Some people think sports games are important for society, while others believe they should be taken as leisure activities. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think sports games are important for society, while others
believe they should be taken as leisure activities. Discuss both views and give your
opinion.

Some people are of the opinion that athletic activities play a pivotal role in society, while others argue that they should serve only recreational purposes. Although both schools of thought hold merit, I align more closely with the former view.

On one hand, proponents of sports as mere activities for pleasure support their claim with two justifications. Firstly, they argue that this perception may lead to increased participation. When sports are interpreted as activities to unwind and enrich one's life, it may spark interest among the general population, who may crave pleasure and positivity. This increased allure of sports fuels the passion of many individuals, encouraging them to join this community. Moreover, sportsmanship can be significantly undermined if other elements are incorporated, with rivalry being a typical example. The intense pressure to excel and constantly pursue accomplishments may overshadow the fundamental values of athleticism, fostering a distorted view of sports as a purely adversarial endeavor. This misguided perception may lead to reduced engagement and interest among individuals.

On the other hand, others, including myself, maintain that sports are beneficial to society and individuals apart from recreational objectives. To begin with, they serve as a medium for connection. Regardless of race, gender, or nationality, sports bring enthusiasts and athletes together through tournaments and celebrations, offering prime opportunities to exchange personal experiences and enjoy the excitement and thrill of shared interests. These gatherings lead to a greater sense of community and foster the sports spirit. Furthermore, individuals can attain desirable personality traits through these activities. This is because high-adrenaline sports, such as climbing or bungee jumping, motivate people to strive for excellence, confront and overcome their fears, which translate into enhanced endurance and determination.

In conclusion, although athletics as mere recreation contribute to an expanded sports community and preserve their core values, I believe that they play more crucial roles in society since they unite enthusiasts and foster valuable traits.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some people are of the opinion" -> "Some individuals hold the view"
   Explanation: "Hold the view" is a more formal and precise expression than "are of the opinion," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in an academic context.

2. "play a pivotal role" -> "play a significant role"
   Explanation: While "pivotal" is not incorrect, "significant" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe the importance of something, making it a more suitable choice for formal essays.

3. "serve only recreational purposes" -> "serve solely recreational purposes"
   Explanation: Adding "solely" emphasizes the exclusivity of the purpose, enhancing the precision of the statement.

4. "hold merit" -> "have merit"
   Explanation: "Have merit" is a more natural and academically appropriate phrase than "hold merit," which can sound slightly awkward and less formal.

5. "align more closely with" -> "more closely align with"
   Explanation: Reversing the order of the words improves the grammatical structure and flow of the sentence, making it more natural and formal.

6. "proponents of sports as mere activities for pleasure" -> "advocates of sports as mere recreational activities"
   Explanation: "Advocates" is more specific and formal than "proponents," and "recreational activities" is a clearer and more precise term than "activities for pleasure."

7. "crave pleasure and positivity" -> "seek enjoyment and positivity"
   Explanation: "Seek enjoyment" is a more formal and precise way to describe the pursuit of pleasure, aligning better with academic language.

8. "fuels the passion" -> "stimulates enthusiasm"
   Explanation: "Stimulates enthusiasm" is a more formal and precise term than "fuels the passion," which can be seen as overly emotional for academic writing.

9. "sportsmanship can be significantly undermined" -> "sportsmanship may be significantly compromised"
   Explanation: "Compromised" is a more precise term than "undermined" in this context, suggesting a more direct impact on the integrity of sportsmanship.

10. "fostering a distorted view" -> "promoting a distorted perception"
    Explanation: "Promoting a distorted perception" is more specific and formal, fitting better in an academic essay.

11. "apart from recreational objectives" -> "beyond recreational purposes"
    Explanation: "Beyond recreational purposes" is a clearer and more formal way to express the idea that sports have benefits beyond mere enjoyment.

