Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In this day and age, it is widely ignited the debates on whether plants and animals can be considered as the most pivotal problem for the environment or there are more things that significantly overshadow them in comparison. From the way I see it, I'm comprehensively convinced for the second perspective.
On the one hand, these two mentioned sectors still play certain essential roles for the world. One of the primary rationales that can be delved into is the numerous contributions to our food chain. For details, plants apparently serve as the core for every species’ growth during the flow of history because they create oxygen. Without them, nothing were born and the advent of many species can not be endured, thereby leading to the detrimental consequences of the world. Another point to make is that some animals were hunted by humans in order to adapt for their eated demands. Therefore, the extinction of wildlife animals will widely pose the lack of provided food, thereby leading to famine in every facets of the world. As a result, its remarkable merits are definitely undeniable.
Conversely, beside the certain advantages it offers, however, I'm still entirely convinced that it shouldn’t have been considered as the main environmental problem of our time due to the more profound things that can be found. Initially, the certain damages caused by the industries, can gradually pose harm to the ozone layer, thereby ushering the way for UV rays to destroy human’s civilisations. Additionally, the growth of sea level still significantly contributes to the disappearance of many coastal countries, especially Japan. Furthermore, the close interactions among individuals can promote the rise of infectious diseases in certain regions of the world such as africa, where healthcare amenities seem to be expensive for ordinary people whose financial reaches are unaffordable.
In conclusion, I still approve that plants and animals are necessary for human beings. Nevertheless, the advantages they offer seem to be pale significantly in comparison with the others

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Errors and Improvements:

