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Some people think that a good diet and exercise are not necessary for a healthy and long life. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that a good diet and exercise are not necessary for a healthy and long life. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that it is not essential for them to have a healthy diet and do exercise in order to live longer. I completely disagree with this point of view.

One main reason why I argue that a good diet is necessary for a healthier life is that when people take in more healthy food and less junk food, this can reduce the risk of people getting diseases from unknown food sources by the sellers. Take Vietnamese as an example, there are various types of street food in Viet Nam and the figure is increasing year over year. However, the majority of them are cheap and therefore the origin and the quality of the ingredients might not be guaranteed to be clean and consumable. On top of that, avoiding fast food that contains lots of fats, oil and greases will allow people to stay away from many health problems they might face when they take too many calories but do no exercises to lose weight, such as obesity or high heart rate.

The reason why working out is the vital key to a longer-lasting lifespan for humans is because by doing such a thing regularly, people will not only strengthen physical health but also their mental health. Since people have to make themself follow the discipline they set out before, they must follow it and that makes people realize they are living a life with purpose and motivation to keep themself fit. Moreover, going to the gym or jogging in public parks can increase the chance of meeting new people. Expanding a circle of friends is one of the most effective ways to enhance the quality of life. For example, in Ha Noi capital, most of the elderly would say that the reason why they go out to the public park for exercise is that there are friends of them to chat with them.

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that having a healthy diet and doing exercises play an important role in creating a happier and longer life by reducing the risk of illnesses and helping people make more friends.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Some people believe that it is not essential for them to have a healthy diet and do exercise in order to live longer. I completely disagree with this point of view."
    -> "Some individuals contend that maintaining a healthy diet and engaging in regular exercise are not indispensable for longevity. I strongly disagree with this perspective."
    Explanation: Replacing "it is not essential for them" with "maintaining a healthy diet and engaging in regular exercise are not indispensable" elevates the formality of the sentence and avoids the informal tone. Additionally, "I completely disagree" is refined to "I strongly disagree" for a more assertive and academic expression.

  2. "One main reason why I argue that a good diet is necessary for a healthier life is that when people take in more healthy food and less junk food, this can reduce the risk of people getting diseases from unknown food sources by the sellers."
    -> "A primary rationale for asserting the necessity of a nutritious diet for a healthier life is that consuming more wholesome foods and minimizing the intake of junk food can mitigate the risk of contracting diseases from untraceable sources, such as those provided by street vendors."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality of the language by replacing "One main reason why I argue that" with "A primary rationale for asserting," and by providing a more elaborate description of the sources of potential diseases.

  3. "Take Vietnamese as an example, there are various types of street food in Viet Nam and the figure is increasing year over year."
    -> "Take Vietnam as an example; there is a proliferation of street food varieties, with the number increasing annually."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the formal tone by using "Take Vietnam as an example" and rephrases "there are various types" to "there is a proliferation of street food varieties," providing a more concise and sophisticated expression.

  4. "However, the majority of them are cheap and therefore the origin and the quality of the ingredients might not be guaranteed to be clean and consumable."
    -> "However, a significant proportion of these offerings are affordable, raising concerns about the cleanliness and consumability of their ingredients due to the potential lack of guaranteed origin and quality."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance precision by specifying "a significant proportion of these offerings" and provide a more detailed explanation of the concerns regarding the origin and quality of street food ingredients.

  5. "On top of that, avoiding fast food that contains lots of fats, oil and greases will allow people to stay away from many health problems they might face when they take too many calories but do no exercises to lose weight, such as obesity or high heart rate."
    -> "Additionally, refraining from fast food rich in fats, oils, and greases can help individuals steer clear of various health issues resulting from excessive calorie intake without corresponding exercise, including obesity and elevated heart rate."
    Explanation: The improved version maintains academic formality while providing a more precise description of the health issues associated with consuming fast food.

  6. "The reason why working out is the vital key to a longer-lasting lifespan for humans is because by doing such a thing regularly, people will not only strengthen physical health but also their mental health."
    -> "The pivotal factor contributing to an extended lifespan in humans is regular physical exercise, which not only enhances physical well-being but also bolsters mental health."
    Explanation: The revised sentence replaces colloquial phrases like "the vital key" with "the pivotal factor," improving formality and precision.

