Some people think that cultural traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Others believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss on both sides and give your opinion.

The trend of monetizing cultural conventions is rising at an ever-increasing rate. While some believe that turning them into money-making attractions targeted at tourists could bring negative influences, others argue that there is no other way to save these societal norms. In my opinion, I would regard myself as a proponent of the latter viewpoint.

Undoubtedly, cultural traditions might be ruined due to monetizing practices. When they are being used as a way to attract more tourists, they could be altered so that foreigners could be more inclined to see them. Not only does this change these values completely, but also makes tourists misunderstand the qualities of a community. In Vietnam, for instance, there is a show in a famous attraction that decided to change the outfit of the female dancers in a show, resulting in a miscomprehension from the guests. Consequently, they thought that all Vietnamese dressed inappropriately as the show suggested. The implication of this trend is that cultural conventions might be abolished.

While the harms of using societal norms as money-making destinations aimed at travelers are widely acknowledged, I would argue that in order to save these values, monetizing them is indeed a superb method. Given the fact that technological advancements make people, especially children and young adults, have less incentive to know about these conventional conducts. By turning them into attractive destinations, more and more people would want to know more about them thereby saving them from being erased. Japan can be cited as an outstanding instance regarding this practice, as they turn cultural norms into attractive destinations. The outcome of this action is that numerous young people started learning more about societal traditions. Therefore, the application of this method could prevent these values from being forgotten.

In conclusion, despite monetizing practices might bring a wealth of unfavorable impacts on traditional cultures, I believe that it is one of the only ways to facilitate the young to preserve them.

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Errors and Improvements:

"The trend of monetizing cultural conventions is rising at an ever-increasing rate." -> "The trend of commercializing cultural practices is escalating rapidly."
Explanation: Replacing "monetizing cultural conventions" with "commercializing cultural practices" offers a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the informal tone associated with "monetizing."
"While some believe that turning them into money-making attractions targeted at tourists could bring negative influences," -> "While some argue that transforming them into lucrative attractions aimed at tourists may have adverse effects,"
Explanation: Substituting "turning them into money-making attractions" with "transforming them into lucrative attractions" adds formality and precision to the statement, enhancing the academic tone.
"In my opinion, I would regard myself as a proponent of the latter viewpoint." -> "Personally, I align with the latter perspective."
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and less concise. The suggested alternative maintains a formal tone while streamlining the expression.
"Undoubtedly, cultural traditions might be ruined due to monetizing practices." -> "Undoubtedly, cultural traditions could be compromised by commercialization."
Explanation: Replacing "ruined due to monetizing practices" with "compromised by commercialization" maintains formality while conveying the potential negative impact more precisely.
"When they are being used as a way to attract more tourists, they could be altered so that foreigners could be more inclined to see them." -> "When utilized as a means to attract more tourists, alterations may be made to make them more appealing to foreign visitors."
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more precise language, avoiding the casual tone of "altered so that foreigners could be more inclined to see them."
"Not only does this change these values completely, but also makes tourists misunderstand the qualities of a community." -> "This not only fundamentally alters these values but also leads to a misinterpretation of the community’s qualities among tourists."
Explanation: The alternative enhances clarity and formality by rephrasing the sentence for a more structured expression.
"In Vietnam, for instance, there is a show in a famous attraction that decided to change the outfit of the female dancers in a show, resulting in a miscomprehension from the guests." -> "In Vietnam, for instance, a renowned attraction decided to modify the attire of female dancers during a performance, leading to a misunderstanding among the guests."
Explanation: The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal description of the situation, avoiding redundancy.
"The implication of this trend is that cultural conventions might be abolished." -> "The consequence of this trend is the potential abolition of cultural conventions."
Explanation: The alternative phrase offers a more precise and formal expression of the impact of the trend, avoiding the speculative tone of "might be abolished."
"Given the fact that technological advancements make people, especially children and young adults, have less incentive to know about these conventional conducts." -> "Considering that technological advancements reduce individuals’ motivation, particularly among children and young adults, to learn about these traditional behaviors."
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone and improves clarity by restructuring the original phrase.
"By turning them into attractive destinations, more and more people would want to know more about them thereby saving them from being erased." -> "Transforming them into appealing destinations would generate increased interest, thereby preserving them from extinction."
Explanation: The suggested alternative enhances formality and precision while maintaining the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument as required. It discusses the potential negative impacts of monetizing cultural traditions for tourist attractions and argues that it is a necessary method to save these traditions. Relevant examples, such as the case in Vietnam, are provided to support the points made.
- How to improve: While the essay covers both perspectives, it would benefit from more depth in the analysis of each side. Expanding on the potential negative consequences and providing more examples would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The author explicitly states their opinion in favor of monetizing cultural traditions to preserve them.
- How to improve: The clarity of the position is commendable. However, the essay could further strengthen the argument by anticipating and addressing potential counterarguments.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately and supports them with examples. It discusses the potential negative consequences of monetization and provides a relevant example from Vietnam. Additionally, it supports the argument in favor of monetization with an example from Japan.
- How to improve: While the examples are relevant, providing more details and elaboration would enhance the development of ideas. Explaining the specific impacts on cultural traditions and the ways in which monetization helps preserve them would add depth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of monetizing cultural traditions for tourist attractions.
- How to improve: To further improve, ensure that each example and argument directly relates to the impact on cultural traditions. Avoid any tangential points that do not contribute directly to the discussion.

