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Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Write at least 250 words.

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Write at least 250 words.

People hold various perspectives about how to enhance public well-being. While some individuals argue that investing in sports amenities is the most effective approach, others contend that this would be unhelpful and that it necessitates other measures. In my opinion, to address this issue, a combination of different measures would be required.
On the one hand, the reason why some think that an increase in sporting facilities would play a crucial role is that it could encourage individuals to engage in exercise. Nowadays, various serious health problems are attributed to lack of exercise, such as obesity and diabetes. Exercising regularly could prevent these sedentary lifestyle-originated diseases. Moreover, doing exercise is proven by scientists to have positive impacts on maintaining both mental and physical fitness. It is a great way to strengthen muscles and increase the immune system. Moreover, exercising brings joy and happiness. For instance, I often feel relaxed and recharged after I do some workout.
On the other hand, opponents of this idea assert that in today’s fast-changing world, individuals are too occupied, they normally devote the majority of their time to work, leaving less time for doing exercise. For instance, a fitness center near my company closed down last year as the number of people going to the gym was not many as expected. Therefore, investment in these would be a waste of money, having little effect on public health. Nevertheless, there are several other measures that could be taken to tackle the problem. Firstly, it is important that authorities raise public awareness about maintaining fitness through organizing public health campaigns. Secondly, governments should allocate funds to the construction of state-owned health facilities and medical research.
To conclude, a mere rise in the number of sporting centers is not enough to improve community health. This goal could be achieved through the cooperation of other measures.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "People hold various perspectives" -> "Individuals harbor diverse perspectives"
    Explanation: Replacing "People hold various perspectives" with "Individuals harbor diverse perspectives" introduces a more formal and sophisticated vocabulary, aligning with academic style.

  2. "this would be unhelpful" -> "this would be ineffective"
    Explanation: Substituting "unhelpful" with "ineffective" enhances precision and formality, making the statement more suitable for academic writing.

  3. "to address this issue, a combination of different measures would be required" -> "to address this issue, a multifaceted approach is necessary"
    Explanation: The replacement offers a more concise and academically formal expression, avoiding redundancy and maintaining clarity.

  4. "the reason why some think that" -> "the rationale behind the belief that"
    Explanation: Replacing "the reason why some think that" with "the rationale behind the belief that" contributes to a more formal tone, utilizing precise language.

  5. "it could encourage individuals to engage in exercise" -> "it could motivate individuals to partake in physical activity"
    Explanation: Substituting "encourage" with "motivate" and "engage in exercise" with "partake in physical activity" enhances formality and provides a more varied vocabulary.

  6. "serious health problems are attributed to lack of exercise" -> "serious health issues are linked to a sedentary lifestyle"
    Explanation: The revised phrase employs a more formal structure, replacing "problems" with "issues" and specifying the connection to a sedentary lifestyle for clarity.

  7. "Moreover, doing exercise is proven by scientists" -> "Furthermore, engaging in physical activity is scientifically proven"
    Explanation: The suggested change maintains formality by replacing "doing exercise" with "engaging in physical activity" and reordering the sentence for improved flow.

  8. "a great way to strengthen muscles and increase the immune system" -> "an effective means of fortifying muscles and enhancing the immune system"
    Explanation: The replacement employs more formal language, using "an effective means" instead of "a great way," and specifying "fortifying muscles" for precision.

  9. "Moreover, exercising brings joy and happiness" -> "Furthermore, physical activity contributes to joy and well-being"
    Explanation: The suggested alteration maintains formality while using a more varied vocabulary and specifying "well-being" for clarity.

  10. "opponents of this idea assert" -> "opponents of this viewpoint argue"
    Explanation: Substituting "assert" with "argue" enhances formality, aligning with academic writing conventions.

  11. "the number of people going to the gym was not many as expected" -> "the turnout at the gym did not meet expectations"
    Explanation: The revised phrase employs a more formal expression by replacing "not many" with "did not meet expectations."

  12. "investment in these would be a waste of money" -> "allocating funds to these would be economically imprudent"
    Explanation: The replacement introduces a more formal phrase, using "allocating funds" and "economically imprudent" for precision and formality.

  13. "raising public awareness about maintaining fitness" -> "raising public awareness regarding the importance of physical fitness"
    Explanation: The suggested change offers a more precise expression by specifying the focus on "the importance of physical fitness."

  14. "state-owned health facilities and medical research" -> "public health facilities and medical research initiatives"
    Explanation: The replacement uses "public health facilities" for clarity and a more formal tone, aligning with academic language conventions.

  15. "a mere rise in the number of sporting centers" -> "solely increasing the number of sports facilities"
    Explanation: The suggested change maintains formality by replacing "mere rise" with "solely increasing" and using a more specific term, "sports facilities."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both perspectives (increasing sports facilities and the need for other measures) and presents a clear opinion.
    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, providing more specific examples or evidence to support the points made could further enhance the depth of analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The author’s opinion is explicitly stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, consider connecting each paragraph explicitly back to the author’s stance. This helps readers to consistently follow the author’s position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Specific examples are used to illustrate points, such as the closure of a fitness center and the benefits of exercise.
    • How to improve: While examples are used, providing more detailed and diverse examples would add depth to the essay. Additionally, ensuring that examples directly relate to the points being made would further strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relevance of sports facilities to public health and presenting counterarguments.
    • How to improve: To enhance focus, consider eliminating slightly off-topic points, like the closure of a fitness center near the author’s workplace. Instead, concentrate on providing more robust arguments supporting or refuting the role of sports facilities.