  7. "Since people have to make themself follow the discipline they set out before, they must follow it and that makes people realize they are living a life with purpose and motivation to keep themself fit."
    -> "As individuals commit to adhering to the discipline they establish, the resulting awareness fosters a sense of purpose and motivation to maintain physical fitness."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance clarity and formality by rephrasing "make themself follow" to "commit to adhering" and by refining the expression of the awareness and motivation derived from following a disciplined exercise routine.

  8. "Moreover, going to the gym or jogging in public parks can increase the chance of meeting new people. Expanding a circle of friends is one of the most effective ways to enhance the quality of life."
    -> "Furthermore, attending a gym or engaging in jogging at public parks heightens the likelihood of encountering new acquaintances. Broadening one’s social circle stands as a highly effective means of enhancing overall quality of life."
    Explanation: The revised version maintains formality and provides a more sophisticated expression by using "Furthermore" and restructuring the sentences for improved coherence.

  9. "For example, in Ha Noi capital, most of the elderly would say that the reason why they go out to the public park for exercise is that there are friends of them to chat with them."
    -> "For instance, in the capital city of Hanoi, a majority of the elderly population express that their motivation for engaging in public park exercise is the opportunity to socialize with friends."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality by using "For instance" and provide a clearer and more refined expression of the elderly population’s motivation for exercising in public parks.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the necessity of a healthy diet and exercise for a longer life. It covers both aspects comprehensively, citing the impact of diet on disease prevention and the benefits of exercise on mental and physical health.
    • How to improve: To further enhance this section, consider providing more diverse examples or incorporating statistical data or studies to strengthen the argument regarding the impact of diet and exercise on longevity.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout, strongly disagreeing with the notion that a good diet and exercise are unnecessary for a longer life. Each paragraph supports this viewpoint explicitly.
    • How to improve: To bolster clarity, ensure that each paragraph’s topic sentence directly reinforces the argument against the notion presented in the prompt.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, extending arguments with relevant examples (e.g., the impact of street food on health, benefits of exercising for mental well-being). However, some ideas could benefit from further development, especially in discussing the mental health aspect of exercise.
    • How to improve: Elaborate more on the mental health benefits of exercise by including specific psychological benefits or studies supporting the positive correlation between exercise and mental well-being.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the importance of diet and exercise for a longer life. It maintains relevance by addressing various aspects of health and social benefits related to these practices.
    • How to improve: Avoid slight digressions, ensuring all supporting points directly reinforce the central argument without delving into tangential details.

Overall Comments:

