Some people think adults should learn practical skills by themselves, while others think they should learn with teachers in the classroom. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In the contemporary era, practical skills and experiences play vital roles not only in personal life but also in career progressions. While some argue that mature individuals should acquire these essential skills through self-directed learning, others endorse the conventional approach of learning with teachers in classrooms. Personally, I lean towards the former view.

It is understandable why some people advocate the opinion that studying with mentors is necessary to achieve hands-on abilities. The primary reasoning behind this is that these courses provide adults with personalized curriculums and better supervision. Additionally, success in gaining practical skills is attributed to the opportunity to learn from mistakes made by their peers. Therefore, it seems sensible to endorse the traditional way as the key to addressing the aforementioned problems in the development of essential knowledge.

However, the notion that learning with instructions is the optimal approach to practical skills adoption is not without its challenges. I still believe that self-directed learning exerts a more profound impact. This is largely due to the situation where adults have work commitments, with some being occupied with their jobs throughout the entire day and night. The implication of this is a shortage of time for getting engaged in classes. Another primary reason behind this could be the flexibility that comes from learning on their own, offering better-planned schedules and addressing significant financial constraints that many conventional courses cannot address.

In conclusion, while it is justifiable that getting involved in teacher-based classes is capable of acquiring necessary skills in life, I still believe that it is more beneficial for mature individuals to apply self-study plans.

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Errors and Improvements:

