Some people say that playing computer games is harmful to children in every way. Others suggest that playing computer games can have positive effects on children's development.

The public has different views about whether or not children should engage in games on computers. While some suppose that this tendency can be beneficial to some extent, I always believe that several detrimental impacts exist in this phenomenon.

On the one hand, there are some causes why people support the idea of playing computer games. Firstly, children utilize it as a means of entertainment, and education after a hectic schedule. For example, puzzles and brain-based activities can be a key for the young to get flexibility in addressing their problems. As a result, it contributes considerably to logical subjects and eliminates stress, depression in children's lives. Additionally, developing teamwork skills is still an upward side when individuals refer to computer games. Therefore, children are taught how to balance their emotions and come up with techniques to work in a group effectively.

On the other hand, it seems to me that most video games may have negative effects on children in many ways. First and foremost, they suffer from mental and physical diseases since when children devote their whole day to sitting in front of the screen, they might become addicted and the appearance of eye illnesses increases. As a consequence, it is a large threat to children's lifestyles. Secondly, children embark on illegal thoughts as thieves. For instance, defeat rounds can lead to an issue that children have a blue mood and would like to get more money due to game characters having higher functions. Apart from that, they steal their family's budget to satisfy their demand and also break member's relationships.

In conclusion, although children play computer games are able to be provided with a number of advantages, I believe that this trend can face some downsides

