Some people think most crimes are the result of circumstances like poverty and other social problems. Others believe that they are caused by people who are bad in nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion
Some people think most crimes are the result of circumstances like poverty and other social problems. Others believe that they are caused by people who are bad in nature. Discuss both views and give your opinion
The debate over whether most crime caused by social problems such as circumstances, poverty or causing by naturally bad people. This essay suggests that individual social probelms caused criminals because the morality became weaker and children might be taught wrongly. Although, some heinous criminal were panic and lost their humanity.
Recently, the development of the Internet and social medias contribute to the idealism, therefore, lots of people try to have more poverty and commit crime, such as bribery. Furthermore, the modern society cause the morality noticeably weakened while the materialism became much stronger, For example, a person who grows up in a society that consider money, is ability to commit crime easier.
However, the most heinous criminal, such as murderers and serial killers, forfeit the right to live by commiting such cold-blooded crime. These law-breakers commit crime as a way to entertain and raise enjoyment.These offenders will not be better with any in-prison rehabilitation programmes. This may be true but this is a monor part of crime.
Another key point to consider is that children who have a wrong education will have incorrect behaviors in their future. Hence, the parents and the school are very important with children mindset. For instance, the education that consider the gap between rich and poor will contribute to increase criminals.
In conclusion, there are many kind of crime, from petty crime to organised crime, the motivation of each one is different. Hwever, the circumstances, poverty and orther social problems were considerably increase the amount of crime.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"most crime caused by" -> "most crimes are caused by"
Explanation: Adding "are" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal. -
"naturally bad people" -> "naturally inclined individuals"
Explanation: "Naturally inclined individuals" is a more precise and formal way to describe people with inherent tendencies, avoiding the colloquial and somewhat pejorative term "naturally bad people." -
"individual social probelms" -> "individual social problems"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "probelms" to "problems," ensuring accuracy and professionalism. -
"causing by" -> "caused by"
Explanation: Corrects the preposition usage to "caused by" for grammatical accuracy. -
"panicked" -> "panicked"
Explanation: No change needed here, as "panicked" is correct in this context. -
"lost their humanity" -> "lost their sense of humanity"
Explanation: Adding "of" clarifies the phrase, making it more precise and formal. -
"the development of the Internet and social medias" -> "the development of the Internet and social media"
Explanation: Corrects the plural form "medias" to "media" for grammatical accuracy and consistency. -
"try to have more poverty" -> "attempt to alleviate poverty"
Explanation: "Attempt to alleviate poverty" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than the vague and incorrect "try to have more poverty." -
"the modern society cause" -> "modern society causes"
Explanation: Corrects the verb agreement to "causes" to match the singular subject "society." -
"noticeably weakened" -> "noticeably weakened"
Explanation: No change needed here, as "noticeably weakened" is correct. -
"is ability to commit crime easier" -> "is more likely to commit crime"
Explanation: "Is more likely to commit crime" is a clearer and more formal expression than the awkward and unclear "is ability to commit crime easier." -
"the most heinous criminal" -> "the most heinous criminals"
Explanation: Corrects the plural form to match the plural subject "criminals." -
"forfeit the right to live by commiting" -> "forfeit their right to life by committing"
Explanation: "Forfeit their right to life" is a more formal and precise phrase than "forfeit the right to live," and "committing" should be used instead of "commiting" for correct spelling. -
"as a way to entertain and raise enjoyment" -> "as a means of entertainment and enjoyment"
Explanation: "As a means of entertainment and enjoyment" is more formal and precise than the colloquial "as a way to entertain and raise enjoyment." -
"will not be better with any in-prison rehabilitation programmes" -> "will not benefit from any in-prison rehabilitation programs"
Explanation: "Will not benefit from" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea than "will not be better with." -
"monor part of crime" -> "minor part of crime"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "monor" to "minor." -
"the education that consider the gap" -> "the education that considers the gap"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense to "considers" for grammatical consistency and clarity. -
"will contribute to increase criminals" -> "will contribute to an increase in crime"
Explanation: "Will contribute to an increase in crime" is grammatically correct and more precise than "will contribute to increase criminals." -
"orther social problems" -> "other social problems"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "orther" to "other." -
"were considerably increase" -> "have considerably increased"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense to "have considerably increased" for grammatical accuracy and consistency.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding the causes of crime, mentioning social problems and individual nature. However, it lacks a balanced discussion of both perspectives. The first part focuses more on social issues, while the second part briefly mentions "heinous criminals" without fully exploring the idea of inherent badness. The conclusion also does not clearly summarize both views or articulate a definitive opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that both perspectives are given equal weight. Spend more time discussing the viewpoint that crime is a result of inherent badness, providing examples and reasoning. Additionally, clearly state your own opinion in the introduction and conclusion, ensuring it reflects a synthesis of the arguments presented.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is somewhat unclear. While it suggests that social problems lead to crime, it also acknowledges the existence of "heinous criminals." This duality creates confusion about the author’s stance. The phrase "this may be true but this is a minor part of crime" undermines the earlier points made about social issues, leading to inconsistency.
- How to improve: Clearly define your position in the introduction and maintain it throughout the essay. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument, ensuring that each paragraph supports your overall stance. Revisit your position in the conclusion to reinforce clarity.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but lacks depth and development. For instance, the mention of the Internet and social media as contributing factors to crime is interesting but not sufficiently elaborated upon. The examples provided are vague and do not convincingly support the claims made. The discussion of education and its impact on behavior is a good point but could be expanded with more specific examples or studies.