  • This essay effectively argues the necessity of a healthy diet and exercise for longevity. To further improve, consider diversifying examples and reinforcing arguments with empirical data or expert opinions. Additionally, enhancing the discussion of mental health benefits tied to exercise would add depth to the argument. The essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and presents a compelling case against the notion that a good diet and exercise are unnecessary for a longer life.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction presents a clear thesis statement indicating the writer’s disagreement with the idea that a good diet and exercise are unnecessary. Body paragraphs are focused on presenting reasons supporting this viewpoint, addressing diet and exercise separately. The use of examples, such as Vietnamese street food, enhances the clarity of the argument.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider explicitly outlining the main points that will be discussed in each body paragraph within the introduction. This could provide readers with a roadmap for the essay, making it even clearer.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses paragraphs effectively, with distinct breaks between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect (diet or exercise) and contains supporting details and examples. However, there is room for improvement in terms of paragraph length; some paragraphs are quite lengthy and could be more concise.
    • How to improve: Aim for more concise paragraphs, ensuring that each paragraph addresses a specific point or example. This will contribute to better readability and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("One main reason," "Moreover," "In conclusion"), pronouns ("this," "such a thing"), and repetition of key terms ("healthy diet," "exercise"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay, guiding the reader through the argument.
    • How to improve: While the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases to enhance overall coherence. Additionally, pay attention to the balance between repetition and synonym usage for key terms to avoid redundancy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 6. To improve further, focus on providing a more explicit structure in the introduction, ensuring paragraph conciseness, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempt at using varied words and phrases. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating a more extensive and nuanced vocabulary. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "healthy diet" and "doing exercises" could be diversified to enhance lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary range, consider employing synonyms and exploring more sophisticated expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "healthy diet," you can incorporate terms like "nutritious eating habits" or "balanced nutritional intake." This not only prevents redundancy but also showcases a wider vocabulary range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with clarity, but there are instances where word choices could be more precise. For example, the phrase "diseases from unknown food sources" could be more specifically articulated, perhaps as "contaminated food sources." Conversely, the term "high heart rate" might be refined to "elevated heart rate" for greater precision.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by carefully selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Avoid ambiguous terms, and when appropriate, delve into more specific language. In the case of the example mentioned, consider using terms like "contaminated food sources" to precisely communicate the idea of unhealthy or unsafe food.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits satisfactory spelling accuracy, with only minor errors or typos. For instance, the word "themself" should be corrected to "themselves," and there is a missing article in "by reducing the risk of illnesses," which should be "by reducing the risk of illnesses."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to common errors and grammatical structures. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to identify and rectify such errors before finalizing the essay.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably good command of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for improvement in lexical variety, precision, and minor spelling accuracy. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more refined and polished essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. It incorporates simple and compound sentences proficiently throughout the essay. However, there’s a tendency towards simpler structures, which affects the overall variety and complexity. Instances of more complex structures like conditional sentences, complex compound sentences, or parallel structures are notably absent.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, try incorporating diverse sentence types like complex sentences, using subordinating conjunctions (e.g., although, while, since) to join ideas. Experiment with conditional sentences (if…, then…), passive voice constructions, and parallel structures (e.g., not only… but also…). This will elevate the complexity and coherence of your writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy. However, there are several instances where subject-verb agreement is not consistent (e.g., "people take" should be "people takeS," "themself" should be "themselves"). Additionally, a few minor tense inconsistencies are noticeable (e.g., "there are friends of them" should be "there are THEIR friends").
    • How to improve: Review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure consistency throughout the essay. Pay attention to verb tenses, maintaining consistency within each sentence and across the essay. Proofreading and editing after completion can help identify and rectify such errors.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, punctuation is reasonably accurate. However, there are some areas where commas are either missing or used incorrectly. For instance, there are instances where commas are needed before introductory phrases or between items in a list for clarity. Additionally, the use of punctuation within complex sentences can be refined for smoother readability.
    • How to improve: Focus on the correct use of commas, especially after introductory phrases (e.g., "One main reason why I argue" – consider inserting a comma after "reason"). Use commas to separate items in a list clearly. Practice structuring complex sentences with appropriate punctuation to enhance readability and coherence.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates proficient language use, enhancing sentence variety with more complex structures, ensuring consistent grammar rules, and refining punctuation will contribute to elevating the overall linguistic sophistication and coherence of your writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals argue that maintaining a healthy diet and engaging in regular exercise are not indispensable for longevity. I strongly disagree with this perspective.

A primary rationale for asserting the necessity of a nutritious diet for a healthier life is that consuming more wholesome foods and minimizing the intake of junk food can mitigate the risk of contracting diseases from untraceable sources, such as those provided by street vendors. Take Vietnam as an example; there is a proliferation of street food varieties, with the number increasing annually. However, a significant proportion of these offerings are affordable, raising concerns about the cleanliness and consumability of their ingredients due to the potential lack of guaranteed origin and quality.

Additionally, refraining from fast food rich in fats, oils, and greases can help individuals steer clear of various health issues resulting from excessive calorie intake without corresponding exercise, including obesity and elevated heart rate.

The pivotal factor contributing to an extended lifespan in humans is regular physical exercise, which not only enhances physical well-being but also bolsters mental health. As individuals commit to adhering to the discipline they establish, the resulting awareness fosters a sense of purpose and motivation to maintain physical fitness. Furthermore, attending a gym or engaging in jogging at public parks heightens the likelihood of encountering new acquaintances. Broadening one’s social circle stands as a highly effective means of enhancing overall quality of life. For instance, in the capital city of Hanoi, a majority of the elderly population express that their motivation for engaging in public park exercise is the opportunity to socialize with friends.

In conclusion, a healthy diet and regular exercise are crucial for a happier and longer life by reducing the risk of illnesses and facilitating the formation of meaningful social connections.

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