"play vital roles" -> "play crucial roles"
Explanation: Replacing "play vital roles" with "play crucial roles" elevates the language to a more formal level by using a synonym that conveys importance and significance in a more sophisticated manner.
"While some argue that" -> "While some contend that"
Explanation: Substituting "argue" with "contend" adds formality to the sentence without altering the meaning, aligning with the academic tone expected in essays.
"leaning towards the former view" -> "inclining towards the former perspective"
Explanation: Replacing "leaning towards" with "inclining towards" maintains the idea of a personal stance while using a more formal and precise expression.
"It is understandable why some people advocate" -> "It is comprehensible why some individuals advocate"
Explanation: Replacing "understandable" with "comprehensible" and "people" with "individuals" enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.
"primary reasoning" -> "main rationale"
Explanation: Substituting "primary reasoning" with "main rationale" introduces a more sophisticated term, contributing to a higher level of academic language.
"made by their peers" -> "made by their counterparts"
Explanation: Changing "peers" to "counterparts" maintains the meaning while using a more formal term, contributing to a more academically appropriate expression.
"it seems sensible" -> "it appears reasonable"
Explanation: Replacing "it seems sensible" with "it appears reasonable" maintains the idea but uses a more formal phrase, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"not without its challenges" -> "not devoid of challenges"
Explanation: Substituting "not without its challenges" with "not devoid of challenges" maintains the negation while employing a more formal and precise expression.
"I still believe" -> "I maintain"
Explanation: Replacing "I still believe" with "I maintain" adds a level of formality to the statement, contributing to a more academic tone.
"with some being occupied" -> "with some individuals being occupied"
Explanation: Expanding "some" to "some individuals" adds specificity and formality to the sentence.
"throughout the entire day and night" -> "throughout the entire day and into the night"
Explanation: Adding "into the night" provides a more detailed and formal description of the time commitment, contributing to a richer expression.
"implication of this is a shortage of time" -> "implication of this is a limited availability of time"
Explanation: Substituting "shortage of time" with "limited availability of time" maintains the meaning while using a more formal and precise expression.
"flexibility that comes from learning on their own" -> "flexibility inherent in self-directed learning"
Explanation: Replacing "flexibility that comes from" with "flexibility inherent in" streamlines the expression, making it more concise and formal.
"better-planned schedules" -> "more meticulously planned schedules"
Explanation: Adding "more meticulously" before "planned schedules" conveys a sense of thoroughness, contributing to a more nuanced and formal expression.
"addressing significant financial constraints" -> "mitigating substantial financial constraints"
Explanation: Substituting "addressing" with "mitigating" and "significant" with "substantial" enhances the precision and formality of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both views (learning with teachers and self-directed learning) and presents a clear opinion.
- How to improve: While the essay provides a comprehensive response, consider offering a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing view to enhance the depth of analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by favoring self-directed learning. The stance is evident in the introduction, developed in the body paragraphs, and reiterated in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity, consider integrating the opinion into the topic sentences of each body paragraph for a more cohesive structure.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It discusses the advantages of learning with teachers and counters with the benefits of self-directed learning, providing examples and reasoning.
- How to improve: To further enhance the depth, consider incorporating real-world examples or statistics to support the arguments made in each paragraph.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by addressing the prompt and discussing the merits of both learning approaches.
- How to improve: Avoid slight deviations, such as the mention of "hands-on abilities" in the second paragraph, which may slightly divert from the main focus. Ensure all details contribute directly to the discussion of learning methods.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong response to the prompt with a well-structured argument and clear articulation of ideas. To elevate the essay further, consider explicitly acknowledging the opposing view, integrating the opinion into topic sentences for coherence, incorporating more concrete examples, and avoiding minor deviations from the main topic. Overall, a commendable performance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting contrasting views, and a concise conclusion. However, the flow could be enhanced by providing a smoother transition between the arguments for and against each learning approach. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of learning with teachers to the drawbacks lacks a clear bridge, which slightly affects the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, ensure that there is a smooth transition between different points in the essay. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the shifts in ideas. In this essay, a sentence or two linking the advantages of classroom learning to the challenges of this approach could enhance the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the length of the paragraphs varies, with the second paragraph being particularly lengthy. This affects the balance and may cause the reader to lose focus.
- How to improve: Maintain consistency in paragraph length to ensure a more balanced structure. Consider breaking down the second paragraph into two or more smaller paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. This will make the essay more reader-friendly and enhance its overall coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used. Currently, the essay relies heavily on words like "however" and "therefore."
- How to improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices used to create a more varied and sophisticated connection between ideas. Introduce synonyms for common transition words and experiment with different sentence structures. For example, instead of always using "however," consider using alternatives like "nevertheless" or "on the other hand" to add variety and nuance to the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, addressing these specific points will contribute to a more refined and well-structured piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is evidence of varied word choices, particularly in phrases like "contemporary era," "personal life," and "career progressions." However, the essay lacks more sophisticated or nuanced vocabulary that could elevate it to a higher band score. For instance, the use of common phrases like "hands-on abilities" and "essential knowledge" could be enhanced with more diverse and precise vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific terms and synonyms. For example, instead of using general terms like "essential knowledge," you could specify the type of knowledge being referred to. Exploring advanced vocabulary related to the essay’s subject matter would enhance the overall lexical richness.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with clarity; however, there are instances where a more precise choice of words could improve accuracy. For instance, the phrase "the implication of this is a shortage of time" could be refined for a more accurate expression. Additionally, certain phrases, like "learning on their own," could be replaced with more precise alternatives for a sharper impact.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by carefully selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Consider rephrasing sentences to eliminate ambiguity. For instance, instead of "learning on their own," you might use "self-directed learning" to provide a more exact description of the concept.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a commendable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where typos and minor errors, such as "curriculums" (should be "curricula") and "getting engaged" (might be clearer as "participating"), slightly detract from the overall spelling precision.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay thoroughly, paying special attention to commonly misspelled words. Utilize tools like spell-check to catch minor errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing writing resources to refine spelling skills further.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the essay prompt and a reasonable command of vocabulary. To improve, focus on diversifying and refining your vocabulary, aiming for more precise word choices. Additionally, ensure meticulous proofreading to enhance spelling accuracy and overall language quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are effectively utilized. For instance, the introductory sentence is complex, incorporating multiple clauses to convey a nuanced idea. The use of transitional phrases, such as "Additionally" and "Therefore," contributes to the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures and varying the length of sentences. Experiment with using appositive phrases, participial phrases, or inversion for added sophistication.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. Sentences are well-structured, and grammatical errors are minimal. Punctuation, including commas and periods, is appropriately used to guide the reader through the text. For instance, the sentence "This is largely due to the situation where adults have work commitments" is grammatically sound.
- How to improve: While the overall accuracy is strong, pay attention to subject-verb agreement in complex sentences. For instance, in the sentence "The primary reasoning behind this is that these courses provide adults with personalized curriculums and better supervision," ensure that the subject "reasoning" agrees with the singular verb "is." Additionally, consider incorporating more advanced punctuation, such as semicolons or em dashes, to add variety and precision.

Overall, the essay exhibits a robust command of grammar and a diverse range of sentence structures. To further elevate the essay, continue refining the complexity of sentence structures and attend to minor grammatical nuances.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, practical skills and experiences play crucial roles, not only in personal life but also in career progressions. While some contend that mature individuals should acquire these essential skills through self-directed learning, others advocate the conventional approach of learning with teachers in classrooms. Personally, I incline towards the former perspective.

It is comprehensible why some individuals advocate the opinion that studying with mentors is necessary to achieve hands-on abilities. The main rationale behind this is that these courses provide adults with personalized curriculums and better supervision. Additionally, success in gaining practical skills is attributed to the opportunity to learn from mistakes made by their counterparts. Therefore, it appears reasonable to endorse the traditional way as the key to addressing the aforementioned problems in the development of essential knowledge.

However, the notion that learning with instructions is the optimal approach to practical skills adoption is not devoid of challenges. I maintain that self-directed learning exerts a more profound impact. This is largely due to the situation where adults have work commitments, with some individuals being occupied with their jobs throughout the entire day and into the night. The implication of this is a limited availability of time for getting engaged in classes. Another primary reason behind this could be the flexibility inherent in self-directed learning, offering more meticulously planned schedules and mitigating substantial financial constraints that many conventional courses cannot address.