Overall Comments:

The essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting arguments on both sides and maintaining a clear position. It provides relevant examples to support its points, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic. To improve, the essay could benefit from more in-depth analysis, additional examples, and a more detailed exploration of the potential consequences of monetization on cultural traditions. Additionally, enhancing the development of ideas and staying focused on the topic throughout the essay would further strengthen the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear structure with a discernible introduction, body paragraphs discussing contrasting viewpoints, and a conclusion summarizing the argument. However, the development of ideas within paragraphs could be more cohesive. For instance, there is a transition issue in the second body paragraph where the shift from discussing potential negative impacts to an example from Vietnam could be smoother. The coherence in presenting examples and arguments needs improvement for a more fluid progression.
- How to improve: Consider a more seamless transition between points within paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single idea or aspect of the argument to enhance clarity and logical progression. Connect the examples more explicitly to the main arguments to strengthen the essay’s coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into three main paragraphs: an introduction, two body paragraphs presenting contrasting viewpoints, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a different aspect of the prompt. However, the second body paragraph appears slightly disjointed due to the abrupt shift from discussing potential negative impacts to the specific example from Vietnam. This disrupts the paragraph’s flow.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph maintains a cohesive focus on a single aspect of the argument. In the second body paragraph, establish a smoother transition or an introductory sentence to connect the discussion on negative impacts to the subsequent example from Vietnam. This will improve the paragraph’s coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a moderate range of cohesive devices such as ‘while,’ ‘not only…but also,’ and ‘therefore’ to connect ideas and arguments. However, there’s a need for more diverse cohesive devices to enhance coherence further. Additionally, some sentences lack clear connections between ideas, impacting the overall flow.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices like ‘however,’ ‘moreover,’ ‘consequently,’ ‘nevertheless,’ etc., to create stronger links between ideas. Review the connections between sentences within paragraphs, ensuring a more seamless progression of thoughts.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a fairly organized structure but requires improvements in intra-paragraph coherence, smoother transitions between ideas, and a more varied use of cohesive devices to enhance the logical flow and cohesion of the arguments. Focus on maintaining a consistent and interconnected progression of ideas to elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a commendable variety of vocabulary, offering a diverse range of words and phrases. For instance, it employs synonyms like "conventions," "norms," "values," and "traditions" to avoid repetition. Furthermore, specific terms like "technological advancements," "monetizing practices," "attractive destinations," and "societal traditions" contribute to a richer vocabulary.
- How to improve: While the essay displays a good vocabulary range, enhancing it further by incorporating specialized terminology related to cultural preservation or exploring more nuanced synonyms could elevate the lexical richness. For example, utilizing terms like "intangible heritage," "cultural commodification," or "heritage tourism" could add depth to the discussion on cultural traditions and tourism.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates precise vocabulary usage. It effectively communicates ideas without ambiguity. For instance, phrases like "technological advancements" and "monetizing practices" precisely convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances where more specific or nuanced vocabulary could enhance precision. For instance, the use of "conventional conducts" could be substituted with a more precise term like "customs" or "rituals."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, consider using more specialized vocabulary when discussing cultural elements. For instance, replace general terms like "values" with more specific cultural terms like "folklore," "ceremonies," or "heritage." This will contribute to a clearer and more precise articulation of ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of spelling accuracy with minimal errors. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors such as "miscomprehension" (which should be "misunderstanding") and "superb" (a less formal word that might be replaced with "effective" or "excellent" for a more academic tone).
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, proofreading the essay thoroughly and paying close attention to details like verb forms, word choice, and less common vocabulary will help in minimizing minor spelling errors.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary and generally accurate spelling. To improve further, focus on incorporating more specialized and precise terms related to cultural heritage and consider a meticulous proofreading process to eliminate minor spelling inaccuracies.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, contributing to overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further. For example, a greater use of complex compound sentences or varied sentence beginnings could enhance the richness of expression.
- How to improve: To enhance your score in this criterion, consider incorporating a more extensive variety of sentence structures. Experiment with complex sentences, compound sentences, and different sentence beginnings to add depth and sophistication to your writing.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. Instances of subject-verb agreement, article use, and preposition placement are generally correct. However, there are a few areas where precision can be improved. For instance, in the sentence "Given the fact that technological advancements make people," it could be refined to "Given that technological advancements enable people."
- How to improve: To elevate grammatical accuracy, carefully review articles, prepositions, and verb agreements during the editing process. Also, pay attention to word choices to ensure precision in conveying your intended meaning.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are a few instances where it could be refined. For example, "By turning them into attractive destinations, more and more people would want to know more about them thereby saving them from being erased" could benefit from a semicolon or period after "eras." Additionally, attention to comma usage within complex sentences would enhance overall clarity.
- How to improve: Consider refining your use of punctuation, particularly in complex sentences. Ensure commas are appropriately placed for clarity, and experiment with semicolons and periods to break down complex ideas. This will contribute to a smoother and more polished writing style.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, but with targeted improvements in sentence structure variety and punctuation refinement, it has the potential to achieve an even higher band score. Keep practicing and refining these aspects to further enhance the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The trend of commercializing cultural practices is escalating rapidly. While some argue that transforming them into lucrative attractions aimed at tourists may have adverse effects, personally, I align with the latter perspective. Undoubtedly, cultural traditions could be compromised by commercialization. When utilized as a means to attract more tourists, alterations may be made to make them more appealing to foreign visitors. This not only fundamentally alters these values but also leads to a misinterpretation of the community’s qualities among tourists. In Vietnam, for instance, a renowned attraction decided to modify the attire of female dancers during a performance, leading to a misunderstanding among the guests. The consequence of this trend is the potential abolition of cultural conventions.

Considering that technological advancements reduce individuals’ motivation, particularly among children and young adults, to learn about these traditional behaviors. Transforming them into appealing destinations would generate increased interest, thereby preserving them from extinction.

In conclusion, despite monetizing practices might bring a wealth of unfavorable impacts on traditional cultures, I believe that it is one of the only ways to facilitate the young to preserve them.