- How to improve: To strengthen your ideas, provide specific examples and evidence to support your claims. Use statistics, case studies, or real-life examples to illustrate your points more effectively. Aim to develop each idea fully, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main point supported by detailed explanations.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally strays into vague assertions. For example, the phrase "the morality noticeably weakened" lacks clarity and specificity. Additionally, the discussion about the Internet and social media does not directly connect to the main argument about crime causation.
- How to improve: Focus on maintaining relevance to the prompt throughout the essay. Ensure that each point made directly relates to the discussion of crime causation. Avoid introducing ideas that do not directly support your argument or that may confuse the reader. Regularly refer back to the prompt to ensure alignment with the task.
By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its overall coherence, depth, and clarity, potentially raising the band score for Task Response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by unclear transitions and a lack of clear topic sentences. For instance, the transition from discussing social problems to the nature of heinous criminals could be smoother. The introduction states the writer’s opinion but does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows logically into the next by using transitional phrases. For example, you could use phrases like "On the other hand" or "In contrast" when shifting from discussing social problems to individual nature.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but some are overly long and contain multiple ideas that could be better separated. For example, the second paragraph combines discussions of social media, materialism, and societal values without clear distinctions between these ideas. This can overwhelm the reader and dilute the main points.
- How to improve: Break down longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each focusing on a single idea. This will improve clarity and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument. For instance, consider separating the discussion of social media’s impact on crime from the broader societal issues of materialism and morality.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however" and "for example," but there is a limited range of devices used. Additionally, some phrases are awkwardly constructed, which can hinder the flow of ideas. For instance, the phrase "the development of the Internet and social medias contribute to the idealism" lacks clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "consequently," and "therefore." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used correctly and enhances the clarity of your argument. For example, instead of saying "the modern society cause the morality noticeably weakened," you could say, "In modern society, the weakening of moral values is evident."
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve greater coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Phrases like "heinous criminal," "materialism," and "organised crime" show an understanding of relevant terminology. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variety, such as the repeated use of "crime" and "criminal." The phrase "social problems such as circumstances, poverty" is somewhat vague and lacks specificity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "crime," they could use "offense," "transgression," or "misdeed." Additionally, expanding on the types of social problems with more specific examples (e.g., "unemployment," "lack of education") would enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "individual social probelms caused criminals" is unclear and awkwardly constructed. The term "panic" in "heinous criminal were panic" is also misused; it seems to imply that criminals experience panic rather than suggesting they are inherently dangerous. The phrase "the morality became weaker" lacks clarity and could be more effectively expressed.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For instance, instead of "panic," they might use "act impulsively" or "commit crimes out of desperation." Revising awkward phrases for clarity, such as changing "the morality became weaker" to "societal morals have deteriorated," would enhance understanding.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains multiple spelling errors, such as "probelms," "Hwever," and "orther." These mistakes detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. For instance, focusing on words like "however," "problems," and "other" would help avoid these frequent mistakes in future writing.
By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it largely relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "the development of the Internet and social medias contribute to the idealism" and "the modern society cause the morality noticeably weakened" illustrate a basic structure. There are few complex sentences, which limits the overall grammatical range. Additionally, several sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "the morality became weaker and children might be taught wrongly," which could be more effectively expressed.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the modern society cause the morality noticeably weakened," the writer could say, "As modern society evolves, the morality of individuals noticeably weakens." Practicing sentence combining exercises and reviewing complex sentence structures can help diversify the writing style.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "most crime caused by social problems" should be revised to "most crimes are caused by social problems." The phrase "the morality became weaker" is awkward; a more precise choice would be "morality has weakened." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect conjunction usage, are present, as seen in "the modern society cause the morality noticeably weakened while the materialism became much stronger," which should be separated for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and verb tenses. Regular grammar exercises, particularly on common errors, can be beneficial. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide insights into correct grammar and punctuation usage.
In summary, while the essay presents relevant ideas, the grammatical range and accuracy need significant improvement. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical and punctuation accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
The debate over whether most crimes are caused by social problems such as poverty or by individuals who are naturally inclined to be bad is ongoing. This essay suggests that individual social problems lead to criminal behavior because morality has noticeably weakened, and children may be taught incorrectly. Although some heinous criminals may panic and lose their sense of humanity, the root causes of crime often lie in societal issues.
Recently, the development of the Internet and social media has contributed to a rise in idealism, leading many individuals to experience increased poverty and, consequently, commit crimes such as bribery. Furthermore, modern society has caused morality to weaken while materialism has grown stronger. For example, a person who grows up in a society that prioritizes wealth is more likely to commit crimes.
However, the most heinous criminals, such as murderers and serial killers, forfeit their right to life by committing such cold-blooded acts. These lawbreakers often view crime as a means of entertainment and enjoyment. It is unlikely that they will benefit from any in-prison rehabilitation programs. While this may be true, it represents only a minor part of the overall crime landscape.
Another key point to consider is that children who receive inadequate education may develop problematic behaviors in the future. Therefore, parents and schools play a crucial role in shaping children’s mindsets. For instance, education that addresses the gap between rich and poor will contribute to an increase in criminal behavior.
In conclusion, there are many kinds of crime, ranging from petty offenses to organized crime, each motivated by different factors. However, circumstances such as poverty and other social problems have considerably increased the prevalence of crime.