Some people think that cultural traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money making traditions aimed at tourists. Other, however, believe that it is the only way to save these traditions.

In contemporary society, some people assume that the abuse of cultural traditions to make money are destroying them while others find it a great way for preserving these. From my point of view, both views have their own justification.
On the one hand, the expansion in culture tourism has various profound effects. On of the negative impacts is that the lack in control the number of visitors, that can directly damage cultural heritage sites. For example, the massive influx of tourists have a tendency to carve their name on rock art, which vandalized ancient monuments and caused irreparable damages. Furthermore, the significant increase of tourism has resulted in the deterioration of the environment and the demolishing of natural resources. Some tourists have a bad habit that is carrying their food and eating them when visiting cultural destinations, this leads to indiscriminate dumping of trash, negatively affecting the environment as well as losing the beautiful and inherent landscape of those cultural sites.
On the other hand, some argue that selling cultural tours is the one and only method to keep them from disappearing. First of all, the growth in the figure for visitors provides funds for restoration and protection efforts. Without the sufficient financial support, a range of attraction sites may fall into disrepair. Additionally, cultural values can be promoted through tourism activities. Tourists can visit historical exhibits or talk to the locals to gain in-depth knowledge about the area's culture. This encourages the revival of traditions and restores heritage sites and monuments.
In conclusion, there is no doubt that the development of tourism brings both merits and demerits and I do think that the government should take careful consideration before making the decision of expanding the tourism industry.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the abuse of cultural traditions to make money" -> "the commercial exploitation of cultural traditions"
Explanation: The phrase "the abuse of cultural traditions to make money" is somewhat informal and vague. "The commercial exploitation of cultural traditions" is more precise and formal, better fitting the academic style by clearly conveying the economic aspect of the issue.
"the expansion in culture tourism" -> "the growth of cultural tourism"
Explanation: "The expansion in culture tourism" is awkward and unclear. "The growth of cultural tourism" is more natural and precise, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"lack in control the number of visitors" -> "lack of control over the number of visitors"
Explanation: "Lack in control the number of visitors" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Lack of control over the number of visitors" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.
"that can directly damage" -> "which can directly damage"
Explanation: "That" is less appropriate in this context as it refers to a restrictive clause. "Which" is more suitable for non-restrictive clauses, enhancing the sentence structure.
"the massive influx of tourists have a tendency to" -> "the massive influx of tourists tends to"
Explanation: "Have a tendency to" is redundant and informal. "Tends to" is more concise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"vandalized ancient monuments and caused irreparable damages" -> "vandalized ancient monuments, causing irreparable damage"
Explanation: The original phrasing is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and improves readability.
"the significant increase of tourism" -> "the significant increase in tourism"
Explanation: "The significant increase of tourism" is grammatically incorrect. "The significant increase in tourism" corrects the preposition error, aligning with standard English usage.
"Some tourists have a bad habit that is carrying their food" -> "Some tourists have the bad habit of bringing their own food"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the action and corrects the grammatical structure.
"this leads to indiscriminate dumping of trash" -> "this results in indiscriminate dumping of trash"
Explanation: "Leads to" is less formal and slightly vague. "Results in" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.
"the one and only method" -> "the sole method"
Explanation: "The one and only method" is redundant. "The sole method" is more concise and academically appropriate.
"the growth in the figure for visitors" -> "the increase in visitor numbers"
Explanation: "The growth in the figure for visitors" is verbose and awkward. "The increase in visitor numbers" is more direct and formal.
"a range of attraction sites" -> "a range of attractions"
Explanation: "Attraction sites" is not a standard term. "Attractions" is the correct term, enhancing clarity and formality.
"talk to the locals to gain in-depth knowledge" -> "engage with locals to gain in-depth knowledge"
Explanation: "Talk to the locals" is informal and vague. "Engage with locals" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"I do think" -> "I believe"
Explanation: "I do think" is informal and slightly conversational. "I believe" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding the impact of cultural traditions being used for tourism. The first paragraph discusses the negative consequences of cultural tourism, such as vandalism and environmental degradation. The second paragraph presents the opposing view, emphasizing the financial benefits and cultural promotion that tourism can provide. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the specific question parts, such as the potential destruction of traditions and the preservation aspect, in a clearer manner.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should directly reference the terms "destruction" and "preservation" in the introduction and conclusion. This would ensure that all aspects of the prompt are clearly addressed and would provide a more structured response to the question.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a balanced view, indicating that both sides have merit. However, the writer’s position is somewhat ambiguous, especially in the conclusion where it states, "I do think that the government should take careful consideration." This phrase lacks a definitive stance, which may confuse the reader about the writer’s personal viewpoint.
- How to improve: The writer should clarify their position more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion. For instance, stating a preference for one side while acknowledging the other would strengthen the argument. Phrases like "In my opinion, while tourism can be beneficial, it is crucial to prioritize the preservation of cultural traditions" would provide a clearer stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas and examples, such as the negative impact of tourism on cultural sites and the financial benefits of tourism for preservation efforts. However, some points lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration. For example, the mention of tourists vandalizing sites could be expanded with more specific examples or statistics to support the claim.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could involve including specific case studies of cultural sites affected by tourism or referencing studies that show the economic benefits of tourism for cultural preservation. Additionally, integrating more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures could enhance the overall quality of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the effects of cultural tourism on traditions. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For instance, the discussion about environmental degradation, while relevant, could be more directly tied to how it affects cultural traditions specifically.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether tourism destroys or preserves cultural traditions. This could involve explicitly linking environmental impacts to cultural heritage in the discussion, ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering the prompt directly.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, but it could benefit from clearer articulation of the writer’s position, deeper elaboration of ideas, and a more direct connection to the prompt throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the two opposing views regarding cultural traditions and tourism. Each body paragraph addresses one side of the argument, which is a strong organizational choice. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother; the shift from discussing the negative impacts of tourism to its potential benefits feels abrupt. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" is used, but a more nuanced transition could enhance the flow.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that not only indicate a shift but also connect the ideas more fluidly. For example, you could introduce the second paragraph with a sentence that acknowledges the previous points while hinting at the counterargument, such as, "Despite these concerns, many believe that tourism can play a crucial role in preserving cultural traditions."
