Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.

In recent years, music has become a broad issue to the general public. Many people believe that the best way to mutually understand people who have diverse cultures and ages. In my opinion, I partly agree with this idea and discussed below are several reasons in favor of my perspectives.

First and foremost, people should recognize that melody is a bridge between various generations and cultures together. A crucial point to consider is that it can bridge the gap by means of showing deep empathy over their personalities lyrics. To illustrate, I would like to mention that “Cai luong”-traditional music in Viet Nam, shows the independence and freedom by heroes who sacrificed for our country. By way of that, youngsters can gain joint comprehension about the courageous fighting spirit endured by those before us to secure the freedom we experience today. Through the words of songs, various generations can better comprehend each other's emotions and ideas.

Another point I would like to make is that there are distinct cultures from various countries. In other words, music can provide accumulated profound knowledge as well as people, tradition, customs for all individuals in the world. In fact, we could appeal for social elite donations such as disadvantaged rural regions. This can be shown by the example song “Imagine” by John Lennon, promotes peace and calls for a world without borders or divisions based on race, nationality, or religion.

In conclusion, the mentioned facts have created a place where people can strengthen our relationships and make it closer than ever and culturally diverse using music.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"music has become a broad issue to the general public" -> "music has become a significant issue for the general public"
Explanation: The phrase "a broad issue to the general public" is awkward and unclear. "A significant issue for the general public" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, clearly indicating the impact of music on the public.
"the best way to mutually understand people who have diverse cultures and ages" -> "the most effective means of understanding individuals from diverse cultures and age groups"
Explanation: "Mutually understand" is vague and informal. "The most effective means of understanding" is more formal and precise, and "individuals from diverse cultures and age groups" is a clearer and more specific phrase.
"In my opinion, I partly agree with this idea and discussed below are several reasons in favor of my perspectives." -> "I partially agree with this perspective, and the following reasons support my views."
Explanation: The original sentence is awkwardly phrased and redundant. The revised version is clearer and maintains a formal tone.
"melody is a bridge between various generations and cultures together" -> "melody serves as a bridge between various generations and cultures"
Explanation: "Melody is a bridge between various generations and cultures together" is redundant and informal. "Serves as a bridge" is more precise and academically appropriate.
"it can bridge the gap by means of showing deep empathy over their personalities lyrics" -> "it can bridge the gap by conveying deep empathy through lyrics that reflect their personalities"
Explanation: "Showing deep empathy over their personalities lyrics" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Conveying deep empathy through lyrics that reflect their personalities" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"By way of that, youngsters can gain joint comprehension about the courageous fighting spirit" -> "This enables young people to gain a deeper understanding of the courageous fighting spirit"
Explanation: "By way of that" is informal and unclear. "This enables" is more direct and formal, and "young people" is a more appropriate term than "youngsters."
"various generations can better comprehend each other’s emotions and ideas" -> "various generations can better understand each other’s emotions and perspectives"
Explanation: "Ideas" is too broad and vague; "perspectives" is more specific and appropriate in this context.
"there are distinct cultures from various countries" -> "there are distinct cultures from different countries"
Explanation: "From various countries" is redundant. "From different countries" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.
"music can provide accumulated profound knowledge as well as people, tradition, customs for all individuals in the world" -> "music can provide profound insights into the cultures, traditions, and customs of various nations"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version is more precise and academically appropriate.
"we could appeal for social elite donations such as disadvantaged rural regions" -> "we could solicit donations from social elites to support disadvantaged rural regions"
Explanation: "Appeal for social elite donations" is awkward and unclear. "Solicit donations from social elites" is more formal and precise.
"This can be shown by the example song “Imagine” by John Lennon, promotes peace and calls for a world without borders or divisions based on race, nationality, or religion" -> "This is exemplified by the song “Imagine” by John Lennon, which promotes peace and advocates for a world without borders or divisions based on race, nationality, or religion"
Explanation: "Promotes" is too vague; "advocates for" is more specific and appropriate in this context. Also, "This can be shown by" is less formal than "This is exemplified by," which is more suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing how music can bring together people of different cultures and ages. The introduction sets the stage for this discussion, although it could be clearer in stating that the essay will explore both sides of the argument. The body paragraphs provide examples that illustrate the unifying power of music, such as traditional Vietnamese music and John Lennon’s "Imagine." However, the essay does not fully explore the counterargument or acknowledge any limitations to the claim, which would provide a more balanced perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state both sides of the argument in the introduction. Additionally, including a paragraph that discusses potential drawbacks or limitations of music as a unifying force could provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer states a partial agreement with the idea that music brings people together, but this position is somewhat vague and lacks clarity. Phrases like "I partly agree" could be more explicitly defined. The essay does not consistently reinforce this position throughout; for instance, the conclusion does not reiterate the nuanced stance taken in the introduction.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should clarify their viewpoint in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph reinforces this stance. The conclusion should also summarize the main points and restate the position more definitively, emphasizing the complexity of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas about how music can bridge cultural and generational gaps, supported by relevant examples. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For instance, while the mention of "Cai luong" is relevant, the explanation could delve deeper into how this music specifically fosters understanding. The second point about "Imagine" is better supported but could benefit from a more detailed analysis of its impact on listeners.