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Some people say that young people should be encouraged to leave home when they become adults while others claim it would be better to remain with their family. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people say that young people should be encouraged to leave home when they become adults while others claim it would be better to remain with their family. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In today's face-paced world, dependence on ourselves or families is the most significantly controversial problem which always seems to be at the top of every discussion. Although it is believed that youngsters should receive motivation to leave home when they are in their adulthood, some just argue staying with their family members is likely to be better. From my perspective, being not dependent on family when not being in the age of must-cared is serviceably beneficial.

On the one hand, the development of independence plays a crucial role in our daily lives. Not only can we take care of ourselves while not having any helpness from others, but it also changes and enhances our lifestyle. To be self-reliant is simply to say that we have potential factors to live on our own or just want freedom and respect from individuals. The most important thing about independence is self-sufficiency. Having this personality exposes youngsters to new experiences and perspectives that can help them to grow-up as adults. Furthermore, it is expected that they can have more opportunities to save their own money and build a solid financial foundation until getting jobs and face up to life. The more motivation young people get, the more self-reliant they want to try to be. For instance, nowadays, it is reported that more than 50% of famous and intelligent people were to learn to be independent of their relatives at an early age; like Elon Musk- the richest of the globe, he used to leave school and created his own business when he was just a youth in general.

On the other hand, some argue that staying with families is safer, maybe because of protecting their children from the negative sides of communication. Although parents can control all activities of their children or it can seem like gathering all family members together or maintaining strong relationships, the disadvantages of this trend outweigh the benefits as well. Compared to the fact that many generations get more modern types of teaching children and the development of the globe, relying on parents is out of fashion, and it just makes our sons and daughters have less self-care and self-defense. Besides that, perhaps it can have a strong effect on youngsters' minds and they cannot expand knowledge around the world. It is just a shortcoming for them while they always have a chance to get more opportunities.

As I have noted, letting young individuals learn how they can be independent has more beneficial results, they can control their lives, understand what they want to do, not really relying on family all the time. Young people also repeatedly broaden their knowledge. Instead of keeping children not to be far from family, it is not a well-informed decision, we just allow them to have their own opinion and freedom so that they can improve themselves in the way they want to be. Independent children will be more likely to be successful than dependent ones.

To conclude, in spite of depending on unique situations, an independent lifestyle is beneficial. It also has more opportunities to develop and improve themselves on all sides than depending on family. While there are valid points on both sides, I am still convinced that self-reliance is the more favorable viewpoint.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In today’s face-paced world" -> "In today’s fast-paced world"
    Explanation: Correcting the typo "face-paced" to "fast-paced" ensures the correct spelling and maintains the intended meaning of the phrase, which refers to the speed or pace of contemporary life.

  2. "the most significantly controversial problem" -> "the most significant and controversial issue"
    Explanation: Replacing "problem" with "issue" provides a more formal and precise term suitable for academic writing. Also, "most significantly" is redundant; "significant and" is more concise and natural.

  3. "always seems to be at the top of every discussion" -> "is consistently a topic of discussion"
    Explanation: "Always seems to be at the top of every discussion" is overly wordy and informal. "Is consistently a topic of discussion" is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

  4. "being not dependent on family when not being in the age of must-cared" -> "not being dependent on family outside of childhood"
    Explanation: "Being not dependent on family when not being in the age of must-cared" is awkward and unclear. "Not being dependent on family outside of childhood" clarifies the meaning and uses more precise language.

  5. "helpness" -> "help"
    Explanation: "Helpness" is not a word; the correct term is "help."

  6. "simply to say that we have potential factors to live on our own" -> "essentially, it means having the capacity to live independently"
    Explanation: "Simply to say" is informal and vague. "Essentially, it means" provides a clearer and more formal introduction to the explanation.

  7. "want freedom and respect from individuals" -> "seek autonomy and respect from others"
    Explanation: "Want freedom and respect from individuals" is informal and imprecise. "Seek autonomy and respect from others" uses more formal vocabulary and clarifies the type of respect sought.

  8. "it is expected that they can have more opportunities to save their own money" -> "it is anticipated that they will have more opportunities to manage their finances"
    Explanation: "Save their own money" is too simplistic and informal. "Manage their finances" is a more precise and formal term suitable for academic writing.

  9. "face up to life" -> "face the challenges of life"
    Explanation: "Face up to life" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing. "Face the challenges of life" is more formal and specific.

  10. "it is reported that more than 50% of famous and intelligent people were to learn to be independent" -> "it is reported that more than 50% of renowned and intelligent individuals learned to be independent"
    Explanation: "Were to learn" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Learned to be independent" corrects the tense and improves the flow.

