Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems.

It is often suggested that the government can mitigate the increasing trend of illness and disease by focusing on environmental and housing issue. In my opinion, I fully agree with this idea, this essay will discuss some reasons in support of my perspective.

The main factor contributing to various chronic and acute health conditions predominantly stems from environmental problems. This is because many toxic chemicals are released directly to the environment via vehicles or factories without the appropriate treatment process, thus, it is inevitable for citizens to avoid some diseases related to respiratory or cardiovascular. Therefore, the authorities should introduce the legislation to limit the emissions from industries and vehicles, simultaneously, imposing some special discount or reduce taxes to encourage people transfer to use electric vehicles which are more environmentally friendly than internal combustion engine. There are several research show the relation between reduced pollution levels and the lower rates in diseases, hence, the government should take some measures to enhance the public health.
Furthermore, housing problems are also stood as the primary driving force behind illness and diseases. Because of the economic growth, significant portion of immigrants move to urban center in search of employment opportunities. They often tend to live in some community house, due to the reasonable price, which lack of some standard sanitary conditions such as many people will share bathroom together. This kind of lifestyle will foster the ability of spreading some infectious diseases via atmosphere or water which is very dangerous for the whole community. As a result of this problem, governments should promote some strategy like building cheap price housing for workers with adequate sanitation standard and demolish the slums for blue-collar workers to avoid potential dangers in the future. Obviously, improving housing conditions is essential strategy that directly improve public health.
In conclusion, I firmly believe that reducing environmental pollution and housing problems is crucial for disease prevention. This measure will alleviate the risk of chronic and acute diseases and also the infectious diseases too.

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Errors and Improvements:

"It is often suggested that the government can mitigate the increasing trend of illness and disease by focusing on environmental and housing issue." -> "It is widely acknowledged that the government can mitigate the increasing trend of illness and disease by addressing environmental and housing issues."
Explanation: "It is often suggested" is somewhat vague and lacks specificity. "Widely acknowledged" adds more weight to the statement. "Focusing on environmental and housing issue" should be pluralized to "issues" for grammatical correctness.
"In my opinion, I fully agree with this idea, this essay will discuss some reasons in support of my perspective." -> "I wholeheartedly endorse this idea. Subsequently, this essay will delineate several reasons supporting my standpoint."
Explanation: "In my opinion" is redundant since the essay is already expressing the author’s perspective. "Fully agree" can be enhanced to "wholeheartedly endorse" for a stronger endorsement. "Delineate" is a more formal alternative to "discuss," and "standpoint" is more academic than "perspective."
"The main factor contributing to various chronic and acute health conditions predominantly stems from environmental problems." -> "The primary factor contributing to various chronic and acute health conditions primarily originates from environmental issues."
Explanation: "Predominantly" and "stems from" are repetitive and could be replaced with "primarily" and "originates from" respectively. "Problems" can be replaced with "issues" for variety and precision.
"This is because many toxic chemicals are released directly to the environment via vehicles or factories without the appropriate treatment process, thus, it is inevitable for citizens to avoid some diseases related to respiratory or cardiovascular." -> "This is due to the direct release of numerous toxic chemicals into the environment by vehicles or factories, often without proper treatment processes, thereby making it inevitable for citizens to develop certain diseases related to respiratory or cardiovascular systems."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. Splitting it into two sentences and rephrasing for clarity improves readability. "Avoid" should be replaced with "develop" to convey the intended meaning more accurately.
"There are several research show the relation between reduced pollution levels and the lower rates in diseases, hence, the government should take some measures to enhance the public health." -> "Several studies demonstrate the correlation between reduced pollution levels and decreased disease rates. Therefore, the government should implement measures to improve public health."
Explanation: "There are several research show" is grammatically incorrect. "Studies demonstrate" is a more precise phrase. "Hence" can be replaced with "therefore" for a more formal tone.
"Furthermore, housing problems are also stood as the primary driving force behind illness and diseases." -> "Furthermore, housing issues also stand as the primary catalyst for illness and diseases."
Explanation: "Are also stood as" is awkward and not grammatically correct. Replacing with "also stand as" improves readability. "Driving force" can be replaced with "catalyst" for variety.
"They often tend to live in some community house, due to the reasonable price, which lack of some standard sanitary conditions such as many people will share bathroom together." -> "They often reside in communal housing due to its affordability, which lacks standard sanitary conditions, such as shared bathrooms."
Explanation: "Some community house" lacks clarity and precision. "Communal housing" is a more precise term. "Lack of some standard sanitary conditions" can be simplified to "lacks standard sanitary conditions" for conciseness.
"This kind of lifestyle will foster the ability of spreading some infectious diseases via atmosphere or water which is very dangerous for the whole community." -> "This lifestyle facilitates the spread of infectious diseases through the air or water, posing significant risks to the entire community."
Explanation: "Foster the ability of spreading some infectious diseases" is wordy and unclear. "Facilitates the spread" is a more concise and precise alternative. "Via atmosphere or water" can be replaced with "through the air or water" for clarity.
"As a result of this problem, governments should promote some strategy like building cheap price housing for workers with adequate sanitation standard and demolish the slums for blue-collar workers to avoid potential dangers in the future." -> "Consequently, governments should promote strategies such as constructing affordable housing units for workers with adequate sanitation standards and demolishing slums inhabited by blue-collar workers to mitigate potential future risks."
Explanation: "Some strategy like" is vague and lacks precision. "Strategies such as" is a clearer alternative. "Cheap price housing" is awkward and can be replaced with "affordable housing units." "Demolish the slums for blue-collar workers" can be improved to "demolishing slums inhabited by blue-collar workers" for clarity and conciseness.
"In conclusion, I firmly believe that reducing environmental pollution and housing problems is crucial for disease prevention." -> "In conclusion, I firmly believe that mitigating environmental pollution and addressing housing issues are imperative for disease prevention."
Explanation: "Reducing" can be replaced with "mitigating" for a stronger emphasis. "Crucial" can be replaced with "imperative" for a more formal tone. "Addressing housing problems" is more precise than "housing problems."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing both environmental pollution and housing problems as factors contributing to illness and disease. It outlines reasons supporting the perspective that governments should focus on these issues for disease prevention.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, the essay could delve deeper into specific examples or statistics demonstrating the correlation between environmental pollution/housing problems and public health. Additionally, a clearer introduction stating the two aspects of the issue and the essay’s stance would improve clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance supporting the notion that governments should prioritize reducing environmental pollution and housing problems for disease prevention. The position is evident in the introduction and reiterated throughout the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state the stance in the introduction, perhaps by rephrasing the thesis to explicitly mention the focus on environmental and housing issues.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the relationship between environmental pollution/housing problems and public health, and extends them with examples and proposed solutions. Instances such as the impact of toxic chemicals on health and the spread of infectious diseases due to poor housing conditions are discussed.