12. "bring enthusiasts and athletes together" -> "unite enthusiasts and athletes"
    Explanation: "Unite" is a more formal and precise verb than "bring together," which is somewhat colloquial.

13. "high-adrenaline sports" -> "high-adrenaline activities"
    Explanation: "Activities" is a more general term that encompasses a broader range of sports, making it more suitable for academic writing.

14. "motivate people to strive for excellence" -> "encourage individuals to strive for excellence"
    Explanation: "Encourage" is a more formal and precise verb than "motivate," which can be seen as slightly informal in this context.

15. "confront and overcome their fears" -> "confront and overcome their fear"
    Explanation: Using "fear" in the singular form maintains consistency and clarity in the sentence structure, aligning better with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the importance of sports in society versus their role as leisure activities. The first paragraph outlines the perspective that sports should be seen as leisure, providing two justifications: increased participation and the potential undermining of sportsmanship. The second paragraph presents the opposing view, emphasizing the societal benefits of sports, such as community building and personal development. However, while both views are discussed, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the arguments, particularly in the first viewpoint, which feels slightly less developed.
  • How to improve: To enhance the balance, the writer could provide more specific examples or evidence supporting the leisure perspective. This could include statistics on participation rates or anecdotes illustrating how sports can serve purely recreational purposes without the competitive pressures mentioned.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring the view that sports play a more significant role in society. The writer explicitly states their opinion in the introduction and reiterates it in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the two viewpoints could be smoother to reinforce the writer’s stance. The phrase "including myself" could be more assertively framed to strengthen the position.
  • How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly link back to their opinion after discussing the opposing view. For instance, phrases like "Despite the merits of the leisure perspective, it is essential to recognize…" would enhance the coherence of the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly in the second viewpoint, where the benefits of sports are well articulated. The concepts of community and personal development are effectively supported with reasoning. However, the first viewpoint lacks depth in its arguments, which could weaken the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies for both perspectives. For instance, discussing specific sports events that foster community or mentioning studies that highlight the psychological benefits of sports could strengthen the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt directly and maintaining relevance throughout. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the mention of "high-adrenaline sports" in the second viewpoint, while interesting, could be seen as slightly tangential to the broader discussion of sports in society.
  • How to improve: To enhance focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate back to the central question of the importance of sports in society versus their role as leisure activities. Keeping examples general rather than specific to certain types of sports could help maintain relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-reasoned argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer could elevate their score even further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two perspectives on sports. Each viewpoint is discussed in separate paragraphs, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. The first body paragraph effectively presents the arguments for sports as leisure activities, while the second body paragraph articulates the benefits of sports to society. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the discussion and reinforces the writer’s opinion. However, the transition between the two viewpoints could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second body paragraph, such as "Conversely," or "In contrast," to clearly signal the shift from one viewpoint to another. This will help the reader follow the argument more easily.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, with the first discussing the leisure perspective and the second addressing the societal benefits of sports. However, the paragraphs could be enhanced by ensuring that each one begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph starts with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main argument of that paragraph. For instance, in the first body paragraph, a topic sentence like "Supporters of viewing sports as leisure activities argue that it promotes wider participation" would provide a clearer focus for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "moreover," and "furthermore," which help in linking ideas within paragraphs. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. The use of synonyms and varied phrases could enhance the fluidity of the text.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "firstly" and "moreover," you could use alternatives like "in addition," "on the contrary," or "for instance." This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of lexical resource.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on enhancing transitions, strengthening topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further elevate the quality of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "pivotal," "proponents," "recreational," and "sportsmanship" effectively used to articulate complex ideas. The phrase "high-adrenaline sports" is a strong example of precise vocabulary that adds depth to the discussion. However, the essay occasionally relies on more common phrases, such as "play a pivotal role," which could be varied to enhance lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To elevate the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms or less common expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "activities," you might use "pursuits" or "endeavors." Additionally, exploring idiomatic expressions or more sophisticated terms related to sports and society could further enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, with phrases like "fostering a distorted view" and "enhanced endurance" demonstrating precise meaning. However, the term "misguided perception" could be seen as slightly vague in this context, as it does not specify what the perception is misguided about. Furthermore, "the sports spirit" is a somewhat awkward phrase that could be expressed more clearly.
  • How to improve: Aim for precision by ensuring that all terms clearly convey the intended meaning. For example, instead of "misguided perception," you might specify "misguided perception of competition in sports." Additionally, consider rephrasing "the sports spirit" to "the spirit of sportsmanship" for clarity and precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words like "athleticism," "community," and "accomplishments" are spelled correctly, reflecting a strong command of language mechanics.
  • How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, continue practicing writing and proofreading. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or engaging in vocabulary exercises can also help reinforce correct spelling. Additionally, reading widely can expose you to correct spellings in context, further solidifying your spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay achieves a solid Band 7 for Lexical Resource, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and continued attention to spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring clarity in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the essay could reach an even higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "Although both schools of thought hold merit, I align more closely with the former view" effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures in "if other elements are incorporated" showcases an ability to express hypothetical situations. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the second paragraph where phrases like "may lead to" and "may crave" are used multiple times, which slightly detracts from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the use of modal verbs. For example, instead of repeating "may," you could use alternatives like "could" or "might" to express possibility. Additionally, try to include more varied introductory phrases to avoid redundancy, such as "It is often argued that…" or "Many believe that…".

