a limited use of more intricate structures, such as inversion or conditional sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and add sophistication, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Experiment with inversion, conditional sentences, and different types of clauses to add variety and depth to your writing. For instance, instead of relying predominantly on straightforward sentences, try incorporating conditional structures to express hypothetical situations or use inversion to create a more emphatic impact.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "the following essay" should be preceded by a comma to enhance readability. Additionally, there are minor punctuation issues, such as missing commas in certain compound sentences, which can slightly disrupt the flow.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to punctuation rules, especially concerning the use of commas in compound sentences and after introductory phrases. Proofread your work carefully to catch these minor errors and ensure the correct placement of punctuation marks. For instance, in the sentence "In the following essay, I will discuss both two views," place a comma after "essay" to improve clarity. Additionally, consider reviewing your use of articles (e.g., "the elderly" instead of "old residents") for greater grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, discussions persist about the lives of elderly individuals. Some argue that they currently enjoy a higher standard of living than in the past, while others hold a different perspective. In this essay, I will explore both viewpoints and express my support for the notion that life for the elderly has improved.

On one hand, the rapid pace of modern life may potentially create a gap between young and older generations. Specifically, many young adults move to major urban centers, where companies are predominantly located, in pursuit of job opportunities. This substantial migration contributes to a widening generation gap, leading to an inharmonious home atmosphere and a decline in the mental well-being of senior citizens.

Despite this argument, I firmly believe that the quality of life for the elderly has significantly improved in recent years. Firstly, advancements in healthcare have addressed adverse illnesses related to the cardiovascular and respiratory systems, such as high blood pressure, stroke, or tuberculosis. This, in turn, contributes to the physical well-being of elderly individuals. Furthermore, the increasing number of nursing homes is indicative of a better life for the aging population, as they can interact with fellow elderly residents and receive meticulous care from professionals.

In conclusion, although the fast pace of life may create challenges, I am convinced that the elderly can benefit from the modern era, primarily due to improvements in the health system.

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