Some people say that schools should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is common to reward students for their academic success but many today believe schools should also recognise other areas of excellence such as athletics and behaviour. In my opinion, rewarding academic results is more important as it is a powerful motivator and should not be replicated for other pursuits.

Rewarding academic success is part of an historic system of control. The purpose is self-evident: to psychologically compel continued positive results. For example, in many East Asian countries such as Vietnam where good marks are highly valued, it is not uncommon for parents to offer financial incentives to students, schools to regularly hand out certificates of excellence, and teachers to highlight individuals for praise. All these distinctions are powerful extrinsic motivators that draw students away from the, often monotonous, subject being studied itself to monetary gains, public recognition and the esteem of one’s teachers, respectively. This effectively exploits basic desires for respect and reinforces a pattern of academic excellence.

However, despite the benefits listed above, other types of activities contain their own rewards already. A student who behaves well in class will typically earn the appreciation of teachers or simply do it out of their natural temperament and therefore not require compensation. Students with athletic prowess enjoy the reverence of their peers and the sports themselves. These built-in rewards apply to a variety of fields of success outside traditional school subjects. In fact, rewarding behaviours that students already enjoy doing in themselves might actually hinder motivation. Students could potentially become more focused on the reward than the experience itself and an intrinsic drive will become extrinsic, ironically now requiring tangible reinforcement to continue.

In conclusion, rewarding academics is a proven method of reinforcement that could have the opposite effect of decreasing intrinsic motivation when applied to other areas. Teachers and parents should be wary of the subtle difference between encouraging children and establishing a near-Pavlovian relationship.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is common to reward students for their academic success" -> "It is customary to reward students for their academic achievements"
Explanation: Replacing "common" with "customary" and "success" with "achievements" refines the language to better suit an academic context, enhancing the formality and specificity of the statement.
"many today believe" -> "many individuals currently believe"
Explanation: Changing "many today believe" to "many individuals currently believe" specifies the subject and time frame, making the statement more precise and formal.
"rewarding academic results is more important" -> "the recognition of academic achievements is more crucial"
Explanation: Replacing "rewarding academic results" with "the recognition of academic achievements" and "is more important" with "is more crucial" elevates the formality and emphasizes the significance of the issue.
"part of an historic system of control" -> "an integral component of a historical system of control"
Explanation: Changing "part of an historic system" to "an integral component of a historical system" uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
"psychologically compel" -> "psychologically motivate"
Explanation: Replacing "compel" with "motivate" provides a more accurate description of the intended effect, as "compel" can imply coercion, which is not the intended meaning here.
"good marks are highly valued" -> "excellent grades are highly esteemed"
Explanation: Replacing "good marks" with "excellent grades" and "valued" with "esteemed" uses more precise and formal vocabulary suitable for an academic essay.
"All these distinctions are powerful extrinsic motivators" -> "These distinctions serve as potent extrinsic motivators"
Explanation: Changing "All these distinctions are powerful" to "These distinctions serve as potent" refines the language to be more formal and precise.
"the, often monotonous, subject being studied itself" -> "the subject itself, often monotonous"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "the" and rephrasing the sentence improves the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"Students with athletic prowess enjoy the reverence of their peers" -> "Students with athletic prowess garner the admiration of their peers"
Explanation: Replacing "enjoy the reverence" with "garner the admiration" uses more precise and formal language, better suited for academic writing.
"Students could potentially become more focused on the reward than the experience itself" -> "Students may become more focused on the reward than the experience itself"
Explanation: Changing "could potentially" to "may" simplifies and clarifies the conditional statement, aligning better with academic style.
"an intrinsic drive will become extrinsic" -> "an intrinsic motivation may become extrinsic"
Explanation: Replacing "drive" with "motivation" and "will" with "may" provides a more precise and academically appropriate expression of potential change.
"Teachers and parents should be wary of the subtle difference" -> "Educators and caregivers should be cautious of the subtle distinction"
Explanation: Replacing "Teachers and parents" with "Educators and caregivers" and "should be wary of" with "should be cautious of" uses more formal and inclusive language, enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding whether schools should reward academic results or improvements. The first paragraph introduces the topic and presents the author’s stance on the importance of rewarding academic success. The subsequent paragraphs discuss the merits of rewarding academic achievements while also acknowledging the value of recognizing improvements and other areas of excellence. However, the discussion on the opposing view could be expanded to provide a more balanced perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could include more detailed examples or arguments supporting the view that rewards for improvements are beneficial. This would provide a more comprehensive examination of both sides of the debate.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position favoring the reward of academic results throughout the essay. The opinion is explicitly stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. The arguments presented consistently support this stance, demonstrating a strong understanding of the topic. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer transition when discussing the opposing view to reinforce the author’s position.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases to signal shifts in perspective when discussing the opposing view. This would help maintain the reader’s understanding of the author’s consistent stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-developed ideas, particularly in the discussion of the motivations behind rewarding academic success. The use of examples, such as financial incentives in East Asian countries, effectively supports the argument. However, the discussion on the opposing view lacks depth and could benefit from additional examples or elaboration on how rewarding improvements can be beneficial.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should aim to provide specific examples or case studies that illustrate the positive effects of rewarding improvements. This would enhance the overall argument and provide a more rounded discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate surrounding rewards in education. The author successfully avoids irrelevant tangents and maintains a focus on the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion of intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation could be more directly tied back to the main topic of rewards in education.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central question of whether schools should reward academic results or improvements. This can be achieved by explicitly linking discussions of motivation back to the implications for educational rewards.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The argument progresses smoothly from the introduction of the topic to the discussion of both views and the author’s opinion. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively outlines the rationale for rewarding academic success, using specific examples from East Asian countries to illustrate the point. The second body paragraph then contrasts this with the argument against rewarding non-academic achievements, maintaining a coherent flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. This would help guide the reader more effectively through the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next can strengthen the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The separation of ideas into paragraphs allows for a clear presentation of contrasting views. The introduction sets the stage, the body paragraphs delve into the arguments, and the conclusion summarizes the key points succinctly. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer delineation of its points, as it combines multiple ideas without distinct separation.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the intrinsic rewards of good behavior and the other on the implications of rewarding athletic prowess. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each idea and improve readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "however," "for example," and "in fact," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. The use of these devices contributes to the clarity of the essay and aids in guiding the reader through the author’s reasoning. However, there are moments where the cohesive devices could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance sophistication.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking phrases and transitional words. For example, instead of repeatedly using "however," you might alternate with phrases like "on the other hand," "conversely," or "alternatively." Additionally, using more complex structures, such as "despite this," or "in contrast to this," can elevate the level of cohesion in the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively presenting a well-structured argument. By focusing on clearer topic sentences, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, employing terms like "historic system of control," "psychologically compel," and "extrinsic motivators." This variety enhances the argument and shows the writer’s ability to express complex ideas succinctly. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "reward" could be substituted with synonyms like "incentivize" or "recognize" to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using a thesaurus to find synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "reward," you might use "acknowledge" or "celebrate" in different contexts throughout the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, as seen in phrases like "monotonous subject" and "basic desires for respect." However, the phrase "the, often monotonous, subject being studied itself" contains an unnecessary comma that disrupts the flow and could lead to confusion. Additionally, the term "near-Pavlovian relationship" might not be clear to all readers, which could detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve precision, ensure that punctuation does not obscure meaning. Review sentences for clarity and flow, and consider providing brief explanations for more complex terms like "Pavlovian" to ensure all readers can follow your argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "academic," "appreciation," and "motivation" are spelled correctly throughout, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To maintain spelling accuracy, continue to proofread your work carefully. Additionally, consider practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling apps to reinforce your skills. Regularly reading high-quality texts can also help internalize correct spelling patterns.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of lexical resource, with room for improvement in vocabulary variety and precision. By diversifying word choice and ensuring clarity in expression, the writer can further enhance the effectiveness of their arguments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. Complex sentences, such as "The purpose is self-evident: to psychologically compel continued positive results," effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "Students could potentially become more focused on the reward than the experience itself," showcases the writer’s ability to express hypothetical scenarios. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, particularly in the second paragraph, which could detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and lengths. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Students," consider using introductory phrases or clauses, such as "In many cases," or "While some may argue that…". This will create a more dynamic reading experience and further demonstrate grammatical range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "to psychologically compel continued positive results" is grammatically correct and effectively conveys the intended meaning. However, there is a punctuation error in the phrase "draw students away from the, often monotonous, subject being studied itself," where the comma after "the" is unnecessary and disrupts the flow. Additionally, the use of commas in complex sentences is mostly accurate, but there are instances where clarity could be improved with better punctuation choices.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should review comma usage, particularly in relation to introductory phrases and clauses. Practicing the correct placement of commas will enhance clarity. Furthermore, proofreading for minor errors, such as the misplaced comma in the aforementioned phrase, will help ensure that the writing is polished and professional.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. With some adjustments in sentence variety and careful attention to punctuation, the writer could elevate their score even further.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is customary to reward students for their academic achievements, but many individuals currently believe that schools should also recognize other areas of excellence, such as athletics and behavior. In my opinion, rewarding academic results is more crucial, as it serves as a powerful motivator and should not be replicated for other pursuits.