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first discussing the negative impacts of tourism on cultural traditions and the second presenting the opposing view. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in terms of length and depth. The first paragraph is longer and contains more examples, while the second paragraph is somewhat shorter and less detailed.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph effectiveness, aim for a more balanced approach by expanding on the second paragraph with additional examples or explanations. For instance, you could elaborate on how specific tourism initiatives have successfully preserved cultural sites or traditions. This would not only provide a more comprehensive view but also strengthen the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to delineate contrasting viewpoints. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "this leads to indiscriminate dumping of trash" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Moreover," "In addition," or "Conversely" to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that each sentence flows logically to the next by using phrases that clarify relationships, such as "As a result," or "Consequently," to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to an improved band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "cultural traditions," "cultural tourism," "vandalized," and "restoration." However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive, particularly in phrases like "cultural traditions" and "cultural sites," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the text. The use of "great way" and "one and only method" is somewhat simplistic and could be replaced with more sophisticated expressions.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "cultural traditions," alternatives like "heritage practices," "cultural customs," or "traditional values" could be utilized. Additionally, phrases such as "effective means" or "primary approach" could replace "great way" and "one and only method" for greater sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the abuse of cultural traditions" may imply a negative connotation that does not fully capture the context of the discussion. Additionally, "the lack in control the number of visitors" is awkwardly phrased and lacks clarity. The term "demolishing of natural resources" is also misleading, as "demolishing" typically refers to physical structures rather than resources.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should choose words that accurately reflect the intended meaning. For example, "exploitation of cultural traditions" might better express the idea of using traditions for profit without the negative connotation of "abuse." The phrase "the lack of control over the number of visitors" would be clearer and more grammatically correct. Furthermore, using "depletion" instead of "demolishing" would convey the intended meaning regarding natural resources more accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "On of" instead of "One of," "indiscriminate dumping of trash" (where "indiscriminate" is spelled correctly, but the phrase could be more concise), and "the sufficient financial support" should be "sufficient financial support." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and terms related to the topic can enhance spelling skills over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, improvements can be made in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy to elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some use of conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "the lack in control the number of visitors" and "the significant increase of tourism has resulted in the deterioration of the environment" show an attempt to use more sophisticated structures. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that detract from the overall effectiveness, such as "the abuse of cultural traditions to make money are destroying them," where "are" should be "is" to agree with the singular subject "abuse."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more varied sentence beginnings and incorporating additional complex structures, such as relative clauses and participial phrases. For example, instead of starting sentences with "On the one hand" or "On the other hand," the writer could use phrases like "While some argue…" or "Conversely, others believe…" to create more dynamic transitions. Additionally, revising sentences for grammatical agreement will improve clarity and coherence.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation issues. For example, "On of the negative impacts is that the lack in control the number of visitors" contains a typographical error ("On" should be "One") and awkward phrasing. The phrase "the lack in control the number of visitors" is grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased to "the lack of control over the number of visitors." Furthermore, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, which can lead to confusion. For instance, "this leads to indiscriminate dumping of trash, negatively affecting the environment as well as losing the beautiful and inherent landscape of those cultural sites" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical structures can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors, especially in complex sentences, will help clarify meaning. The writer could also benefit from reading more academic texts to observe correct grammar and punctuation in context, which can aid in internalizing proper usage.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, enhancing grammatical accuracy and diversifying sentence structures will significantly improve the overall quality and clarity of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, some people assume that the commercial exploitation of cultural traditions to make money is destroying them, while others find it a great way to preserve these traditions. From my point of view, both views have their own justification.

On the one hand, the growth of cultural tourism has various profound effects. One of the negative impacts is the lack of control over the number of visitors, which can directly damage cultural heritage sites. For example, the massive influx of tourists tends to carve their names on rock art, which vandalizes ancient monuments and causes irreparable damage. Furthermore, the significant increase in tourism has resulted in the deterioration of the environment and the depletion of natural resources. Some tourists have the bad habit of bringing their own food and eating it when visiting cultural destinations; this results in indiscriminate dumping of trash, negatively affecting the environment as well as ruining the beautiful and inherent landscape of those cultural sites.

On the other hand, some argue that selling cultural tours is the sole method to keep these traditions from disappearing. First of all, the increase in visitor numbers provides funds for restoration and protection efforts. Without sufficient financial support, a range of attractions may fall into disrepair. Additionally, cultural values can be promoted through tourism activities. Tourists can visit historical exhibits or engage with locals to gain in-depth knowledge about the area’s culture. This encourages the revival of traditions and the restoration of heritage sites and monuments.

In conclusion, there is no doubt that the development of tourism brings both merits and demerits, and I believe that the government should take careful consideration before making the decision to expand the tourism industry.