Overall Feedback:

This essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses the criteria for a Band Score of 8 in Task Response. To improve, the author could provide more specific examples, ensure each paragraph explicitly ties back to their opinion, and focus on examples that directly support the points being made. The essay maintains a professional tone and offers a well-structured argument on the given topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the two contrasting views and the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs follow a clear structure, with one paragraph discussing the advantages of sports facilities and the other presenting counterarguments. However, there is room for improvement in terms of transitioning between ideas and creating smoother connections between sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, work on improving the transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Ensure that each paragraph connects seamlessly to the next, creating a more cohesive and organized narrative. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through different points of view.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could benefit from greater unity and coherence within themselves. For example, the paragraph discussing the benefits of exercise could be more tightly organized around supporting points.
    • How to improve: Refine the structure within paragraphs to ensure a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a strong concluding sentence. This will contribute to a more cohesive and organized presentation of ideas within each paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "Moreover," "On the other hand," "Nevertheless"). However, there is a tendency to overuse certain linking words, and some transitions could be more nuanced for a smoother flow.
    • How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices employed. Instead of relying heavily on a few common transitions, explore synonyms and alternative expressions to create a more sophisticated and varied connection between ideas. Also, pay attention to the frequency of transition words to maintain a balance and avoid repetition.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the transitions between ideas and within paragraphs will contribute to a more polished and cohesive piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. It includes terms related to public health, exercise, diseases, and the opposing views. However, there is room for improvement as the essay tends to rely on a moderate range of vocabulary, and some ideas are expressed using repetitive phrases (e.g., "on the one hand" and "on the other hand").
    • How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource, consider incorporating more diverse vocabulary, especially synonyms and alternative phrases. Avoid overusing certain expressions. For instance, instead of consistently using "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," experiment with different ways to present contrasting ideas.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally precise, but there are instances where more specific or nuanced terms could be employed. For example, terms like "various serious health problems" could be replaced with specific health issues like cardiovascular diseases or respiratory conditions.
    • How to improve: Aim for more specificity in your vocabulary. Use terms that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of general phrases, provide detailed descriptions. For instance, instead of "serious health problems," specify the particular health issues you are referring to, such as diabetes or obesity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, but there are a few instances of minor spelling errors. For instance, "well-being" is spelled as "wellbeing," and there are occasional typos, such as "fitness center" instead of "fitness center."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling details. Review your essay carefully to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider using tools like spell-check to ensure accuracy. Proofreading before submission is crucial to eliminate any inadvertent spelling mistakes.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in expanding vocabulary range, using more precise terms, and ensuring meticulous spelling accuracy. Aim for variety and precision in your word choices to elevate the overall lexical quality of your essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a fairly varied range of sentence structures. It effectively employs complex sentences, such as the one introducing the counter-argument in the second paragraph. Additionally, the essay integrates compound sentences to convey ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the usage of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional sentences or inverted sentences, to further enhance the overall complexity and coherence.
    • How to improve: To elevate the essay’s grammatical range, consider incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If more emphasis were placed on public health campaigns…") and inverted sentences (e.g., "Not only is exercising beneficial for physical health, but it also positively influences mental well-being."). This will add depth to the essay and showcase a more extensive command of grammatical structures.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "they normally devote" could be improved by replacing "normally" with "often" for greater precision. In terms of punctuation, there is a consistent and appropriate use of commas and full stops. However, there is an instance where a semicolon could enhance the flow and cohesion in the sentence: "Nevertheless, there are several other measures that could be taken to tackle the problem; firstly, it is important that authorities raise public awareness…".
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, be mindful of precise language use. Instead of "they normally devote," consider using "they often dedicate." Introduce a semicolon in the sentence starting with "Nevertheless" to better connect related ideas. Additionally, pay attention to the use of articles, ensuring consistency in phrases like "a waste of money" and "the construction of state-owned health facilities."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a reasonably varied sentence structure. Implementing these suggested improvements will further elevate the essay’s sophistication and clarity, contributing to an even more refined expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

People hold diverse perspectives on how to enhance public well-being. While some argue that investing in sports amenities is the most effective approach, others contend that this might be ineffective and that a multifaceted approach is necessary. In my opinion, to address this issue, a combination of different measures would be required.

On one hand, the rationale behind the belief that an increase in sporting facilities would play a crucial role is that it could motivate individuals to partake in physical activity. Nowadays, serious health issues are linked to a sedentary lifestyle, such as obesity and diabetes. Furthermore, engaging in physical activity is scientifically proven to be an effective means of fortifying muscles and enhancing the immune system. Additionally, physical activity contributes to joy and well-being. For instance, I often feel relaxed and recharged after I engage in some workout.

On the other hand, opponents of this viewpoint argue that, in today’s fast-changing world, individuals are too occupied, dedicating the majority of their time to work, leaving less time for exercise. For instance, a fitness center near my company closed down last year as the turnout at the gym did not meet expectations. Allocating funds to these would be economically imprudent, having little effect on public health. Nevertheless, there are several other measures that could be taken to tackle the problem. Firstly, it is important that authorities raise public awareness regarding the importance of physical fitness through organizing public health campaigns. Secondly, investments should be made in public health facilities and medical research initiatives.

To conclude, solely increasing the number of sports facilities is not enough to improve community health. This goal could be achieved through the cooperation of other measures.

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