Rewarding academic success is an integral component of a historical system of control. The purpose is self-evident: to psychologically motivate continued positive results. For example, in many East Asian countries, such as Vietnam, where excellent grades are highly esteemed, it is not uncommon for parents to offer financial incentives to students, schools to regularly hand out certificates of excellence, and teachers to highlight individuals for praise. All these distinctions serve as potent extrinsic motivators that draw students away from the subject itself, often monotonous, to monetary gains, public recognition, and the esteem of one’s teachers, respectively. This effectively exploits basic desires for respect and reinforces a pattern of academic excellence.

However, despite the benefits listed above, other types of activities contain their own rewards. A student who behaves well in class will typically earn the appreciation of teachers or simply act out of their natural temperament, thus not requiring compensation. Students with athletic prowess garner the admiration of their peers and the enjoyment of the sports themselves. These built-in rewards apply to a variety of fields of success outside traditional school subjects. In fact, rewarding behaviors that students already enjoy might actually hinder motivation. Students may become more focused on the reward than the experience itself, leading to a situation where intrinsic motivation becomes extrinsic, ironically requiring tangible reinforcement to continue.

In conclusion, rewarding academic achievements is a proven method of reinforcement that could have the opposite effect of decreasing intrinsic motivation when applied to other areas. Educators and caregivers should be cautious of the subtle distinction between encouraging children and establishing a near-Pavlovian relationship.