"widely ignited the debates" -> "sparked widespread debates"
Explanation: "Ignited" is too informal for academic writing. "Sparked" is a more sophisticated term that maintains the idea of initiating discussions.
"there are more things that significantly overshadow them in comparison" -> "other factors that significantly outweigh them"
Explanation: "Things" is vague and lacks specificity. "Factors" is a more precise term. "Overshadow" is too informal; "outweigh" is a more formal alternative.
"From the way I see it" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "From the way I see it" is colloquial. "In my view" is a more formal and appropriate phrase for academic writing.
"I’m comprehensively convinced for the second perspective" -> "I am firmly convinced of the latter perspective"
Explanation: "Comprehensively convinced" is awkward and overly informal. "Firmly convinced" is a more appropriate and formal expression.
"these two mentioned sectors" -> "these aforementioned sectors"
Explanation: "These two mentioned sectors" is redundant and awkward. "These aforementioned sectors" is more concise and formal.
"delved into" -> "explored"
Explanation: "Delved into" is too informal. "Explored" is a more appropriate and academic alternative.
"For details" -> "For instance"
Explanation: "For details" is abrupt and informal. "For instance" provides a smoother transition and maintains formality.
"plants apparently serve as the core for every species’ growth during the flow of history" -> "plants serve as the foundation for the growth of every species throughout history"
Explanation: "Apparently" is unnecessary and weakens the statement. "Core" is too simplistic; "foundation" is a more precise term. "During the flow of history" is awkward; "throughout history" is clearer.
"because they create oxygen" -> "as they are primary producers of oxygen"
Explanation: "Create" is too basic; "are primary producers of" is more specific and academic.
"nothing were born" -> "nothing would be born"
Explanation: "Were" is incorrect; "would be" is the correct conditional form.
"the advent of many species can not be endured" -> "the existence of many species would be unsustainable"
Explanation: "Advent" is awkward and not suitable here. "Can not be endured" is too informal; "would be unsustainable" is a more appropriate phrase.
"for their eated demands" -> "to meet their dietary needs"
Explanation: "Eated" is incorrect; "dietary" is the appropriate term here.
"its remarkable merits are definitely undeniable" -> "the undeniable significance of their contributions"
Explanation: "Remarkable merits" is redundant and informal. "Undeniable" is redundant; "significance of their contributions" is more precise.
"beside the certain advantages it offers" -> "despite the specific benefits it provides"
Explanation: "Beside" is too informal. "Certain" is vague; "specific" is clearer. "Advantages" is too general; "benefits" is more appropriate.
"due to the more profound things that can be found" -> "because of the deeper issues at hand"
Explanation: "Profound things" is vague and informal. "Deeper issues" is more precise. "That can be found" is unnecessary; "at hand" is more idiomatic.
"certain damages" -> "specific damages"
Explanation: "Certain" is vague; "specific" is more precise.
"gradually pose harm" -> "gradually pose a threat"
Explanation: "Harm" is too general; "a threat" is more specific.
"to the disappearance of many coastal countries" -> "resulting in the disappearance of numerous coastal regions"
Explanation: "Countries" is incorrect; "regions" is the appropriate term. "To" is awkward; "resulting in" is clearer.
"especially Japan" -> "particularly Japan"
Explanation: "Especially" is too informal; "particularly" is more formal.
"the close interactions among individuals can promote the rise of infectious diseases" -> "close interpersonal interactions can contribute to the spread of infectious diseases"
Explanation: "Among individuals" is redundant; "interpersonal interactions" is more precise. "Promote the rise of" is too informal; "contribute to the spread of" is clearer and more formal.
"such as africa" -> "such as Africa"
Explanation: "Africa" should be capitalized.
"whose financial reaches are unaffordable" -> "whose financial means are inadequate"
Explanation: "Reaches" is awkward; "means" is more appropriate. "Unaffordable" is too colloquial; "inadequate" is more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both perspectives outlined in the prompt: the significance of loss of species of plants and animals as an environmental problem and the existence of other potentially more crucial environmental issues. It acknowledges the importance of plants and animals in the ecosystem but primarily argues that other environmental problems overshadow them.
- How to improve: While the essay does touch on both views, it could provide a more balanced analysis by elaborating further on why some consider the loss of species to be the main environmental problem of our time. Incorporating specific examples or statistics could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the loss of species of plants and animals is not the main environmental problem, emphasizing other factors such as industrial damage, rising sea levels, and the spread of infectious diseases.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that the position is explicitly stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. Additionally, reinforcing the stance with more persuasive reasoning and evidence would strengthen the argument’s coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks development and support. While it briefly mentions the importance of plants and animals in the ecosystem, the discussion lacks depth and specific examples. The points about industrial damage, rising sea levels, and infectious diseases are mentioned but not sufficiently elaborated or supported with evidence.
- How to improve: To improve, provide more detailed explanations and examples to support each point. This could involve discussing specific industries contributing to environmental damage, citing scientific studies on rising sea levels, and providing examples of infectious diseases exacerbated by human interaction.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing environmental issues, including the loss of species of plants and animals, industrial damage, rising sea levels, and infectious diseases. However, there are some instances of tangential discussion, such as the mention of Japan’s coastal issues without clear relevance to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points directly relate to the main argument and contribute to supporting or elaborating on the stated position. Avoid introducing unrelated information that may distract from the central thesis.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced analysis, strengthening the clarity and support of the position, deepening the development of ideas, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic. Incorporating these suggestions could help elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a discernible attempt at organization, with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting contrasting views, and a conclusion. However, there are issues with coherence due to inconsistent development of ideas and lack of clear transitions between them. For instance, while the essay starts by introducing the debate about environmental problems, it lacks a clear progression of ideas within paragraphs, resulting in a somewhat disjointed flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and develops it cohesively. Use topic sentences to introduce the central theme of each paragraph and provide clear transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay’s progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their effectiveness is hindered by issues with structure and coherence. Paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and coherent development of ideas within them. For example, the second paragraph discusses the importance of plants and animals in the food chain but lacks a clear transition to the next paragraph, which introduces industrial damage to the ozone layer.