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each example more thoroughly. This could involve discussing the emotional responses elicited by the music or providing more context about the cultural significance of the songs mentioned. Additionally, integrating more examples or statistics could further substantiate the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of music in uniting people across cultures and ages. However, some sentences are somewhat convoluted and could lead to confusion about the main argument. For example, the phrase "accumulated profound knowledge as well as people, tradition, customs for all individuals in the world" is unclear and detracts from the main focus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence clearly contributes to the main argument. Simplifying complex sentences and avoiding vague phrases will help keep the writing clear and on topic. Regularly revisiting the prompt while drafting can also help maintain relevance throughout the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can strengthen their essay and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the role of music in bridging cultural and generational gaps. The introduction outlines the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs provide supporting points. However, the logical organization could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the emotional connection through music in the first paragraph and the cultural knowledge in the second is somewhat abrupt. The ideas are relevant but could benefit from clearer connections.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the first paragraph, a sentence summarizing the emotional aspect of music could lead into the cultural knowledge discussed in the second paragraph. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct point related to the thesis. However, the paragraphs could be better structured. For example, the first paragraph could be divided into two: one focusing on the emotional connection and the other on the specific example of "Cai luong." This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: Implementing a more structured approach to paragraphing can enhance clarity. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph has a balance between explanation and examples, and consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to avoid overwhelming the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "in other words," and "to illustrate." These phrases help connect ideas, but the range is somewhat limited, and some transitions feel forced or unclear. For instance, the phrase "by way of that" is awkward and disrupts the flow of the sentence.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently" to connect ideas more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that the cohesive devices used are appropriate for the context. Practicing the use of different transitions in writing exercises can help build familiarity and fluency with these devices.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, focusing on improving logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and expanding the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair attempt at using a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of music and cultural understanding. Phrases like "bridge the gap," "deep empathy," and "courageous fighting spirit" indicate an effort to employ more sophisticated language. However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, such as the word "music" appearing frequently without synonyms or varied expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "music," alternatives like "melodies," "tunes," or "songs" could be employed. Additionally, exploring phrases that convey similar meanings, such as "cultural exchange" or "artistic expression," would enrich the vocabulary used throughout the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are notable imprecisions that hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "mutually understand people who have diverse cultures and ages" is awkward and lacks grammatical correctness. The term "accumulated profound knowledge" is also vague and does not clearly convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects their ideas. For example, instead of "mutually understand," a clearer expression would be "foster mutual understanding." Additionally, replacing "accumulated profound knowledge" with "cultural insights" or "rich cultural heritage" would enhance clarity. Regular practice in paraphrasing and using vocabulary in context can help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Cai luong" (should be "Cải lương") and "Viet Nam" (should be "Vietnam"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words related to the topic and practicing them can be beneficial. Reading more extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in vocabulary usage, addressing the areas of range, precision, and spelling will significantly enhance the Lexical Resource score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "A crucial point to consider is that it can bridge the gap by means of showing deep empathy over their personalities lyrics" attempts to use a complex structure but is somewhat awkward. The phrase "by means of showing deep empathy over their personalities lyrics" is convoluted and lacks clarity. Additionally, the use of phrases like "First and foremost" and "Another point I would like to make" indicates an attempt to organize thoughts clearly, but the transitions could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more varied sentence beginnings and incorporating different types of clauses. For instance, using participial phrases or conditional clauses could add complexity. Instead of starting sentences with "Another point I would like to make," the writer could use "Furthermore" or "Additionally" to create a more fluid transition. Moreover, simplifying complex phrases for clarity would improve overall readability.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and issues with punctuation. For example, the phrase "the best way to mutually understand people who have diverse cultures and ages" is incomplete and lacks a main verb, which makes it a fragment. Additionally, the sentence "A crucial point to consider is that it can bridge the gap by means of showing deep empathy over their personalities lyrics" has awkward phrasing and incorrect word choice, as "personalities lyrics" is not a standard expression. Punctuation errors include missing commas that could clarify meaning, such as before "and" in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review sentence structure rules, ensuring that each sentence has a subject and a verb. Practicing the correct use of conjunctions and ensuring that clauses are properly connected will also help. For punctuation, the writer should focus on the correct placement of commas, especially in compound sentences and before conjunctions. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, allowing for revisions that enhance clarity and correctness.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical structures and attempts to convey complex ideas, there are notable weaknesses in clarity, sentence variety, and grammatical accuracy. Focusing on these areas will help elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, music has become a significant issue for the general public. Many people believe that it is the best way to mutually understand individuals from diverse cultures and age groups. In my opinion, I partially agree with this perspective, and the following reasons support my views.

First and foremost, people should recognize that melody serves as a bridge between various generations and cultures. A crucial point to consider is that it can bridge the gap by conveying deep empathy through lyrics that reflect their personalities. To illustrate, I would like to mention that “Cai luong” — traditional music in Vietnam — shows the independence and freedom of heroes who sacrificed for our country. By way of that, youngsters can gain a deeper understanding of the courageous fighting spirit endured by those before us to secure the freedom we experience today. Through the words of songs, various generations can better understand each other’s emotions and perspectives.

Another point I would like to make is that there are distinct cultures from different countries. In other words, music can provide profound insights into the cultures, traditions, and customs of various nations. In fact, we could solicit donations from social elites to support disadvantaged rural regions. This is exemplified by the song “Imagine” by John Lennon, which promotes peace and advocates for a world without borders or divisions based on race, nationality, or religion.

In conclusion, the mentioned facts have created a space where people can strengthen their relationships and make them closer than ever while embracing cultural diversity through music.