  11. "the richest of the globe" -> "the richest person in the world"
    Explanation: "The richest of the globe" is awkward and unclear. "The richest person in the world" is more precise and commonly used in formal writing.

  12. "used to leave school and created his own business" -> "dropped out of school and started his own business"
    Explanation: "Used to leave school and created his own business" is informal and imprecise. "Dropped out of school and started his own business" is more direct and appropriate for an academic context.

  13. "staying with families" -> "remaining with their families"
    Explanation: "Staying with families" is vague and informal. "Remaining with their families" specifies the subject and is more formal.

  14. "protecting their children from the negative sides of communication" -> "protecting their children from adverse communication"
    Explanation: "The negative sides of communication" is awkward and unclear. "Adverse communication" is a more precise and formal term.

  15. "it can seem like gathering all family members together" -> "it may appear to bring all family members together"
    Explanation: "It can seem like" is informal and vague. "It may appear to bring" is more formal and precise.

  16. "relying on parents is out of fashion" -> "relying on parents is no longer fashionable"
    Explanation: "Out of fashion" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing. "No longer fashionable" is a more formal alternative.

  17. "have less self-care and self-defense" -> "develop less self-care and self-defense skills"
    Explanation: "Have less self-care and self-defense" is awkward and unclear. "Develop less self-care and self-defense skills" clarifies the meaning and uses more precise language.

  18. "it is just a shortcoming for them" -> "this is a limitation for them"
    Explanation: "It is just a shortcoming for them" is informal and vague.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding whether young people should leave home or stay with their families. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of independence, while the second body paragraph presents the argument for staying with family, albeit with less depth. The conclusion reiterates the author’s preference for independence. However, the discussion of the opposing view lacks sufficient detail and nuance, which could lead to a less comprehensive understanding of the topic.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should provide a more balanced exploration of both perspectives. This could involve elaborating on the advantages of staying with family, such as emotional support and financial stability, and addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen the discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position favoring independence throughout the essay. Phrases like "from my perspective" and "I am still convinced" effectively signal the author’s stance. However, the position could be more explicitly reinforced in the second body paragraph, where the argument for staying with family is presented. This could create a perception of imbalance in the discussion.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the author should explicitly counter the arguments for staying with family in the second body paragraph. This could involve acknowledging the merits of the opposing view while clearly stating why independence is ultimately more beneficial.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the benefits of independence, such as self-sufficiency and exposure to new experiences. However, the support for these ideas could be more robust. For example, the reference to Elon Musk is relevant but could be better integrated into the argument. The second body paragraph lacks strong supporting examples, which diminishes the overall effectiveness of the argument for staying with family.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the author should include more specific examples and evidence for both sides of the argument. This could involve citing studies, statistics, or personal anecdotes that illustrate the points being made, thereby enhancing the persuasiveness of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the themes of independence and family support. However, some sentences are overly complex or veer slightly off-topic, such as the phrase "the development of the globe," which could confuse readers. Additionally, the phrase "not being in the age of must-cared" is unclear and detracts from the overall focus.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all sentences directly relate to the main argument. Simplifying complex phrases and ensuring clarity in expression will help keep the reader engaged and focused on the topic. Regularly revisiting the prompt during the writing process can also help maintain relevance.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of both views, stronger supporting examples, and clearer expression to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The ideas flow logically from one to the next, particularly in the first body paragraph where the benefits of independence are articulated. However, the transition between the two main body paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing independence to the argument for staying with family feels abrupt and could benefit from a linking sentence that highlights the contrast between the two perspectives.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly indicate a shift in perspective, such as "Conversely" or "On the other hand." Additionally, summarizing the main point of the first paragraph before introducing the counterargument can help reinforce the logical flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct argument. The first paragraph discusses the benefits of independence, while the second addresses the advantages of staying with family. However, the conclusion could be more clearly delineated as a separate paragraph, as it currently blends into the final body paragraph, which can confuse readers about where the discussion ends and the conclusion begins.
    • How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion is clearly separated from the body paragraphs. This can be achieved by starting a new paragraph for the conclusion and summarizing the key points succinctly. Additionally, reinforcing the main arguments in the conclusion can provide a stronger closure to the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the contrasting views. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Some sentences feel disjointed, and the use of pronouns and conjunctions could be improved to enhance the overall cohesion. For example, phrases like "the most important thing" and "it is expected that" could be varied to avoid repetition and improve flow.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "Moreover," and "Nevertheless." Additionally, ensure that pronouns clearly refer back to their antecedents to avoid ambiguity. For instance, instead of saying "it can have a strong effect," specify what "it" refers to for clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, improving paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "self-reliant," "self-sufficiency," and "independence" effectively employed to convey the main ideas. However, there are instances of repetition and a lack of more sophisticated vocabulary that could enhance the argument. For example, the phrase "youngsters should receive motivation" could be varied with synonyms like "encouragement" or "incentives" to avoid redundancy.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions can elevate the overall quality. For instance, instead of "the most significantly controversial problem," consider using "a highly contentious issue."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "not having any helpness from others" uses "helpless" incorrectly; it should be "help." Additionally, the term "must-cared" is awkward and unclear in context. The phrase "the disadvantages of this trend outweigh the benefits as well" could be more succinctly expressed as "the disadvantages of this trend outweigh its benefits."
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising awkward phrases and ensuring that terms are used in their correct forms. Engaging in vocabulary exercises that emphasize context and connotation can also help.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "face-paced" (should be "fast-paced"), "helpness" (should be "help"), and "grow-up" (should be "grow up"). These errors can disrupt the reader’s understanding and detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using flashcards for commonly misspelled words can reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the lexical resource of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("Although it is believed that youngsters should receive motivation to leave home when they are in their adulthood, some just argue staying with their family members is likely to be better.") and compound sentences ("The more motivation young people get, the more self-reliant they want to try to be."). However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and a lack of cohesion that detract from the overall effectiveness. For example, phrases like "being not dependent on family when not being in the age of must-cared" are convoluted and unclear.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences more fluidly. Incorporating varied sentence beginnings (e.g., starting with adverbial clauses or transitional phrases) can enhance the essay’s rhythm. Additionally, focusing on clarity and conciseness will help eliminate awkward constructions.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, the phrase "helpness from others" should be "helplessness from others," and "the age of must-cared" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. There are also punctuation errors, such as the misuse of commas in complex sentences, which can confuse readers. For example, "like Elon Musk- the richest of the globe" should use a comma instead of a dash, and "it can seem like gathering all family members together or maintaining strong relationships" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of adjectives and adverbs. Practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding commas and conjunctions, will also be beneficial. Reading essays or articles with a focus on grammar can help the writer internalize correct structures and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas and arguments, improving grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance its clarity and effectiveness. Regular practice, feedback, and revision will help the writer achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s fast-paced world, dependence on ourselves or families is the most significant and controversial issue that always seems to be at the top of every discussion. Although it is believed that youngsters should be encouraged to leave home when they reach adulthood, some argue that staying with their family members is likely to be better. From my perspective, not being dependent on family when not in the age of being cared for is essentially beneficial.