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by starting each with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and develops it logically. Additionally, use transitional phrases to smoothly connect paragraphs and maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices such as pronouns ("these two mentioned sectors," "its remarkable merits") and conjunctions ("conversely," "initially," "furthermore") to connect ideas. However, their usage is inconsistent and sometimes ineffective in maintaining coherence. For instance, transitions between paragraphs are often abrupt, disrupting the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: Increase the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of transitional words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "in addition," "on the other hand") to establish logical connections between ideas. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to enhance coherence and cohesion. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun clarity to avoid confusion for the reader.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an attempt to address the prompt and presents contrasting views on environmental problems, there is significant room for improvement in coherence and cohesion. By focusing on logical organization, paragraph structure, and effective use of cohesive devices, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and better convey its arguments to the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, but some terms are imprecisely used or lack clarity, affecting the overall lexical resource. For instance, phrases like "widely ignited the debates" and "eaten demands" could be more precisely expressed. Some word choices, like "pivotal" and "merits," are suitable but may not fully convey the intended meaning in context. The essay would benefit from a more nuanced and accurate selection of vocabulary to enhance clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, focus on using specific vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Avoid overly complex terms if unsure of their usage. Utilize synonyms effectively to reduce repetition and enhance the richness of expression. Practice incorporating new vocabulary into writing exercises to ensure correct usage and deepen understanding.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates attempts to use vocabulary but lacks precision in many instances. For example, phrases like "widely ignited the debates" and "certain advantages" are somewhat ambiguous and could be clarified with more precise wording. Additionally, some vocabulary choices, such as "certain damages" and "rise of infectious diseases," could benefit from more specific terminology to enhance clarity and effectiveness.
- How to improve: Work on refining vocabulary usage by focusing on the precise meaning of words. Use dictionaries or online resources to confirm the suitability of chosen terms. Practice incorporating vocabulary into sentences and paragraphs to ensure accurate and effective usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a varied level of spelling accuracy. While some words are spelled correctly, there are several instances of misspellings or typographical errors throughout the essay. Examples include "ignited" instead of "igniting," "certain" instead of "certainly," "eated" instead of "eating," and "unaffordable" instead of "inaccessible." These errors can hinder readability and affect the overall presentation of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools or software during the writing process. Review and edit written work carefully to identify and correct spelling errors. Practice spelling commonly used words and pay attention to spelling patterns to enhance accuracy and fluency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at lexical resource, there are areas for improvement. Focus on refining vocabulary choices to enhance precision and clarity, paying close attention to spelling accuracy to ensure effective communication of ideas. Continued practice and attention to detail will support the development of a more robust and polished writing style.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to enhance the overall coherence and sophistication of the essay. For instance, there is a tendency towards the repetitive use of simple sentence structures, which could be enriched by incorporating more complex structures such as subordinate clauses or parallelism.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, the writer can incorporate complex sentence patterns, such as using dependent clauses to provide additional information or varying sentence length for emphasis. Additionally, employing rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion can add stylistic flair to the writing, making it more engaging for the reader.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains grammatical coherence, there are notable instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("nothing were born"), incorrect verb tense usage ("can gradually pose harm"), and punctuation errors (missing commas after introductory phrases, incorrect apostrophe use in "human’s"). These errors occasionally disrupt the clarity and fluency of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should pay closer attention to verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors on specific grammatical issues can facilitate targeted improvement in areas of weakness.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, there is widespread debate about whether the loss of particular species of plants and animals constitutes the most critical environmental issue or if there are other problems that overshadow them. From my perspective, I am firmly convinced of the latter view.

On one hand, both plants and animals play essential roles in the ecosystem. One primary reason is their contribution to the food chain. For instance, plants are vital as they produce oxygen, which is crucial for the survival and growth of all species throughout history. Without them, the birth and sustenance of many species would be impossible, leading to detrimental consequences for the world. Additionally, some animals are hunted to meet human dietary needs. Therefore, the extinction of wildlife animals would result in a scarcity of food resources, potentially leading to famine worldwide. Thus, their significant merits are undeniable.

Conversely, despite their undeniable benefits, I remain convinced that they should not be considered the main environmental problem of our time due to other more profound issues. Firstly, the environmental damage caused by industries can gradually harm the ozone layer, allowing harmful UV rays to penetrate and damage human civilizations. Moreover, the rise in sea levels contributes significantly to the disappearance of coastal regions, with countries like Japan particularly vulnerable. Furthermore, close interactions among individuals can lead to the spread of infectious diseases, especially in regions like Africa, where access to healthcare is often limited due to financial constraints.

In conclusion, while acknowledging the importance of plants and animals to human existence, their advantages pale significantly in comparison to other pressing environmental issues.