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "the intense pressure to excel and constantly pursue accomplishments may overshadow the fundamental values of athleticism" is grammatically correct and effectively punctuated. However, there is a slight awkwardness in the phrase "sportsmanship can be significantly undermined if other elements are incorporated," which could be clearer with a more straightforward construction. Additionally, the use of commas is generally effective, but there are a few instances where they could enhance clarity, such as before "including myself" in the second paragraph.
  • How to improve: To further improve grammatical accuracy, focus on refining sentence clarity by avoiding overly complex constructions that may confuse the reader. Simplifying some sentences or breaking them into shorter ones can help. Moreover, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in non-restrictive clauses, can enhance the overall readability of the essay. For example, revising the sentence to "On the other hand, others, including myself, maintain that sports are beneficial…" would improve clarity.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical clarity, the writer can further elevate their writing to achieve an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals hold the view that athletic activities play a significant role in society, while others argue that they should serve solely recreational purposes. Although both perspectives have merit, I align more closely with the former view.

On one hand, advocates of sports as mere recreational activities support their claim with two justifications. Firstly, they argue that this perception may lead to increased participation. When sports are interpreted as activities to unwind and enrich one’s life, it can stimulate enthusiasm among the general population, who often seek enjoyment and positivity. This increased allure of sports fuels the passion of many individuals, encouraging them to join this community. Moreover, sportsmanship may be significantly compromised if competitive elements are incorporated, with rivalry being a typical example. The intense pressure to excel and constantly pursue accomplishments may overshadow the fundamental values of athleticism, promoting a distorted perception of sports as a purely adversarial endeavor. This misguided view may lead to reduced engagement and interest among individuals.

On the other hand, others, including myself, maintain that sports have benefits for society and individuals that extend beyond recreational purposes. To begin with, they serve as a medium for connection. Regardless of race, gender, or nationality, sports unite enthusiasts and athletes through tournaments and celebrations, offering prime opportunities to exchange personal experiences and enjoy the excitement and thrill of shared interests. These gatherings foster a greater sense of community and enhance the spirit of sportsmanship. Furthermore, individuals can attain desirable personality traits through these activities. High-adrenaline sports, such as climbing or bungee jumping, encourage individuals to strive for excellence, confront and overcome their fears, which translates into enhanced endurance and determination.

In conclusion, although viewing athletics as mere recreation contributes to an expanded sports community and preserves their core values, I believe that they play more crucial roles in society since they unite enthusiasts and foster valuable traits.