On the one hand, the development of independence plays a crucial role in our daily lives. Not only can we take care of ourselves without any help from others, but it also changes and enhances our lifestyle. To be self-reliant essentially means having the capacity to live independently and seeking autonomy and respect from others. The most important aspect of independence is self-sufficiency. Having this trait exposes youngsters to new experiences and perspectives that can help them grow as adults. Furthermore, it is anticipated that they will have more opportunities to save their own money and build a solid financial foundation before getting jobs and facing the challenges of life. The more motivation young people receive, the more self-reliant they will want to become. For instance, it is reported that more than 50% of renowned and intelligent individuals learned to be independent of their relatives at an early age; for example, Elon Musk, the richest person in the world, dropped out of school and started his own business when he was just a youth.

On the other hand, some argue that staying with families is safer, perhaps because it protects their children from the negative aspects of communication. Although parents can control all activities of their children, or it may seem like it brings all family members together and maintains strong relationships, the disadvantages of this trend outweigh the benefits. Compared to the fact that many generations are adopting more modern types of teaching children and the development of the world, relying on parents is no longer fashionable, and it just makes our sons and daughters develop less self-care and self-defense skills. Besides that, it may have a strong effect on youngsters’ minds, preventing them from expanding their knowledge about the world. This is a limitation for them while they always have a chance to gain more opportunities.

As I have noted, allowing young individuals to learn how to be independent has more beneficial results; they can control their lives and understand what they want to do without constantly relying on family. Young people also repeatedly broaden their knowledge. Instead of keeping children close to family, it is not a well-informed decision; we should allow them to have their own opinions and freedom so that they can improve themselves in the way they want to be. Independent children will be more likely to be successful than dependent ones.

To conclude, despite unique situations, an independent lifestyle is beneficial. It also offers more opportunities to develop and improve themselves in all aspects than depending on family. While there are valid points on both sides, I am still convinced that self-reliance is the more favorable viewpoint.

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