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"suppose" -> "argue"
Explanation: "Suppose" is somewhat informal and vague. "Argue" conveys a stronger sense of advocacy and is more appropriate in an academic context.
"always believe" -> "firmly contend"
Explanation: "Always believe" is a bit colloquial. "Firmly contend" provides a more assertive and formal tone.
"tendency" -> "practice"
Explanation: "Tendency" suggests a general inclination, while "practice" is more specific and formal in this context.
"causes why" -> "reasons why"
Explanation: "Causes why" is redundant. "Reasons why" is concise and more appropriate in academic writing.
"utilize it as" -> "use it for"
Explanation: "Utilize" is somewhat formal and can be replaced with "use" without loss of meaning. "Use it for" is clearer and more direct.
"a key for the young to get" -> "essential for youths to acquire"
Explanation: "A key for the young to get" is awkward and informal. "Essential for youths to acquire" is more precise and formal.
"eliminates stress, depression" -> "alleviates stress and depression"
Explanation: "Eliminates" is a bit too strong here. "Alleviates" is more accurate and formal.
"still an upward side" -> "remains a positive aspect"
Explanation: "Still an upward side" is unclear and informal. "Remains a positive aspect" is clearer and more formal.
"individuals refer to" -> "people mention"
Explanation: "Individuals refer to" is slightly awkward. "People mention" is simpler and more direct.
"embark on illegal thoughts" -> "indulge in illicit behavior"
Explanation: "Embark on illegal thoughts" is an unusual expression. "Indulge in illicit behavior" is more precise and formal.
"defeat rounds" -> "losing rounds"
Explanation: "Defeat rounds" is not idiomatic. "Losing rounds" is clearer and more natural.
"blue mood" -> "sad mood"
Explanation: "Blue mood" is somewhat colloquial. "Sad mood" is more formal and clear.
"steal their family’s budget" -> "steal from their family’s budget"
Explanation: "Steal their family’s budget" is awkward. "Steal from their family’s budget" clarifies the action.
"also break member’s relationships" -> "also strain family relationships"
Explanation: "Break member’s relationships" is unclear. "Strain family relationships" is more precise and formal.
"are able to be provided with" -> "can receive"
Explanation: "Are able to be provided with" is unnecessarily wordy. "Can receive" is simpler and more direct.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives presented in the prompt. It acknowledges the potential benefits of playing computer games while primarily focusing on the negative impacts. Examples are provided for both sides, although the exploration of the positive effects could be more extensive.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a more balanced exploration of both the positive and negative aspects of playing computer games. Providing more examples and elaborating on the potential benefits would strengthen the essay’s completeness.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea of children playing computer games, stating the belief in the detrimental impacts of this activity. The stance is consistently supported throughout the essay with relevant arguments and examples.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that the introduction clearly states the position taken and maintain a focused argument throughout the essay. Avoid presenting conflicting viewpoints that may weaken the overall clarity of the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding both the positive and negative aspects of playing computer games, although the negative impacts are more extensively elaborated upon. Examples are provided to support each point, such as the effects on mental and physical health and the potential for children to develop illegal tendencies.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas further, provide more detailed explanations and additional examples, particularly for the positive effects of playing computer games. This will enrich the essay’s content and provide a more comprehensive analysis of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by addressing the effects of playing computer games on children’s development, including both positive and negative aspects. However, there are minor instances where the essay veers slightly off topic, such as the discussion of the effects on family relationships.
- How to improve: To stay more focused on the topic, ensure that all points discussed directly relate to the effects of computer games on children’s development. Avoid introducing tangential issues that distract from the central theme of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization with clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting contrasting views, and a conclusion. However, there are instances where the flow could be smoother. For example, transitioning between paragraphs could be improved to enhance coherence. Additionally, the development of ideas within paragraphs could be more structured.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on improving transitions between paragraphs by using linking words or phrases to guide the reader through the essay’s progression. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details that are relevant to the main idea.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does use paragraphs, but the structure within each paragraph could be strengthened. There’s a lack of clear topic sentences in some paragraphs, making it difficult for the reader to understand the main point of each paragraph. Additionally, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better separated into distinct paragraphs for clarity.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea and supports it with relevant details and examples. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into shorter ones to improve readability and coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. More varied transitional phrases and cohesive devices could enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however"), pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), and transitional adverbs (e.g., "consequently," "nevertheless") to connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that cohesive devices are used effectively to clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, with varied lexical choices evident throughout. For instance, words like "phenomenon," "detrimental," "flexibility," "embark," and "downsides" exhibit a decent level of lexical diversity. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more expansive to enhance precision and sophistication.
- How to improve: To further enrich the lexical resource, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary where appropriate. For example, instead of using common phrases like "some suppose," "seems to me," and "large threat," explore synonyms or more nuanced expressions to elevate the sophistication of the writing. Additionally, integrating subject-specific terminology or domain-specific vocabulary related to child psychology or gaming studies could enhance the depth of expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with reasonable precision, although there are instances where the choice of words could be more exact. For instance, phrases like "they might become addicted" and "children embark on illegal thoughts as thieves" could benefit from more precise terminology to convey the intended meaning more accurately.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that precisely captures the intended nuances of meaning. For instance, instead of using the vague term "addicted," consider employing specific terms such as "develop dependency" or "exhibit compulsive behavior," depending on the context. Similarly, refine expressions like "children embark on illegal thoughts" to convey the idea more clearly, perhaps by specifying the nature of these thoughts or behaviors.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate spelling throughout, with few noticeable errors. However, there are a couple of instances where minor spelling inaccuracies are present, such as "phenomenon" misspelled as "phenomenan" and "diseases" misspelled as "diseasses."
- How to improve: Enhancing spelling accuracy can be achieved through regular proofreading and spell-checking tools. Additionally, developing a habit of reviewing written work attentively before submission can help identify and correct any spelling errors. Consider creating a personalized list of commonly misspelled words to target areas for improvement systematically. Additionally, expanding your reading habits can expose you to correctly spelled words in various contexts, reinforcing spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort in utilizing a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. Complex sentence structures are evident in phrases such as "While some suppose that this tendency can be beneficial to some extent, I always believe that several detrimental impacts exist in this phenomenon." The use of subordination and coordination contributes to the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s effectiveness, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures and varying the sentence beginnings to avoid repetitive patterns. Introducing rhetorical devices like parallelism or inverted syntax can add sophistication to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor grammatical errors and punctuation issues occur. For example, in the sentence "Therefore, children are taught how to balance their emotions and come up with techniques to work in a group effectively," the phrase "how to balance their emotions and come up with techniques" lacks parallel structure, impacting clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and parallel structure. Proofreading the essay carefully for errors in punctuation, such as missing commas or incorrect usage of apostrophes, can further enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, consider using more varied punctuation marks, such as semicolons or dashes, to add nuance to the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The debate surrounding children’s involvement in computer games remains contentious. While some argue for its potential benefits, I maintain that there are significant drawbacks to consider.

On one hand, proponents argue that computer games serve as a form of both entertainment and educational practice for children, especially after long periods of study. For instance, puzzle-solving and other cognitive challenges can enhance problem-solving skills and alleviate stress and depression among youngsters. Moreover, engaging in multiplayer games fosters teamwork and teaches children how to manage their emotions while collaborating effectively with others.

Conversely, I contend that the negative impacts of excessive gaming cannot be overlooked. Firstly, prolonged screen time can lead to various mental and physical health issues, including addiction and eye strain. This poses a significant threat to children’s well-being. Secondly, excessive gaming can sometimes lead children to entertain illicit thoughts, such as resorting to theft to advance in the game or acquire in-game resources. This not only affects their mood negatively but also strains familial relationships when they resort to stealing from family funds to fuel their gaming habits.

In conclusion, while there are arguments in favor of children playing computer games, it is essential to acknowledge the potential downsides associated with this activity.

Some people say that playing computer games is harmful to children in every way. Others suggest that playing computer games can have positive effects on children’s development.