- How to improve: To enhance idea development, the essay could provide more detailed elaboration on the proposed solutions, explaining how they would effectively address the issues. Additionally, citing specific studies or real-world examples would lend further credibility to the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by addressing the relationship between environmental pollution, housing problems, and their impact on public health. However, there are minor instances where the discussion could be more focused, such as the brief mention of economic growth without directly linking it to housing problems.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay could ensure that each point made directly relates to the central argument of the importance of addressing environmental pollution and housing problems for disease prevention. Avoiding tangential topics or providing clearer transitions between ideas would help in this regard.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position with supporting ideas, there is room for improvement in terms of providing more comprehensive evidence, refining clarity, and maintaining focus throughout. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay could further strengthen its argumentation and coherence, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing environmental issues and housing problems separately, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, maintaining a logical progression of ideas.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next, providing clear connections between ideas. Additionally, consider refining the thesis statement to succinctly outline the main points that will be discussed in the body paragraphs.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to separate different ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, providing cohesion within the text.
- How to improve: While the essay utilizes paragraphs adequately, pay attention to paragraph length to ensure coherence and readability. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance clarity and organization.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("Furthermore," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("this," "these") to connect ideas within and between sentences.
- How to improve: To improve cohesion, aim to diversify the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Incorporate cohesive devices such as conjunctions ("however," "therefore") and referencing words ("the former," "the latter") to strengthen logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately to maintain coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are instances where the writer employs varied vocabulary, such as "predominantly," "legislation," "sanitary conditions," and "alleviate." However, some vocabulary repetition is noticeable, for example, the frequent use of "environmental problems" and "housing problems" could have been diversified with synonyms or alternative phrases to enhance lexical richness.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases for frequently used terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "environmental problems," try substituting with terms like "environmental challenges," "ecological issues," or "pollution concerns." Utilize a thesaurus or contextually relevant vocabulary lists to diversify word choice.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For instance, precise usage is evident in phrases like "toxic chemicals," "respiratory or cardiovascular diseases," and "infectious diseases." However, there are instances of imprecise language, such as "some reasons," "some research show," and "significant portion," which could be refined for clarity and specificity.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by replacing vague terms like "some reasons" with specific explanations, such as "several factors," "key factors include," or "notably." Similarly, instead of "some research show," specify the research findings with phrases like "numerous studies indicate," "research has demonstrated," or "evidence suggests." This will enhance the clarity and credibility of your arguments.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally adequate level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors observed. Examples of correctly spelled words include "environment," "government," and "pollution." However, there are some spelling errors present, such as "introduce" instead of "introduction," "discount" instead of "discounts," and "stood" instead of "stand," which slightly detract from the overall coherence and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: Enhance spelling accuracy by employing proofreading techniques such as reading the essay aloud, utilizing spell-check tools, and paying close attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, consider consulting dictionaries or online resources for accurate spellings and meanings of unfamiliar terms. Practicing spelling through writing exercises can also aid in improving accuracy over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There are instances of complex sentence structures such as "The main factor contributing to various chronic and acute health conditions predominantly stems from environmental problems." However, the essay predominantly relies on simple and compound structures, with limited use of more complex constructions. This affects the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex constructions such as relative clauses, participial phrases, and conditional sentences. For example, instead of relying solely on straightforward statements, you could introduce subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity to your arguments. Additionally, vary the lengths of your sentences to create rhythm and maintain reader engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasings throughout the text. For instance, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("there are several research show") and article usage ("the authorities should introduce the legislation"). Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing, such as "Because of the economic growth, significant portion of immigrants move to urban center in search of employment opportunities."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review the basic rules of grammar and syntax. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure. Proofread your writing carefully to identify and correct errors. Additionally, strive for clarity and precision in your phrasing by avoiding convoluted sentence structures and opting for straightforward expression of ideas. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement and practice writing regularly to strengthen your grammar and punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that the government can mitigate the increasing trend of illness and disease by addressing environmental and housing issues. I wholeheartedly endorse this idea. Subsequently, this essay will delineate several reasons supporting my standpoint.

The primary factor contributing to various chronic and acute health conditions primarily originates from environmental issues. This is due to the direct release of numerous toxic chemicals into the environment by vehicles or factories, often without proper treatment processes, thereby making it inevitable for citizens to develop certain diseases related to respiratory or cardiovascular systems. Several studies demonstrate the correlation between reduced pollution levels and decreased disease rates. Therefore, the government should implement measures to improve public health.

Furthermore, housing issues also stand as the primary catalyst for illness and diseases. They often reside in communal housing due to its affordability, which lacks standard sanitary conditions, such as shared bathrooms. This lifestyle facilitates the spread of infectious diseases through the air or water, posing significant risks to the entire community. Consequently, governments should promote strategies such as constructing affordable housing units for workers with adequate sanitation standards and demolishing slums inhabited by blue-collar workers to mitigate potential future risks.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that mitigating environmental pollution and addressing housing issues are imperative for disease prevention.